The Once & Future Captain

Part 5

"Having fun?" Jim asked lightly. "Enjoying the entertainment to be offered?"

"Captain!" Chekov squeaked, shooting out of chair so fast that it tumbled over. "We were just-"

"Just breaking into my house, rifling through my things, and doing exactly nothing to carry out the mission we were assigned. Does that about cover it? Or do I need to add 'being terrible fucking friends' to the description?"

"Jim we-"

"I don't want to hear it, Spock." He looked away and shook his head. "I can't believe you all would do this. Did you even-" he stopped. "We're going back to the ship. Now."

"What about the device?" Uhura asked, standing.

"Oh, so now you're interested in completing the mission? It doesn't matter, I have it right here," Jim said, shrugging at the backpack he carried. "Mission over."

"You found it by yourself?" Bones asked. "That soon?"

"Is that so hard to believe? Or am I still a screw-up captain who has no idea what the hell he's doing?"

"Dammit Jim, you know that's-" Bones started.

But Jim wasn't having any of it. They were in his house. They had seen his video logs. They knew. Not just that he'd lived on the planet - but knew everything about his time here that he'd tried so hard to forget, to push away. And they had no right. No fucking right whatsoever. He'd kept that shit private for a reason - he would have even if all information regarding Tarsus IV hadn't been ordered to be locked-down by Starfleet.

"Get out."

"Captain-"

"Get. The fuck. Out." Jim said lowly - and he had never looked more dangerous than he did at that moment. "Now. Get out of my house."

Without a word the five of them left, tension heavy in the air. Jim looked around his old room and then turned to leave, slamming the door shut behind him. He pointedly waited until they scrambled (though they tried to make it look calm and rational) out of the front door before following them.

"Where did you find it?" Scotty braved.

"Exactly where I hid it the last time I was here," Jim answered, ignoring the subsequent dumbfounded looks - minus Spock, who had merely raised an eyebrow. "Any more questions or can we get back to the ship now?" He pulled out his communicator. "Riley?"

"Yeah, Jimmy?"

"We're meeting back at the beam-up spot. We're done."

"Right-o. I'll see you there."

He ignored them all as he led them back through the residential area. His path, however, was one he didn't think about it, which led them straight into the middle of the city. How many times had he walked this path? He could see Riley approaching from the northern entrance to the suburbs.

It was only then that he finally took notice of their surroundings. There, right in front of the government building was a tall and once-gleaming statue of the man he hated more than anyone else in all of creation. The man who had taken him under his wing, been so very kind to him, who had pushed him to give more than his absolute best. A man who in his own twisted way had loved Jimmy Kirk as a son. The man who had betrayed Jimmy Kirk and plunged his world into absolute hell.

Governor Thaddeus P. Kodos, the plaque at the bottom of the stone statue's base.

Jim could recall with perfect clarity the day the statue had been erected and dedicated - a gift from the grateful people of Tarsus IV to their esteemed and benevolent leader. He could remember how he'd gazed in near-adoration at the man, so happy, so proud of his mentor.

Jim's eyes fell to the ground, noticing several rocks around the ground, still there from the riots that had stemmed from the executions. Without even thinking about he was doing, he picked one up and heaved it at the statue.

The statue's arm broke off and Jim picked up another rock and repeated his action. Another arm. The head. The waist. A leg.

All Riley and the others could do was watch with bitter horror as Jim demolished the statue.

When he was done, when the statue was nothing more than a small hovel of broken stone, he slowly and deliberately walked over to Spock, handed him the backpack and turned on his heel and left them there in the city square alone with the remains of the statue.

"Spock," Bones said. "You-all head beam back up. I'm going after him."

"Is that entirely wise, Doctor?" Spock asked. "The Captain does not appear-"

"I can handle him," Bones insisted. "And he has every right to be pissed at us. Let me take care of it."

"We will await your arrival," Spock said. He flipped his communicator open. "Spock to Enterprise. Five to beam up."

"Awaiting your order, Sir," Lieutenant DeBussey's voice could be heard.

"Energize."

Bones found Jim outside the city, sitting a large boulder of all things. Between this boulder and the dozen or so rocks Jim had used to destroy the stone statue of Kodos, Jim appeared to have a fascination with rocks all of a sudden.

"You know," Bones said conversationally, sitting on the ground next the boulder. "I imagined that if something were ever strong enough to bring the already legendary Captain Kirk to his knees, it'd be something in his present, not his past."

Jim said nothing, didn't even acknowledge Bones's presence.

"And I suspect," he continued, "that this is where I'm supposed to tell you how brave you were and how brilliant you've turned out in spite of what's happened here. But I'm not. Because that's the thing with you, Jim. You don't believe it. And if you don't believe that you've overcome hell itself to become the finest damn captain in Starfleet, then you don't deserve it. You don't deserve the Enterprise, you don't deserve to wear those stripes on your shirt. Or hell, even a Starfleet shirt. You don't deserve anything, period."

"Fuck you, Bones," Jim said cuttingly. "I earned that ship and what goes with it!"

"Then prove it!" He snapped. "Pull your head of your ass and get over your goddamned pity party!"

Jim finally looked over at him. "I really don't like you right now."

"I really don't give a damn," Bones matched. "You're doing a fine job honoring the memory of all those who died here, some of whom died to protect you. Fine job, moping about, forever lamenting your tragic past-" He was cut off by the abrupt collision of Jim's fist with his face. Finally.

"Shut up!" Jim yelled, pulling him up by his shirt only to punch him again. "You have no idea! You have no idea what it was like!"

"Because you're so special," Bones said, goading him on.

"Forget it," Jim said heatedly. He pushed Bones down on the ground again and started to walk away.

"You didn't hate this place, Jim!" Bones called.

Jim stopped in his tracks and turned slowly to face him. "Excuse me?"

"You're excused," he said flippantly. "I said you didn't hate this place, did you? I've been by your side for over five years. I know you, Jim. If you'd hated this place, wished it would careen into the nearest sun and incinerate, you wouldn't be affected the way you've been. No, you would have accepted the mission at hand, not complained. You would have come here, faced this planet down, found the damned translator that crazy linguist made-"

"Hoshi wasn't crazy!" Jim cut in angrily. "She was brilliant!"

"Whatever. You would have found the device, said 'fuck you' to this place, and beamed right back to the Enterprise and skipped all the merry way home to Pike." He stood up, lightly brushing the dirt off of his blue shirt and off of the knees of his trousers. "But you didn't. Because when you hate something Jim, you always manage to deliver the finest 'fuck you' you can. That's what you do." He tilted his head at Jim, as if searching for the right angle to slide in a puzzle piece. "And this time you didn't. Everything about this entire mission has put you on edge and just about driven you over it."

"So?" Jim said, going to nonchalance and failing spectacularly.

"So that leads me to believe that you didn't hate this place, Jim. You loved it. You loved living here. You were probably truly happy for the first time in your entire life, weren't you?" His gaze on Jim softened and Jim wordless walked back to the boulder and sat on it wearily.

"This place was heaven," Jim said weakly. "For the first time in my life I belonged. I had parental figures that loved me. They didn't go off planet all the time or tell me that my father would be ashamed of me. They didn't yell and scream at me or call me a worthless waste of space." He closed his eyes. "They just loved me. I had the perfect home in the perfect neighborhood. We had cookouts and pool parties and I was a friend with all the kids. I actually had friends. I used to help mow grass and carry in groceries."

He looked off into the sunset. "This place was perfection and eventually Kodos came to be at the center of it, in a way. He personally approved my transfer here. He was very interested in me, he said," Jim saw the burgeoning look of horror on Bones's face. "Not like that," he said firmly. "He wasn't a pervert, for all the ways he was fucked up. He said I had the potential to do great things, that I was meant for something more."

"Like glee club…" Bones added helpfully, despite how unwise the comment was.

"You know what, Bones? Fuck you," Jim said, shooting him a nasty glare before continuing. "The education we all got here was the best I've ever had. The teachers were amazing. We didn't just learn engineering theory, Bones. We practiced it on real engines and shuttles. Every subject was like that. Even literature! When we learned about Julius Caesar, we didn't just read the play and write reports; we actually dressed in ancient Roman garb and acted out the entire thing. It was like nothing I'd ever experienced before," he said. "I was always told I was too smart for my own good back on Earth." His voice became mocking. "Why do you have to show off, Jimmy? Why can't you just keep your mouth shut and let the teacher talk? Why do you always have to cause trouble? Why can't you just sit still and pay attention?" He laughed harshly. "But here? Here it was like I couldn't be smart enough. I had to work at school for the first time in my life." He sighed.

"I loved every fucking minute of it. I always had the mind to learn all sorts of things, and this place made it a reality. There was nothing that didn't interest me. There was nothing I couldn't do."

He looked off into the sky; the sun would begin it's descent before long. "And then everything changed. The fields started failing. The trees started dying. Grass turned brown and everyone panicked. But no matter what Aunt Claire and Uncle Arthur said, no matter how many time Hoshi warned me not to put all my faith in him, I just knew that Kodos was going to save us all." Jim looked bleakly over at Bones. "He didn't. He decided to kill us instead."

"How did he-"

"Vaccinations. He said the entire colony was scheduled for vaccinations. And when the citizens of limited value were directed to the designated buildings, they were killed."

"That's so…"

"Simple, right?" Jim snorted. "The near perfect execution of half a colony brought by a stupidly simple plan. Then everyone got wind of what was happening and then those marked for death were just shot on-sight. Anyone who was in their home or in the streets were all dragged outside of the city to a mass grave. You've seen the others in the buildings?" He looked over at Bones who nodded.

"I remember those first few days of panic being the easiest. I knew who to run to and pull out of the city. I had a safe place far away from Kodos and his men. I had a crew who helped me, once they caught on. Hoshi died getting Ella to me, and it's almost like it was for nothing, since Ella died before help could arrive. Right in Percy's arms, she just-" he swallowed heavily. "She just faded away and there wasn't a damn thing I could do to help her."

"The trips into the city were the worst. I got caught three times. The first time the enforcers managed to break my arm before I could get away. The second time I was chained up and beaten for days before Riley and Jenny managed to sneak in and distract them with flares and got me out of there. The third time was hell itself. Kodos found me and actually tried to reason with me - said he'd built this empire for me and that there was nothing we couldn't accomplish together as father and son. He offered me food and safety and shelter - all I had to do to get it was turn the others in. I was so tired and so hungry but we were all in it together, I couldn't leave them.

"The entire time there was this niggling thought in the back of my head that there was something I'd missed, something I'd forgotten. And after I managed to get away from him, I finally remembered. Mom had given me the subspace code. She could have gotten into so much trouble, but I had to do something. We were dying."

"Jim-"

"The wait I can barely remember, I was so out of my mind with hunger. We all were. The younger ones, their stomachs were distended with hunger. The rest of us could barely open our eyes. Everything was dark and fuzzy when help finally came. She was an angel; she had to be. There was light all around her and she was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen in my life - I was sure I'd died, but it couldn't have been so bad, because she was there."

"Who?"

"Number One," Jim said. "I didn't know that she was more than some crazy, desperate hallucination until she came onboard with Admiral Pike. I'd been so convinced that I'd made her up."

"What happened?"

"I could hardly stand, but I had to - I had to keep them safe. I demanded to know who she was and what she wanted. She'd said that she was from Starfleet and that she and the others were there to help. Then she asked who I was. I said, 'I'm Captain James Tiberius Kirk,' and then I just remember black."

"Captain?" Bones queried. "What do you mean 'captain'?"

"We were a crew, Bones. Crews need a captain. They picked me. I didn't want to. Bones, I was fifteen. I wanted it to be Percy, since he was the oldest, but he said that he was the doctor, so what else could I do?"

"Kids taking care of kids," Bones said, shaking his head.

"We didn't have a choice." He looked over at Bones, his expression guarded. "I want to show you something. C'mon."

Sensing he was about to see something Jim considered deeply private, Bones followed quietly. Jim led him northwest of the boulders they'd been at, looking for signs that Bones would have never been able to spot. He kept a good pace, though he could tell that Jim was used to going so much faster. Bones didn't like to think about why that was.

Finally they emerged out of a once-wooded clearing right next to the large mountain that sat to the far northwest of the city. Jim motioned for him to follow and pulled out his flashlight. Jim took him deep into a small crevice in the mountainside, one that Bones would have walked right by, it was so well-hidden. Following the path Jim laid out for him, Bones found himself in a deep cavern. Taking out his own flashlight from his medical bag, he looked around.

The remnants of several fires were all around the cavern. A few light units were set up and Jim was bending to turn one on; it still worked perfectly. In the better light he could see piles of old blankets and pillows. "This is it," Jim said simply. "This is where we hid." He pointed behind him. "Further back was where Percy tended to us. I remember when he had to set my arm. And further back was a small pool of water we drank from. It was great before it went stagnant." He caught Bones's expression. "What?"

Bones shook his head. "I- I don't even know what to say."

Jim powered off the light unit and passed Bones to leave the cavern. "Come on."

Casting one last sad look around the darkened cavern (for all the good it did him), Bones turned and followed Jim. Jim led him off the side of the mountain, to a clearing with a large section of flattened dirt. "What is this?"

"A graveyard. This is where we buried those of us who didn't make it."

"Do you remember them all?" Bones asked quietly.

"Ella Stanislav, Gracie Kimmel, Ginny & Trevor Kelly, Kyle Reynolds, Connor Gregor, Steven Jacobi, Turk Sefton, Miranda Berkley, Aiden deGiorgio, Bernard Mullet, Mohinder Kasaab, Charlaine Surresh, Lynda Eddison, and David Michael Grimes," Jim said faithfully. "I've never forgotten them. I never want to forget them." He looked over at the mass grave. "This is why I didn't say no. Pike said I could refuse, but this is why no matter how much I wanted to, I didn't." Bones had never heard Jim so choked up. "I had to tell them I was sorry. I should have looked after them better. I should have…" he broke off and tried to gather himself. "They deserve better than this, but it was the best we could do."

They just stood there in silence for a spell, words not really needed between the two of them. Eventually Bones noticed the sky. It was growing darker by the minute and they needed to get back to the beam-up point.

"We should be heading back, Jim, before Spock decides to do something logical." Bones said, lightly tugging on Jim's arm.

"Yeah," Jim said, though he made no move to leave. His eyes were strangely dull and his arm went heavy in Bones's hold.

"Hey," Bones said as he put his other hand on Jim's free arm. "Hey, Jim, you need to stay with me, ya hear?"

"Yeah." Jim shook his head slightly and his eyes focused on Bones.

"You with me?" Bones asked. He was cradling Jim's face in his hands now.

"I'm right here, Bones."

"I promise you that you can crash as soon as we're back on ship but I need you to be here right now. You know the way back, I don't."

"'m just so tired, Bones." But Jim steadied himself and took Bones's arm.

"I know you are Jim." He looked down as Jim took his hand.

"C'mon," Jim said, and started walking. He stumbled a few times on the long way back, but Bones was there to steady him. "We're almost there," he mumbled.

Bones, loathe as he was to let go of Jim's hand, did so in order to wrap a supporting arm around Jim. "That's it, Jim. Just keep going."

The beam-up point was illuminated in the dark. All around the city the sensors had detected nightfall and the street lamps were slowly coming to life.

"Doctor McCoy to Enterprise. Requesting direct beam-up to Captain's quarters, medical override."

"Aye, Sir. Locking onto your signals now." Bones braced himself against Jim. He really, really hated transporters. "Locked on, Sir."

"Energize." The tingling feel of being transported - and dammit it DID feel tingly, regardless of Starfleet and modern-technology buffs insisted - overtook him. The pair of the re-materialized in Jim's quarters and surprisingly the first thing Jim did was shrug Bones off and stagger over to his comm panel.

"Kirk to Bridge. Lay in course for Gamma Outpost 4, warp 5, and engage." "Aye, Sir." Then he pressed a series of buttons. "Admiral Pike, this is Captain Kirk. The translator is located and retrieved and on it's way to the specified coordinates. Kirk out." He looked around as if trying to remember what he needed to do next. "Right. Shower."

"Dammit Jim, can't it wait until morning?" Bones asked? The kid would probably drown himself, he was so tired.

"That place makes me feel dirty, Bones," Jim mumbled. "And I hate sleeping dirty."

"You're too tired-"

"Then sit in there and make sure I don't fall asleep!" He leaned against the wall and started to pull off his boots. Then off came a pair of sweaty socks, followed by his gold tunic. He trudged into the bathroom, flinging his black under-shirt off behind him as he did so. "You coming or not?"

Bones caught the pants that came at him. "I trust you."

"Whatever." His boxers were off and Bones soon heard the spray of the shower - real, not sonic.

With a grumble, Bones gathered up all of Jim's clothes and tossed them into the refresher. Then he swore and reached in to grab the Starfleet pin off of Jim's shirt. He laid out a pair of boxers and pajama shorts for Jim on the bed and turned back the covers on Jim's bed - remembering from the Academy exactly how Jim preferred it.

In minutes a freshly clean Jim walked out with a towel wrapped around his waist. Tired as he was, he managed a smirk at Bones's raised eyebrow. "Didn't want to offend your maidenly virtue or whatever." Bones snorted. You didn't room with Jim Kirk for three years and not see him naked - it was impossible. Jim noticed the bed and the clothing laid out. "Thanks," he said awkwardly.

"D'you need water or anything?" Bones asked.

"Water is fine," Jim said, dropping the towel unceremoniously to the floor. Bones rolled his eyes and strode over to the replicator. When he came back with the water Jim was already dressed, in bed, and pulling the covers up. He reached for the glass of water, took a long drink, and then set it on the nightstand next to his bed.

"I'll see you in the morning, Jim," Bones said, starting to leave. Quicker than he would have thought, Jim's hand shot out to grab his arm.

"Stay."

"What?" Bones asked.

"Stay here tonight," Jim said. "I- I don't want to be alone. Please."

"Fine, I'll stay." Bones said, moving for the couch.

"Don't be stupid, Bones. Sleep here."

"With you?"

"What are you, twelve?"

Sighing, Bones plucked his arm from Jim's grasp and strode to the empty side of the bed. He sat down and pulled off his boots, socks, and tunic and then swung his legs up and over to lay down on top of the covers next to Jim.

With a great yawn, Jim laid back and closed his eyes. "Thanks, Bones. Goodnight."

Bones smiled and watched the even breathing of the man next to him. "Goodnight, Jim."