Chapter 54- Goodbye my Lover, Goodbye my Friend
A/N-minor warning: there is a death of a character in this chapter
Well this is one of the longest chapters I have written, and in my oppinion also one of the sadest...
As always please review... I love love love to hear what your brilliant minds think!!
Kris lay in bed next to Junior, watching the gentle rise and fall of his chest as he slept. It had been a long time since she had really been able to be this relaxed around him, this calm.
She brushed a small clump of his hair off of his forehead and placed a gentle kiss where the exposed skin now lay. How long had it been since they had kissed? Since they had made love? When no answer could come to her, the thought made her increasingly saddened.
Thinking back she realized that she couldn't remember the last time he had touched her and actually meant it. Sure there were the occasional accidental brushes, and the forced ones while in the presence of others, but it wasn't the same.
Kris realized, however, that she could pinpoint the last time they had fought. While this may have previously seemed unusual, the tension between them had seemed to be escalating into fights more and more frequently.
What was it they had fought about? Kris wondered as she pulled herself out of bed to get ready for the long day ahead. Shaking her head silently, she realized that she couldn't even remember.
In the shower she let herself cry, as she did most mornings before beginning her day. Sweeping the water off of her face and into her hair, she thought back to when times were better, when she was happy.
She had announced the other night that she was moving out, a "trial separation" from living together. He would remain in the bunkhouse while she moved back into their old home. Jason would split his time between the two.
He had looked at her and silently nodded, agreeing that it was the best for both of them. She knew then, what he could never tell her, that things had changed. She remembered so many months ago when he had told her that he trusted her that he understood that she had to keep her secrets. He didn't understand any longer.
She had spent nights sitting on the swing, silently rocking back and forth; contemplating the situation she had put them in. She knew she was to blame, but she was unsure of any way to fix it other than one.
She made her way out of the shower and into the living area. Her packed bags sat by the door, a looming reminder that she was leaving. She felt herself slowing her actions down, hoping to spend a few more minutes in the place she had grown to love and hate.
She had placed the letter in a place where she knew he would find it. Setting it softly and gently down on the pillow where she had become accustom to laying her head each night. She hoped that in someway it would explain her actions and smooth the growing rift between them. It was her last hope, her only hope.
As she picked up the suitcases and loaded them into the car, her friends no her family emerged from the house silently watching.
Matt approached her then and without a word made his way into the bunkhouse picking up the last bag and Jason in his carrier bringing them to the car.
"It isn't fair" Matt replied softly as he stood next to her in the driveway.
She nodded her head silently willing back the tears. "You can always come and visit."
He nodded his head just as silently and she noticed a few tears fall down his face as well.
"I promise you Matt, if there was any other way." Kris stated as her voice broke.
"I just don't understand what happened between you two." Matt replied.
A gentle sigh escaped Kris' lips as she looked at one of her best friends and gently pulled him into a hug.
"I'm sorry I wasn't stronger," Kris whispered as she pulled away the tears cascading down her face. Without another word she made her way to the driver's door and stood for a moment looking around Raintree.
She looked back at the people standing on the porch, their cascade of tears matching her own and she waved softly.
She looked to the bunkhouse one last time and the memories seemed to flash before her eyes. Junior sat by the window, hair mussed from sleep, quietly watching her leave. As she slid into her seat she realized she hadn't said goodbye, and once again she felt the looming pit in her stomach foreshadowing her grief.
--
Matt held his wife softly as her tears cascaded gently down her face, marring his shirt.
"What did she say to you?" Dani asked softly causing both Jean and Pablo to turn and look as well.
"What do you mean?" Matt asked gently, staring at cascading dust that was slowly drifting back down to the gravel.
"When you guys hugged she said something," Dani stated softly "something that shocked you."
He looked at his wife, amazed at how well she could read him.
"She said she was sorry that she wasn't stronger." Matt replied softly, brusquely into the air.
A small sob escaped Jean's lips and they all turned to look at her. "That girl," Jean replied "is the strongest girl I've ever known."
Matt could feel his head nodding in agreement. His eyes made his way to the bunkhouse and met those of one of his best friends. He was momentarily surprised by the anger in the pit of his stomach and he had to force himself not to react violently.
"Good morning" Junior called loudly over the small expanse between the two houses. "Beautiful day."
He could feel Dani shaking in his arms, and he was surprisedly proud of the anger that she too possessed and even more so by the actions that followed.
It seemed like it happened in slow motion, the way Dani moved away from him and ran the short expanse. As she reached her brother, her hand raised and the sound of the slap echoed across the drive and through his head.
The look on Junior's face was shocked, but resigned, and Matt couldn't help the swelling of pride in Dani, for Dani. He knew that Dani and Kris had never worked through their problems after their fight that day, but instead had avoided each other pretending it had never happened.
Yet here Dani was, standing up for Kris, standing up for them all. It was something he had wished he had the guts to do. Then she spoke.
"How dare you," Dani stated with her finger raised towards her brother "HOW DARE YOU!"
He opened his mouth to speak, however she stopped him before he could even get a word in.
"I don't care what you have to say," Dani seethed as her finger poked into her brother's chest, "I don't care to hear your excuses, your lies. GOOD MORNING?! Did you not just see the love of your life leave you? And with your child, nonetheless! HONESTLY! Well brother, I have to say that you have done some pretty stupid things in your life, but I think this one takes the cake."
With that, Matt watched as Dani stormed away from her brother and made her way into the main house slamming the door behind her. He stood for a moment and his eye met once again with Junior's; shaking his head softly and sadly he turned away from his friend and headed into the house.
--
What was that saying? A house was only a home if it had the ones you loved? Kris couldn't remember but she sat on the couch, staring at the walls wondering where she had gone wrong. She had mourned Junior once, and now she sat in the same position on the same couch mourning him again.
Twisting the ring around her finger, she couldn't bare to remove it, just as she couldn't before. He would come to his senses after he read the letter, and everything would be ok. Wouldn't it?
She slowly unzipped her suitcase and pulled out the battered picture frame containing a picture of the two of them. She had hoped it would make her feel better, as moronic as that sounded, but it only seemed to make the tears fall faster and stronger.
She heard the soft gentle cry of Jason, signaling that he was awake and hungry and it quickly brought her back to reality. No time to be sad, no time to remember. Kris had a child to take care of and a house to clean.
--
Matt had found him in the barn a few hours later as he worked on his daily chores. His first instinct, to find a pulse, had proved that he had found him too late. He could feel the tears gently cascading down his face, mixing in with the sweat.
He gently lay his shovel down and stood letting the grief encompass him and fill him to the brim. He called to his mother, just down the row from him, and stood softly crying as he waited for her to come.
"Matt?" Jean asked softly when she saw his face "Is everything ok?"
He pointed, not trusting his voice and not wanting to violate the silence that had encompassed him and had encompassed his heart.
A small gasp escaped her lips and he instantly knew he was not alone in his grief, in his suffering. Tears cascaded down her face as well, and he realized it was a true testament of the love she had had for him, that he had had for him.
Matt's hands shook as he gently bent down next the horse and laid his hand in his soft mane. His mother knelt beside him, she too gently crying over the horse.
He looked at his mother and the words seemed to be unspoken as he rose and made his way into the house, he would be the one to call and tell her. He would be the one to break her even more.
--
Kris' phone rang, breaking her out of her thoughts and bringing her back to the present. She reached into her pocket and pulled out the small cell phone noticing the picture of Jean that displayed in the viewer signifying a call from Raintree.
"Hello," Kris stated softly answering the phone.
"Kris," Matt replied as his voice gently broke "I have some bad news."
Kris could feel her heart pounding in her chest and her brain flashed back to a call she had received not so long ago.
"Is everything ok?" Kris asked trying to sound strong, but her voice betrayed her.
She heard his gentle crying then, causing Goosebumps at the déjà-vu this was causing her.
"Matt?" she asked softly, urging him to continue.
"I'm so sorry," he stated softly as he sniffled his nose "to have to be the one to tell you this."
She could feel her hands shaking and she sat down on the ground, taking deep breaths she tried to calm her nerves. Junior was fine, everything was fine, and everything was going to be ok.
"Kris, I was out cleaning the barn and and…" his voice broke for a moment "and I found Wildfire lying in his stall. He's dead and, and I'm so sorry Kris."
She could feel the tears cascading down her face and her hand shook as she held the phone to her ear.
"He was fine this morning," Matt spoke and as he continued his words drowned off, escaping her understanding.
"I will be right there," she whispered quietly through the tears before gently snapping the phone shut.
She tried to stand but the muscles in her legs felt like Jell-O causing her to plop back down. She leaned her head against the cool wall and could feel the world spinning around her. Life had dealt her another cruel hand, and in the process she had lost a friend once again.
Her motions seemed automatic as she prepared Jason for the car and prepared for the trek. It was almost as if she were numb to the world and numb to life. Memories flashed in her mind as she tried to block the images out, only making them stream faster.
Kris drove too quickly down the twisty gravel road, making it back to Raintree in record time. They stood outside the barn waiting for her, all five of them and as her eyes met Junior's she looked away. Matt placed a gentle hand on her back and led her into the stall before turning and leaving her alone to greave.
Standing next to him she looked down and felt her knees go weak. Kris knelt in the hay, paralyzed by grief and filled with so much sorrow that her weeping could not describe it. She laid her head gently in his soft mane and kissed his nose which was now cold. She stayed that way for several hours, her face buried into his mane, before standing up and brushing the knees of her jeans off, her sobs the only sound in the small barn.