A/N: Thanks for the reviews! The number of reviews has dropped over the last couple of chapters which has made me feel slightly less confident, so an extra-large thank you to the people who have continued to review!
Also, a new updated poll about my next writing project is now up and I'd really appreciate it if you could head on over to my profile and vote! The summaries are also on my profile.
She gets a text from Santana halfway through her Thursday morning class, and although her phone vibrating scares her half to death, she can't pretend that she doesn't smile at Santana's predictability. Every single Thursday morning since they became friends, Santana has sent her a good morning text, bragging about sleeping in, and it's become one of the only good things about getting up early on a Thursday morning.
Santana [10.02am]: Morning Rach, guess who just woke up? Anyways, dinner tonight at the Chinese place around the corner. Be there for 7 or I'll kick your ass. If you don't show up, you won't get to see the guy I snared as my date ;)
She smile grows a little more at Santana's cockiness as she discretely texts back, not that the Professor would notice anyway. Some guy a few rows in front of her is actually snoring and the Professor hasn't noticed yet, so there's no chance she'll be caught.
Rachel [10.04am]: Morning to you too San. If you brag one more time, I won't bring you coffee and donuts on the way home from class, so start being nice. I'll be at dinner tonight... like I'd miss seeing this mystery guy! Do spill!
Santana [10.07am]: You better bring coffee and donuts or I won't tell you anything about the mystery man. Actually, scratch that. I'm not telling you anything full stop. A little mystery never killed anyone.
Rachel [10.09am]: Tell me who he is right now and I'll pick up croissants too...
Santana [10.12am]: You drive a hard bargain. He's a guy from the law firm – I don't really like him all that much but he asked me out and I didn't really want to turn him down... he's really tight with all the big bosses and I didn't feel like destroying my career, so he's coming to dinner. I figure you losers will scare him off anyway. Remember, coffee, donuts and croissants or I'll kill you.
She slides her phone back into her pocket, still smiling, and picks up her pen. These morning lectures are so incredibly boring and she hates them but she knows if she allows herself to take even one of them off, she'll never come back.
Publishing, and the classes she takes for it, doesn't really interest her. It's not like she's overwhelmingly passionate about it, not like she used to be about acting and dancing and singing, and she can't definitely can't imagine spending the rest of her life editing books. The only real reason she even chose the course was so that she could escape into another world but she finds that the level of boredom she experiences in all her classes is making her remember everything more.
She's so tempted to drop out of university completely because it's so embarrassing for her to be there. Most of the people in her classes are years younger than her because they've come straight from high school... in fact, Brittany's the only person she's met who's the same age as her. She's used to being the brightest and the top of her class, but here, the top position will never be hers because she's too old for it.
The only thing keeping her in school is the routine of it. She likes having a timetable attached to the whiteboard, she likes doing homework and assignments and she likes the familiarity of it. Having a routine to follow makes her feel comfortable and she doesn't want to leave that behind.
She's pulled from her thoughts when the rest of the class starts to stand up and move out. She looks at her phone, surprised to see that it's already 10.30am and that she's free for the rest of the day.
Her phone is vibrating in her pocket and she already knows that it's Santana telling her to get a move on so she doesn't bother to check it. Instead, she walks outside, wincing a little at the sunlight, and walks straight into Puck.
"Whoa, easy there Rach", he teases. "There's no need to throw yourself at me"
She chooses to ignore the blush she can feel spreading across her cheeks and she gratefully realizes that he's chosen to do the same. She doesn't understand why such an innocent comment from him can make her blush so quickly, or why sometimes, when he touches her, her skin feels all tingly.
"Are you going to the dinner tonight?" she asks casually as she continues walking, biting back a smile at the way he falls in step with her so quickly.
"Like I'd miss it. I heard from Mike who heard from Brittany that Santana was bringing a date. It's gonna be hilarious", he chuckles, and she smiles at the smirk on his face. "Do you know who Satan's mystery guy is?"
"Someone from the law firm... at least that's what she told me. Is Matt going to be there tonight?" she questions, her smile fading as she thinks about how uncomfortable it must be for Matt to see Santana moving on when he has no intentions of doing the same thing, at least not yet.
"Actually, Matt's on a date tonight", Puck informs her, a hint of shock still clear in his tone even though this wasn't new information for him.
"Matt has a date?"
"Yeah, Mike told me this morning. Apparently, there's this temp worker who just started working in Matt's department and they really hit it off while waiting for the coffee machine, and Matt plucked up the courage to ask her out a couple of days ago. Maybe our boy's night out gave him that much needed push", Puck explains, looking more than a little proud of himself.
She doesn't bother to correct him, but she has a feeling that Matt's sudden burst of courage had more to do with Santana than it had to do with Puck. She remembers Santana talking to her about some temp worker she was thinking of transferring into Matt's department because she thought they'd make a cute couple.
She's silent for a moment as she puts the pieces together and she lets out a small gasp as she realizes that Santana is responsible for Matt's sudden interest in dating.
"What is it Rachel?"
"Nothing... I was just wondering what you were doing here. I thought you were working this morning?"
"Nah, swapped my shifts around so that I'm working tomorrow instead, and I figured that instead of just lying on the couch watching TV, I'd come and keep you company while you picked up enough supplies to feed the dragon", he explains, his eyes twinkling as he gets to the end of his sentence.
"The dragon?" she asks, despite the fact that she's fairly sure she already knows who he's talking about.
"Santana. She's exactly like a dragon. She refuses to leave her cave unless she has to and she basically hoards whatever you bring her just in case she runs out", he jokes, and before she has a chance to stop herself, she's laughing, and not just a small chuckle either, but a loud laugh that bounces off the walls.
He looks startled for a moment but he quickly joins in, and his laughter just spurs her on. It's deep and more of a rumble or a bark than an actual laugh but she likes it. He just watches her with amusement as she wipes the tears away from her eyes and takes a deep breath to steady herself.
"You better hope Santana never hears you comparing her to a dragon", she warns. "She'll eat you alive"
He at least has the courtesy to look threatened but it just reanimates her laughing fit. She finds herself leaning on him most of the way to the bakery, and surprisingly, it's a lot of fun.
She thought it would be more awkward to be around him after everything that's happened over the last couple of weeks, but it feels normal. In fact, it feels exactly like it did a couple of weeks ago, before their friendship was really put to the test, and it's almost as if they've spent these last couple of weeks hanging out all the time instead of only socializing in a larger group.
"This is nice", she says softly as he walks up to the counter to pay. She doesn't intend for him to hear it but he spins around and smiles at her, and her breath catches in her throat as she smiles back.
Really, being friends with him isn't the worst feeling in the world.
(In fact, it might be one of the best).
She basically lounges around their apartment all day, reading magazines and listening to music. Brittany and Mike are out somewhere; Matt's in his bedroom prepping for his date and Puck disappeared into his room to do god knows what as soon as they got there, eager to escape from girl talk.
She and Santana lay side by side on Santana's bed and it's sort of perfect. It's one of those days that she'll remember forever just because of its simplicity.
They eat chocolate and talk about work and classes and she laughs hysterically when Santana does some strange, made-up routine to a cheesy pop song. She's the judge and jury on the millions of outfits that Santana tries on because even though she isn't remotely interested in this guy, she has to at least pretend to make an effort.
Eventually, Santana's supply of energy seems to run out and she collapses exhausted on the bed. "Thanks for your help today Rach", she sighs. "Now let's just hope you guys act your normal crazy selves and scare this guy away", she groans as she stretches her arms over her head.
"I heard an interesting rumour about Matt today", she states as soon as Santana stops moaning. "Something about him going on a date...?"
"Really? Matt's going on a date?" Santana asks, sounding surprised. She's always been good at reading people though so she takes one look at Santana's cocky expression and immediately her suspicions are concerned – Santana set this up.
"I've never met anyone with a big enough heart to set their ex-boyfriend up on a date", she says conversationally, smiling as Santana's face falls into a scowl.
"So you know, huh?"
"Yep", she says, making sure to pop the p just to annoy Santana.
"You can't tell anyone"
"I wasn't planning on it. I just wanted to know why you would set Matt up with someone. I get that you two are friends but it just seems a little soon for you to be selecting his next girlfriend", she says softly, her voice low so that no one in the neighbouring rooms can overhear.
"I didn't do it because I have a big heart", Santana begins after a second of hesitation. "I'm pretty much the most selfish person in the world, so I only did it because I was getting something out of it"
"What could you possibly get from setting Matt up with a girl you thought would be perfect for him?" she questions incredulously, not believing Santana for even a second.
"It gets rid of the guilt", the Latina says softly, her eyes focused on the ceiling instead of on Rachel. "I've got a date with a guy from work tonight, and Matt can't get upset over it if he has a date too. Setting Matt up means that I feel like less of a bitch over everything that happened and I feel less guilty about having feelings for someone else so soon"
She doesn't say anything in return, not wanting to pressure Santana into sharing information she's not ready to give, but after a couple of minutes of silence, she can't contain herself anymore.
"Feelings for someone else? Someone other than your date to dinner tonight?" she asks in a sing-song tone. A shadow of a smile flickers over Santana's face and she's glad that her attempt to relieve the tension didn't backfire.
"Yeah, I guess you could say it's someone other than my date but they're still going to be at the dinner tonight", she answers.
For a second, panic fills her chest at the thought of Santana having feelings for a guy that would be at dinner tonight. The only guys invited were Mike and Puck, and there was no way Santana would ever develop feelings for Brittany's boyfriend, which only leaves Puck.
She doesn't know why the thought of Puck and Santana together scares her so much but she quickly swallows the feeling. Santana's obviously freaking out over it and she clearly doesn't need any judgement about it.
As Santana sits there in silence, she plays back Santana and Puck's interactions in her head, but something just seems off. She's never seen Santana staring at Puck, or flirting with him, or showing any interest in him whatsoever. In fact, Santana never shows any interest in anyone except...
"...Brittany", she whispers out loud, her voice almost cracking with relief.
"I'm that obvious, huh?" Santana says quietly and she almost bursts into tears when she looks at Santana and sees that she's already crying.
"San... what's wrong? There's nothing wrong with loving Brittany and none of us are going to judge you for it. I think most of our friends have been expecting the two of you to get together for a long time"
"She's got a boyfriend, Rachel, and they're happy together. I can't break the two of them up because I refuse to hurt her. She's my best friend and I swore to myself that I'd never, ever hurt her", Santana whispers, and she looks so broken, it physically hurts.
"She could love you back Santana. You'll never know unless you tell her how you feel"
"You know how I said that I wanted to stop feeling guilty for falling for someone else so quickly? Well, no matter what I do, I'm never going to stop feeling guilty for this", she sobs, her voice breaking.
"Santana, stop beating yourself up over this. Matt's moving on, and you have every right to move on too", she says firmly, her eyes welling with tears.
"I fell for Brittany a long, long time ago. I fell for Brittany before Matt and I broke up... hell, I think I fell for Brittany before Matt and I got together... no matter what I do, I'm never going to be able to make up for this"
She doesn't know what to say as Santana completely falls apart in front of her. She's had her suspicions about Brittany and Santana's friendship but she never expected this. She thought that maybe they had a few more than friendly feelings for each other but that they'd never act on them. She never expected to see Santana so broken from being head over heels in love with her best friend for years.
"San... why is this an issue tonight? Why have you finally decided to admit your feelings tonight of all nights?" she says quietly, her fingers stroking through Santana's hair.
"Because I needed to say goodbye to her"
"Wait... what?"
"This thing between Britt and I has been growing for years. We've constantly been on the edge of something blooming between us whether we were single or in committed relationships. She knows how I feel about her and that if she just said the word; we could be together in a heartbeat. She knows all that, but she's never said anything. She's constantly pushed those feelings away and left them on the sidelines because she was with Mike and it was easier, and now, I'm tired of waiting. I've been single for a while now, and even before that, I was just waiting for her to decide whether or not she wanted me, and now, I'm just tired. I'm tired of being the one that doesn't get to be happy; I'm tired of being constantly overlooked and I'm tired of never being good enough. I want to be able to move on, and find someone that I really like and bring them to meet my family. I want to be able to live without constantly holding myself back from people because I'm too busy looking for Brittany... I want to be Santana again"
"So, you're saying goodbye to Brittany?"
"Yes, I'm saying goodbye to Brittany", Santana echoes, her eyes filled with pain.
"But... she's your best friend, Santana"
"And she's slowly but surely breaking my heart into a million tiny pieces. I'm not saying that it will be easy. Brittany's been my best friend for as long as I can remember, and it's going to kill me to not be able to talk to her or hang out with her alone or sleep in the same bed as her or even hold her hand when I take her shopping or to the zoo, and I know it's going to destroy her, but I have to look out for me now"
"Santana..."
"She has you now, and Quinn, and Mike, and I know it's not the same because Britt and I are soul-mates, and she thought we were forever but it's going to have to do because I just can't do this anymore", she whispers softly.
The silence stretches on between them for a couple of minutes as Santana dries her eyes and attempts to rub away the mascara that's run down her cheeks.
"Are you going to tell her?" she asks quietly, her hand firmly grasping Santana's.
"I have to. I owe her that much", she replies, her voice tiny.
"Well... we better get you ready for this dinner", she says cheerfully as she forces herself to smile. "You have to look good, remember?"
Santana sniffs and smiles gratefully as she clambers off the bed and throws her arms around Rachel. "Thank you for understanding", Santana whispers in her ear.
She doesn't respond but presses a soft kiss to Santana's cheek before pushing her towards the bathroom for a shower.
She sits in between Santana at dinner, and despite the fact that Santana's basically crushing her bones underneath the table, she doesn't pull her hand away.
Brittany's sitting opposite Santana and her generally cheerful disposition quickly evaporated when she saw that Santana had a date. Mike's sitting next to Brittany, basically ignoring her as he and Puck watch something on his phone. Santana's date is sitting quietly next to San, not daring to say a word.
The silence stretches on awkwardly, the only sounds coming from Mike and Puck as they chuckle at whatever they're watching. She stretches her leg out underneath the table, kicking Puck as hard as she possibly can, relishing the wince and the small squeak it elicits from him.
Mike quickly puts his phone away and he and Puck join the silence. If Mike notices Brittany's demeanour, he doesn't say anything, and it's left up to her to start the conversation.
"So Luke… what do you do in the firm?" she asks, her voice loud enough to pierce the uncomfortable silence.
He sighs with relief and starts rambling about his job. She, Mike and Puck listen intently, nodding and chuckling in the right places as Luke entertains them with stories of trouble clients and tough situations he's been in.
She really tries to listen but when Brittany pushes away from the table in anger and storms towards the bathroom, she can't pretend to be interested anymore. When Santana curses and throws her serviette onto the table and walks after the blonde, she's sure that no one is paying attention. She'd even be willing to bet that Luke had no idea what he was talking about anymore.
She slowly stands up from the table and walks towards the bathrooms where Santana and Brittany are involved in what looks like a very heated discussion, complete with hand gestures and flustered expressions.
"Did you bring him just to upset me?" a visibly upset Brittany demands, her eyes narrow as she stares at her best friend.
"Believe it or not, I wasn't thinking about you at all when I accepted this date!" Santana growls, her hair falling out of its bun and framing her now pink face.
"Well, how come everyone else knew that you were bringing a date except me?" Brittany questions, her finger outstretched and centimetres away from prodding Santana in the chest. "I'm supposed to be your best friend"
"For once, I wanted to do something for me", Santana yells, but she doesn't sound angry... she sounds devastated.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Brittany hisses, her face contorted in shock.
"It means I can't do this anymore", Santana whispers, her voice dropping as her face falls.
"Do what anymore?" Brittany asks, her face pale as she stares at her best friend. Her eyes look horrified as she contemplates what Santana means.
"I can't do this constant to-and-fro thing anymore. I can't stand the constant build up… we're always on the verge of becoming something more but you keep pulling back at the last minute and I can't keep waiting around hoping for something to happen between us. It's killing me Britt…"
"What's your solution then?" Brittany says softly, her hand falling back to her side as tears start to burn their way down her cheek. "What do you need me to do? You know I'll do anything San… you just have to tell me what to do"
"I can't tell you what to do, Britt. I've never told you what to do and I'm not going to start now. I just can't be your friend anymore", she replies. She pauses for a second, as if unsure whether to reach out and hug Brittany, but chooses to just smile softly at her best friend. "Thanks for everything Britt", she adds, her voice catching in her throat as she looks at the blonde.
Brittany opens her mouth to respond but Santana's already walking away from her.
"Look after Britt", she whispers to Rachel as she brushes past her. "She's going to need it"
"Santana…" she replies and attempts to place her hand on Santana's wrist, but the Latina merely pulls away and practically runs out of the restaurant, not even bothering to say goodbye to her date or anyone else sitting at the table.
She sighs softly as the door slams shut behind Santana and walks into the alcove, coming face to face with a sobbing Brittany.
"Britt…" she says softly as she wraps her arms around the tall blonde. "It's going to be okay"
Brittany doesn't say anything in response, merely crying in her arms, and her heart breaks as she sees just how devastated Brittany is. The blonde may not know it yet and she may not understand why she thinks Santana is going to be her forever, but it's clear she's madly in love with her best friend… she's just become a little lost along the way.
She can understand that.