25
Hawkeye came home to his father in the living room reading the news paper. Everything was too quiet for his liking. "Hey," he greeted his dad upon walking over to the chair beside him.
"Hi. How was it today?" he asked without looking up from the paper.
"Fine, nothing happened," he said sounding some what disappointed. They sat in complete silence a second before Hawkeye decided to ask his second question. "Where's Margaret at?" he asked. Daniel just pointed upstairs. "Thanks," Hawkeye said as he got up and left the room.
He got to the top of the stairs and turned the corner into the baby's room. In there he saw Margaret standing over the crib and staring down in the crib as Maria slept. "Hey Margaret," he said watching her. She looked up and smiled. "Hi," she greeted. He walked over to the crib and stood before her. "How long has she been asleep?" he asked looking down at her.
"I don't know, about an hour," Margaret said. He just looked up at her. He was starting to wonder how bad off she really was. There was no problem with watching over your baby, but it did become one what that was all you did. What was going to happen when Maria went to school? Would she follow her to school?
"Hey, uh Margaret?" he asked.
"Yes?" she asked with her attention still on Maria.
"I know this may seem like a weird question, but did you by any chance take a break from baby watching and go to the bathroom once in a while?" he asked. She stared at him for a minute. She was trying to see why he even thought about asking that question. It was ridiculous. Of course she had, she just had Daniel watch Maria for a moment, that's all.
"No, I just started wearing the diapers," she said sarcastically.
Hawkeye rolled his eyes. That was in no way what he was looking for. There was something wrong and he wanted to help. He knew that she would be protective, but she also had to learn that it was okay to go to bed every once in a while. That it was alright to leave the room for a few minutes here and there. He gently laid his hand on her shoulder to get her attention. She turned and looked up at him. "Come on," he said and then started to lead her. "I need to talk to you," he said.
"Okay," Margaret said. "Out in the hall," he said. Margaret got the same look in her eyes that she had a few days ago. The look of utter fear. "We'll be right outside the room. You can even leave the door open if you want," he said. A smile, full of defeat came across her face as she agreed to join him.
They walked out and he stood so that she could still see Maria. He examined her face. Her eyes contained both worry and regret. The only hint of happiness in her face was when she was holding Maria. It seemed as if she had to feel like she was keeping her alive by just being there. Like if she left that Maria would die. He wanted that though out of her head.
"Now, I know that you're going to be protective, and that's good," he paused to see how she was taking it so far. The last thing he wanted to do was get her mad at him to the point where she wasn't talking to him. But she didn't look upset at all. As a matter of fact, she looked interested. "But, you do realize that it has been a few days since you've come home from the hospital," he said. Margaret just nodded in agreement with him. "Well, since then, you haven't left that little baby alone. Margaret you haven't even come to bed," he said. Margaret folded her arms and looked down.
"So I'm a bad mother because I put my daughter above everything else?" she asked getting defensive. Hawkeye could see the hurt in her eyes when he had said that. There was no intention of hurting her, but it happened. That was all there was to anything any more. It just happened.
"That's not what I meant," he argued. Margaret looked up at him with insult and sighed.
"Okay then, what did you mean?" she asked.
"I meant that you have to be able to take care of yourself before you can take care of an infant," he said.
Her expression quickly softened. A sudden realization seemed to settle in her eyes. He wasn't sure of what it was, but there was a weakness in her eyes. A vulnerable state of being. It made him start to rethink what he had just said to her. To think of a new way to put it. He sighed and grabbed her shoulders. Looking her straight in the eyes and started to explain. "Margaret, you are a great mother. Apparently you care, and that's great. But, can you really stay up every night? Can you really carry her around until she's four? Can you take care of her if you let yourself get weak?" he asked. Margaret just stared. What was she supposed to say to that? Answer yes when she knew the answer was no? But if she said no she would be admitting that she was wrong. Now what? She turned her head to the side and stared. For some reason she felt as if she couldn't look any one in the eyes.
"Margaret, is something bothering you?" he asked. Margaret gave him a look that made him feel foolish for even asking that and then looked down.
"I don't think so. I can obviously get through the day," she said. She turned and started to walk into the room. Putting his arm out he blocked her from entering the room.
"Come on Margaret," he said getting more stern. "I know that you were still getting over Serena when you found out that you were pregnant. I know that you still blame yourself for her death. I understand that and I would be worried if you weren't missing her," he explained. Margaret just stared at him with tears forming in her eyes. Hawkeye looked down and gathered his thoughts. Once he was ready, or thought she was ready, he lifted his head back up and looked her straight in the eyes. "I also know that the baby dieing just destroyed you. I know that was the last thing you needed," he said.
Margaret nodded as she tried her hardest to keep the tears from falling. "How could you?" she asked with her voice getting shaky. "How could you? How could you shove that in my face? Don't you think I know that? Don't you think that some where along the line that I might have realized that? Don't you think that maybe the last thing that I needed was to be reminded of all of that? Then you tell me that I am doing my job as a mother wrong? And only after three days?" she asked with her voice getting shaky.
"I'm not shoving anything in your face. Those were my kids to damn it," he said trying not to raise his voice.
"Which gives you all the more reason just to get mad at me. To go ahead and blame for it," she said. Deep down, she really did believe that he would have an excuse to blame her. To get mad at her. She was starting to wonder why he wasn't . Hawkeye shook his head as he took his arm and put it around her.
"No. No it doesn't because I know that you didn't kill her. You didn't walk in there and shove her off the sink. You didn't make sure that she fell off the slide in the first place. I know you didn't set this up Margaret," he said. He himself was getting upset, but decided to hide it for her. "And then the baby. There is absolutely no way that that could be your fault. She would have died no matter what," he said.
There were tears streaming from her face. Everything that had happened within the past year all coming back and hitting her. All finally sinking in. Realizing that nothing was going to change it. Hawkeye pulled her close to him and hugged her. "I'm scared," she said with her voice muffled from his chest. He started rubbing her back.
"I know," he said.
Margaret then pulled herself away and dried her eyes. My whole life has been losing and one more loss," she said unable to finish her sentence.
Hawkeye pulled her back into his arms. "No, you won't loose anything else. What ever happens I'll be here. And so will Maria. I know it's hard for you to believe right now, but she will be. I know she will," he said.