Author's Notes: Hope you enjoy this chapter. I plan on getting a new chapter up for Begin Anew up hopefully before the weekend.
Disclaimer: CBS, Anthony E. Zuiker, Carol Mendelsohn, and Ann Donahue own all rights to the characters and premise of the show. I am making no money off this story and it is for entertainment purposes only. However, this particular story is my creation and should not be used without my express written permission.
Attack
Chapter 12
The ride back to Mac's apartment was made in almost complete silence. As Mac guided the Avalanche through the normal busy late evening traffic, he kept stealing glances at the young woman sitting next to him. She was too busy staring out the window, her expression almost unreadable. He was pretty sure something had transpired in Danny's room before they had entered but he wasn't sure what. Danny had been heavily sedated but that didn't mean Lindsay hadn't had to confront her emotions over everything that had happened. He wasn't completely as convinced as Dr. Peterson that Lindsay needed to see a professional but he knew she needed to talk to someone. But after destroying her trust earlier by not telling either her or Danny what was going to happen with the drug, he wasn't sure he was the one to talk to her. Stella was a logical choice having been through a similar situation and he made a decision to call his second-in-command once Lindsay retired for the night.
Tonight, he wasn't as lucky to find a space to park in front of his building so he drove down the block to the parking garage. He found the closest space possible and pulled in. Turning off the engine, he looked once more at Lindsay who had made no move to get out of the vehicle. Mac sighed in the darkness of the vehicle. "Lindsay, I'm sorry I …"
"Stop." Lindsay's voice was quiet but demonstrated a strength he wasn't sure she actually possessed after everything that had happened. "Don't apologize again because I'm not ready to do the same. I might think you under reacted by not thinking of the affect your actions would have on Danny but I KNOW I over reacted afterward. Maybe we should just leave it alone for now."
Mac nodded, concerned to hear that she was still just concerned about Danny. It only fueled the worry he had about the lack of defensive wounds from the attack the day before. "Lindsay, I'm pretty sure even if Danny is initially upset when he finds out what I did, he'll accept it when he finds out the assault charges have been dropped. I feel worse about what pain I caused you. Without any regard to your feelings I brought you face to face with the memory of your attack. That couldn't have been easy for you and it was unconscionable on my part."
She shrugged, not wanting Mac to know the full extent of her emotional turmoil. "I'm okay."
"I'm not." He admitted frankly. She seemed determined not to show any weakness. Mac was torn between not wanting to press the subject which would only upset her further and wanting to ensure she knew he was there for her. His worry won over and he pressed on. "Lindsay, do you consider me a strong person? Not so much in a physical sense but emotionally."
The question caught her off guard but she nodded without hesitation. "Probably one of the strongest people I know."
"From the moment I saw you lying on that stretcher yesterday I haven't been okay. This has bothered me more than I can tell you and I'm only a bystander. It's not a weakness on your part to admit that this is hurting you and I don't mean just physically."
Lindsay didn't answer one way or the other but effectively terminated the conversation by opening the car door and sliding out of the Avalanche. Mac sighed once again and resisted the urge to bang his head against the steering wheel in frustration. He couldn't figure out if she was just that stubborn or if she was that much in denial. Neither answer bode well for him.
He didn't have to increase his pace to catch up with her because she wasn't walking fast. Inwardly, he cursed himself for not thinking ahead and dropping her off at the door before parking. He might not have been able to avoid parking in the garage but that didn't mean he had to force her to make the trek as well. Automatically his arm went around her waist for support. Her reaction was immediate and severe as she pulled stiffly away from him and stepped to the side. Mac hung his head assuming she was still upset with him.
Lindsay paled as she realized what she'd done. She hadn't been able to control her reaction to Mac's touch but was worried that he would question her further about it. She was glad he didn't say anything but followed a couple of paces behind. She was physically spent before they even got to the apartment building but refused to admit it to Mac. Once in the elevator she allowed herself to slump against the inner one corner of the car as it made its journey upward. Her eyes were closed but she could almost feel Mac's worried gaze boring into her. She didn't care; she was too tired to pretend to be okay. When the elevator dinged its arrival to Mac's floor, she pushed away from the wall.
Mac unlocked his door and let Lindsay enter the apartment first. "Can I get you anything? Something to drink, eat, a pain pill?"
"Pain killer would be great but I think I want a shower first. Do you mind?"
Mac shook his head and Lindsay silently made her way to the spare bedroom. As soon as the door closed behind her he reached for his cell phone and dialed the first number on speed dial. It only took two rings before it was answered. "Stella, it's me."
Once she was in the bathroom with the door locked behind her, Lindsay allowed the shaking she'd forcibly been keeping at bay to break through. Her thoughts were all in a turmoil, threatening to cause her more harm than Danny's fists had ever had a chance to. With shaky hands, she peeled over her clothes making sure not to look in the mirror. She didn't need to see her reflection or the bruises that glared back at her mockingly. The last thing she removed was the brace that covered her wrist, glad to at least momentarily relieve the constant scrapping of the bruises there.
She turned the water on as hot as she could stand it without scalding herself and stepped inside. She was glad the plastic chair was there because she was pretty sure her legs wouldn't have been able to hold her up for long.
The water cascaded over her sore muscles offering at least a little relief from the pain that had gotten close to being out of control since the pain pill she'd taken hours earlier. She was grateful for the water for a different reason though. She couldn't help but feel dirty and not the kind of dirty that easily washed off with soap and water. Even though she knew no amount of washing would scrub away the bad feelings that seemed to be crawling all over her skin, she had to try. Lathering up a wash cloth with the strawberry scented body wash she kept in her gym bag at work, she began to bathe off. Tears ran down her cheeks as she did so.
It had only been a dream. Danny hadn't attacked her in his hospital room, hadn't said those foul and hurtful words, but still the memory of the nightmare gripped her body worse than if he actually had. How could her brain had even suggested that he would ever act that way toward her? She felt like she had betrayed their friendship by even having the nightmare in the first place. She couldn't bear the fact that her subconscious would imagine such violence any more than she could accept that her body had involuntarily cringed and reacted negatively when he had suddenly lunged at her after inhaling the scented bag Mac had handed him.
Their relationship went deeper than just mere friendship even if the sudden realization that her past had come back to the forefront of her life had prevented her from seeing how far it could go. There were parts of her life that she hadn't allowed him to be privy to and she was sure there were things she didn't know about him. That aside, she whole-heartedly believed that he knew her better than anyone else did outside maybe her own family and Micah and she him. There was no doubt in her mind that he would never willingly hurt her; had the drugs not been in his system he wouldn't have attacked her. Her heart believed that and so did her mind, why was her body and subconscious supplying a different reaction?
The water washed away the soap as she reached for the bottle of body wash and once more soaped up the wash cloth for a second scrubbing. She knew she had hurt him terribly when she had stood him up for their date. She also knew that her stand-offish "it's not you, it's me" excuse had hurt him even worse but he hadn't held it against her. Instead he had offered however much of a relationship she could handle even if that was only friendship. In the weeks that had followed the date that never was, he had been both friendly and concerned. Any awkwardness had been more on her own part than any reaction of his. Therefore, his painful, filthy words from her dream would never have actually crossed his lips but they had crossed her mind on many occasions and not just since the date.
Why would he be interested in her? What did she have to offer the handsome man whose almost sarcastic grin could melt her heart and immediately lighten up the dreariest of days? She wasn't the kind of girl who turned heads, especially not heads that could attract any woman of their choice. Her experience with guys or lack of it had long convinced her of that. She wondered sometimes if her inexperience and naivety with men flashed like a beacon over her head. She believed it must because guys were either not interested in her at all or expected her to be so grateful for their attention that she would be an easy and willing conquest for their own needs and then discard like yesterday's garbage. Danny was different though and seemed to genuinely care about her and see in her something she couldn't even see in herself.
If he knew what images her mind was producing and the doubts that her body if not her mind were raising in her, would he feel the same? How could he? Any hope she might have had with him would be over before it had ever started.
The hot water was slowly turning cold as she continued to lather and rinse off only to smear the soap over her once again. Her skin that wasn't marked with bruises was turning to red under the abuse she was causing herself. Her body still felt dirty with her traitorous thoughts but continuing her cleansing onslaught would only cause more pain and she didn't want that.
She did a final rinse and turned the water off. She dried off and gingerly dressed for bed. She was hurting and knew a pain pill would at least take the worst of the edge of the pain. But taking a pill meant returning to the living room for the prescription bottle and water and she wasn't sure she had the energy to do much more than crawl into the bed and pull the covers over her. Besides, she was pretty sure the evidence of her crying would be more than obvious to the casual observer let alone a trained investigator like Mac. She didn't want to think of answers to the questions she was sure it would bring up.
As she exited the bathroom, a fresh wave of tears filled her eyes as she realized she didn't have to make the choice. Sitting on he nightstand next to the bed were the bottle of pills and a full bottle of water. Mac must have put them there while she was in the shower. She took two pills and washed them down with half the bottle of water. Then she pulled the covers to her chin. She drifted off to sleep almost immediately wishing she'd asked Mac about her cell phone.
- CSI: NY - CSI: NY - CSI: NY -
It was almost one in the morning when Danny started to stir from his drug induced sleep. It started as just a moan but it was enough to wake Flack who was dozing lightly on the mattress Dr. Peterson had arranged to have brought into the room. Flack sat up, blinking the sleep from his eyes. Danny had been completely motionless for the longest time so it was, in a way, reassuring to see him once more twisting on the bed. Still, he didn't wish bad dreams on him either.
"Danny?" Flack kept his voice low so as not to scare the still sleeping man.
Danny opened his eyes, having to look around to get his bearings. When he saw Flack in the room with him he rubbed his face wearily. "They running a two-for-one special in this hellhole or did something else happen?"
Flack smirked, glad to see Danny's humor wasn't completely gone. "What do you remember?"
Danny groaned at the feeling of déjà vu that washed over him. The only thing really different about waking up this time and what had happened in the Emergency room yesterday was that he wasn't strapped to the bed. Something had happened; he was sure of it. But what and had anyone else been hurt? "What should I remember?" He practically growled in frustration.
Flack didn't answer but instead fixed his unwavering gaze on Danny. The brain-fuzzy CSI sat up, leaning against the wall tiredly. He forced himself to think back. "Not much to remember when you're stuck in a small padded room with just a headshrinker for company."
Flack frowned. Mac had said that Danny wouldn't remember being drugged but the day before he had at least remembered going in to the diner. Did he not remember Mac and Lindsay even coming in? "That it?"
"This shit is getting old, man." Danny warned lowly. "I get you are fishing for something but you gotta see it from my side. I've got these gaps in my memory and I don't know why. Do you know why this is happening to me? Cut me some slack. Why are you here?"
Flack felt sorry for Danny; he couldn't imagine how he would feel in Danny's place, but he could imagine it was scary having blanks where memories should be. "I'm here because I promised Lindsay I would be. I promise you that I'll explain everything but I have to know what you remember first."
At the mention of Lindsay's name, Danny had a sudden flash of seeing her being in this room with him and his heart began to hammer in his chest. She had come in with Mac. He'd been both glad to see her and scared she was going to blame him. And then just like at the diner, the rest was a colossal blank. He brought his head back sharply against the wall but its soft nature kept him from hurting himself. The lower lid of his eyes were red as he looked back at Flack. "Montana and Mac came in. Once again she was with me and I don't remember what happened. Dang it, please tell me I didn't hurt her any worse than I already did."
"You didn't hurt her." Flack quickly reassured him. "Danny, Mac has had everyone at the lab working overtime to figure out what caused you to attack the way you did. Adam discovered something that could prove your innocence but Mac had to test the theory first."
Danny looked mildly reassured but not completely convinced. "I thought it was the steroids in my system that caused the reaction. And before you ask like everyone else has been asking, I swear to you I don't know how I got the steroids. Are you telling me there was something more?"
Danny had touched on one of the issues that Flack wanted to discuss with him but knew he had to finish reassuring the other man first. "Yeah, a major something more. Someone dosed you with a drug called PheromoRage."
Danny paled and cursed. Flack frowned. "You know it?"
Danny nodded. "Aiden and I caught a case a while back that dealt with S&M. Seemed freaky to me so afterward I read up on the subject a little more trying to figure out how that kind of shit turned people on. Read about it in my research. But I don't get it, Flack. Even though the drug is supposed to lower people's inhibitions and make them more aggressive, it still doesn't explain the level of injuries I caused Montana. I could have killed her. The drug isn't supposed to make people that dangerous. As twisted as I think the whole S&M world is, it's not about killing each other."
Flack shrugged; so far Danny was taking this better than he would have thought. "The steroids in your system must have made the reaction worse. I don't know. Creeps me out. I've worked this job long enough to know that this world is full of all kinds of people but what kind of sick mind thinks something like this up?"
"You said Mac had to test the theory. Is that what I don't remember about last night? He dosed me to confirm it was what happened before? Damn, that had to be a tough call for him. Tell me that Lindsay wasn't in the room any longer? Surely he wouldn't take a chance of me hurting her again."
Flack hesitated and Danny groaned. Flack then explained, giving a reassurance first and foremost. "You didn't hurt her. From what I was told, you lunged for her and said some things but both Mac and Dr. Peterson made sure nothing happened. I don't understand it, Danny. I would have figured if you'd gone for anybody in the room at the time, it would have been the doc. I know you were pretty pissed at all of his questions yesterday and I know how you feel about psychiatrists. But they said once again you zeroed in on Lindsay."
Danny knew exactly why Lindsay had been the target of his rage but it didn't look like Flack knew enough about the drug to understand or if he did he didn't understand the depths of his feelings for his beautiful partner. The pheromones in the PheromoRage targeted the rage portion of the brain but it was limited in its range; one of the reasons why it was popular. The object of rage could only be someone the person found sexually attractive. Montana would have been the only one both in the diner and the hospital room that Danny would have fixated on. No need to admit that knowledge to Flack.
"Must have been tough on Montana reliving it. Mac should have known better than to ask her to do it. Of course she was going to agree to help. I don't think she knows how NOT to put someone else's problems above her own. I'll never forget that day of the explosion. Stella and I get on scene and there's Montana bleeding from a gash on her head and she's frantically calling Mac trying to get word about the two of you. She wouldn't have gotten her wound checked at all if Stella hadn't threatened her. Told her that she either let the medics on scene clean and treat the gash or go home completely. She consented to getting it cleaned and then was right back at work."
Nobody talked much about that day, at least not to Flack. He'd been so close to death that no one wanted to remind of the explosion that had almost taken his life. He'd known that Mac and the guy that had been in the building with them had minor injuries but he'd never considered that Lindsay had been injured. She'd been outside where he'd thought she would have been safe. He'd never seen evidence of the head wound but rationalized it could have healed by the time he'd recovered enough to be aware of the steady stream of visitors. "She didn't agree to help; though you're right, she probably would have. Mac couldn't tell her what he was going to do or it might prejudice her reaction. She was pretty upset but mostly about what it would do to you."
"What does all this mean?" Danny asked.
Flack shrugged not sure what exactly Danny meant by all but decided to fill him in on what he did know. "We haven't been able to figure out how you got the steroids but we're still working on that. The good news is that the charges against you for the attack have been dropped. When you are released from here, you won't be facing a jail cell."
If he expected Danny to look relived by the news he was sorely disappointed. Instead the other man just looked miserable. "What's bugging you? I don't think it's worry about the drugs; you know the team well enough to know we're going to get it figured out as well."
"Growing up, Louie and I both got our share of Pop's belt. Most of the time well deservedly. But Dad never hit either one of us except for one time." Danny stared off into space as he related the story. "Louie was probably seventeen at the time. Arrogant teenager who didn't listen to anybody. He was already running with Tanglewood and liked to shoot off his mouth. He was always butting heads with Ma and Pop. One day it got really ugly between him and Ma. I was shocked when he hit Ma but not as shocked as I was by what happened next. Suddenly Pop came out of nowhere and punched the hell out of Louie. Dropped him where he stood. Then he looked both of us dead in the eye and I'll never forget what he had to say. Told us that Ma was a lady and should be treated as such. Told us he knew there would be times we had to fight and he could accept that but there was never a reason to hit a lady. Said if you had to beat a woman you weren't a man and you certainly wasn't a son of his. He had this look in his eye and even my immature ass knew he was serious."
Flack couldn't help but smile. "My dad had a pretty similar philosophy he instilled in me. Guess that's why you and I get along so well. Still doesn't explain what has you so bummed."
"The very thing Pop warned us not to be I became yesterday. I didn't just hit Montana I beat her to a bloody pulp. She can't even open one eye completely." Seeing that Flack was about to protest Danny shook his head. "Don't give me the out that I was drugged and didn't know what I was doing. Pop was right, there's never a reason to hit a lady. There's no recovery from this. I may not be going to jail but what does that mean in the end? I've never felt for anyone the way I feel for Montana. She's going through a hard time right now and I promised to be there for her however she needed me and what do I do? Why would she trust me after what I did to her?"
"Because she's Lindsay and that's the kind of person she is." It seemed like a copout but it was the most honest answer Flack could give him. He knew there was something stirring between the city boy and country girl but not even Flack had imagined Danny's feelings ran as deep as they apparently did. Although he knew his friend well enough to know that even if Lindsay had been a complete stranger, Danny would still feel an incredible amount of guilt. Danny's father's words from the past were weighing heavily on Danny now as they probably had when he'd first uttered them. Danny was feeling like a failure as both a man and as a Messer because he hadn't lived up to his father's standards. Reminding him that he hadn't had any choice in the matter wasn't going to change that. It was something he was going to have to work through for himself in his own time and in his own way. "Look I could sit here the rest of the night and tell you everything is going to work out but you aren't going to believe me. You're going to have to work through this on your own. I just don't think you should sell Monroe short. In the meantime, how about you help me help you figure out this steroid issue."
Danny stood up and started to pace back and forth. "What did you find out at the drug store? I can't believe either Mr. Stanley or Jimmy would switch the pills but it had to happen there."
"I talked to your old girlfriend and she said she hasn't seen you in there lately and your name isn't in the logbook. Do you remember who was working when you bought the pills last?"
Danny stopped mid-pace and looked back at Flack. "Old girlfriend? What old girlfriend? I know I've had a few but I don't know of any who work a the drug store."
"Polly. She seemed to have some fond memories of you when she wasn't flirting with me."
Danny rolled his eyes. "Fond memories? Maybe in her wettest dreams but that's it. At the risk of sounding completely insensitive here, Polly is like a dog who chases cars. She'll chase after anything that has a Y chromosome but if a halfway decent guy took the bait she wouldn't know what to do. She wasn't there the last time I went in. I try very hard not to stop in at Stanley's when I know she'll be working. There was a new guy working the last time I was there. I didn't recognize him. My name should have been in the logbook though, I saw him fill out the information."
Flack nodded. "Okay, I'll stop back into the pharmacy tomorrow, see if I can't get a list of all the employees and pictures of them. See if you can identify who sold you the tainted steroids."
Danny sank back onto the mattress tired despite the fact that he'd only just woken up. "I wouldn't blame you if you didn't want to have anything to do with me. I had to have brought this on myself for some reason, maybe I did something to deserve it. It means a lot that you are here."
"Wouldn't be anywhere else."
- CSI: NY - CSI: NY - CSI: NY -
"The charges against Messer have been dropped. He wants to know how that happened."
The blonde frowned into the phone as she tapped a long painted nail impatiently against the steering wheel of her car. "I don't know. There is no way they could have figured out the plan. It was foolproof."
"He warned you that Mac Taylor was too clever for his own good. You better not have messed this up. If Danny Messer doesn't suffer greatly then you will."
She rolled her eyes. It wasn't the first time she'd heard a similar threat. "Danny Messer is definitely suffering, police charges or not. He's locked away in the mental ward and his own teammates are doubting him. Even if by some miracle he escapes going to jail for his actions, his career is over. And he'll have to live with the fact that he hurt that mousy bitch from Montana. Tell him not to worry."
She ended the call and reached for the cell phone she'd appropriated at the diner the day before. Stealing the phone hadn't been a part of the plan but when it had skittered to her feet in the diner, it had been too good an opportunity to pass up. She'd already used it last night to call the NYPD Chief of Detectives to rat out Danny's steroid use and then today to inform several prominent defense attorneys to make them question the integrity of the lab. Danny's career would be over no matter what else happened but she wanted to make sure he suffered personally as well.
Sweet little innocent Monroe hadn't even defended herself against the vicious attack that had hurt her. The country bumpkin from Montana might be too weak to fight Danny but the woman bet that the CSI's brothers might sing a different song. She had already read the old messages in the phone and knew which brother would be the perfect one to send a little message from baby sister to.
She typed out the message she'd been composing in her head all day and sent it without a moment's hesitation. It was only a matter of time before Lindsay Monroe's whole family knew what Danny had done to the youngest member of the family. She smiled and then tossed the phone out the window of the car before driving away.