Chapter Fourteen

Frustration. Yes. Despair. Yes. She was searching for the right words to describe her feelings. Anger. Yeah. Oh, but she wasn't mad at him, of course not, how could she be? She just hated herself.

It was a misty morning in the Village Hidden in the Leaves. The sun had risen about three hours ago, but her rays had of yet not been able to pierce the grey, cloudy sky and warm the black-haired kunoichi standing at the memorial. The little wind there was blew through her hair and in her neck, making her shiver. She had stayed up all night in her small apartment, knowing the bed a few apartments next to hers would remain empty, this night again.

I miss his smile.

It had only been as little as two weeks ago, the last time he had smiled at her. When she had just been discharged from the hospital, somewhere about a week ago, she'd been afraid she would forget what his smile was like, and what it did to her. But now, here at the memorial, where silence reigned and memories were relived, she wanted to feel the same sunshine in her head she used to feel whenever she thought about him. Yet thinking of him now, the little sunshine she had left in her life faded away, disappearing beneath the surface of her present emotions. Thinking of him now, darkness filled her soul, for the light in her life had been cruelly snatched away. Right now, she only felt the pain and the loss. She'd lost him. She'd lost his smile.

I miss to watch him train.

All those years she had spend watching him, without him ever noticing of course, she had seen him grow. Growth not only in strength and speed, but in passion and determination as well, two aspects she had always admired about him, and had also aspired to achieve. Had it all been for nothing?
She kept thinking about the last time she'd watched him, that last time she'd seen him fight. And it had been for her. That thought should've made her feel better, but it only deepened her sorrow. That last time she'd seen him, he was fighting for her sake, because she couldn't, and he died for it. He died for her, because of her.

It was getting colder, and taking a glance at the darkening sky, Hinata knew that rain was about to come. It was a certain smell in the air that told her so. She touched the cold, hard stone one last time and walked away from the scene.

The one black eye of a certain silver-haired shinobi watched her leave. He had left the memorial just before she came, and the aura of sorrow she carried around her had reminded him of the first days after he himself had lost the ones dear to him. He had decided to stay and watch her grieve in silence from behind the bushes and trees surrounding the area. I wonder what memories are haunting her…

The business and sociability going around in the crowds wandering the Konohan streets should have helped her divert her thoughts a little, but it was idle hope. The happy chattering of the people on the streets only reminded her more of him, and a moment long, she thought she heard him laugh. She ran in the direction of where she thought she'd heard it coming from. A moment long, she thought it had all been a lie, and Naruto was alive and well. Then, the disappointment and disillusionment when she found herself standing in front of Ichiraku's.

I miss him.

'Hinata-san! What will it be today?' The shopowner asked her.
Last time I was here, it was with him… 'No thanks, not today. I…eh...I have a mission.'
'Oh, well, too bad. See you some other time then. And give Naruto my greetings when you see him again!'
She ran away.

The dark clouds had come to their maximum ability to bear the humidity in the air, and started to burst open just as Hinata closed the door behind her, panting. She let herself slip to the floor and tried to regain her breath. Maybe now was the time to get absolutely wasted.

The rain was pattering against the window as Hinata opened a bottle of sake and took a swig. She felt the liquid slide down her throat and closed her eyes. It were times like this she felt lonely. Of course Shino, Kiba, Akamaru and Kurenai had all visited her while she was in the hospital, along with several others of her friends, but none of them could neutralize the immense pain she felt inside, and luckily none of them had brought up the subject.
She sighed and looked up to watch the black heavens. The darkness of the sky was similar to the one in her soul. Because what is darkness but the absence of light?
Naruto had always been her light, her inspiration. His courage to fight had become hers, and now that he was gone, all the things he had given her, even without knowing, seemed to have vanished along with him.
She watched the empty streets below her window, washed clean by the rain, and remembered that day she had seen him walking there, on his way to Ichiraku's. That day she had decided to tell him. But how circumstances had changed, and priorities had shifted.
A flash of lighting enlightened the city, followed by a soft rolling thunder not long after.
No, he's not gone. I can still tell him. Maybe not him personally, but I can still tell the memory of him that lives on in my heart. To me, he still exists.

She put the bottle away and closed her curtains. The fatigue caused by the night without sleep fell upon her and made her head heavy. She felt the scar on her side react to her tiredness and it started to hurt a little again. But because she had just drank alcohol, she could not take her medicine right now. She would do that later. With a yawn, she headed towards her bedroom.

Tonight she would visit the memorial again.

A/N: so this was the fourteenth chapter, hope you enjoyed it (as far as that was possible). Five left to go.