Marauders 101

By: neen

Normal: Peter

Underlined: Sirius

Bold: James

Italics: Remus

Part Two.

Marauders 101:

An Inside Guide to The Way of The Four Gods of Hoggity Hogwarts

I: Commentary

-Name: Wormtail. That's all I can give. My mommy told me not to give out my real name in these types of things to strangers, so…I'm sorry!

(Aww, look at that! Wormy's listening to his dear old mum! Cute. You know, I think it's quite good that he's developed this habit…what if he accidentally runs into a vampire at that dodgy pub in Hogsmeade? Arrr. Bahah! You're funny, Moony. Vampires? I vill eat you alive! Er..)

-

-Nicknames: Wormy, Rat-boy. I think Padfoot called me…Earswax once in our second year?

(Yeah, I did. And I also called you Butt Digger and Mustard, but I don't think you heard that part… Padfoot, you're so inspirational with nicknames, honestly. I don't see where you get them. Prongs, don't encourage him. I already have a myriad of useless names. Party pooperanza. SEE? Prongs, back me up! That was bloody brilliant of you, Padfoot!)

-

-Birthday: February 18th.

(Er…oops? Judging from what you've just said, Padfoot…you didn't get him presents either? Moony? It seems that irregular, quite ordinary dates such as February 18th are included in my frequent memory lapses. Excuses, excuses, Moony. When will you ever learn? Yeah, a shoddy memory, eh, Moony? How come you have Hogwarts, A History memorized then? Hmm…that sounded suspiciously like an excuse, even if I didn't fully understand the lingo..)

-

-Hair Color: I think it used to be this washed out blond. Or maybe it looked more like a pale brown. I dunno, it was so very long ago. Prongs experiments on me for Snivellus's new hairdo of the day, so, it's currently a pale purple with spiky braids. Lilac. It's really pretty!

(Oho! I look forward to changing his hair every single day. The color, no matter what, always clashes horribly with his complexion…It was pale brown before, Wormtail, I remember. No memory lapse, eh? Padfoot, I still have my eagle quill armed and ready. Ouch. Anyways, don't you think the current hair color is ingenious? It's quite lovely. It looks far better on Snivellus, I'm afraid to say. BLOOD TRAITOR! EMBARASSMENT TO OUR NAME—That's enough, Padfoot. Besides, Moony was joking. Oh. Oops. You seem to say that a lot, don't you?)

-

-Eye Color: Watercolor Blue. I like to think they're my best feature—they're always so watery!

(No, not your eyes. Your best feature would have to be your…er…ear? Do specify which, Prongs. RIGHT! Remember that time when I made that baby alligator snip on his right ear the entire day…oh me! Merlin.)

-

-Height: 5' 1'', I think. Unless I'm in high heels, then I'm about 5' 4''. Those shoes really do make a difference, don't they?

(Apparently, Wormtail has a fetish for heels. Were any of you aware of this beforehand? Er…well. ME! I forced him into them when we were playing dress up in first year, and I must say, he's loved them since. And what about you, Padfoot? Yeah, do you like heels too? I live for them, dears. And that slinky red number of mine.)

-

-Favorite Color: Yellow, hands down. It's the color of the best things this world has: daisies, the sun, Snitches, and best of all--forgotten pee droplets on the toilet rim.

(Were any of you also aware that Wormtail liked to look at toilet seats for unwiped pee? Ohh, so that's why he always took so long to pee…blimey. I thought he had a bladder problem or something. What does he do? Does he sniff them, lick them off, or worse, wipe it off? Worse? Don't you mean better? No. Decent men do not lower themselves down to these servile manners. We ignore the pee droplets and if our –ahem- thing should happen to touch them, sucker! I dunno what he does actually. Though I've heard him say 'Mmm' more than once.)

-

-Favorite Food: Pickled pig tails. With olives. And a dash of cream cheese on the side. Mm.

(Errgh. No comment. Those things are good. Just not together. And cross out the pickled pig tails. Well, Wormtail does have a weird sense of taste, doesn't he?)

-

-Favorite Phrase: Umm…I like Padfoot's trusty pick-up line, "You're hot, I'm hot. Let's snog."

(Works like a charm every time. Hasn't failed me yet. Oh? I can't imagine women being so unintelligent to fall for that line. Sorry, Moony, I've seen him at work. It does work, amazingly enough. Hah! I made it up myself too…though girls usually come zooming with just a flick of my hair. Insufferable pillock.)

-

-Favorite Sport: Quidditch…that's the only sport wizards play, right? Besides, I like watching Prongs play—he's so good at everything! Even Seekering, which he's not even supposed to do.

(Ahem, no more words are needed here…though the correct terminology would be Seeking, not Seekering. HEY! I'm a bloody good Quidditch player too. Damn stag. You take all the glory. People love me. Arrogant prats. We love you bunches too, Moony.)

-

-Pets: Umm, I think I had a frog once. Maybe I ate it when I was sleeping.

(Yeah, that was me. What was you? I fear what you are about to say. Wormtail's mouth was hanging wiiiiiide open, and we couldn't resist. NO! You DIDN'T! I stuffed it down Wormtail's throat, and he gulped it down. ANIMAL CRUELTY! INHUMANE, I DECLARE! Oh, stuff it, Moony. It was a fake frog anyways. PLASTIC! IT DOESN'T RECYCLE EASILY! IT TAKES YEARS, MIND YOU, YEARS! Moony, Moony, Moony. You forgot something. It's Wormtail's digestive tract we're talking about. Good point.)

-

-Piercings: Nope.

(How uninteresting. Frankly, I'd be disturbed if Wormtail happened to have any piercings. I could've sworn he went and pierced his left buttock…he couldn't sit right for ages that week last year. Or maybe…Urgh, say no more.)

-

-Tattoos: I have a merperson on the right side of my back. It even sings when I'm in the shower.

(HE WHAT? TATTOO? Little Wormtail? I know, right! That's not right, even I don't have anything on the right side of my back. Oops, I always thought he was an awful singer. Guess it was the merperson's screeching. No, he really does sing badly too. He sings along to the songs in the shower. That high-pitched voice? The one and only. Oh. I thought some girl sneaked in to watch us shower or something and was serenading us. If only, Prongs, if only.)

-

-Broken Any Bones: No.

(Again, how uninteresting. Lucky toerag. Blessed he is.)

-

-Been Shot/Stabbed: Padfoot's accidentally shot me with something from Zonko's…and Moony's repeatedly stabbed me with his pointy eagle quill that he threatened Padfoot with.

(Ahaha, that was brilliant, I must admit! And the blood was so realistic. He looked so pale! It was real blood, Padfoot. Bugger! Oops? Sigh, violence solves nothing, my friends. I am thinking that something involving me shoving this pointed eagle quill up your nose very painfully will shut you up. Am I in agreement? Er—but, the fact that 'MOONY IS ALWAYS RIGHT' overrides everything, even 'the violence solves nothing.' Good. Yes, even dear, quiet, sensible Moony has a nasty, temperamental side to him. GASP! Ahem, I strongly encourage you to shut up now, Padfoot, before you regret it deeply.)

-

-Girlfriend: No one right now, but since I've heard that all of the girls like the Marauders, I guess I'm a hot item, right? Maybe I can finally ask out that cute Gryffindor girl that's sometimes here…I think Emilie was her name. She's really pretty. She could pass for Padfoot's sister—that's how pretty she is. That means I think Padfoot's pretty too, by the way.

(Why are you looking like that, Padfoot? It's a compliment! You're looking a bit pale.. Of course he is…he's worried, right now, can't you see that? Wormtail—he's in love with me. Supercilious prick, of course he's not. He loves Emilie. He just said you were pretty. No need to get a full head. You don't understand…Emilie was a dare between Moony and me. Emilie…is me! Oh. Crap. Better not let him read our commentary. That can't be good. AHHHHHHHHHHH!)

-

-Likes To: Watch Prongs play with the Snitch he stole from the Quidditch cupboard on March 29th. It's so cool! Umm…doing Dark Arts on the side and betraying people…ha, ha. Just joking, of course.

(I am gifted. There is zero doubt about it. Arrogant prat. That, is officially, Moony's phrase of the moment. 'Ouch, I'm never going to be able to procreate again' is going to be your phrase of the moment if you don't stuff your mouth. Touché. Wormtail likes his little joke. That's about as funny as it gets. Har, har.)

-

-Favorite Marauder: Ooh, that's a toughie. I think probably Prongs, because he's so cool with the whole Snitch catching thing! That is amazing. Padfoot's cool too, and so very handsome. Moony is very nice and lets me copy his homework. I like them all.

(THAT'S ME! ADORABLE, LICKABLE, HUGGABLE ME! Shut up, Padfoot. He likes my Snitch-catching-skills that undoubtedly, you do not have. Sucker. I'm a bit soft, aren't I? That was sweet, Wormtail.)

-

-Funniest Marauder: Padfoot? He guffaws in a way that's quite amusing, I must admit.

(Is he insulting my laugh? Sounds like it. You do have an interesting sound that comes out of your gullet, so…Harrumph. HA, HA! Oh, dear, that was a hilarious sound he just made!)

-

-Prettiest Marauder: Ooh, Padfoot!

(And we all know why. Emilie dearest. I'm not a pretty boy! I'm handsome and adorable and hot! Keep saying that, Padfoot. It just might stick. Aw, embrace your inner feminism, Padfoot. It might do you some good.)

-

-Most Handsome Marauder: Ooh, Padfoot!

(There we go! It seems that Wormtail is a bit obsessed with someone…I think Padfoot shouldn't be slightly worried at all. I agree. Just a tiny, eensy bit. No worries there. I get the idea. What can I say? My charisma goes far in all directions. Hah! Hah!)

-

-Loudest Marauder: Ooh, Padfoot!

(Hmm…this could be considered as an insult. Live with it, Paddy. Wormtail's quite correct in this assumption. Padfoot does have the loudest snores I've ever heard. Oh, and don't forget the very loud droolings at night.)

-

-Craziest Marauder: (Prongs said if I wrote 'Ooh, Padfoot' one more time, he was going to stab me with his finger which is covered with some weird substance that I'm not quite sure what it is, so…) Oh, Padfoot!

(That's right, I was. What was the unknown substance on your fingers? Pudding. Pudding, or pudding? Perverted boy. Pudding, I insist. Suuure.)

-

-Most Shy: Me.

(Aww. Ickle Wormy. Lay off, Padfoot. Shyness is not necessarily a bad attribute.)

-

-Most Loving: Um, Moony?

(AWW! LET'S ALL GIVE MOONY A BIG GROUP HUG! Come any nearer to me, and I will dangle you upside down by your feet and bounce you repeatedly on the marble ground. Snort! Loving, my foot. Party pooperanza.)

-

-Most Understanding: Moony.

(More like most understanding of how to use unnecessary violence. People honestly misjudge Moony. Scary, he is. Agreed. Deeply in agreement of this statement. Do not be fooled, young ones! AHEM.)

-

-Most Boring: Probably me. I don't have any maddening skills, so..

(Ohh, look at him! He has such a sad lack of confidence. Go tell him something nice, Padfoot. Okay. "OY, WORMY! Your butt looks less flabby than usual!" Har, he's stupid, that one. I know. You would –think- that he would at least try and tone up his buttocks a bit, but… I wasn't talking about him. Oh, but Moony's really so intelligent! Look at his grades! Do you need another vision screening, Prongs? Dumb-arse. I'm talking about you. Ohh. Forget it, Prongs. It's a lost cause. Affirmed.)

-

-Richest: Prongs, most likely, with a close coming with Padfoot.

(I'm bloody loaded. Yeah, how else do you think he gets his grades? That's a strong accusation there, Padfoot. Don't you think… He's right. Oh. Yep. HA! Just joking, of course. You're actually that smart? Blimey!)

-

-Most Athletic: Prongs. Padfoot still has a bit of pudge on his sides (but he's still very handsome!)

(OH MY MERLIN! I HAVE NEVER BEEN THIS OUTRAGEOUSLY PUT DOWN IN MY LIFE BEFORE! PUDGE? IS HE BLIND? PUDGE! PUDGE! WHY, I'M GOING TO PUDGE HIM! Padfoot, calm down. He's talking about your lovehandles. Lovehandles? I can handle love fine myself, thanks. Now about that pudge nonsense! What's that extra skin hanging off your sides then? Har, har. It's—it's anything BUT pudge! Fat? NOO! I'm lean, muscular, and FIT! You spelled that wrong, Padfoot. It's an 'a' instead of an 'i'. Ha. F-A---OH, NO YOU DON'T! You thought I was going to fall for that and put 'fat'—bugger.)

-

-Most Cocky: Prongs and Padfoot, when they're surrounded by girls.

(Even without girls…how true, how true. Can't help it. It's in our genetic makeup. The girls—they're just all so very flattering that you start believing everything. Which, of course, are all true. Arrogant prats. You used your phrase of the moment again! OUCH! I'm never going to be able to procreate again! Padfoot, when will you learn? Moony means business.)

-

-Biggest Sex Icon: Padfoot.

(GRINS. Of course. Everyone can't get enough of me. Har, har, this is an incredibly funny joke! Only people in the wrong set of mind would ever consider Padfoot as a sex icon, I'm afraid…)

-

What Do You Think About When You Hear…

-Cucumber: Pickles.

(Good thinking. Ooh, I love pickles! Yum.)

-

-Cupboard: Prongs nicking that Snitch.

(Legendary moment. What else can I say? PRAT, I SAY! You forgot the arrogant part this time…OUCH!)

-

-Collar: Padfoot desperately needs one.

(I resent this! I am perfectly safe without one! There are no dangers coming my way, thanks. I don't think he means that things will harm you, Padfoot. Oh. More like you're a danger to all of society. HEY.)

-

-Catapult: Please don't use me as a flinging object..

(He just read my mind! Aww, there goes that prank. I was going to use him as a tester on my latest invention for Padfoot torture devices.)

-

-Cat: Padfoot's dinner. (Why are all these 'c' words?)

(Feline delicacies, mmm. Sickening. Seriously. Oh, but I am Sirius! Har. Funny. Witty. I dunno with all the 'c' words…that's weird.)

-

-Corn: Cornbread.

(So original…notice the sarcasm. I like cornbread. You like anything, Padfoot, as long as it's edible and not rock solid. That's not true! I like stale raspberry scones, and you know very well about that! Sigh.)

-

-Chocolate: Moony's indulgences.

(That's right, they are. If anyone dares to touch them…arrrr. That was pitiful, Moony. Besides, we've already gotten into them years ago. WHAT? I was saving them up, you two insufferable pricks!)

-

-Chiropractor: Er, what?

(Sigh. He should've taken Muggle Studies. And for what reason? So he would know what a chiropractor is! I'm in it, and I don't know what a chirey-tractor is. Honestly, Padfoot, the writing's right there in front of you! How can you spell it wrong? Besides, you never pay attention in Muggle Studies, so I wouldn't be surprised that you didn't know it. So, what is it? Never mind.)

-

-Chipmunk: Cute, fuzzy animal.

(Those cute little streaks that run around like they're on crack? Lovely little creatures! Oh, dear. It seems that Padfoot knows a bit too much, eh? You did hide his stash of 'special' powder, did you? I hope so, Moony, I do hope so. WHEEEE, CHIPPERY MUNKS! Hah! Er…maybe not.)

-

-Cookies: Stars.

(That was rather random. Stars? Cookies? Cookies shaped like stars? Star-shaped cookies? Stop it, Prongsie, you're confusing me. Er, we'll leave it at that.)

-

-Most Embarrassing Moment: Ooh, I think it'll have to be that time I let out this huge, massively watery fart in the Great Hall in front of everyone. Even worse, James was experimenting with the Sonorus spell and the sound of my squeaky, high-pitched, and liquidy fart could be heard all around the room…

(Ahh, that was so hilarious! I'm very glad I was practicing at that time and place. Simply lovely! Agreed, I've never laughed so hard in my life. Truth to be told, that was one of the most disturbing moments I have ever had to endure in my life. But funny. BAHAHA, it just makes me laugh every time I think of it!)

-

-Murdered Anyone Lately: Er, I dunno. I think I squished a water bug with my purple high heel (it matched my hair) when I was frolicking outside, looking for purple-colored flowers. I'll hold a funeral for it later, honest.

(Merlin! That's where my favorite pair of heels went to…I was looking for them! Er, I'd rather not know that, Padfoot. Is this why we've had a numerous amount of pansies, mums, those weed flowers, and hydrangeas? Blerrrgh, those were dark times. My allergies were absolutely horrid. My heels! He better not have gotten mud on them, or I will be forced to make him lick them clean!)

-

-Anything Else You'd Like to Add: That was fun! Can I do it again?

(That sounded remotely wrong. I agree. Perverted-minded people. But you agree too, Moony. Hmm.)

-

Well, I think we've learned far too much about Wormtail in this particular chapter. Oh, I know. I'm still absolutely itching to know where he hid my purple heels! They had such a cute plaid pattern. Umm. Anyways, hopefully Moony's will be loads better and less disturbing. You can count on it, Prongs.

Turn the page!

Author's Note:

Loony Moony's next!

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