Castle theory #4
"All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream."
The sun beat down on him, breeze ruffling his hair as he marched to the morbid drum beats in the early morning. He'd read about them, even written a few over the years, but a police funeral for someone you knew, admired and loved was eye-opening, and heart wrenching. He's touched they allowed him such an honor, walking with them side by side, their team, no, their familycoming together in grief...
She stood, regal in her uniform diagonal from him, Esposito at her side, and Ryan right behind her. Heads held high as they marched with their fallen comrade. The man they looked on as a father and they now bear him to his eternal resting place, united in silence once again.
The casket was heavy, finalin his grasp as he looked ahead, watching her through the cover of his sunglasses. He witnessed, perhaps for the first time, how steely she could actually be, even though on the inside, he knew she was tormented. And yet, as they lowered their fallen knight, the red and white stripes brilliant, offering up their warning in the sunlight, she moved to the podium with stoic poise.
He took his place at her right side. Positioned as he always had been, whether she'd known it before or not. But as he listened to her speak, her steady voice echoing throughout the cemetery, she spoke of the battles. He was reminded of the wars they fought together, next to one another, and sometimes against each other...
And if he had ever denied her sense of where he stood with her, the moment she looked over at him, was the awakening. She had spoken directly to his soul.
It was then he knew that always was a not a sword which they could wield. Not the weapon of the heart that they both have so easily used to defend one another. But the stone they would pull it from.
As she continued on, he looked across the cemetery, the wind at his hair and a new sense of where he stood. For a brief moment he had thought that nothing could take that from him. Until he saw a glimmer in the distance, and his heart sank rapidly when he realized that there really are no victories. Because in the quick battle there on the green grass of the cemetery, Richard Castle threw himself in front of the other piece of his heart.
When they crashed to the ground, his thoughts only on her safety, it took him a moment to realize the ungodly pain in his chest. His eyes grew wide, the words gurgled for release at the back of his throat as her beautiful face looked upon him with tears in her eyes.
"Stay with me, Kate " He said, her hand coming up to cup his face.
"Don't leave me, Please," She begged of him.
He could feel himself fading, slipping into the blackness they have always fought against.
"Stay with me, okay?" She was frantic, bordering on hysterical with her white gloves now coated in his blood.
"Kate," He choked out, and she leaned in to listen over the uproar behind them. But it didn't matter anymore. Not with him on the ground bleeding to death, and he could see her devotion in her eyes. " I love you, Kate." He had said, watching a solitary tear slip down her cheek as one blazed its own wet trail from his dying eyes.
He would never know her answer, as the pain overtook him and his eyes slid closed, consuming him in darkness..
Awareness floods in around the edges, light and noise and the thudding, pulsing beat of his heart. The pain in his body is so unbearable, that it causes him to draw in a deep lungful of air, harsh and loud before he gasps. His eyes open, wide and frozen with fear, his hand flying to his chest as he looks around. Castle jerks into a sitting position, gathering his breath as it comes in harsh pants.
He turns, looking down beside him at the bed, trying to quieten his breathing further and not disturb his bed-mate. She seems so peaceful, eyes closed in sleep and her hands folded across her lap.
She looks just like he's always imagined she would. Waking up to her every morning, hair swept messily, and yet beautifully across his pillow. Her face is always turned towards him, the light from the window sneaking in to flit across her naked back. And he would watch her as she slept, as he does now.
But his eyes do not see the glaring sun peeking through the curtains as they try to sleep. Not the soft sounds of her breathing, but the steady beep of a heart monitor confined by stark white walls of a hospital room.
Castle lets his eyes roam her body, still and so small in this bed. if it wasn't for the rhythmic beep of her heart monitor, he'd think she wasn't here. The woman who has always commanded his attention whether she knew she was or not.
It's mid-morning, he can see, from what little light filters in through the blinds of her room, none of it reaching her where she lays, it barely reaches him. He turns his face away from it, aware now of another body in the room, more full of life than the one beside him.
She sleeps, surrounded in sunlight, curled on a couch on the other side of the room, his little girl, even though she's not so little anymore. Her feet hanging over the end of the small couch and a blanket thrown over her haphazardly.
As he blinks himself awake, more of the room comes into focus. The small table by the window, a door to a bathroom, and the flowers on every other surface. A deck of cards and a chess board, game not yet finished, sits on the table, with copious amounts of empty coffee cups. He lives in this room, the one he got just for her...even though he knows, that if she could protest, she certainly would.
It's bad enough that one of them lives a frozen existence, she wouldn't want him here too, but he won't leave. He's abandoned his office, his writing, and the smart-board. He has even left his family to spend time here, though they follow, clinging just as tightly as he does to the hope that she will awaken.
He knows that his mother and daughter have adopted Kate into their family. He's often times walked in on them talking to Kate. Filling her in on how he is doing, the cases he stills sits in on sometimes to keep himself busy. He even caught Alexis telling her about his smart-board. The investigation of Kate's shooting. His mother muses about how she just wants her son to be happy, and that if she would only wake up, could see how he feels about her, than maybe they both could be happy with each other.
He hopes, god does he hope that she hears all this. But more than anything, he wishes that it didn't have to be this way. That he wasn't sitting in this room day after day, month after month. That he will one day wake up, and all of this was just a horrible nightmare.
"Should have been me." He says combing a hand lightly through her hair, caressing the side of her face. He refuses to lose hope as he leans over her, tucking a single stray strand of hair behind her ear. He doesn't understand how they continue to escape from the thick plait, that winds now longer than before across her chest, when she herself stays so still.
Her eyelids flutter of course, they say there is activity still strong and life affirming within her unconscious mind. But the woman who remains impassive in this sterile room, lacks the essential spark that makes her Kate.
He misses her voice, and her laugh.
Castle runs his fingers gently along the edge of her hairline, his thumb soothing a path across the slight crease in her forehead. He leans forward and replaces the digit with his lips, inhaling lightly as he does. He misses her smell.
The sterility of hospital chemicals and generic soap lingered here too long, until he insisted someone bring her things from home. Lanie took over then, her able hands guiding their way through the thick mane of her hair. It doesn't matter though, because it's not Kate's hands that twist through her hair, not her lips pursed in concentration as she fixed it so perfectly behind her head, telling him to stop staring because it's creepy.
He pulls back slowly, his eyes closed as he waits the few seconds he always allows for her response to his kiss. Nothing. He sighs and leans away to find the chair, where he left it yesterday, before he pulls it to her side and sits down.
"I never thought I would see you again." Castle says. A whisper deep and mournful in his throat, the words he utters every time he looks upon her. Each day he wakes and finds her still here, still clinging to life, a miracle.
They are interrupted then, as is their habit even in this frozen state, as Dr. Burke and Dr. Smith enter the room, making their rounds. Castle moves away from the bed, nodding at both as he reluctantly leaves her side.
"More bouquets I see, planning on opening a flower store?" Dr. Burke asks with a kind smile as he moves to Kate's bed picking up the chart.
Dr. Smith says nothing, forever mysterious in his white coat, and unreadable face. The only time he does speak, is to give Castle vague answers to desperately sought questions. Even now the men just circle, clipboards raised and test sheets ready. He knows the ritual now, he payed for it, the continual care and attention she needs. Anything for her.
Always.
Each man takes up a side of the bed and they start to run checks, ticking things off as they go.
Heart rate.
Blood pressure.
Kidney function.
Liver function.
Some other tests that he stops listening to because he knows the list by heart. Castle sits beside Alexis, who stirs rising from sleep to stare out of the window as the myriad of medical words and phrases wash over them in an endless and useless stream of information.
He ignores their chatter, losing himself instead in fantasy, a safer existence than the reality. Alexis leans into his side, as if imagining a more lively Kate along with him.
He pictures Kate, at her desk as he hands her a coffee, a soft smile on her face as she tilts her head and gives him a loving look of appreciation. If she can exist in a dream world, so can he.
He moves through the images in his head, imagining her now in a long black dress, absent of her bullet scar with her hair piled on her head. She smiles and flirts shamelessly, a twinkle in her eye as she navigates the room of some swanky function. Maybe undercover, he smiles, she would kill him for that, undercover Beckett gets to play.
He realizes someones talking to him and he turns, the Doctors' both watching him expectantly.
"I'm sorry." He says with a fake smile and both men nod.
"There are spikes in the brain function test Mr. Castle that indicate a mild improvement." Dr, Smith says.
Castle nods, he doesn't get excited, he's been here before, things rise, they fall, fluctuating constantly as she remains impassive and still.
"Dad?" Alexis asks, resting her chin on his shoulder and looking at him for answers.
"She's the same pumpkin..." He says, voice trailing off as if he's lost a bit of his hope.
Alexis takes both his hands in hers. "What are you afraid of?" She asks.
"Can you leave us alone now please?" He asks quietly. Ignoring both men, he gets up from the couch, trying to ignore his daughter's question; afraid of the answers as he sits once again by Kate's side.
Alexis stands as the door clicks shut, looking sadly at her father before speaking the truth he doesn't want to hear. "That she won't wake up, or that she will?"
A pang enters his chest, and he bows his head, runs his fingers softly along Kate's arm. "What if she doesn't remember?" He asks helplessly, watching each rise and fall of her chest.
"She'll remember everything." The young girl rests a hand on his shoulder, giving it a squeeze. "I'll go get you some coffee." She then says, turning away and leaving her father alone with Kate.
"Lanie said she would stop by again later," He smiles softly at her, trying to push past his small moment of doubt. "She seemed to think you need another girl talk, apparently you're not listening to her advice." Castle leans forward bringing her fingers to his face as he looks at the individual digits, playing along each finger softly with his own. "I asked her to put in a good word for me, talk up my case, you'd tell me if she didn't right Kate?" He squeezes her hand again. "Partners."
The moment his squeeze slackens, her hand loosens and falls from his grasp onto the bed. He asked her to stay with him, ten months ago when the sniper fired a round straight through both of their hearts, he begged her to stay. And she did. So there is no way he will leave her side. Lost wherever it is she lingers, just out of reach. He will remain here day after day until she wakes up, until she comes back to him.
He smiles softly as he squeezes her hand again and draws it to his lips. Kissing gently across the back of her hand, before turning her curled fingers over and laying his lips to the beat of life that echoes in her palm.
"I know I know," He jokes "I'm taking liberties but it's been ten months...I think one kiss and a little hand holding are allowed. Right?" He waits, then shakes his head as if she continues to tease him "Still so quiet. I'm going to start to think you like the sound of my voice. You wouldn't want that would you? After all the times you told me to shut up."
His voice cracks, his tone changing from levity to desperation "Tell me to shut up Beckett." He pleads. "Kate? Tell me to shut up okay?"
Of course she doesn't, and after a few seconds of staring at their joined fingers he smiles softly at her "Still so stubborn." He shakes his head again.
Swallowing thickly he starts out as he always does reminding her of the cases. "So I told you how we battled the tiger, I know right who would have guessed? The ghost case was a little far fetched but you liked that one I think, I let you tease me. Hmm superheroes we did, headless corpses, Ryan's wedding," He sucks in a steadying breath "I can't believe you missed that actually."
Castle clears his throat, he's not here to be sad and depressive. He's here for Kate, to guide her back. "Oh and a dog show. Royal was cute."
"And I wouldn't let you get another one." Alexis voice nearly makes him jump. She stands by the door, two coffees in hand.
"Kate would have liked him...he seemed to like her.." He says, rubbing the back of her hand.
"Yea after you snuck him in here, he nearly licked her face off." She walks over to the table and sets the coffees down by the chessboard.
They both laugh remembering the animal healers, the canine medical unit that he had researched. The website and advisers had suggested in some cases, advanced cases with little hope of change, an animal could reach through the darkness with more success than Doctors. Medicine could only go so far to help her and there was no way he was passing up the chance, anything that might work, he would try.
He leans forward, his elbow resting on the edge of her bed as he runs his fingers over the back of her soft warm hand again. "So Alexis." He asks, deviously. "What should our case be today?"
Alexis raises an eyebrow. "Something a bit more...exciting." She replies, shrugging her shoulders, her heart shaped face scrunched in giddy thought of another adventure.
Castle grins at her, turning back to Kate. "Today you and I are going to take on the forces of the undead!" He squeezes her hand willing her awake with every word, every silly joke and every ache inside his chest. "Don't laugh Beckett or I'll make you scream when you see a zombie."
"You're the one who screams Dad." Alexis shakes her head at him, "And please keep me out of the morgue for that case." She then adds poking a pawn on the chessboard.
"Only this once." But he says nothing further, his eyes fixed on the heart monitor across from him.
"Hey dad?" Alexis asks after a while.
"Hmm?"
"We never finished the game."
Castle looks over to see her staring down at the pieces that remain. "Bring it over." He says, patting the free space next to Kate 's hip.
She carefully picks it up, walking over and sliding it onto the sheets carefully. "Hey..." She says frowning down at it as she pulls up a chair. "How did you end up with only three pieces?"
Looking down at the board, he can see his white pawn placed between his king, and her queen, and then his rook, poised ready to take out her king if she was so inclined to move it. But they are so evenly matched, that the outcome is not foreseeable.
"Hmm." He says, wrinkling his brow and leaning forward, chin in his fist. Alexis had been winning, but the other remaining pieces on her side do not matter. The amount of pieces captured did not surmount to the most important move of the game, made by what could be the most powerful piece left on the board.
"Sometimes." A voice floats into the thick concentration of the room. A voice so ethereal that he never thought he would hear again. "A well placed pawn... is more powerful than a king."