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Lyrics in italic bold.
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Far Behind - Candlebox
September 2002
Alex: 14
Jay: 15
A watery early morning sun was climbing into the faded blue sky, matched with a bitterly icy snap of cold breeze. A lone bird glided gracefully across the skyline, silently flying off into obscurity. Jay watched as the bird passed by the window and dipped off the radar in the distance.
Comfort was not an option right now. He was sat on his unmade bed, leaned against the wall with one leg stretched out casually and the other bent in a 45 degree angle. He had his arm wrapped protectively around Alex, who was snuggled in close at his side with her head resting on his chest peacefully. She'd eventually succumbed to the negativities attached to lack of sleep, and even though she'd asked him to keep her awake, Jay let her stay in slumber when she reluctantly dropped off at about 4am. Now, as the sun settled temporarily in the sky just above the horizon, at around 7.45am, she'd had nearly four hours sleep, but Jay was still sat stiff as a board on his bed feeling numb.
Out of sheer dread, he'd somehow hoped that this day might never come. But today was the day, and there was nothing he could do. In less than five hours, he'd be back in the horrifically familiar place known as the church. Jay never thought for one minute that he'd have lost both parents before the age of sixteen. This horrible reality was something he'd never wish on anyone, even his worst enemy. People on the outside had no idea of the troubles and trials that people like him faced. The little rich kids running around at Degrassi had it so good, with no worries or problems. The only thing they had to be concerned about whether their next 20 was coming from mommy's pocket or daddies.
He tilted his head back and tried to shut his eyes, but he'd been awake for so long now that they were all dry and itchy and he was unable to keep them shut. The only thing that kept him from opening them immediately was the fact that he knew once he did he'd be forced back into this harsh reality. He opened one eye slowly, then the other and refocused his glance wearily. He looked down at Alex and she was still sound asleep. He wondered if she was dreaming about anything. Alex's dad hadn't been on the scene in almost ten years. He considered the fact that Alex probably didn't even remember him. To weigh up the points of their lives and compare them equally, Jay wasn't sure who had it worse. Jay had lost his mother, and then his father, but said father was physically abusive, a drunk and ultimately, a prisoner. Alex's dad was pretty similar, a complete slacker, and AWOL for 80 of her life to boot, and his short-lived replacements were no better. The long line of useless step-dad's Emily had bought into Alex's life just got more and more pathetic and freeloading as it went on. Emily didn't have the self-confidence or the nerves to stand up for her self, so it seemed that things would always be this way.
Jay yawned widely and his eyes flickered over to his suit slung over the closet door waiting for him to step into later on. It hadn't even been a year yet since he was wearing that suit at his mom's funeral. The passing of his father had triggered guilt in his conscience that he hadn't visited her grave once since she was buried. There were many times over the past year when he would have given anything to have his mom back just for five minutes. He'd tell her how much he really loved her, and that although he rarely showed it, and he probably never once said it, she really did mean the world to him, and she still did.
When it came to his dad, it was a different story. When he first found out he was dead, he was emotionless. Stood in the morgue, he wasn't quite sure how to handle the situation. Then he started to feel weird. Like a feeling of relief that he was gone and he wouldn't have to see his face and be reminded of the way he treated his mom while she was still alive. Remembering 'that day' when he returned in all his glory to "give Karen a piece of his mind", Jay felt physically sick that a man could do that to a woman that he was supposed to love. Or just a woman, period, for that matter. Jay could never imagine laying a finger on Alex, not in a million years.
He'd been sat in this same spot for almost nine hours, and he was beginning to go from needing the toilet to being desperate for the toilet. He didn't want to disturb Alex by moving, because she needed her sleep, and also she looked pretty cute, but he doubted that he could slowly inch his way off the bed without waking her up. He ever so slowly straightened his legs out and held Alex's limp body in place as he slid off the bed. He propped her up on the pile of pillows and she barely stirred. He crept out of the bedroom and across to his bathroom.
When he got back, Alex was sat up straight with her arms pulled out of the sleeves of her baggy hoodie and wrapped around her slim body. The horrible unnerving, cold confusion of the first few minutes after waking up were beginning to fade, and she seemed quite alert.
He smiled instead of speaking. He wasn't sure if he could find the words to produce a sentence. Alex smiled back weakly. He sank back down onto the bed and gave her a good morning kiss. They remained in the easy silence until the shrill ring of the phone jolted them from their daydream.
There were no family members on his mom's side attending the funeral. His dad's mom, whom Jay refused to call 'grandma' was the person on the phone, letting Jay know what time he had to be at the church for the funeral. Since he'd declined the offer to be a pall-bearer and to walk behind the coffin, he was just being treated like a regular guest, and had been reserved a spot in the second row of seats.
Alex used Jay's shower, while Jay was across the way making them something to pass off as breakfast. He threw some toast in the toaster and produced two half empty jars of strawberry jelly and peanut butter from the refrigerator and set it down on the table along with two coffee's, one (his) laced with a mountain of sugar. Alex emerged from the bathroom a little over ten minutes later wearing his clothes. She absolutely drowned in his AC/DC t-shirt and gray track pants, but it was something about the sight of her in his clothes made him not care about anything else.
"It's a good job I don't want that t-shirt back, isn't it?" He joked, referencing the amount of times she wore it.
"It doesn't suit you anyway." Alex hit back, smiling wickedly.
Jay smiled. "It's black. Anyone suits black."
After a lengthy silence that was verging on becoming awkward, Jay spoke again. "My suit that I'm wearing today is all black, are you suggesting that doesn't suit me either?"
Alex noted the smile Jay used as he spoke. "Yes, I think you'll look horrendous."
"Oooh, big words Nunez. You sure you're up to this?"
"I'm quite sure." Alex said confidently. She lightly kicked him under the table and he threw a balled up jam jar label at her in retaliation.
Alex's hair had dried naturally and when brushed through was wavy and loose. She wore a very simple black top and trousers combo, but she looked anything but simple. She'd spent a long time getting ready, but you could tell. She looked good. Jay cared less about his appearance, and hence didn't take as long. Maybe that was just his being a boy. His black suit with a smart, thin gray pinstripe shooting vertically through it was still the same, as was the basic black silk tie, but this time instead of the white one he wore to his mom's, he wore a black shirt.
He showered, did his hair (reluctantly leaving his hat on the drawers) and changed into his suit, and they were ready to go half an hour before they even needed to be leaving. They hung around Jay's house for as long as they could before the waiting became too excruciating. A slow, gently walk to the church would see them there in plenty of time, but not too early.
"I don't know what's wrong with me, Alex. I'm not upset. In the slightest. I don't wanna go in." Jay looked struck with guilt and confusion. She didn't quite know what to say. It was two minutes before they were due inside the church and Jay was revealing this.
"We're here now, Jay. We can't turn away now."
"There's no-one here that cares about him anyway. I'm sure two less people wouldn't make a difference."
"Jay, you can't do this."
"But I don't want to."
"It's your dad's funeral. You'll never get another chance to speak to him, much less see him again! If you don't go in there, you'll regret it later." Alex said poignantly.
Jay took a moment to regard Alex's words, and think about them before he opened his mouth. He wanted to argue that his dad was a prick and he was glad he was gone, but he couldn't actually bring himself to say the words.
She held out her hand to him and reluctantly he took it. They walked into the church together and took their seats.
Alex hadn't been sure how to react when Jay came back that day and told them that his dad was dead. It didn't feel like long since Karen passed. His face was so unreadable she couldn't even ascertain what emotions he was feeling. For days after, he just acted like nothing was wrong. When asked a question, he'd reply with a tone so high pitched and breezy it sounded fake.
She refused to believe that she would take the news worse than Jay, but it seemed that sadly, this was true. She couldn't quite grasp how Jay didn't feel anything for his dad. Even through all the stuff he'd put the family through, Alex thought he'd still have some emotions left. Despite the total abandonment from her dad, if she had the chance to see him again, Alex would jump at the chance.
For Jay, obviously things were a bit different. Alex considered that maybe if she'd been through the trauma Jay had, she too may feel differently.
The congregation all stood as the coffin was bought in. Cringe-worthy organ music was flitting about and Jay grimaced as he stood and felt a handful of sympathetic eyes burning into his back. In less than a minute, the casket was going right past him, and he eyed it watchfully out of the corner of his eye. No matter how much he wanted to reassure himself he didn't care, he found he couldn't keep his eyes off it as he traveled past lingeringly.
He copped a look over his shoulder. There were at lest ten or eleven rows of seats, but only a sprinkling of guests here and there to fill them. He had no immediate family here. He didn't have his mom, obviously. None of his mom's side of the family were here, and he was pretty sure that he didn't know more than three of the people here. The funeral had been arranged through the prison, so all responsibilities had been handed to them. All Jay had to do was turn up. And he'd managed that. All he had to do now was stay to the end.
He turned back to the front and was reminded again of the cliche-ridden experience he was sitting through. A floral arrangement of white roses adorned the front of the church, and atop the coffin. Jay was relieved it was a closed-casket, he didn't think he had the stomach to see that man's face again. The last time was just that, the last time he'd see him. He was ready to get over this already.
The crowd was asked to sit, and Jay took advantage of this request gratefully. Alex sat close to him and linked her arm around his. He saw the distressed look on her face and wrapped his fingers around and in between hers to reassure her that things were OK. She was coping with this worse than he was, it didn't make sense.
"Jackson Reginald Pierce Hogart was many things. A brother, a husband, a father, a provider." Jay scoffed at this a little too loudly, and got a fierce whispered telling off from Alex. Nonetheless, the preacher carried on with the blatant lies and barefaced falsities. "We are gathered here today to mark the passing of a life so full of potential, soured only by misdirection and sometimes areas of slight weakness and momentary lapses of judgment." Jay smiled broadly at that. He'd never heard one man's violent wrong-doings being described as 'momentary lapses of judgment'. He just wanted to get up and exclaim the truth, what a fucking failure and asshole Jackson Hogart was, but Alex's tightening death grip on his hand deterred him. He raised his free hand up to his forehead and held his head in his hand wearily, willing this charade to hurry up and be over so he and Alex could leave and get away from all this faux-sadness...
"Jay, stop it, you're embarrassing!" Alex hissed sharply as Jay laughed at another misguided anecdote the vicar was reciting. He felt a pointed jab in the ribs and let out a strangled cry, muffled only by his own want not to get brutally attacked by Alex later on.
- - - - -
He seriously thought it was never going to end, but after what seemed an eternity, the organ music struck back up and it was time for the congregation to disperse behind the coffin.
Jay edged closer and closer, eager to get out the door and pronto. "Jay, where are you going, it's that way!" Alex called as Jay power-walked off in the opposite direction. She saw him raise his hands to his face and moments later a cloud of cigarette smoke engulfed him. Alex enjoyed the occasional cigarette or three of an evening, but smoking at a funeral was just so ironic and odd.
"I can't go back there. To the burial, no way." Jay exclaimed loudly. Several mourners turned to look at them as they passed by. Jay threw them a tired, dirty look and they carried on their journey right away.
"Jay, you're making a scene, stop it."
"I'm not making any scene, Alex! I just can't handle this, I don't like it and I wanna go home." Jay said firmly.
"You can't go now, you're gonna regret this." Alex tried to reason with the boy but it was like talking to a brick wall.
"Why are you so fucking concerned?" Jay shouted exasperatedly. "I just wanted to forget about this and move on, but you're not gonna let me, are you?"
Alex sighed decisively. "You'll thank me for it one day."
"Oh, yeah?" Jay raised his eyebrows. "When?"
He skulked off in the opposite direction leaving Ale with two options: follow him and face being ripped apart and eaten alive by an angry Jay, or join the congregation and stand by her moral fibers.
Jackson Hogart found God in prison. After a year in C block, too many broken bones and too many bloody noses later, he was moved to block E, to solitary confinement. It was here that he found religion, and started following the teachings of Christianity. Tragically, by the time he'd done this, the weight on his shoulders began to crush him, and the burden of what he'd done was catching up to him, and it all became a little too much for him to handle. He hung himself from the disconnected light cable hanging from the high ceiling in the middle of his cell. Before he went, he copied out word for word the lyrics to a song that he would play on repeat loop on his stereo...
The year was 1994, he and his fiancée Karen Earl were living at the trailer park with their son Jason, nicknamed JJ due to his first and middle initials, and the record of choice in the Hogart-Earl residence was a depressing guitar-grunge song by a Nirvana-esque band called Candlebox. The record was Far Behind, and the lyrics were touching in a way he'd never felt before. The lyrics were sad, and yes, they made him think about things, but that didn't stop him from beating Karen when she asked too many questions, or didn't do something to quite the way he liked it.
Jackson copied out all the lyrics, word perfectly, singing along as he wrote to make sure he remembered them right. Then came the not so easy task of composing the letter that was accompanying the lyrics. His wife was dead and he'd never got the chance to say goodbye. He knew that if he ever tried to get near to her, he'd probably be arrested and locked away with the key thrown away. His son was his last hope. He comprised a letter from the bottom of his heart, and wrote it with the hope that he would read it, acknowledge it and maybe even appreciate it...
Dear Jason,
Dad here. Writing to you from my prison cell. I'm in solitary confinement and have been for some time now. Not for much longer. Some may consider this the cowards way out, but maybe that works for me. People don't know. Nobody knows but us. I am truly sorry for all that I have put you through over the years, and my one wish before I leave here tonight is that you will find it in your heart, deep down somewhere, to forgive your old dad for everything. I know one pathetic sorry doesn't make up for fifteen years of neglect, abuse and hate, but soon this will be all be over, and we can go back to how things were and start afresh maybe.
Religion has helped me to get on the path to transforming my life, it's just now that path has come to unexpected road-works, and I feel that this world would be better off without me. I've included a little something inside for you. I hope you can understand my reasoning and you can someday learn to move on. Have it in your heart to one day let go.
I wish you all the luck in the future and I know one day, no matter where or when, or how reluctant wither of us are, we'll meet again.
Regards, Dad.
Now maybe
I didn't mean to treat you bad
But I did it anyway
And then maybe
Some would say your life was sad
But you lived it anyway
And so maybe
Your friends they stand around they watch you crumble
As you falter down to the ground
And then someday
Your friends they stand beside as you were flying
Oh you were flying oh so high
But then someday people look at you for what they call their own
They watch you suffer
Yeah they hear you calling home
And then some day we could take our time
To brush the leaves aside so you can reach us
But you left me far behind
Now maybe
I didn't mean to treat you oh so bad
But I did it anyway
Now maybe some would say you're left with what you had
But you couldn't share the pain
No, no, no
Couldn't share the pain, they watch you suffer
Now maybe I could have made my own mistakes
But I live with what I've known
And then maybe we might share in something rare
But won't you look at where we've grown
Won't you look at where we've gone
But then someday comes
Tomorrow holds a sense of what I feel for you in my mind
As you trip the final line
And that cold day when you lost control
Shame you left my life so soon you should have told me
But you left me far behind
Now maybe I didn't mean to treat you oh so bad
But I did it anyway
Now maybe some would say you're left with what you had
But you couldn't share the pain No, no, no
Now maybe I didn't mean to treat you oh so bad
But I did it anyway
Now maybe baby some would say you're left with what you had
But you couldn't share the pain
I said times have changed your friends
They come and watch you crumble to the ground
They watch you suffer
Yeah, they hold you down
Hold you down
Now maybe oh oh, maybe
I didn't mean to treat you bad
But you left me far behind
Left me far behind
Left me far behind
They watch you suffer
Yeah, they hold you down
Hold you down
Now maybe oh oh, maybe
I didn't mean to treat you bad
But you left me far behind
Left me far behind
Left me far behind
The small white envelope in the breast pocket of his jacket had been bothering him for some time now. He'd been given it that morning, but for some unknown reason, something stopped his curiosity from taking over completely and reading it before he was instructed to do so. Now he regretted ever opening it. Because it said all the things he was always too much of a big man to admit to himself. Because the poignant lyrics haunted him with bitter childhood memories he'd tried so hard to diminish from his memory. Also because he felt angry that his dad had left him in the lurch so much. Or maybe because it made him cry. He'd initially refused to let any tears fall today, or ever, but as he read and re-read the letter, he found himself welling up. They weren't gushing, mushy tears of self pity or general upset really, they were more stinging, angry tears that he didn't want to express but he had no control over. He was feeling a huge range of emotions and he couldn't pin just one or even two down. He needed to get away. He needed to find Alex and hold her tight.
Please review, I loved this chapter and I hope that you did too! :)