Author's Notes: The last chapter began and ended with the same word. It wasn't something I had set out to do and I didn't even realize it until I was checking back over it. I thought it made a good touch and left it that way. I probably couldn't do it again if I tried. I'm glad people are enjoying the story and I hope you continue to do so, even if things look bad for our favorite couple for now. Thanks for reading and taking the time to review. It means a lot to me.
Disclaimer: CBS, Anthony E. Zuiker, Carol Mendelsohn, and Ann Donahue own all rights to the characters and premise of the show. I am making no money off this story and it is for entertainment purposes only. However, this particular story is my creation and should not be used without my express written permission.
Attack
Chapter 4
Danny wasn't sure how long he lay there with his eyes shut tight against the truth, listening to Lindsay's comforting dulcet tones and feeling her fingers lightly running through his hair. He couldn't deny the effect she was having on him; he could literally feel the stress that had him wound so tightly slowly ebbing away with each second. He needed her near him, needed to know that somehow despite what logic would suggest, she wasn't repulsed by him and his actions. At the same time, however, he didn't want her there. He didn't deserve her forgiveness or her kindness. She should be so far away from him that he couldn't hurt her again if he had tried.
"Why are you here?" He finally worked up the nerve to ask. He forced himself to open his eyes and look at her. It was cowardly not facing what he'd done; having her bruises slap him in the face with their harshness against her pale skin. She simply smiled wanly at him.
"I was worried about you. Wanted to make sure you were okay."
He shook his head in disbelief. "Wanted to make sure I was okay? Shit, Montana, have you looked in a mirror? I should be the one checking on you. Your face, your beautiful perfect face; I'm responsible for that. And the brace on your wrist? Just how bad are you hurt? Don't give me that 'I'll be okay' crap. Give me the honest truth."
"Mostly bruises really. A hairline fracture to the cheek, lower arm, and three ribs. Honestly I've probably been hurt worse being thrown from my horse as a little girl."
He flexed his fingers, wanting to reach up and tenderly touch the bandage that covered her cheek. The whole right side of her face was bruised and swollen and it was all his fault. The fact that he so wanted to touch her and reassure himself that she was actually there and okay made him glad for the very first time since he'd woken up in the ER that he was strapped to the stretcher. He didn't trust himself to touch her; afraid that something might happen that would once more make him lose control so completely. "Looks painful. Did they give you something for pain?"
Lindsay nodded. "A couple of different times." The truth was the pain was still pretty unbearable. If Dr. Terry offered her another shot for pain, she'd accept it in a heartbeat. She didn't voice that out loud, however. Danny didn't need any more guilt piled on him. Her left hand that had been caressing his hairline stopped and traveled lower to touch his wrist around the straps. She could tell that despite the fact that the restraints were what were considered soft restraints, he'd managed to bruise his wrists almost as severely as she had been. She winced, wanting to undo the straps to make him more comfortable. She glanced back toward the door, contemplating how quickly she'd be caught if she did. Dr. Peterson who was just unobtrusively observing them from the doorway shook his head quietly as if he knew what she was thinking.
"Why are you here?" He asked again. Lindsay looked at him sharply. Was his memory affected that much that he'd forgotten he already asked that question? Could that help explain what had happened at the diner?
"Danny, I just told you-"
"No, I know. But why are you really here? I should be the last person you want to see. If I weren't strapped to this bed, I wouldn't want to be in my company. I'm sure Flack's only been in here because he had to. He was probably glad to get out of here and away from me."
Lindsay would have rolled her eyes if her right eye hadn't been so swollen. "Yeah, that's why I practically had to beg him to give us a moment or two alone. Danny, don't beat yourself up over this. No one who knows you believes you did this on purpose. I'm here because you're my friend and I want you to know I don't blame you."
"Beat myself up, right. Cause we both know I've already done a bang up job of beating you up, right. Shit, Montana."
A nurse stepped into the room just as he was saying this and crossed to where Lindsay was sitting on the stool. Neither CSI missed the look of contempt she shot toward Danny before addressing Lindsay. "Detective Monroe, Dr. Terry is going to release you as soon as Detective Taylor returns but he wants you to get a couple more painkillers before you leave. I'll give you one now and then the other right before you leave. Would you like to go back to your cubicle to lie down until he arrives? Dr. Peterson said you would probably want to stay here but I don't want to reassign your cubicle to someone else if you want to return to it."
Lindsay smiled for her. "I'm fine here. Thank you. I won't protest taking something for pain though."
The nurse gave her the shot and left the curtained area muttering under her breath. Danny shook his head, the only part of his body that would move relatively freely. "That's the reaction I deserve from everyone. The hospital knows the score at least. They think I'm crazy."
"No one thinks you are crazy, Danny." Lindsay assured him.
He practically snorted. "Right, that's why they have Dr. Headshrinker evaluating me for a padded cell upstairs."
Lindsay realized then that no one had probably explained to Danny exactly what was going on. "Danny, the psych hold was Mac's idea…"
"Great, he thinks I'm crazy too. I can probably kiss my job goodbye; not that I deserve it anyway. How many times can a guy mess up and still expect to escaped unscathed?"
"Danny!" Lindsay's tone was slightly sharp and Danny turned to stare at her dejectedly. She apologized for her tone before continuing. "Mac is trying to protect your job. Sinclair has already put out an arrest warrant for you in this. Mac hoped that by coming up with an excuse to keep you here as long as he can, it'll give the rest of the team to work out what happened so you won't go to jail. It really is going to be okay."
"Montana, what happened is that for some reason I beat the living shit out of you and whatever happens because of that is what I deserve. You don't have to keep trying to make me feel better."
"I can't do anything if you aren't willing to hear it." Lindsay warned, her words starting to slur slightly. Danny looked at her in concern, noticing she looked like she was about to keel over any moment.
"You okay there Montana? You fall off that stool, I'm a little helpless to help you back up."
She nodded, swaying just slightly on the stool. "Yeah, I think it's the painkiller. It makes me groggy but then I can't sleep. The others didn't hit me this fast though."
"How many have you had?" Danny didn't think he'd ever seen a painkiller take affect so fast and he wondered if it had to do with how much she'd been given or that she wasn't lying down this time.
"That's the third one. The idea was to start light and up the dosage only if needed. I guess he felt like I needed it." She blinked her good eye tiredly.
"Shit, that's enough to knock me flat and I'm much bigger than you are." Danny looked toward the cubicle entrance for help but Dr. Peterson didn't seem to be paying them any attention. "You should probably lie down before you fall down. Seriously you look like you could fall out any second."
"Just gave my bed up." Lindsay argued, and it was clear that she was already half asleep. Danny frowned.
"I'd give you mine but I'm a little attached to it at the moment." Danny was just about to raise his voice to get Dr. Peterson's attention. He really was worried that she was going to fall off the stool if he waited any longer. To his surprise she stood and gingerly eased onto the stretcher with him.
"Scoot over just a little then." She laid down on her left side, her uninjured shoulder burrowing just under his armpit. Her head rested just on his chest. Danny protested but she waved off his concerns, tapping his stomach lightly with her braced arm. "Not like we haven't dozed off together watching a movie or something. What's the big deal?"
The big deal? Was she freakin' serious? Sure there had been more times than he could count when they'd spent the evening at each other's apartments to watch a game or a movie and had fallen asleep in each other's arms only to awaken several hours later so the one who was a visitor could return to their own home. The big deal was that those times had been when things were simpler between them. Back when they were just good friends without the pressure to be anything more even if the hope of more was lurking in the background. Back before he'd tried to make things more between them only to be rejected. Back before he'd ruined any chance he might ever have for something more by inflicting these vicious wounds on her. She shouldn't be able to stand being in the same room with him, let alone curled up comfortably against him. But there she was already snoring softly as the painkiller lulled her into what he hoped was at least a painless, deep sleep.
With his hands secured tightly to the sides of the bed, he couldn't wrap his arms around her the way he would have if they had been on one of their couches watching a movie. His mind kept screaming at him that this was completely wrong but his body couldn't deny how right it felt. He was still cursing his body for enjoying the feel of her body snuggled against him when his own exhaustion lulled him to sleep as well.
- CSI: NY - CSI: NY - CSI: NY -
With Lindsay's gym bag slung over his shoulder, Mac strode purposefully into the emergency department. He made his way to the cubicle where he'd left Lindsay earlier but was surprised to see someone else lying in the stretcher. He frowned and looked for a nurse.
"Where's Detective Monroe?"
The nurse's frown was even more severe than his own. "The last place she should be. I don't know what Dr. Peterson was thinking. I know he's got all that fancy training and all but it doesn't make sense putting a victim together with her attacker so soon after the attack. Especially someone like her."
Mac shook his head confused. "What do you mean?"
"Dr. Peterson wheeled her down to Detective Messer's cubicle. She's in there with him right now like nothing even happened. She shouldn't even have to be in the same hospital with the man who hurt her let alone in the same room with him. It's just like asking for him to hurt her again. I just don't know what he was thinking."
Inwardly, Mac swore. He'd told Lindsay to stay put and follow doctor's orders when he left. He was pretty sure he'd even threatened a long run of dumpster diving if she didn't. How had she talked Dr. Peterson into letting her see Danny? It wasn't that Mac wanted to keep the two apart, he just questioned the wisdom of them seeing each other. Danny had been so upset earlier that Mac couldn't imagine seeing the effects his fists had on Lindsay's face would do anything to calm him down.
"Detective Taylor?" The nurse continued, handing him a brochure. "Will you give that to Detective Monroe? The hospital sponsors a really good support group for victims of domestic abuse."
Again the idea of Lindsay being a victim of any sort would have seemed almost laughable to Mac in any other circumstance. "We're pretty sure this was an isolated incident but thank you. I'll give Lindsay the brochure just in case she's interested."
The nurse pursed her lips, a hand on hip. "With all due respect, sir. When someone comes in beaten that severely with no defense wounds, it's not an isolated incident. It's a sign of someone who has given up hope. That can be a dangerous place for a woman to be. Usually the next time a woman in that position comes through the ER, they leave in a body bag. I'd hate to see that happen to Detective Monroe."
Hearing the nurse talk about Lindsay in such an unflattering way on top of everything else that had happened during the day was almost enough to send Mac in a verbal tirade. He held his tongue, however, realizing the nurse was coming from a place of caring and wasn't meaning to attack Lindsay's character. They probably treated injuries similar to Lindsay's on a daily basis if not hourly. It wasn't hard to believe that some of the nurses as well as the doctors were jaded or at least resigned to the reality of the situation. "Her friends and I will make sure that it doesn't. Can you tell me where Dr. Terry is? I need to find out about some tests he ran."
The nurse nodded; her expression saying she wasn't sure she believed his sincerity. "He's in the attendee's office looking at some paperwork. Would you like for me to have the desk clerk call him for you?"
"Thank you. I'll be in Detective Messer's cubicle." After she walked away, Mac made his way down the hall toward the other cubicle. At least if Lindsay was with Danny, Flack was in the room with them to make sure everything was okay. Or so he thought until he looked up to see Flack and Angell sitting in chairs outside the cubicle with Dr. Peterson. His eyes narrowed as he approached the detectives. Flack immediately raised his hands in mock surrender.
"Not my idea. I didn't like it and more importantly I knew you wouldn't like it but Lindsay insisted and the good doctor here backed up her up all the way." Flack insisted before Mac could say anything.
Flack cringed as he heard Mac mutter something under his breath that sounded suspiciously like 'dumpsters for at least a year." He didn't think he was the target of the implied threat; he was reasonably sure the head of the crime lab couldn't force him to go dumpster diving at a crime scene. However, he wasn't going to bet money against it. Mac set the gym bag down on the ground, set to go into the room and check on his detectives for himself. Dr. Peterson caught his arm lightly.
"Don't be mad at Detective Flack. For that matter, don't blame Detective Monroe either. It was my idea to let her see Detective Messer. I needed to ascertain how he would react to seeing her; it was imperative to see whether he truly is a danger to himself or others."
Mac shook his head. He had trusted Dr. Terry's judgment in selecting Dr. Peterson to evaluate Danny but now he wasn't so sure. "And that was worth risking his and Lindsay's emotional well being? Did you discover what you needed to know?"
He thought he knew Danny very well. He wouldn't have tempered the statement by including the word thought at all if the events of the day hadn't happened. But still, he knew him enough to know that he could be his own worst enemy. Nobody would vilify his actions as horribly as he would himself. He could only imagine the emotional scene it had been when Danny had seen Lindsay's wounds first hand. Remembering the violent reaction Danny had had just from being restrained and hearing about what had happened, Mac could only figure that reaction had to have been tamed compared to the one he'd had at seeing Lindsay. How would Lindsay have handled seeing him so out of control so soon after experiencing it painfully first hand?
"Take a look." Dr. Peterson stepped to one side so that Mac could see into the cubicle. Any other time, the image of the two CSI's asleep in each other's arms would have brought a smile to his lips. He might be one some would consider hardnosed but he truly cared about all of his people. He'd been silently pulling for the two to get together. They balanced each other so well that despite the fact that interdepartmental romances were frowned on, he didn't think it would be a problem with these two. In this moment however, the image caused his stomach to twist into knots. Without the straps on Danny's wrists or the bruises standing out so starkly on Lindsay's face, this would be just a sweet innocent moment. But the straps were there and the bruises couldn't be denied. This wasn't a sweet innocent moment and he couldn't help but fear the cost it would have on both Danny and Lindsay in the long run.
Almost as if he could sense Mac's disapproval, the psychiatrist nodded toward the heart monitor. "Look at Detective Messer's vitals."
Mac didn't want to; didn't want to see the danger the younger man's emotions were putting him in. But at the doctor's bidding, his eyes traveled up to the monitor and widened in surprised. He looked back at the doctor and then at Flack and Jess. "His blood pressure is normal. How? Did Dr. Terry give him more of the sedative?"
Flack shook his head. He'd been just as surprised by the change in Danny as Mac was. "It started coming down all on its own just about the same time Monroe came in. I was there, Mac; he was upset but at the same time she was calming him down." It beat all he'd ever seen, but despite what his training and experience had taught him about cases like this, they seemed to be comforting each other.
Dr. Peterson gave the sleeping couple one last glance. "I'm going to arrange for a room for Detective Messer. Once he is awake, I'll have him transferred. Detective Taylor, can I have a word with you in private?"
Mac wanted to have more than just a word with the man but nodded. The look he gave Flack spoke volumes. Don't take your eyes off either one of them. Flack nodded to let him know the message was received loud and clear.
Jess shook her head. "He realizes he's more than a little scary at times, doesn't he?"
Flack nodded once again. "I think he counts on it. What do you think; did I mess up by leaving the two of them alone together? My better judgment said I shouldn't have but I couldn't look at her injured face and tell her no."
He looked so tortured, Jess reached over and gave his arm a reassuring squeeze. "Don, look at them. It might not have been the most orthodox move but you can't deny that they both look peaceful. You didn't mess up."
Flashing her a grateful smile, Flack ducked his head a little. "I'm glad you came by. I think I needed a friendly face."
"Once Danny is transferred and you can leave, how would you like to grab a bite to eat with this friendly face? My treat."
The tips of Flack's ears turned pink, but his smile switched to a playful smirk. "In that case, I could go for a good Porterhouse steak or two."
Meanwhile, Mac followed Dr. Peterson to the break room. The doctor poured them both a cup of coffee before joining Mac at the table. "Despite what happened today, I don't believe Detective Messer is a threat to anyone. He didn't exhibit any signs of aggression against Detective Monroe. I don't know what caused him to snap at the diner but I don't believe he's a current threat to others."
While Mac was glad to hear the doctor's professional opinion, he was a little surprised. "But you are ordering the psych hold. Why?"
The psychiatrist sighed. "I don't think he's a threat to anyone else but I am worried he could be a threat to himself."
Mac shook his head. "Danny wouldn't harm himself."
Peterson raised an eyebrow. "I have a feeling this morning you would have said he wasn't capable of hurting his partner and yet here we are. I'm not suggesting that I think Detective Messer is suicidal; nothing that extreme. But yes, I do think in his current state of mind that he is capable of hurting himself. It's pretty clear to me and to him that Detective Monroe isn't blaming him for what happened. While that may on the surface appear to be a good thing, it only adds to his guilt and trust me when I tell you his guilt is enormous. Since she is not blaming him, he's only going to feel a greater need to blame himself. From what I've seen, I think he's waiting to be punished even if it means punishing himself. I don't know how receptive he's going to be but I'd like to help him work through that guilt in a healthy way and barring that at least keep him safe until he works through it himself."
Mac toyed with the Styrofoam cup in front of him. He didn't like what he was hearing but he couldn't really deny anything Peterson had said. How many times had Danny showed that he was harder on himself when trouble occurred than anyone else could ever think of being. "I'm hoping we get answers soon as to why Danny attacked Lindsay today. It's my hope that if he knows it wasn't his fault, he'll find it easier to forgive himself."
Dr. Peterson shook his head. "I wouldn't count on it. Guilt like what I'm sensing he's feeling isn't rational and rational explanations won't counter it. But we can get him to deal with the guilt and move past it. I'll let you know when I have a room ready for him. I would like for you to do something for me, though."
Mac nodded, almost holding his breath waiting for the other shoe to drop. Dr. Peterson looked grim. "Try to convince Detective Monroe to talk to a professional as well. I got a sense that she wasn't too taken with me but I could recommend others. At first appearance, she looks like she's handling everything fine but there is no way a person walks away from an attack like that unscathed emotionally. She may think she doesn't blame Detective Messer and she may think she's okay with what happened but sooner or later it's all going to come crashing down on her. I'm sure you and her other friends will be there for her when it happens but I'm worried that she's so protective of Detective Messer and concerned about him, that she'll be too worried to let any of you see that side of her. If she does, she's going to worry that she'll make things worse for him. A stranger - a professional - can give her that outlet without that risk."
Remembering Sinclair's ultimatum to sanction Lindsay, Mac wondered if ordering her to talk to a counselor would suffice as fulfilling Sinclair's demand. He had a feeling that she'd fight him tooth and nail; she wasn't the type to discuss her feelings openly with anyone. She was just too private and independent to be comfortable with that. Whether she liked it or not, Mac would have to make decisions about what was best for her. Hopefully while she was staying with him, he could convince her of the wisdom of it. "I'll do what I can."
Even as the psychiatrist left the break room, Mac continued to sit there contemplating everything he'd been told. Dr. Terry joined him a moment later holding a print out. Mac nodded toward it. "That the tox report?"
Dr. Terry nodded. "Lindsay's report came back clean. Nothing even so mild as a Tylenol showed up on hers."
Mac wasn't really surprised. He'd almost hoped for something to explain the lack of defensive wounds but he'd resigned himself to the fact that her reactions probably hadn't been drug induced. "And Danny?"
"I'm pretty sure it wasn't the outcome you were hoping for but I did find a cause for his behavior." He handed the report to Mac. The head of the crime lab scanned the report and cursed. It certainly wasn't what he was hoping for. Dr. Terry gave him a moment. "I doubled checked everything. It's accurate. Has there been anything that would have made you suspicious before now?"
Mac shook his head. "We do random drug screenings but I can't remember the last time Danny's name came up for a drug test. I can't believe he would do this. There's gotta be another explanation. These levels-" He trailed off unable to complete his question.
"I'd say based on the levels in his bloodstream and the severity of today's attack, he's either been heavily using for about three weeks or at a lower dosage for a longer period of time, maybe even a few months. Fortunately, the effects are reversible and I believe we caught it before it did irreparable damage. I can coordinate with Dr. Peterson about handing the effects of withdrawal. We will keep this as quiet as we can; no sense making things worse for Danny than we have to. You can chose who you tell outside of the hospital staff."
"Thanks. As much as I would like to pretend this information hadn't come out; I can't do that. But I do want to be careful about this until we know for sure if Danny was even aware of what he was taking."
"As far as hospital personnel, it'll be need-to-know only. I'll get Lindsay's discharge papers ready. Don't be surprised if she seems a little out of it and sleepy the rest of the night. I've got her pretty well dosed on painkillers but to be honest, it's not really going to do much for the pain. At most it's going to keep her pretty well knocked out so she's not aware of the pain. I wish I could do more but it's just going to take time for her to heal. If there's anything I can do for either Danny or Lindsay, let me know."
Mac thanked him again and followed him out of the break room, folding the printout and putting it in his pocket. He rejoined Flack and Angell, still reeling from the news. He sighed; he wasn't ready to tell Flack what they had discovered but he did have a job for the dark-haired detective. One he wouldn't trust to just anybody. Before he could ask though, he glanced into the cubicle and saw that Danny was awake and looking uncomfortable. He stepped over to the bed, keeping his voice low so as not to wake Lindsay.
"What's wrong?" He wasn't sure what he expected but it wasn't Danny's answer.
"I gotta take a leak like nobody's business. Got any ideas how I'm going to manage that while strapped to this freakin' bed? Forget those plastic pee jars the hospital has. I can't even manage one of those alone with my hands strapped and I ain't about to have you or anyone else help me with it. Not that I'd resort to one with Montana lying here beside me like this anyway."
Mac considered him carefully. "You think you can ease out of that bed without disturbing Lindsay if I unstrap you?" Danny nodded, glumly. "Okay, but I swear to you if you do anything to make me regret cutting you loose, it'll be nothing to the regret I put on you. Understood?"
Again, the only answer was a slight nod. Mac deftly unfastened the straps and watched as Danny eased out of the bed without waking Lindsay. She whimpered slightly at the loss of contact but didn't wake up. Mac noticed that the younger man, however, was having difficulty even looking at the young woman that obviously meant so much to him. He chalked it up to the guilt he knew Danny was feeling over what happened. He couldn't help but fear what the news of what had caused Danny's attack would do Lindsay when she found out. It was not a conversation Mac was looking forward to. He insisted on escorting Danny down the hall to the restroom and surprisingly Danny didn't protest. He did allow Danny the privacy of using the bathroom alone after checking the interior for any dangers.
Once Danny emerged, Mac led him into the break room and had the young man sit down. He needed answers and wanted to get them in relative privacy. "Tell me honestly, Danny. Are you worried about the new physical fitness test coming up?" The department had announced the new requirement about two months ago and the test was coming up in a few weeks.
Danny seemed surprised by the question but shook his head. "Not really, or at least I wasn't before today. Now I'm thinking I'll be lucky enough to still have a job in order to have to take the test. Why? What does that have to do with anything?"
Mac pressed on. "What have you been doing to get ready for it?"
Danny shrugged. "Working out in the gym as much as I get the chance to. It's not like the test is something I couldn't handle anyway. More of an annoyance than a challenge, really. Montana's been more worried about than I have. Why, I don't know; she can run circles around just about everyone at the lab. Mac, what's all this talk about the test? Don't I have more important things to worry about right now?"
"Anything else?" Mac pressed on. It made him feel better that Danny seemed only confused by the questions, not evasive.
"What else is there? Seriously Mac, does the fitness test have something to do with what happened?"
"The tox screen showed drugs in your system."
The relief that immediately came over Danny's features cut Mac to the quick. It was as if for just that second, Danny could hold on to some hope that what had happened had been out of his control. That even though he would have to live with the fact that Lindsay had been hurt by his own hands, he wasn't ultimately responsible. "I was drugged? With what? Do you know when or how yet? Is that what caused me to flip out?"
Mac felt like he had a knife in his hand that he was about to stab the younger man in the back with. "Danny, it looks like you experienced a 'roid rage. Your tox screen showed high levels of anabolic steroids in your blood."
Danny jumped to his feet, knocking over a chair in the process. "No freakin' way. You gotta be kidding. How the fuck did that happen?"
Mac's eyes narrowed and he pulled the print-out out of his pocket and handed it to Danny. "You tell me, Danny. The test doesn't lie. According to this, you been taking them for months now. You better have a good explanation for this Danny. I don't know that I can protect you if you don't."