A/N: Thank you to everyone who has stuck with this story all the way to the end despite the frequent lapses between updates and the fact that they thought this story would never officially be completed. This chapter is dedicated to you guys and to Laura, who without knowing it encouraged me to finish the story.
Disclaimer: Glee still isn't mine.
June (Puck):
He hears Rachel screaming and yelling in the bathroom but he does his best to block it out. She's made it clear that she doesn't want to be around him and he's tired of fighting this battle with her.
She's won.
Brittany, Mike and Matt stop talking when they hear her yelling and Brittany's face pales. "Why is Rachel yelling?" she asks, her eyebrows furrowing as she tries to figure it out.
"Maybe you could go and check on her Puck..." Matt cajoles.
"It's a girl's bathroom Rutherford. I can't go and check on her. Send Brittany", he orders, his tone leaving no room for an argument. Brittany nods in agreement and stands up to walk towards the bathroom, sending Mike a small smile as she walks off.
Less than five minutes later, he hears Brittany yelling for help and before he can convince himself to stay in his seat, he's running towards the bathroom, his hands shaking. He can hear Matt and Mike trailing after him but he doesn't acknowledge them, too focused on getting to the bathroom.
He pushes open the door, stopping as he sees Brittany on the floor nursing her face and Rachel sitting opposite her, looking panicked and desperate.
"You can't take them away from me", she whispers. "They're all I have left"
Mike pushes past him and pulls Brittany into a hug. He gently pulls her hand away from her face, frowning as he sees the small red handprint on her cheek. He can tell by the wince on Brittany's face that it's throbbing furiously.
He moves slowly towards Rachel, his hands outstretched. Her eyes are closed, her hands relaxed and she doesn't look dangerous. He slowly picks her up and cradles her in his arms, noting that she's passed out, and he walks out of the toilets and through the restaurant, ignoring all the looks and glances he's receiving.
Matt comes jogging after him a moment later. "Mike's still in the bathroom with Britt. Apparently, Britt said that Rachel needed help but that everything was going to be okay and when she went to reach for her, Rachel went crazy and slapped her across the face", Matt explains, his tone disbelieving. "It just doesn't seem like something Rachel would do. She adores Brittany".
"She's not Rachel right now", he says softly as he looks down at the girl cradled in his arms. "Call an ambulance and then call Santana. She'll want to be here for this".
If Matt doesn't want to speak to Santana, he doesn't make it obvious. He quickly dials 911 and relays the problem before hanging up and dialling Santana's number. He doesn't listen to Matt's side of the conversation, still focusing on Rachel and his attempts to not jostle her too much. Within twenty minutes, Santana has arrived and although he doesn't quite understand how she could possibly beat the ambulance, he doesn't question it.
Brittany and Mike join them on the pavement a few moments after Santana arrives, the blonde gravitating towards Santana although neither of them exchanges a word. The siren cuts through the suffocating silence and the paramedics help him load Rachel into the back of the vehicle.
There's a brief squabble over who gets to ride along with her but Santana quickly settles it by climbing in and pulling him in after her. Brittany looks a little lost and heartbroken but Mike and Matt quickly pull her in the direction of the nearest taxi so that they can follow behind.
He doesn't think his heart should be beating so loud.
The wait at the hospital is the longest thing he's ever experienced. After what feels like hours, Dr. Watson emerges and asks them all to follow him into his office.
"Before you all start going crazy and throwing questions at me, I want you to know that Rachel's awake and that there has been no long lasting damage caused from the incident in the bathroom", the doctor announces as soon as they all sit down and he's never felt so relieved in his life. "The paramedics received a version of events from Santana and Puck and Rachel verified this when I spoke to her, as well as giving me her own account about what's been happening in her life recently".
No one says a word as they wait for the Doctor to explain what's happening although Brittany does sniffle a little and Santana looks like she's close to throwing up. "Now, I'm aware that none of you are Rachel's family but are any of you aware of Rachel experiencing a major life change?" he asks, his tone concerned.
"Well, she moved to New York recently if that's what you mean", Brittany says softly, her tone confused. "But I don't understand what that has to do with anything".
"I'm thinking more along the lines of the death of a close family member or friend. Maybe a previously diagnosed mental illness? It could even have something to do with drugs. Is your friend a drug user?"
Santana's eyes narrow as she stares at the doctor and Brittany looks disgusted, like she honestly can't believe someone would question Rachel like that.
"Listen up asshole", he hisses. "I know you're just doing your job but Rachel isn't a drug user. She doesn't even like to take paracetamol when she's got a headache. If you did your job properly, you'd know that Rachel lost her high school boyfriend, her best friend and two other friends in a car accident on the night of her graduation party", he finishes, his tone cold.
"How long ago was this?" Dr. Watson questions, his pen poised over his notepad.
"Four years ago. Four years ago... today", he whispers as he runs through the timeline in his head. "What's wrong with her?" he asks, a lump growing in his throat as he runs through possible ideas in his mind.
"I believe Rachel is suffering from what we refer to as a psychotic break", Dr. Watson explains, his hand scribbling furiously as he jots down notes. Santana's skin takes on a faint green tinge, Matt and Mike look shocked and horrified, Brittany looks confused and he feels like the floor has dropped out from underneath him. He has no idea what a psychotic break is and he's sure that Santana, Matt and Mike don't either but those words don't exactly sound warm and welcoming.
"I don't understand..." Brittany whispers. "How is Rachel broken?"
"A psychotic break is generally characterized by an inability to distinguish the difference between fantasy and reality. Patients frequently suffer from delusions or hallucinations which can potentially lead to violence, as it did tonight. Other patients experience major depressive episodes. What's happening right now is that Rachel is experiencing symptoms of psychosis and I believe that it's been brought on because of the depression Rachel is facing due to the events that happened four years ago".
"She's happy though. Rachel... she's happy. We're her family and she's happy. How can she be depressed?" Santana asks and her voice sounds broken. He's never heard Santana sound like this before over anything other than Brittany. Rachel has somehow worked her way into Santana's normally ice-cold heart and it doesn't look like she'll be working her way out of it anytime soon.
"This isn't because of anything you've done. This has been growing for a long time and it's only just coming to the surface now. We want to admit Rachel to the psychiatric facility we have on the premises so that we can monitor her and make sure she's receiving the necessary treatment", Dr. Watson explains, his tone somewhat fatherly as he tells them exactly what's going on.
"She's not crazy", Matt declares, his voice passionate as he defends his friend.
"Yeah, we're not going to let you admit her. She doesn't belong with crazy people", Mike adds, his tone fierce.
"She belongs with us", Santana concludes. "We'll take care of her. We look after our family".
The doctor doesn't say anything, choosing to jot down more notes on his pad instead of arguing with them. "She hit me", Brittany whispers softly, her eyes focused on the doctor rather than her friends. "I tried to help her and she slapped me across the face".
"She's family Brittany. We stick by our family no matter what they do. That's what family is for", Santana hisses, her eyes narrowing as she glares at the blonde. "You know that... or at least, you used to".
"Don't turn this into something about us Santana", Brittany warns, turning her gaze on the Latina. "This is about Rachel. You weren't there. You didn't see what happened".
"She slapped you Brittany. That doesn't mean we should get her committed".
"We could hear her screaming from our table. She was screaming at Finn, yelling at him for leaving her, for breaking promises. She was yelling and screaming and crying and we could hear her from the next room. When I went in to help her, she was calling his name. She was so desperate that my heart broke just looking at her. She's seeing her dead boyfriend, San. That's why we need to have her committed... not because she slapped me but because she's seeing things that aren't there", Brittany rants, her voice getting quieter and quieter as she explains to Santana exactly what happened. Santana's eyes drop to the floor and he can tell that she's blinking back tears.
"Maybe... maybe she should be committed", Mike whispers regretfully as he grabs Brittany's hand and squeezes reassuringly. "We don't know how to fix her Santana. She needs people who know how to fix her".
"I can fix her", Santana says, her voice broken. "We can fix her. She's family and I don't turn my back on family. She's been nothing but kind to all of us and this is how we want to repay her? She's forgiven us time and time again for all the shit we pull and now, as soon as things get tough, we want to lock her away in a hospital? If we do this, I'll never be able to forgive myself and I'll never be able to forgive any of you".
The room falls silent for a moment until Matt clears his throat nervously. "Let's vote on it", he says quietly, his hand rubbing small circles on Santana's back. "Mike, what do you think?"
"She needs help. She needs something we can't give her. Not even you can fix this Santana. I'm sorry but she needs to be here", Mike says, his eyes begging Santana to understand why he's doing this. She just nods, her eyes burning into Mike as she takes note of his decision.
"What about you Matt?"
"I'm with you Santana. She should come home with us. We can bring her back here every day is necessary so that she can get help but she should be with people that love her", he states plainly, his tone firm despite the fact that his eyes are dazed and confused.
"I just want Rach to be fixed. I just want our Rachel back. She has to get better and if this is how it's going to happen then so be it. She's staying", Brittany tells the room. "I'm so sorry Santana. I know you love her but she needs this", Brittany adds, her voice quiet and desperate.
"Well Puck, it looks like you're the deciding vote", Santana states, completely ignoring Brittany's apology. "Matt and I want to take Rachel home; Mike and Brittany want her to stay here. What do you think?"
He's silent for a moment, weighing the options up in his mind. He's not keen on leaving Rachel alone in a hospital when she has no idea what's going on and he hates the fact that she might think that they're abandoning her when she needs it the most. Then he remembers the look on her face as she was backed up against the bathroom wall and the look she gets on her face sometimes when she thinks that no one is looking. He remembers the way she panics about getting into a car and the way she's afraid to get too close to people in case they leave her. He remembers all the times when she's seemed as if she's in another world, one far, far away and he remembers her screaming. He remembers feeling powerless and unable to help her and his decision is made.
"Rachel stays".
He tunes out the rest of the conversation, ignoring Santana's furious glare and the tears burning their way down her cheeks as she storms out of the room.
He's doing the right thing.
July (Rachel):
Living in a hospital ward is strange. She's been here for a month now and she's not the new kid on the block anymore. She still feels like she doesn't quite belong. Her doctors tell her that it'll be another couple of months before she's allowed to leave and she doesn't know how she feels about it.
On one hand, the hospital ward is safe. She doesn't know anyone here and she doesn't run the risk of being crushed if she loses anyone. She doesn't have to get in a car and she doesn't have to go to the classes that bore her and she no longer has to wear a mask. She can be herself because no one judges her.
On the other hand, she's lonely. She's in a single room and she finds herself missing Brittany's meaningless chatter and the way that someone always seemed to be dropping in to watch a movie or eat dinner. She misses vintage video game Wednesday, breakfast with Santana and gossiping with Brittany but most of all, she misses spending time with Puck. She misses the way his arm used to rest on her shoulders and his stupid jokes and the way he could always make her feel better, no matter how sad she was.
She's always prided herself on knowing exactly how she feels at all times and this feeling – this all consuming uncertainty – is crushing her soul.
Her life is a strict routine.
First of all, there's therapy. She's not a stranger to it. She had physical therapy after the accident and actual therapy sessions when her dad thought she needed help that they couldn't give her so she's used to the programs.
She just doesn't want to talk about it. She doesn't want to be judged. She doesn't want to feel as if her problems are inferior. Therapy just isn't her thing but she doesn't have a choice. She has sessions twice a day. Group sessions are in the mornings and her individual sessions in the afternoon and her legs cramp when it's time for her sessions because she just doesn't want to go.
Group session isn't as bad. She gets to listen to some stories that are more than a little interesting and because there are ten of them in the session, she can usually sink under the radar when she really feels like not talking.
She can't escape in one-on-one therapy though.
In her first session, she's asked to recount her story and she knocks a vase off the desk before storming out. "You know my story", she hisses. "It's in the file that's open in front of you", she calls just before she slams the door shut behind her.
Her second session doesn't go much better. She's asked about the accident and although she doesn't break anything, she doesn't say anything else for the remainder of the session.
The third time she sees her doctor, she's asked about the incident in the bathroom. "You wouldn't understand", she says quietly. "No one will". After that, she clamps her mouth shut and refuses to make eye contact for the last fifty six minutes of her session.
The fourth time, she's asked about Finn. The fifth time, she is questioned about the voices. The sixth session is dedicated to her hallucinations. The seventh, she's asked about her relationship with her friends. The eight is all about her family. She ignores them all, refusing to talk.
The ninth session focuses on her violent outburst in the bathroom.
"Wait... violent outburst? What are you talking about?" she asks, her voice small as she looks at the therapist. "I've never been violent in my life".
"According to your file, you slapped a girl called Brittany across the face because she came too close to you. Can you tell me about that Rachel?" Lily says softly, her green eyes meeting hers across the desk.
"I don't remember what happened. Finn was there and then he wasn't and then everyone was running into the bathroom and it was dark, like someone had turned off the light", she says quietly, her eyes filling with tears. "What's wrong with me? Why did I hit Brittany? Is she okay? Finn said I was sick... oh god, what's wrong me?"
"You suffered from what we call a psychotic break. You've been suffering from symptoms of psychosis brought on by a severe depression that was never treated", Lily explains, her voice gentle as she explains what's happening.
"So I'm crazy? That's what Finn meant by saying that I was sick? I'm crazy..." she repeats, her voice breaking. "That's why I'm here. I've gone insane".
"Rachel, relax. You aren't crazy. I'm going to help you. I just need you to work with me here", Lily reassures her.
"So, I'm not crazy?"
"You are not crazy"
"I'm going to be okay?"
"You are going to be okay", Lily says passionately. "I'll make sure of it".
Therapy isn't all that bad after all. It may even be one of the best parts of her day.
Then there are the phone calls from her dad's and they are, without a doubt, the worst part of being on the ward. They call every single day and demand to speak to her doctors before asking a million questions about what's going on.
She knows they're just worried and concerned about their only daughter but she can't take it. She'd be able to cope if they were only concerned about her but there's this little hint of something hiding in their voices. It takes her a while to understand what it is but when she finally realizes, her heart sinks in her chest.
They're disappointed.
It's not obvious. No one but her would be able to notice it. They probably haven't even mentioned it to each other. It's one of those things that just slips under the radar without anyone noticing it.
Except her. She notices.
It's just a little flicker of disappointment, like they're wondering where they went wrong. As if they're wondering what they did to deserve a crazy daughter. As if they want to know why she couldn't have just recovered like a normal person.
She thinks that's the thing that hurts the most.
Then there are the nightmares.
They don't hurt. Not in the way that the phone calls hurt. They just leave little marks; marks that grow bigger and bigger until she's left with huge, ugly scars on her mind and on her heart.
During the day, she's fine. She sits in the corner and stares out of the window, worshipping the way the sun falls across her face and warms up her entire body. She's quite content to just sit and breathe, to not have to think about putting on a show to satisfy other people.
She rediscovers that she loves the sun and learns that she hates the moon. The moon brings the nightmares.
Not just any nightmares. She wishes they were run of the mill nightmares – like getting lost in a maze and being unable to find your way out or standing at the top of a cliff, terrified of falling. She wishes those were her nightmares.
Her nightmares are horrid and disconcerting and they always end up with her panting and struggling to break free. Her nightmares consist of flames and screaming and when she wakes, she can almost feel the fire caressing her skin.
In her nightmares, everyone dies. Everyone except her. She's constantly left on the road, forced to watch as the car explodes. Sometimes it's Finn and Tina and Kurt and Artie in the car and she bolts upright, pulled from the dream and she cries silently, unable to suppress the pain that she feels. It has to escape somehow.
On other nights, it's Puck, Santana, Brittany, Mike and Matt in the car and these nightmares stretch on and on and on. They scream for longer and longer, begging her to come and save them. She hears Brittany's cries and she can hear Santana trying to comfort Brittany in their last moments because the blonde's wellbeing is always placed above her own. She can see Mike and Matt slumped in the back seat, groaning and trying their best to unplug their seatbelts so that they can move out of the burning hunk of metal.
And there's Puck. She can see his face in clear detail; can see every inch of pain etched across his face. It's like a punch to the stomach and she wants nothing more than to crawl back and rescue him but that's not the point of the nightmare. She's just lies on the road, trapped, forced to watch them burn.
The worst nightmares don't take place on a road with a burning car. The worst nightmares take place when she's standing on the stage and all of her friends are sitting in the audience, their eyes boring into her. They open their mouths and horrible, soul destroying words pour out.
She listens to them berating her for leaving them. She hears them blaming her for their death. She listens to Kurt ripping into her personality, calling her overbearing and insufferable. Artie says that he only puts up with her because she's friends with Tina and Tina says that they're only friends because she's too nice to admit that she hates her. And Finn, her wonderful Finn, tells her that he was planning on breaking up with her in New York because he could do better.
She watches as Brittany blames her for the problems in her relationship with Santana. Cringes when Mike says that he hates her. Blinks back tears when Matt says that they talk about her behind her back. Ignores the sinking feeling in her chest when Santana says they're only friends because she pities her. Swallows back the bile rising in her throat when Puck says that he feels nothing for her; that he hates her more than the rest of them combined.
She knows they're just nightmares and when she's sitting in the window, the sun on her face, she can escape their words. But at night, when she's lying under the covers, tears rolling silently down her cheeks, the words rip into her skin. They tear and pull until she's wounded and begging for it to stop.
That's how July goes.
August (Santana):
She visits Rachel. She ignores Brittany. She speaks as little as possible to the rest of her friends. She wonders when this became her life.
Rinse and repeat. Rinse and repeat. Rinse and freaking repeat.
September (Brittany):
Her September is confusing.
Rachel's broken in a way that looms over her head and taunts her. She doesn't quite understand what's wrong with Rachel and she's not brave enough to ask. Santana used to explain everything to her but Santana isn't speaking to her right now and she doesn't want to ask Mike because he'll look at her with frustration lingering at the back of his eyes.
She sleeps in her single bed, curled around one of Rachel's shirts. She wonders how everything got so messed up. She and Rachel were friends one minute – sharing beds and swapping secrets – and then Rachel was slapping her across the face and being left in a hospital that seemed colourless.
She needs someone to connect all the dots for her but she doesn't know how to ask. Santana usually just knows and she doesn't know how to ask anymore. It's usually just given to her.
So she lives in her own little world.
She goes on dates with Mike but she doesn't find his jokes as funny anymore and his smile doesn't seem as pretty and her heart doesn't beat all that fast anymore. After their third awkward date, she starts cancelling their plans so that she can just stay in the dorm room and watch old movies and eat junk movies.
She doesn't talk to Santana because Santana isn't talking to her and it hurts in a way she can't quite explain. It hurts more than anything else she's ever felt apart from that one week where Santana ran away and that confuses her too. San's supposed to be her best friend but best friends aren't supposed to feel this much. Sometimes, she thinks she's about to have a heart attack from loving Santana so much.
She hides away all the photographs of Rachel so that she doesn't feel guilty about not visiting her roommate. She doesn't know what she'd say and she doesn't like hospitals all that much. Every time she thinks of Rachel, her eyes start to burn and she crawls back into bed to cry.
She learns that her classes suck now that she doesn't have anyone to talk to about them but she also learns that crying really helps.
She hates September with a passion.
October (Mike):
October is strange. Rachel's in the hospital. Brittany's distant. Santana isn't speaking to him. Puck seems like he's about to go over the edge at any given moment.
He'll start with the Rachel thing, then the Santana thing, followed by the Puck thing and end on the Brittany thing.
The Rachel problem is obvious: they had her committed to the psych ward. He doesn't know if that makes him a horrible, awful, backstabbing person or a concerned friend. The line between right and wrong is kind of blurred and he has a feeling that he's stepping right on it and the next move he makes will send him spiralling to one side.
He tries to visit her but the guilt keeps growing until it paralyses his body and he's just waiting outside, staring at the doors. He begs himself to move but he just can't take those last few steps. He tries to go with Brittany but she keeps cancelling their plans and Matt's always busy and Quinn seems busy all the time too and he's scared to ask Santana and he's sure that if he goes with Puck, his friend will end up in the emergency room after punching a wall because he's that close to flipping out.
So, he sits outside the doors and hopes that one day, he'll gather enough courage to walk through those doors because he really wants to be a concerned friend, not a horrible, awful, backstabbing person who had someone committed just to make his girlfriend happy.
The Santana problem really shouldn't be a problem. He didn't think that having Santana ignoring him would be a serious problem. He always imagined that it would be kind of nice – relaxing and peaceful.
It's not.
He thought Santana was joking about never forgiving him for having Rachel committed but it looks like she's deadly serious. She refuses to make eye contact with him when he's in the room and she speaks in monotone when it's absolutely necessary.
What's worse is that she's one of the people she's treating well.
She won't speak to Puck at all and makes no attempt to hide the fact that she's constantly glaring at him. She refuses to be in the same room as Brittany and her rocky friendship with Quinn is all but over. Strangely enough, Matt is the only one she's talking to and he knows that's only because Matt voted the same way as she did.
He knows he's not the only one finding it difficult. Britt looks devastated every time Santana walks away from her and he wishes there was some way to protect her. He's not stupid. He knows Santana and Brittany have something. He's not selfish either. He just figures that if Britt wants to be with Santana, she'll leave him and that'll be the end of that. He just assumed that because they're still together, Brittany's chosen him.
He realizes that this isn't the case. They may still be together but Brittany's heart belongs to Santana. He's not even sure if Britt knows it but everyone else does. He's probably the last person to cotton on.
That's why the whole Santana giving them the silent treatment thing really sucks. It bursts the bubble he's been living in for years.
The Puck thing is kind of obvious.
He's known Rachel for a year, just like the rest of them, and he's been a little in love with her for at least half of that time. Now she's living in a hospital and he's blaming himself because he wasn't there to stop it. He's blaming himself because he shouldn't know better and he's refusing to talk to anyone about it which means that he's close to exploding.
He wishes he could say something to make it better but he knows he can't. Rachel is the only person who could gix this and he knows for a fact that Puck hasn't visited once.
The Brittany thing, on the other hand, is not obvious at all. She just doesn't want to see him. She doesn't want to see anyone. She spends most of her time in her dorm room alone and he has no idea how to get through to her.
October is usually her month and she's normally kind enough to share it with him (and Santana but that's a different story altogether). They work on their Halloween costumes together because he's gifted when it comes to sewing machines and she has no idea what to do and it's always a load of fun. She gets all excited and wants to try on her costume a million times and because of that, Halloween is his favourite holiday.
On the actual night, they go trick or treating with Matt and Santana and when Britt has enough candy, they head to a bar so the rest of them can get drunk while Brittany sorts it into piles and organises it properly.
This year, she ignores all his texts about Halloween and when he shows up with his sewing machine, she slowly closes the door in his face.
Sometimes, he just wants to lie in bed and wait until all of this has blown over. Instead, he makes his own Halloween costume, heads to a bar and gets completely drunk. The highlight of his night (of his month really) is when a cute redhead asks him for his phone number.
November (Matt):
November is the month when Rachel gets released. It's also the month where he asks Quinn out for the first time. It also becomes the first time he's ever been rejected.
But when she smiles at him and tells him to try again soon, it doesn't really feel like a rejection.
It feels like a promise.
December (Quinn):
She spends most of December getting ready for Christmas. She sets up mistletoe and a giant Christmas tree in the corner of the apartment and she goes absolutely crazy buying everyone presents, spending pretty much all of her first pay check on the gifts.
It's worth it though.
Rachel is still a little cautious around them, not that she can blame the brunette. Truthfully, she still feels a little uncomfortable around everyone too, mainly because they didn't think to call her when Rachel was breaking down. Santana and Brittany still aren't talking which is downright terrifying and it must be some kind of world record and on top of that, Santana's refusing to speak to anyone but Matt.
All she wants is for it to be their best Christmas ever but before she's even started, it looks like she's going to fail.
They all sleep in the apartment on Christmas Eve. Matt's arms are wrapped around her so that she doesn't fall off the couch and Brittany and Santana put aside their argument and sleep in one of the beds, their hands entwined as they drift off to sleep at the exact same moment, earlier than everyone else because Britt doesn't want to miss Santa Claus.
She watches as Rachel's face brightens up a little bit when Puck walks into the room dressed in a Santa costume (he always puts gifts out for Brittany on Santana's orders) and she can't help but wonder what's going on between the two of them. Rachel's been out of the hospital for about two months now and she and Puck seem just as close as ever which just doesn't make sense because she's still skittish around everyone else.
She makes a mental note to observe the two of them more often.
On Christmas morning, she's woken up by Brittany bounding around in her pyjamas, desperate to open presents. She gently wakes up Matt and giggles at the grumpy look on Santana's face as she emerges from the bedroom, cursing about the early time.
She watches as Puck softly kisses Rachel on the cheek under the mistletoe and she marvels at the way Rachel's skin flushes such a delicate pink. If she's perfectly honest, it's really kind of beautiful and it makes her curiosity swell even more.
She gets distracted as everyone opens their presents. Even Puck and Rachel get into it, despite the fact that they don't celebrate Christmas but it's mainly to make Brittany happy.
The highlight of her day is definitely when she opens up the present Matt bought her and finds a charm bracelet with all their initials on it and a little note placed on top. Go out with me, Quinn. She can feel her own face flush as she smiles at him and nods. His pleased laugh in response makes her face flush even more. All she wanted was for Matt to make a real attempt to ask her out instead of making her feel as if he was only asking because she was the only one available. He's more than met her challenge.
She finds herself smiling more and more as everyone but Rachel (who can't drink with the medication she's on) gets rowdier as they drink more and more.
It's the best Christmas she's had in a long time.
(When Matt kisses her softly as he says goodnight, she realizes that this might be the best Christmas she's ever had).
January (Rachel):
She doesn't know how she feels about being out of the hospital. She likes sleeping in her own bed and spending time with the people that care about her but she misses the appointments she has with Lily. She still has twice-weekly appointments but with a new therapist who isn't quite as passionate about her job.
It's like starting from square one and that feeling sits awkwardly in her chest.
"Why don't you tell me about the hallucinations, Rachel?" her new therapist, Paula, asks during their first session.
She doesn't like the way Paula refers to them as hallucinations. It doesn't do them justice. Hallucinations sounds like they were a cloud of smoke or a rapidly disappearing thing but that's not the truth. They were such a large part of her life and she hates hearing them referred to as hallucinations.
"Don't call them hallucinations", she reprimands, her eyes trained on the floor.
"That's what they were Rachel. You were suffering from symptoms of psychosis and you were having auditory and visual hallucinations. They weren't real".
"They were real to me", she whispers, her voice cracking as she defends them.
"Why don't you tell me about your friends, then?" Paula asks, instinctively knowing that she needs to take a step backwards and let this one slide.
"What do you want to know?"
"What did they say when you saw them?" Paula asks, her eyes filled with curiosity as she starts jotting down notes.
"Well, sometimes I couldn't see them. Sometimes they were just voices in my head, whispering things to me. They'd berate me for leaving them and whisper that it was my fault that they died. And when I did see them, they generally just stood there, staring at me until I could feel it in my chest. On the night I slapped Brittany, Finn told me that Britt was trying to take them away from me".
"So you slapped her?"
"I didn't realize what I was doing. I don't even remember slapping her. I just remember seeing the red hand print on her face as she cowered away from me. I don't know why I did it... I was just so scared", she whispers, her hands shaking as she remembers the scared look in Brittany's eyes.
"You thought she was a threat. It's understandable Rachel. You were scared and threatened and your body reacted appropriately to the situation".
It's not just the hallucinations they talk about. They talk about the accident and her relationship with her new friends (her new family). They talk about her dad's and why she thinks they're disappointed in her. They talk about her body issues; about the scars that she believes have ruined her.
She's never entirely comfortable in the leather chair, voicing her secrets to someone she doesn't know and isn't sure if she trusts but she knows it's what she has to do.
(As she walks out of the office one day, she says a quiet goodbye to her boyfriend and her friends. She can't hear them anymore and she definitely can't see them and she knows that that part of her life is gone. They're gone. She's getting used to how her heart feels when it breaks).
If therapy is confusing, her medication is straight forward. It was a condition of being released from the hospital: she had to take her medications as required or she'd be brought straight back in.
She has to see her GP and her therapist and occasionally has to go back to the hospital so that they can check she's still following all the instructions they gave her. She has to take antipsychotic drugs to block the dopamine in her brain to minimise her hallucinations as well as antidepressants and mood stabilisers to counteract her depression. Paula seems to think that if all goes well, she'll only be taking the medication for a year (unless, god forbid, she suffers a relapse).
She takes it because she wants to get better. She doesn't want to be the girl who sees her dead friends. She doesn't want to be the girl who hears voices. She doesn't want to be the girl who can't move on from her past and lets her future slide away from her because of it.
(She tries to pretend that she doesn't miss their voices; that she doesn't need them; that she can do this without them supporting her. The words were originally a lie but she slowly starts to believe them).
If therapy is confusing and her medication is straight forward, she doesn't know how to define her relationship with Puck. He didn't visit her while she was committed. In fact, no one but Santana came to visit and although she was a little shocked at the lack of visits, Santana's recap about the vote in the doctor's office helps explain it.
They're all guilty.
She wants to tell them she's thankful that they took care of her but none of them ask her how she's feeling. She wants to tell them that she's scared that they don't see her the same way anymore but she doesn't know how to bring it up.
Puck doesn't mention anything about the hospital but he seems more than happy to jump back into their friendship. They watch old movies and eat pizza on Monday nights and on Wednesday they go for coffee while he's on lunch and she's got a gap between classes (she dropped out of her publishing course and is starting over again, hoping to get her teaching degree). On Friday night, he plays X-box games while she catches up with her reading.
It's like nothing has changed between them but at the same time, everything has.
One Friday night, she looks up from her reading to find him completely ignoring the game, staring at her with furrowed eyebrows as if she's something he doesn't quite understand.
"I forgive you", she says softly. "For having me committed. I was mad at first but I know now that you were just doing what was best for me".
He doesn't say anything in return but his frown lessens as he turns back to his video game. She's sure that she can even see him smiling as he destroys a zombie that's heading towards him.
That's not the confusing part of their friendship though.
Before she was committed, she knew that he had feelings for her. He brought it up all the time and even when he didn't mention it, he wasn't particularly subtle about it and neither was the rest of the group. Now she's not too sure how he feels.
He opens the door for her and rests his arm on the back of her chair when they're sitting next to each other. He kisses her on the cheek under the mistletoe and tries his hardest to make her laugh but something feels different. His eyes don't seek her out the way they did before. She can't feel his eyes trailing over her body as she walks in front of him and the way he treats her is just off.
He acts like she's fragile. Like she's made of glass and that he'll shatter her if he looks at her the wrong way.
(She begins to miss the Puck she was friends with before she was committed).
February (Santana):
She and Rachel are closer than ever. She and Quinn are friends again. She doesn't want to hit Puck in the face every time he's in the same room as her. She and Matt are past that awkward break-up stage and even though she'd never admit it, she thinks he and Quinn are kind of perfect together. She's even getting along with Mike.
She's still not talking to Brittany.
She misses her best friend but she doesn't know how to fix them. She doesn't know how she can possibly apologise for ignoring her for months. She doesn't know if she can make up for it and she has no idea what would happen if they became friends again. She can't cope being just friends with Brittany and she can't cope with not being friends with Brittany so she's stuck.
She has no idea where she's supposed to go from here. All she wants to do is throw some huge romantic gesture for Valentine's Day so that she can woo her ex-best friend who probably isn't even remotely interested in her.
March (Mike):
He and Brittany break up on March 1st. He forgives her for the fact that she's basically treated him like crap for the last few months and he even forgave her for bailing on their Valentine's Day plans but when she tells him that she loves him but isn't in love with him anymore, he just feels relieved. He knew it was coming. He's known it was coming ever since Santana and Brittany stopped talking and yeah, he was selfish for holding on for so long but he's never been good at being alone. He understands now that being with someone that doesn't love you is so much worse than being alone.
"It's Santana, isn't it?" he asks when she tells him that she thinks they should break up.
"What do you mean?" she asks, her eyes widening in surprise and she bites at her bottom lip nervously.
"You said that you aren't in love with me anymore. That you love me but you aren't in love with me anymore. And I get it. You don't look at me the way you used to... but I've seen the way you look at Santana. The way you have to fight back tears when she doesn't look at you. The way you've stopped going out. How happy you were on Christmas when you thought that the two of you had made up... she's not just your best friend. You love her Britt".
"She's not even my best friend anymore, Mike", she says softly, not bothering to deny the fact that she's head over heels in love with the Latina. He just pulls her into his arms and holds her while she cries, wondering why he's not more heartbroken over the fact that he and Brittany just broke up. Instead, he's just sad for her – sad that she's so in love and she's slowly getting her heart crushed.
He leaves when she's finally stopped crying and as soon as he's outside, he knows that he needs to fix them. He pulls out his phone and texts Santana, shaking his head slightly when he realizes just how much things have changed recently.
This has gone on long enough. Fix it Santana. She misses you and you miss her. Just fix it.
His phone goes off within two minutes, the reply making his face fall.
I don't know how to fix it. Not this time.
It's the worst break-up he's ever had.
April (Brittany):
She and Mike broke up. She's head over heels in love with Santana. She's lost Santana forever. She thinks that just about sums it up but she wakes up on April Fool's Day and realizes that she can't do this anymore. She doesn't want to sit back and let her life pass her by any longer. She's going to go and get the girl she loves.
She runs all the way to Santana's apartment in her pyjamas, ignoring the weird looks that she's getting. She doesn't bother knocking, choosing to just burst into the apartment. Santana's in the kitchen wearing just an oversized shirt and her tiny, tiny sleeping shorts and she pauses for a second. The Latina is dancing along to whatever music her iPod is blasting and her heart aches because she's missed her best friend and she's never looked so damn beautiful.
She walks slowly over to her and gently pulls her earphones out. "It's me", she whispers, smiling slightly as Santana jumps, clearly startled. She backs away and waits for Santana to turn around and face her. "I've missed you", she says softly as she stares at her best friend and she watches as emotions flit over Santana's face – grief, adoration, regret, doubt, love – and she just knows that she's supposed to be with Santana. "But I've realized that we don't work as best friends".
She watches as Santana's eyes fill with tears and she realizes that Santana has been just as lonely as she has since Rachel got admitted. "I'm not going to lie and pretend that I'm not mad at you for ignoring me; for not trying to repair our friendship because I am mad. I'm furious Santana. I thought our friendship meant more to you than that. But I'm also not going to lie and pretend that I'm not madly in love with you", she explains. "And if you'll have me, I really want to be your girlfriend".
The word girlfriend barely falls from her lips before Santana's tugging her impossibly close and slanting her lips against hers. Her heart races and she can't believe she and Santana haven't been doing this for years. She gently places her hand on Santana's hip and tugs the Latina even closer until they're practically one person. She doesn't know where she ends and Santana begins and she likes it that way.
Eventually, Santana pulls away from her so that she can catch her breath. "I'm so sorry B. I've missed you so much but after the first month went by... I didn't know how to make it up to you. I didn't know that I could. I can't believe I almost threw us away", she whispers, her voice breaking.
"It's not just your fault San. I could have forced you to be my friend again but I just let you go. We're both to blame"
Santana looks like she's about to cry and she frowns slightly, not understanding why Santana would be crying when she's supposed to be happy. "Did I do something wrong?" she asks. "Do you not want to be my girlfriend?"
"You did nothing wrong, Britt and of course I want you to be my girlfriend. I've wanted you forever. I'm just so happy right now", Santana explains, a huge smile stretching across her (perfect) face. "I'm just worried that this is all a practical joke. It is Aprils Fools Day".
"Never", she says solemnly. "We're meant to be together Santana. I'd never joke about that".
April is her new favourite month.
May (Puck):
"Puck, we're going out for dinner on Friday. You and Rachel can take a raincheck on your weekly dinner thing and spend some time with the rest of us", Santana orders from her spot on the couch. Rachel giggles, her head lying in the Latina's lap as she flicks through the TV channels in an attempt to find something decent to watch.
His voice catches in his throat. He doesn't quite know how to explain that he's not going to be able to make it on Friday. He's not quite sure how he's supposed to tell his friends that he's got a date on Friday night.
It's not that he's ashamed of it (except that he really, really is). He's been single for years but he's always found female company if he needed it. For the last year and six months, ever since he started having feelings for Rachel, he hasn't had any company.
This date on Friday... that's all it's about. It's a glorified booty call and he doesn't want to explain that to them. It's not something he wants to advertise, especially considering the girl he's interested in is lying on the couch.
"I've got a date on Friday night", he says casually, his eyes avoiding Rachel's.
Santana's reaction doesn't disappoint. "Well, cancel it. This will be the first dinner everyone will be at since Britt and I have become a couple and that trumps a date with some stupid bimbo you met like, three days ago"
"Santana..."
"No buts Puck. We're going out for dinner on Friday night and you're going to be there or I'll make sure no girl goes out with you again", she threatens, her eyes narrowing in frustration.
He turns around to glare at her but his face falls when he looks at Rachel. She's staring in the opposite direction but her bottom lip is trembling and her eyes seem a little glassy and his heart beats a little louder in his chest.
"Let him go on his date Santana. He deserves it", she says quietly. "We shouldn't control his life", she adds as she forces a chuckle.
Santana's glare slowly falls off her face as she looks down at Rachel. "Go away Puck", she orders, her tone venomous. "If I see you in here again before I give you permission... let's just say that dating will be the least of your problems".
He doesn't argue as he walks out of the room, desperately trying to ignore the fact that Rachel's practically crying on the couch. He can't do anything right anymore.
June (Rachel):
She doesn't know why she cares. She's turned him down every time he even hinted at anything more than friendship and she doesn't know why it's suddenly different now. All she knows is that her skin feels electric every time he touches her and she can't help but blush whenever he smirks at her.
She tries to talk to Paula about it but her therapist just smiles knowingly and tells her to work it out for herself.
"I can't work it out! That's why I'm asking you", she whines, her hands tapping on the arm of the chair.
"It's obvious Rachel"
"It clearly isn't", she pouts, her bottom lip sticking out as she stares at Paula. "Just tell me"
"You like him"
"What?" she questions, her voice high pitched. "That's your clever observation?"
"What do you want me to say Rachel? You like Puck. That's why you feel that way when he touches you; that's why you can't stop blushing around him. You like him".
"No. That can't be right. What about Finn?"
"Rachel... it's been a year since you had the breakdown. It's been five years since Finn's death. You may not believe it but you are ready to move on. I'm not suggesting you rush into anything straight away but it's been five years and you're ready", Paula says quietly, her eyes soft as she talks.
"But he's dating. He goes out with a different girl every couple of weeks. He's moved on".
"From what you tell me, he hasn't moved on at all. He'll be back at your side as soon as you tell him you're ready. He's been waiting for a year and a half already and he's not going to throw that away. If you tell him that you're ready, he will be there Rachel. Those other girls are just company while he waits for what he really wants: you".
"But what about the medication and the therapy visits? He's not going to want to date a crazy girl", she protests, her eyes wide and imploring.
"Don't pull that excuse Rachel Berry. He's been by your side for the last year despite you being on medication and seeing me. He was at your side before all that, trying to help you get better. Anyway, the medication won't be a problem anymore because you're officially off it..." Paula trails off, her smile widening as Rachel's eyes widen in shock.
"Wait, what?"
"Those medications aren't for permanent use. We generally prescribe them for a year unless there are any relapses. You're fixed Rachel. We've cured the symptoms of psychosis and in these therapy sessions, we've been slowly working on your depression... you're slowly getting brighter, whether you realize it or not. You're going to be okay. You're well on your way to recovery".
She doesn't say anything but beams as she launches herself out of her seat and rushes around the desk to hug Paula. "Thank you, thank you, thank you", she whispers quietly, her eyes filling with tears.
"Don't thank me, just go and get your man", Paula replies, her returning smile huge.
She doesn't know what she's thinking. She doesn't know why she thought standing in Puck's bedroom in just her bra and panties was a great idea.
Actually, that's a lie. She thought that she should show him what he's letting himself in for if he decides to date her. He knows all about her other issues - the therapy, the dead boyfriend, the breakdown – but he's never seen her scars. He's never seen the backs of her legs because she's always done her best to cover them up around people. He's never seen the burns that mottle what Finn used to call her perfect skin and he's never seen the little scars that litter the lower quadrant of her stomach; the scars she got from crawling over broken glass.
So, after Paula tells her to go and get her man, she gets a taxi (see? Progress!) over to his apartment. She plans her big speech and decided that unless she's in her bra and panties, it's not going to be perfect and this needs to be perfect. After everything she's put him through since they met, she owes him one perfect moment.
She waits in his bedroom nervously, forcing herself not to reach for her clothes and cover herself up. As soon as he opens the door and walks in, she flushes a deep red and opens her mouth. "This isn't a booty call", she begins, groaning internally when she realizes what she just said.
"Okay..." he trails off, frowning as he tries to work out just what this is. "You're standing in your underwear in my bedroom and I really have no idea what's going on so would you be kind enough to explain it to me?"
"I want you to cancel your date next week"
"Why? Do we have plans that I forgot about or something? If we do, I'm really sorry, Rach", he apologises, confusion still written all over his face. "Why do you have to be in your underwear to tell me that? You could have just texted me".
"No, we didn't have plans. We could have plans though. If you want to have plans, I'd be fine with us having plans... if that's what you wanted us to have. I'm fine with all kinds of plans", she rambles, her voice shaking with nerves. God, this is so much harder than she thought it would be.
"I want you to cancel your date because I don't want you dating anyone but me", she says seriously, her voice quiet as she stares at the floor, unable to look him in the eye.
"...what?" he asks again, disbelief colouring his tone.
"I don't want you dating anyone but me. I can't promise you that I won't get scared or run away when things get tough. I can't promise you that I'll suddenly have everything miraculously figured out. All I know is that I'm apparently healed now and that all I can think about is you so I want you to cancel your date because I don't want you dating anyone but me"
He's silent for a moment and her heart sinks in her chest as she realizes that she's probably just embarrassed herself for a guy that no longer wants to be with her. She slowly raises her head to look at him and she feels sick when she sees his blank expression. He's trying to let her down easily.
"Explain the underwear", he says, his face expressionless as he stares at her.
"I wanted you to see my scars. I wanted you to know what you'd be getting into if you agreed to cancel your date. I didn't want you to say yes and then months down the track, see me without my clothes on and be disgusted. I wanted you to see my scars because I wanted us to have a relationship. I thought that you liked me and oh god, I'm so embarrassed", she rambles, reaching for her clothes that she conveniently left folded on the bed. "So I'm just going to go now and if you could just forget that this happened, I'd really appreciate it".
"Rachel, wait", he stops her, his hand wrapping gently around her wrist. "Just wait". He doesn't say anything more but takes off his shirt and throws it into the corner of the room before tugging at his shorts. "Good thing I wore boxers today", he teases before tossing his shorts away. He stands back, allowing her to take a look at him, before he starts speaking again. "I don't have any scars, Rachel. What I do have is tattoos and in a way, they're like my scars"
She just stares at him, her eyebrows furrowed. She really has no idea what's going on.
"This one here is from when Quinn told me that she was pregnant but I wasn't the father. This one here is from when my dad got back in contact with me but it turned out he just needed a place to crash because his current wife had thrown him out. He was with me for two days and then I got home from work and he was just gone. I haven't heard from him again. And this one here, this new one, I got that when you got committed", he admits nervously.
She moves closer to him and tilts her head slightly to read the words written across his hip.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
"Rachel, what I'm trying to say is that we all have scars and they're the things that make us who you are. And your scars, they're a part of you. Every time I look at you, they're going to remind me of what you survived; of just how strong and beautiful and funny and incredible you are and how it feels to know that you're mine".
She doesn't know whether to laugh or cry so she settles for both, a strangled little sound ripping from her throat. "Yours?" she repeats, needing him to clarify it.
"Rachel, you can't honestly think I would turn you down. You're everything I've ever needed and everything I never knew I wanted and you're perfect. Be my girlfriend?"
"Will you cancel your date?"
"Yes"
"Then yes. I would love to be your girlfriend. I would also love to not have to address you by your ridiculous nickname anymore", she says, a small smile stretching across her lips. She doesn't get a chance to say anything else before he tugs her closer and kisses her, his lips fitting perfectly with her own.
He pulls away after a few moments and she blinks, startled. "Noah. That's my name. Puck's just a stupid name I made up in high school so that I wouldn't get beaten to a pulp".
She just nods, her smile growing as she looks at him. Her hands are clammy and her heart is beating way too fast but when she looks at him, she finds that she doesn't mind.
"And Rach, as great as this is, you really have to put on some clothes. I can't keep kissing you when you're pressed up against me in just your underwear". She laughs and steps away from him to grab her shirt from the bed. "No, Rach. Grab one of mine. I've always wanted to see you in my clothes".
Five years ago, she lost everything but today, standing in front of him, she thinks that she might be able to get past it.
Fin.