7
Hawkeye sat there with Margaret until she fell asleep. The entire time he sat there and stared at the mirror. The problem was that he didn't like what was staring back at him. It was a man who had left a woman alone with his child. His only child. Worse yet, he made her feel like she couldn't tell him. Like there was no way that she could ask him for help. It was him. Along with that, he would never see his daughter. Her breathing grew calm and he decided to let her sleep. He carefully got up and replaced his leg with a pillow and the grabbed a spare blanket at the end of the bed and covered her.
Hawkeye followed Margaret as she stormed out of the mess tent.
"Margaret, what's wrong?" he asked stepping out in front of her.
"Why do you keep on trying to get into my head when there's nothing there?" she asked.
"I wish it was all that easy," he said and then walked out of the room.
He was dreading it, but he knew that it would happen sooner or later. Downstairs sat Alvin reading the newspaper. There was a tension in the air that made him nervous to even finish going down the stairs. He now knew why Alvin would have more of a reason for being upset with him. That also meant that he was going to get it. Most times he would just avoid it or he would defend himself, but now was not the time. Now was the time to suck it up and hide it for Margaret. She had been through enough, the last thing that she needed was to know that he and her father hated each other. Even though every one knew it, it would be nice just to pretend to get along.
"Hello," Alvin said.
Hawkeye paused on the staircase and stayed silent. He was getting ready to hear something, he didn't know what, but there were definitely expectations.
"You don't have to be afraid of me. I'm not going to kill you," Alvin said.
Hawkeye decided that he'd better just get down there. Alvin looked up over the paper and stared at him.
"How's she doing?" he asked/
"She's sleeping right now," Hawkeye said.
Alvin sighed and looked back down at the paper. Hawkeye just stood there in shock. He was awaiting to get yelled at, to get torn to pieces. Something other then just a simple question.
"Did you need something?" Alvin asked.
"Don't take this the wrong way sir, but I was expecting to get my head torn off," Hawkeye said.
Alvin just stared at him. There really was no expression to them, but they still intimidated Hawkeye. Warning him. Maybe even considering that very idea. There was no doubt in his mind that it had crossed Alvin's mind once or twice. Alvin hated him to begin with and now he actually had a reason.
"I think having you come out here to see what you've done to her is enough," he said.
Hawkeye had no idea how to react to that. He was guilty, but he also knew that he didn't kill any one.
"You know that's not fair," Hawkeye said.
"Yeah? What if you were with them? Margaret could have been staying home with her and you know damn well that she would have never let that happen," Alvin said.
"I didn't know," Hawkeye said.
"Maybe it's about time that you started learning the consequences of your actions," Alvin said.
Hawkeye just stared as Alvin put his paper down and headed for the kitchen. He couldn't handle this. He knew that Alvin was wrong, that it wasn't his fault, but if that was so true, then why couldn't he believe that? With his head hung low he went back up stairs. Getting to Margaret's room, he stopped at the door way and simply watched her. He didn't know why, but he felt that he had to. For some reason he had become very protective over her. Margaret got up and noticed him watching.
"Hi," she said lifting her head.
"Hi," he said sounding distant.
"I guess I fell asleep," she said sitting up.
"Yeah," Hawkeye said with his mind obviously else where.
Margaret just watched him for a second as he leaned against the frame of the door. Following his gaze, she noticed him staring at the teddy bear on the bed. Everything seemed so still. All he did was stare and it was starting to worry her.
"Hawkeye?" she asked.
He didn't respond. All he could do was stare. Alvin had definitely struck a nerve.
"Hawkeye?" Margaret asked starting to get nervous.
Hawkeye snapped out of his trance and looked up at Margaret.
"Yes?" he asked with no sign of emotion what so ever.
"Are you okay?" she asked.
No. No he wasn't. But he wasn't about to tell Margaret what happened down there. He looked up and saw Margaret sitting there with her eyes full of empathy. Would she understand how he felt right now? All he knew was that as much as he hurt at the moment, she probably felt it ten times worse. That was the only thing keeping him from loosing it.
"I'm fine," he said looking off to the side.
Margaret didn't believe him. How could this all be happening to her? She has a daughter and loves her and then she dies. Then some one comes out and is just there for her, now he's not even completely there any more.
Hawkeye walked over to the bed and sat down by Margaret. He put a loving arm around her shoulders. Much more then she had expected after seeing the way that he was staring off. With the distant look in his eyes you would think that he was cold and unfeeling. Almost numb. Margaret grabbed his hand that was resting on her shoulder and squeezed it as she leaned against him. Even with the loss of her daughter, there was something comforting with Hawkeye. He was what she needed during times like these. Just some one to be there. He was also one of the only people to truly care about her. Not like her father who needed to be proud of her for one thing. That was another thing about Serena that she loved. She never had to pretend to be something else or achieve something that she was no longer interested in to make her happy. Serena just loved her, and in many ways just wanted to be like her. For once she enjoyed being the role model, being some one that some one else looked up to. She just wished Serena had known how much that meant to her. How much she meant to her. How much more she made her life worth living. That was also the same way that Hawkeye made her feel. Like she was loved for who she was no matter what.
"You know, I would understand if you were upset about the whole situation. I should have told you the minute that I found out," Margaret said.
Hawkeye looked down. Her face was full of sorrow, her eyes full of concern. He couldn't believe that she now felt like she had to apologize. He starts to feel responsible for everything and she apologizes. Hawkeye took his hand and put some of her stray hair behind her ear. Pulling his hand back, he sat and stared at her. Wondering if this was all truly his fault. With out any warning, he threw his arms around Margaret and hugged her tightly. He wasn't sure if it was to calm his own insecurities, or if it was to apologize to her, but for what ever reason, they both sat there in each other's embrace.
"I should be the one apologizing," Hawkeye said right before pulling himself back.
"What?" Margaret asked trying to see what was really bothering him.
"About our last night together, the entire night," he said.
Margaret just watched him to see if there was anything more for him to say.
"You mean for Serena?" she asked.
"Everything," he blankly responded.
She shook her with bewilderment.
"Hawkeye, I should be thanking you for Serena. She's the best thing that ever happened to me. Besides, I was there to you know," Margaret explained.
Hawkeye looked up at her. His eyes seemed glossed over. All that kept going through his head was what Alvin had said to him. That same thing going through his head over and over again. It was like he was trying to convince himself that Alvin was actually right.
"What I meant to say was that I'm sorry for leaving you, and, and, I'm sorry for making it sound like you couldn't call me and I'm sorry that I wasn't there so that Serena could still be here," he said.
Margaret's eyes widened with complete realization when he got that last part. Now it made sense to her. She didn't like it, but it made sense.
"You can't blame yourself for her death," Margaret said.
Hawkeye just stared at her. His eyes staring to water.
"If I was there you could have taken more time off of work, until you knew that she would be okay," Hawkeye said.
She simply let out a tiny laugh.
"You can't do that. I did that same thing over and over again in my head. I could have just taken one more day off, I could have chosen another baby sitter, I could have just taken her along to work with me, I also could have moved in with Angela or my dad until she got better," Margaret sighed as she looked down.
"But as much as I hate it, what happened is what happened. She's gone now. I hate it, but she's gone," Margaret said wiping her eyes and then looked up towards Hawkeye.
"And not because either of us killed her," she said.
"That helps, but I'll still feel a little guilty," he said.
"That's okay, so will I," Margaret said.
The room was silent for a moment.
"You know, I have to get back to work in a couple of days," Margaret said.
"You think you're ready for that?" Hawkeye asked.
"I think I'm going to have to be no matter what," Margaret said.
Hawkeye looked down.
"So am I," he said.
"What do you say before we leave we go together and say goodbye to Serena," Margaret said.
Hawkeye looked up at her. The idea was kind of morbid to him, but at the same time, he knew that it would make him feel better.
"Okay," he said grabbing her hand.