Chapter Two: The Flabbergasted Friends Feedback

"Sheldon, doesn't anything seem wrong to you?"

Sheldon looked at his roommate with something almost like an expression. While his mind had been largely preoccupied with Katie Farrah Fowler's potential as a physicist since they left the Cal-Tech cafeteria, Sheldon was not one to let an opportunity slide. "Well, since you ask, Leonard, your hands seem permanently incapable of attaining the desirable ten-and-two position, you hardly ever stick to the speed limit as set out in our roommate agreement and ..."

"Not about my driving, about Amy's sister!"

"... And personal problems persistently interfere with your judgment," Sheldon finished. Leonard glared at him. "See? You're glaring at me with what seems to be either frustration or flatulence instead of focusing on the road."

"Look, you can't take Amy's sister as a doctoral candidate without discussing it with Amy first," Leonard said with an attempt at patience.

"There's nothing in our relationship agreement that states otherwise," Sheldon objected. "In fact, alongside the now well-known 'no coitus' clause is a prohibition on family interfering with research. I call it the 'no family and no familiarity' rule."

"Well, this is not about research. This is about your relationship with Amy."

"I hardly see how the two are connected. You know what happens when Amy and I start arguing about the proven supremacy of physics over neurobiology."

"Yes. Animals go into hiding, moms haul their children into mini-vans and camouflaged men in military bunkers start loading their guns," Leonard muttered.

"The humorous implication being that it would be akin to World War Three?"

Leonard sighed. "Yes."

"That's funny," Sheldon said with his odd, breathy laugh.

"In more ways than one," Leonard mumbled.

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"Hey," Penny greeted them as she met them inside the entryway of their apartment building. "Was Sheldon's class as horrible as my Cheesecake Factory shift?"

"Not for me," Sheldon replied.

"Why was your shift horrible?" Leonard asked.

Penny shrugged. "Ham-fisted families with jam-handed babies, that's all."

"I must say," Sheldon remarked as the three started walking up the stairs, "your vocabulary has shown some satisfactory expansion since we first met. I'd like to think I contributed to that development, albeit in some small and understated way."

"Oh my God, you, like, totally have," Penny shot back. "Now stop changing the subject and tell me how the class went."

"Also satisfactory. Thank you for enquiring."

"So satisfactory, in fact, that he signed up to be Amy's sister's study leader," Leonard added.

"Shut up!" Penny exclaimed. "Amy has a sister?"

"I'm surprised you didn't know that," Sheldon said. "You are her 'bestie', after all."

"So you knew Amy has a sister?" Leonard clarified. That made sense. At least it explained Sheldon's lack of a reaction to Katie's name.

"Of course. It was part of the disclosure forms attached to the relationship agreement."

"Why didn't you tell us?" Penny asked.

Sheldon sighed as though the answer was self-evident. Honestly, he thought. I have to explain everything to homo sapiens. "Because there is also a confidentiality clause attached to the relationship agreement."

Penny glanced at Leonard as Sheldon walked into their apartment. "Are you sure his mother had him tested properly?"

"So they both claim, but I have my doubts," Leonard responded.

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"Amy has a sister?"

"Sheldon voluntarily took on a doctoral candidate?"

Howard and Raj stared at Leonard with blank incomprehension.

"Have you met her?"

"Yeah, is she real or is this another 'Sheldon had too much sugar' episodes?"

"She's real, all right," Leonard said as he settled into the armchair with his Indian takeaway. "And she's almost exactly what I've imagined my children with Penny would be like."

"That's unsettling," Howard frowned as he flopped down onto the couch.

Raj sat down next to him. "Yeah. Sheldon's arrogance in Penny's beautifully sculpted body? Imagine the ego."

"Why would my children have Sheldon's arrogance?" Leonard asked, perplexed.

Howard shrugged. "Its part of a highly unlikely, yet plausible, scenario involving your marriage to Penny and a timely sperm donation from Sheldon."

"I don't know if I'm more offended or creeped out by that," Leonard mused.

"Well, we can get back to your feelings once you've decided. How did Amy's sister convince Sheldon to take her as a doctoral candidate?" Raj asked.

"Yeah. Was it part of another highly unlikely, yet plausible, scenario involving a striptease in the Cal-Tech cafeteria?"

"I'm not entirely sure anyone could motivate Sheldon by stripping," Raj remarked. "Apart from R2D2, of course."

Howard grinned. "And that would only be because Sheldon wants to check out the circuitry."

Neither one of the guys noticed the blinking light on Sheldon's laptop which indicated that his webcam was on and broadcasting their conversation into Amy's apartment.

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"I wonder why she never told us about her sister." Penny tucked her feet underneath her as she curled up on the couch.

Bernadette's eyes crinkled with concern. "Something bad must have happened between them. I wonder if …"

"Hold that thought," Penny said as a loud knocking interrupted Bernadette.

"Mayday! Mayday!" Amy said when Penny opened the door. "From the French 'm'aidez', meaning 'help me', but more commonly used as a distress signal when at sea."

Penny wondered if there was a polite way to ask if Amy had snorted the starfish's crack cocaine.

"I am in distress and feel all at sea," Amy clarified, seeing Penny's puzzlement. "Hence, mayday! Mayday!"

"Have some wine," Penny said, as much to her unexpected guest as to herself. "Why are you in distress, Amy?"

"I have overheard a conversation from the boys' apartment which may astound you," Amy said, sipping at the proffered wine. "Sheldon has taken on a doctoral candidate."

Penny and Bernadette shared an 'uh-oh' look.

"Sweetie, I heard from Sheldon after his class that he wanted to take on your sister," Penny said gently. "I wasn't sure if you wanted me to know about it or not."

"Of course I do. That is what friends are for, according to Sesame Street. However, while I am somewhat concerned by Sheldon's choice of student, the relationship agreement limits my scope for interfering with his academic pursuits."

Penny wondered how to probe. "Why are you worried about your sister being Sheldon's student?"

"That is neither here nor there. Don't be so nosy, bestie," Amy retorted.

"Maybe you should just tell Sheldon that you're upset," Bernadette suggested.

"Oh, Bernadette. How winningly naïve you are. Penny, explain to Bernadette what happens when Sheldon and I argue about the proven supremacy of neurobiology over physics."

"It's bad," Penny said succinctly. "Honey, if you're uncomfortable with this arrangement, you have to tell Sheldon about it. This isn't about Heisenberg against the hippocampus; it's about your relationship with him."

"Nice references," Bernadette applauded.

Penny grinned. It seems that the smart talk had, despite Sheldon's misgivings, rubbed off on her. "Thanks!"

"I feel uncomfortable discussing my emotions with Sheldon. It is a relationship, after all, not a talk show appearance by Oprah and Maya Angelou," Amy countered. "Besides, the wording of the relationship agreement allows very little room for emotions."

"You mean that coitus contract of yours doesn't allow you to tell Sheldon how you feel?" Bernadette frowned. "Amy, that's just … unhealthy."

Amy shrugged. "Be that as it may, I cannot transgress against the spirit or the letter of our agreement. Which is why I hoped Penny would discuss it with him."

"Why me?" Penny asked.

"Well, section 45 subsection c paragraph i allows for dispute resolution procedures," Amy said. "And you are appointed as our mediator."

"Again, I say, why me?"

"Your unparalleled street smarts, your outstanding social skills and your ability to look sexy even in a dowdy pantsuit," Amy explained. "So will you do it? For your bestie?"

Penny sighed. "Sure."

"Thank you."

"And in return, you can tell me why you kept your sister a secret."

"Oh, look at the time," Amy said, getting to her feet. "I need to be up early in the morning. Good night, bestie. Good night, Bernadette."

Penny sighed as Amy left hurriedly. "Ever had that feeling that your family isn't as screwed up as you thought they were?"

"Only around Howard."