Disclaimer: I do not own Sailor Moon, Harry Potter, or Metallica.
Heirs of the Founders 16
Until It Sleeps
Where do I take this pain of mine?
I run but it stays right by my side
In the absence of a new letter from Serena, Tom found it nearly impossible to get through the day. She wrote him only once a week, and depending on the owl, it was a three-day to a five day flight to Azkaban from where Serena lived. While he waited to hear from her again, he sometimes paced his cell or sit in a corner and re-read her letters. Sometimes he would feel his sanity slipping and he'd scratch at his door, just like the other prisoners.
Even when he was asleep, he was not safe from the dementors. They took away every good thought and dream. He sometimes heard voices in his head. He did not know who they belonged to. One of the voice sounded silky, with a poisonous edge. It sounded more like a snake's hiss than a person's voice. It talked about ruling the world and becoming powerful.
"They think that they can stop us," the voice said, "by putting us here. But you know the moment we leave that we will get stronger. We will get stronger, and Voldemort will exist.
We?Who exactly was we? What was the voice talking about? Could that be the voice of Voldemort? If Tom Riddle were to fully become Voldemort, would he sound like that?
So tear me open, pour me out
There's things inside that scream and shout.
And the pain still hates me
So hold me until it sleeps
Tom Riddle was losing himself. He was too young for this place. Why did they send him here? Was Azkaban the only option to set him right?
"If you listen to me," the hissing voice said. "You'll be in command of the dementors one day. They will not effect you."
"Stop," Tom murmured, raking his dirty fingers into his chin length, messy black hair. "Stop talking."
He knew he wanted to be Voldemort but he had never heard him speak. Why was he coming to him now? Tom didn't know he'd sound like this. During his sleep, when he was able to get any, he'd see Voldemort. He would see an unnaturally pale man, with red eyes and a bald head. Tom saw him draining the energy from himself, taking away his youth and attractiveness. Voldemort was a monster, and yet, Tom still wanted to become him at some level. Voldemort had power. More than he could ever imagine. Tom always lusted after power. The power to submit others to his will, to do things with magic others wouldn't even dare. Tom wanted the power to overcome death. He could not do that as Tom Riddle. He had to become Voldemort—if he gets out of Azkaban with his mind intact.
For as long as Tom could remember, he wanted to be great. He wanted to be powerful. He never knew what caused it.
Just like a curse, just like the stray
You feed it once and now it stays
Now it stays
So tear me open, but beware
There's things inside without a care
And the dirt still stains me
So wash me until I'm clean.
He felt some things inside of him, something strange. He didn't know where they came from. They were always there but he wasn't aware of it until he came to Azkaban. He felt them moving and crawling and pulling at his insides. He felt as if he were possessed by a thousand demons that were corrupting his mind. The filthiness of his cell reflected how clean his soul felt. He wanted a bath. He wanted to sit in a tub of warm water and scrub his skin for hours. He felt sticky with sweat and grime. It grips you so hold meIt stains you so hold meIt hates you so hold meIt holds you so hold meUntil it sleeps...
Tom was never someone who wanted affection, even as a baby. He hardly ever cried, just got angry. There were some girls in the orphanage that fawned over his good looks. He didn't return any of the feelings, even with Olive. He never wanted her or even liked her. He only tolerated her because she knew who all the muggleborns were. Tom used her and she also shared part of his punishment—expulsion. Somehow he wished she was sitting in Azkaban with him. She was, after all, the one who found the entrance to the Chamber of Secrets. At the same time, he wished he never saw her face again.
Tom shivered. It was so drafty in his cell. Even on the hottest of days and he was on the sixteenth floor, Azkaban was always chilly. He hated it. It was a long time since he felt the warmth of someone's arms around him. Who was the last person who hugged him? He couldn't remember. Wasn't it Serena? She had hugged him when he got his sentence. She had looked so sorry. From the way she had hugged him so tightly, Tom figured she wouldn't let go. For some reason, he wished he she would just put her arms around him now. He didn't like cuddles. He hated people in his personal space. Tom laughed at himself. Here he was wishing someone would hold him when he never liked it before.
So tell me why you've chosen me
Don't want your grip
Don't want your greed
Don't want it
I'll tear me open, make you gone
No more can you hurt anyone
And the fear still shakes me
So hold me until it sleeps
Tom knew he wanted to be the greatest wizard of all time. He wanted to strech magic to his limits, but how could one little ambition lead him this far? Why him? He didn't want all this. He had to do something. He had to get rid of this evil side of him, but he didn't know how. He was full of fear and a demon that never seemed to sleep. He did not know what to do about it. A parcel fell between the bars of Tom's door. He was sitting with his back against it and he felt the envelope fall on his head. He yanked the parcel off, thinking it was some sort of creature and his heart elevated when he recognized Serena's writing. He ripped open the envelope and took out the letter.
December 27, 1944
Dear Tom, I hoped you enjoyed your Christmas present. I know your birthday is on the thirty-first. It might had been easier to combine your birthday present with your Christmas present, but I figured you'd like the presents separately. OWLS are flying all over this time of year, so I hope you got your present on or before your birthday.I enjoyed my Christmas. I got nice presents, including a new stationary set from my parents. They know I've been writing a lot of letters. I've been using some of my notebook paper for school notes for my letters!I am glad this is my last year of Hogwarts. I can't believe all of this homework. The teachers are really rough with the seventh years too. I wonder if I'll even remember half I've learned when I take my NEWTS.It's getting really cold over here. We've been having snow since the middle of November. I'm glad my mom sent me some warmer clothing and mittens. It snowed on Christmas morning. I had a snowball fight with Raye Potter, Amy Fawcet, Rufus Scrimgeour and Edward McMillan. Needless to say, I lost. We built a snow fort and some snowmen. That was really fun! I wanted you to see it, so I've enclosed some pictures. It must be hard having to spend another Christmas there. You only have two more to go. You're nearly halfway done. I'll come visit you for the next Christmases to come, your birthdays too and other holidays. I'll come as often as possible. I promise.Happy Birthday Tom.
Your Friend,Serena
Tom looked at the pictures that were in the parcel. They made him laugh and they caused another sensation within Tom. Serena looked so beautiful in her golden hair, dark blue eyes and that smile. He never felt this way about anyone. Along with the parcel was thick piece of chocolate. He took a small bite and put the rest in the parcel to save for later. The chocolate did not last long.
It grips you so hold me
It stains you so hold me
It hates you so hold me
It holds you, holds you, holds you
Until it sleeps...
Serena sent Tom several chocolate eggs and more pictures in her Easter parcel. All the snow had melted. She told him about Quidditch and more about school. She wrote to him the day before she took her NEWT's and how she was so nervous about it. Tom wished he had his own stationary and quill so he can reassure her. With each letter he received from her, his desire to see her strengthened. He almost forgot how to use his voice.
The end of the term came. Without school to hold her down, Serena decided to plan her first visit to Azkaban. She had sent tons of owls to Tom. It was time he had a visitor. The day she planned to get to Azkaban, she got the results from her NEWTs. She passed all the classes she needed to become a Kwickspell teacher. It made her want to see Tom even more. He would be the first one outside her family to hear the good news.
Serena disaparated as far as she could north, and traveled on foot to the coast, where port to Azkaban was. Besides broom, boat was the only means of transportation to Azkban. Flying to Azkaban was not encouraged. Once the flyer got to the island, the dementors would remove their happy feelings and cause them to crash.
Serena kept a stash of chocolate in her pockets. She was going to need it when she left the prison. As the boat came closer to Azkaban, she could feel her heart grow sadder.
The boat reached the island, making a small thud as it landed. Serena got off the boat, careful not to trip and fall. As she approached the gates, she stated who she was and who she was visiting.
"You will need to leave your wand with us," said the ministry wizard.
"Oh, all right." She took out her wand and handed it to the wizard.
"Tom Riddle's cell is number thirteen on the sixteenth floor. You have half an hour."
"Thanks," muttered Serena as she walked away. "It might take me that long to get there."
She hiked up all the stairs until she got the sixteenth floor. She stopped for a while to catch her breath and searched for Tom's cell. She found the door and knocked on it gently.
"Tom? It's me, Serena."
Tom was sitting in a corner, re-reading Serena's letters. At hearing his name called, he lifted his head and gazed at the door.
"Serena?" his voice was hoarse.
"Yes, can you come closer?" Serena stuck her hand through the bars. "I can't see you."
Tom pushed himself off the floor and stumbled toward the door. Serena grasped the bars, peering in.
"That's better…it's nice to see—augh!"
When the light fell on Tom, she saw how he really looked and not how she pictured. He was still tall, but looked as if his body had been stretched. He was far too skinny. The gray filthy prison robes were hanging off him. His face was bony and hairy. His hair fell around his shoulders, making him look like a mountain man. He looked like nothing as she remembered. The smell of him was nearly as bad as the sight.
"Tom!" she exclaimed in shock. "Oh, Tom!"
Noticing the shock and disgust on her face, Tom quickly turned his back to her so she couldn't see his face. He put his hand on the wall.
"Sorry, I must look hideous," he murmured. "You shouldn't have come."
"No…no," she mumbled, "it's just that—you don't look like I remember."
"This is what happens to Azkaban prisoners," Tom muttered. "I got your last letter, about graduation. You mentioned something about coming to visiting me."
"Yes," said Serena. "Yes, I was finally able to work it out. Hey, I got my NEWT scores!" she searched in her robes and pulled out the parchment. "See?"
Tom looked over his shoulder and shifted slowly to the door. He didn't take the parchment away, because he didn't' want to grime it up. He just skimmed over the results quickly.
"Outstandings in Muggle Studies and Transfiguration," he said with a nod, "and Exceeds Expectations in Charms and Potions and one Acceptable in Defense Against the Dark Arts and Herbology. Good job, Serena."
Serena beamed at him. "Thank you, Tom."
Tom turned his face away. He was happy to see her, but he wasn't happy that she was here. He didn't want anyone to see him this way. He wanted to see her so badly. He wanted someone to see him. For the last few months in Azkaban he wanted someone to sit with him and hold him—Someone like Serena. Now she was here and he couldn't' even bring himself to ask her.
"Well, you should go," he said. "Thank you for seeing me."
"No, the guard said I've got thirty minutes," she replied. "And it took me fifteen to get up here!"
"Serena, it means me a lot that you're here," he said, "but you should go. I'm…not well."
"Are you sick?" she asked. "Maybe you need a healer. You know, Amy's been talking about becoming a healer. Maybe I can talk her into coming with me."
"No!" he shouted, turning around to her. He looked inhuman. "Serena…I'm sick. Something is wrong with me. I'm going crazy. I'm here because I'm the Heir of Slytherin and I want to be the most powerful wizard in the world. I was prepared to become Lord Voldemort, so I can make everyone fear me."
"But that won't happen," Serena said softly. "You can change."
"You don't understand," he said. "I don't want to change. I don't want to be Tom Riddle anymore. I want to be Lord Voldemort, even now."
"You're determined to become him when you leave Azkaban?"
"Yes," he said. "It's all I ever think about. From the beginning. I don't know what else to do."
"But…doesn't that scare you, just a little bit?" she asked. "Becoming a monster?"
"Maybe it does," said Tom. "I've started to fear a lot of things since I've come here. But…I don't know what else to do."
Serena reached through the bars. "Tom, come here. Please. I can help you. Let me just…touch you for a minute. You look like you could use a hug."
Tom stood still. She called his name a gain, begging him to come closer to the door.
"Please, Tom," she said. "Just for a moment."
A voice in Tom's head told him to stay put, to tell the girl to leave. Yet another voice tod him to go to her. He turned slowly and staggered to the door.
"That's it," she coaxed, her arms outstretched. "Come here, Tom."
He reached for her hands. They were softer and warmer than his. She squeezed his hands and pulled him closer. Her hands trailed up his arms and to his shoulders. His arms fell to the sides as hers stretched around his neck. Her fingers twirled around his thick and dirty black hair. Tom didn't understand. Why was she holding him like this?
"I've missed you," she whispered. "I know it's hard. You're confused and you don't know what to do."
"Mmm-hmm," he said heavily. She smelled so good.
"You're halfway done with your sentence," she said. "Please, use this time to heal and change for the better."
"I don't know how," he admitted. "The Dark Arts is all I know. I feel something changing in me; I don't know what it is or how to stop it."
"We'll think of something," she told him.
A dementor floated down the hall, pausing by Serena. The message was clear; her time was up.
She let go of Tom, her hands hanging between the bars. Tom rubbed a finger over her knuckles.
"I'll come back again," she promised.
Tom nodded.
"Oh, this is for you," she reached into her pocket and pulled out some chocolate. She dropped it in his hand.
"Thanks," he said.
"Bye, Tom," she said.
"Bye, Serena," he murmured and she turned away. He peered through the doors, watching her leave. Then she was gone but she would be back. She promised. Somehow, she had to put the demon inside him to sleep.
I don't want it...NO
So tear me open, but beware.
There's things inside without a care
And the dirt still stains me
So wash me til I'm clean
I'll tear me open, make you gone
No longer will you hurt anyone
And the hate still shakes me
So hold me until it sleeps
Until it sleeps
Until it sleeps
Until it sleeps
TO BE CONTINUED