5
It was her diary that he was looking over. There was a pang of guilt from going through her personal things, but he still had to know. All he could do was stare at the picture in his hand. It was a picture of Margaret laying in the hospital bed with a baby in her arms.
"April 2," he said reading the back of the picture.
He then looked down at the page and started to read it.
April 10
I brought little Serena home today. At first I felt as if she was just going to be a burden, but after I held her I realized that I was much more attached to her then I ever thought that I would be. My father and sister were there. I told Angela over and over again that I was in no way ready for a picture, but I guess she just had to. When I first found out that I was pregnant I was scared. Nothing other then that, just scared. The only one who could help me through it wasn't there. I hated him for that. Then again, I am also at blame. Every day I tried to pick up the phone and call him, write him a letter, maybe ever just send him a picture of myself and have him figure out what was going on. That never happened. He doesn't know, and odds are are that he'll never know. Maybe it'll be better off that way.
He stared at the page. Why wouldn't she tell him? It all confused him. She can trust him, but she can't tell him about anything that was about to change her entire life.
He sat back and sighed.
"I see you found it."
Hawkeye jumped at the voice. He turned around and saw Margaret standing over him. There was no amusement to be found in her tone.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that," he said.
Margaret knew that some day he would have to find out. Figuring that this would be the easiest way, she opened the book back up.
"Go ahead. It's okay, you deserve to know why you're here," she said.
He just gave her a look of confusion. She definitely was not herself. Hesitantly, he turned and faced the book. Since he had read the first page, he turned it and found another picture. It was of Margaret holding the baby on her lap.
April 2
Serena turned one today! There weren't many people, but that's okay with me. She was just happy to get to eat cake. All it was was me, Angela, Derek, Brenda, and my father. She is the center of my life now. That's why this diary skips an entire year. I was busy with her. I was also busy with my job. I hate having to leave her with some one else. I always feel so guilty. It has also been a year. It feels like just yesterday I was trying to get ready to have her. Now she' eating solid foods, saying little words like momma and night, she can even walk. It all went by so fast, I can't believe it.
Hawkeye smiled. He was glad to hear that something in her life was a little happy. He looked over and saw another picture. It was of a little girl sitting under the Christmas tree with Margaret. The young girl was almost an exact copy of Margaret. She had everything of hers, except for her hair, which was black.
December 20
I hated it. Serena came and asked me about her father. What do I tell her? That he's just not here? That she may not ever see him? I can't tell a three year old that. She wouldn't even understand. I also don't want her to grow up thinking that her father abandoned her and to grow to hate him for it. Deep down I still love him and it would break my heart to see his own daughter hate him. I know that if he knew he would be right here right now, but I also know that he had other plans and that he wasn't ready for a baby.
He looked up at Margaret as she sat down at the table. Silent as could be. Neither of them wanted to say anything . Hawkeye wanted to find out what was going on before he spoke. There was no way that he was going to take chances and say the wrong thing. Margaret on the other hand just didn't know what to tell him. Everything was right there in front of him. Her life since she had returned home from Korea. The next picture was of the same little girl standing on top of the slide.
July 18
I can't take this. Today I walked in to see my little Serena in a hospital bed. I sat down by her and kissed her. The entire time, she just stared at me. It was then that she asked me who I was. My own daughter can't remember me. She was even a little scared of me. I stayed with her the entire time that she was there. They had to end up keeping her over night. She keeps getting upset because she can't remember anything. I will never forget it. She was crying while she looked up at me and asked me what was wrong with her.
"She had fallen off of that slide and hit her head. It took a month for her to regain any of her memory," Margaret explained.
Hawkeye turned the page and looked up at her.
"That's it," he said.
"I guess it is," she said just staring down at the book.
Hawkeye looked up and watched her with pitiful eyes as she stared. She wasn't herself. There was a distant, cold look to her eyes. There was no movement from her when he grabbed her hand. It was as if she hadn't even noticed. As if she were numb.
"Margaret?" he asked trying to get her attention.
She simply looked up at him. There was no doubt about what he was going to ask. She knew the answer. She knew all the answers to the questions that he had. She just didn't know if she was ready to tell him. Either way he would have to find out sooner or later.
"What happened next?" he asked.
Hawkeye felt her reposition her hand to grab his.
"I," she said.
It was hard for her to speak. A tear fell from her as she grabbed his hand tighter.
"You what?" he asked.
Margaret just shook her head. It was too hard for her.
"Come here," Hawkeye said.
She did as he said and went over to him. He sat her down on his lap and wrapped his arms around her middle. She rested her head in the nook of his neck. It was the first time in a while that she had felt secure.
"Please tell me," he said.
"Well, you already know about her accident on the slide," she said.
"Serena had only been home for about a month. Everything was so strange. It was like both of our lives had been turned upside down. I took as much time off of work as I could so that I could stay home with her. Well, eventually I needed to go back to work. I mean, she was better. Acting more like her old self again. The only thing that bothered me was these black outs that she would get every once in a while. They weren't happening as much as they were at first, but she was still having them. I was so nervous about her falling off of something and getting hurt that I wouldn't let her leave the room. Then I had to face that fear and go to work. The babysitter that day wasn't that good," Margaret said.
She stopped as she remembered that day. Hawkeye brought her back out of her trance as he wiped the warm tears from her face. Margaret turned her head to look up at him. Her eyes red with water rimming the them.
"I walked in. The babysitter was asleep on the couch. I went looking around for Serena," Margaret said with tears now streaming.
"I found her on the bathroom floor in a puddle of her own blood!" she yelled out.
"The covert was open so she was obviously on top of the sink! She fell and hit her head on the side of the tub! It was cracked open!" she cried out.
Hawkeye shifted her body in his arms and held her tightly.
"I called an ambulance because she was still breathing, but it was too late. She died! My three year old daughter died! I left her alone with some fucking retard and she died!" Margaret cried.
Hawkeye held her as she cried into his chest. There was nothing for him to say.
"The neighbors told me that she was a good babysitter, but I guess not," she said still sobbing into his chest.
Hawkeye sat there and tried to calm her as much as he could. Of course, there was only so much that he could do. He wasn't about to tell her that it was okay. He gently pulled her away and dried her face as well as he could.
"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked.
"You know that I would have been there," he said.
Margaret gave an attempt to dry her face off.
"Why do you think?" she asked.
"I don't know," he said.
"Look at those pictures again. Who does she remind you of?" Margaret asked.
"You," he said.
Margaret sighed and then picked up the picture of her and Serena under the Christmas tree.
"Look again. Look again at her blue eyes, her smile, that black hair," Margaret said.
Hawkeye took the picture and stared down at it for a moment.
"Now go look in the mirror," she said.
Hawkeye just stared up at her with disbelief.
I know that a lot of you probably don't care, but Central beat St. John's and that's a big deal for us. I'm just really excited about that.