Chapter Three: The Rapid Responsibility Reallocation

Penny braced herself as she walked into the laundry room and not for the usual reasons. It was, at best, difficult to talk with Sheldon - when the subject matter involved four-letter-words like emotion and feeling, it would turn into a veritable verbal minefield that she had little interest or inclination for. But I told Amy I would and let's face it, he's much less Sheldon-y when she's around.

"Sheldon, can I talk to you?"

Sheldon looked at her blankly as he folded a T-shirt. "You've proved yourself capable of doing so in the past, sometimes with good result."

"I mean, we need to talk," Penny sighed.

"No, we don't," Sheldon argued. "We need to eat, sleep, inhale oxygen and exhale carbon monoxide. Talking is just an unfortunate byproduct of man's inner pack animal."

Penny resisted the urge to pour the fabric softener onto his head. "Amy asked me to talk with you about your decision to take on Katie as a doctoral candidate."

"Well, why didn't you just say so?" Sheldon asked. "There's nothing to discuss. You have no legal standing in terms of our relationship agreement. That mediator clause was just a bid to make Amy happy."

"Maybe not, but I do know where you keep your comics and I will put them in unalphabetical order if you don't shut up and listen," Penny snapped.

Sheldon peered at her suspiciously. "It's not the twenty-third yet; you shouldn't be behaving so hormonally."

"Irritation is not a hormone, Sheldon, it's just an unfortunate byproduct of trying to talk to you!"

"Be that as it may, I recommend you make an appointment with your gynecologist on Monday. Your irrational anger and fluctuating emotions suggests that your endocrinal system might need some fine-tuning."

Penny gritted her teeth and thought of Amy. Amy, who had never had a never had a boyfriend before and who would be devastated if the relationship with Sheldon resulted in nothing more than sweet memories and bitter regrets. "Sheldon, you can't take Katie as a doctoral candidate."

"I must say, Penny, that these dictatorial tendencies of yours are most unbecoming. You may have Leonard by the proverbial balls, but that gives you little leeway with me," Sheldon warned. "I will not be told what I can and cannot do."

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"Leonard, if you ever want to have the possibility of seeing me naked again, you have to talk to Sheldon," Penny said as she burst into the guys' apartment.

Leonard nearly choked on his chicken. "You mean there is currently the possibility that I'll see you naked again?"

Penny's eyes narrowed dangerously.

"I mean," Leonard coughed, "what happened?"

"I tried to talk to Sheldon about not taking Katie as a doctoral candidate, because he is upsetting Amy," Penny sighed as she flopped on the couch on Sheldon's cushion, taking advantage of his absence to indulge a little spite.

Raj whispered urgently in Howard's ear, who nodded. "I'm also wondering why she'd think it would go well."

Penny punched Howard's shoulder and he yelped. "Listen, Leonard, I had to leave the conversation when Sheldon suggested I have PMS."

"I wonder why he'd say such a crazy thing," Howard muttered, rubbing his arm.

Penny shot him a look. "Anyway, Leonard, you're his roommate. You must have some pull with him. Try and convince him that his girlfriend's happiness is important for his own happiness."

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"I hardly agree," Sheldon said, folding his Flash T-shirt precisely. "Amy and I are separate beings, not emotionally stunted Siamese twins. Why would her happiness influence my happiness?"

"Well," Leonard began, fighting the urge to splash extra fabric softener onto Sheldon's next load of laundry, "my experience with Penny has shown that …"

"Your experience with Penny has shown nothing but your questionable taste in female companionship and your willingness to roll over and show your belly to any dominant male like a very nervous puppy," Sheldon interjected.

"Penny is your friend," Leonard objected, "don't say she's questionable female companionship."

"I like Penny," Sheldon admitted. "I reserve the right to dislike her limited vocabulary, her off-key whistling, her habit of using pumice stones and similar bath products outside of a designated hygiene area, her habit of making up her own words to country songs where she forgets the lyrics, her habit of poaching my mother whenever she comes to visit …"

"How do you know Penny makes up the words to country songs? Are you a secret Taylor Swift fan?"

"Hardly," Sheldon sighed. "But even country songs cannot be that inane."

Leonard shook his head to dislodge the image of Sheldon signing 'You Belong With Me' in the shower. "Listen, Amy is your girlfriend and as such, her emotional state is bound to influence yours."

"How would you know? You haven't kept a girlfriend long enough to quantify that statement," Sheldon argued. "If anyone knows anything about making a woman happy, it would be Howard."

"Howard?" Leonard repeated, dumbfounded. He knew Sheldon was a bit of a monkey wrench when it came to socialization, but to mistake Howard and his dickey for a Casanova …

"Absolutely. If marriage is the final goal of dating, and the mainstream media suggests that it is, then Howard is winning by a landslide. Despite his appalling fashion choices and illicit Internet trysts with World of Warcraft trolls, he's the one that has had the most romantic success of all of us."

"That is possibly the most depressing thing I've ever heard," Leonard mused.

"That's because you don't keep a diary," Sheldon retorted, then cocked a finger at Leonard's expression. "Bazinga."

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"Howard, you talk to him."

"What? Why?"

"Because he's convinced you're some sort of Casanova."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I wouldn't be so happy about it. He also called you a cheater with bad taste in clothes."

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"Sheldon, Leonard tells me that the greatest mind in physics needs some advice from the greatest mind in biology, if you catch my drift."

"I wouldn't mind a conversation with Charles Darwin, but Ouija boards tend to freak me out."

"What about an expert in sexuality, then?"

"I'm not a fan of Doctor Laura. I don't want her to tell me to get in touch with my inner self. That's what caused all those difficulties in Stockholm when I was twelve."

Howard gave Sheldon a look, which was completely lost on the greatest mind in physics. "I'm here to talk to you about having a successful relationship with Amy. And Katie as a doctoral candidate is not part of that relationship. Only some girls like a third person in the relationship and even they don't tend to want their sisters."

"I have re-evaluated my hypothesis since Leonard left. It seems to me that, given your relationship history since and after you met Bernadette, your success in matters of the heart can be more accurately ascribed to Bernadette's presence. If anybody has anything helpful to say, I bet it's Bernadette." Sheldon shot him a bemused look. "And Leonard believed that I would ever take advice on anything from an engineer."

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"Bernadette, you have to go talk to Sheldon about Katie and Amy."

"No."

"Fair enough."

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Penny looked miserably at her shoes. She had tried to talk to Sheldon. So did Leonard and Howard. Bernadette refused. So did Raj. The five of them were grouped in the guys' apartment, trying to figure out a way out of the mess Sheldon had brought upon himself.

"If we don't convince Sheldon not to take Katie as a doctoral candidate, then Amy is going to be unhappy," Penny sighed.

"You mean unhappier than she'll be in a relationship with Sheldon?" Howard muttered.

Penny shot him a look. "Amy had a difficult childhood. She's never had a circle of friends or a boyfriend or any of the staples of an American childhood."

"Most of us had difficult childhoods," Howard pointed out. "We all had the bullying and the loneliness and the teasing."

"So you should be more sympathetic," Penny argued.

"Wait," Leonard said, staving off an argument with a sudden flash of brilliance. "There's always been one person who could talk sense into Sheldon."

Penny smacked her forehead. "I can't believe I didn't think of it sooner!"

"Given your community college education and Nebraskan upbringing, I believe that there's a lot of things you wouldn't think of," Sheldon said, bringing his laundry into the apartment. "I'm going to pack away my laundry and when I come back, you'd better not be in my spot."

"I can suggest a few places for you to put your laundry," Penny snapped.

"No need. I have a diagram," Sheldon replied.

Leonard took out his phone and began dialing the Sheldon Hotline. "Hi, Missus Cooper!" he said brightly. "We have a little problem here … no, not uranium … or iridium … no, it's worse … "

"Of course!" Howard said. "Calling in the mothership. Always a good Plan B."

"With Sheldon, it's usually the only plan," Penny agreed.