Marauders 101

By: neen

It's supposed to be funny…let's see how you guys like it!

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Part Four.

Marauders 101:

An Inside Guide to The Way of The Four Gods of Hoggity Hogwarts

II: Commentary

Name: Moony.

Ickle, ickle Moony! Hooray! Heh, can't wait to read the rest! Are we going to be mean to Moony? Ahem, of course not! The mere suggestion of it all, honestly…

-

Nicknames: Loony Moony. Moon Me! Mr. Moony. Moonster. Moony-poo. Ketchup. And of course, courtesy of Padfoot, Party Pooperanza.

You know, all of those nicknames are courtesy of me. Except for Mr. Moony. You gave him the 'Moon Me!' one too? Er, apparently so. I don't imagine I want to know what was happening at the time. Oh, it was actually very innocent. We were both taking showers in next-door shower rooms, and well, I decided to—No, it's quite all right, Padfoot, we don't need anything more that will make us doubt your sexual orientation at the moment. Harrumph. Oh, har! That was a funny sound. Very funny!

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Birthday: November 4th.

Ahh, that was a good birthday! The way us four ran around the full moon in—naked form, streaking about wildly. Simply lovely, I must say. Don't you agree? Ooh, I bet the girls really wanted to see that!

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Hair Color: Just a simple sandy blond/brown. It's hard to see the discrepancy between the two.

You know, I like his hair color. It's very mysterious. Mysterious? Pah! But, I do like it as well. It's got this nice feces mixed in with some pee type color. Har, har. At least he knows his hair color. True.

-

Eye Color: Blue. I think my answers are quite boring compared to Wormtail's, aren't they?

Hey, my eyes are blue too! You're not boring me, Moony, don't worry. Er, but you're boring me, so let's put some pizzazz into this commentary, shall we? How so, Padfoot? There is only so much people can say on the subject of eye colors. How about that the blue of Moony's eyes reminds you of those muggle toilet cleaning agents that turn the toilet water blue? Er…let's hope that Moony never reads this. Agreed.

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Height: 5' 7''. Okay, by now, I think I've been seriously boring you guys. My apologies.

HAH! I'm taller than you, Moony! Take that! HAH! I'm taller than both of you! Take that! HAH! I'm the shortest of all of you! Take that! Umm… Er…let's move on, shall we? Awkward

-

Favorite Color: Hmm, I do not necessarily like any of the color spectrum, but if I must choose, it would be blue. It has a rather calming effect.

Again, this expounds on my theory that Moony has a strong affection for toilet water cleaning things that make the water turn blue. I suspect he takes a book into the loo when he's preparing to pee or poop or whatever, but first, he examines the clarity and vividness of the blue. Then, with a sigh, he plops his buttocks down on the seat, starts reading, and begins his business. Oh, Merlin. Padfoot's really the writer of the group, isn't he? Yes, let's hope he never gets anything published for fear of the wrath of Moony.

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Favorite Food: Er, when I have a certain craving, it'd be steak. But when I'm not in that particular mood, it'd have to be chocolate. I know you are all staring at me thinking, chocolate is not a food. It's a snack or sweets or sugary substance. However, let me ask you a few questions. Does chocolate not give you calories? Calories, in turn give off heat energy to the body so it can carry out the processes needed for everyday living. Therefore, chocolate is a food, since food has calories. As a result, chocolate is a necessary and essential part of the human diet. I am passionately in the mind that chocolate needs its own food group.

I must passionately and fully agree with Moony on this one. Though the sneaky creature won't let me into his stock…Sorry to remind you, but we've already ate the whole lot last Christmas. Oh, right. Bummer.Do any of you know why Moony likes steak? I thought he was a vegetarian? Ahem. Well, there are certain matters… Wormtail, are you daft? Umm…no, but I like chocolate.

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Favorite Phrase: Eloquently speaking, it would be… "There isn't anything stuffed mushrooms can't do." Just kidding. It's "But when I'm talking in conversation, it would be, 'arrogant prats'. Do not let Padfoot read that line, or else he will launch into the 'Moony's phrase of the day!'.

I've gone blind! Did Moony not write anything in this subject? I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING! Padfoot, calm down. Moony does run out of things to say, right, Wormtail? Er, but there's so much writing—not there, so hmm, Moony really didn't have anything to say, eh? Oh. I like stuffed mushrooms too. What? Where did that come from? Er, nothing, Padfoot. Let's continue.

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Favorite Sport: I suppose Quidditch, though I don't play it much.

Best sport in the world! Agreed! Nothing else can replace the exhilaration and adrenaline you feel rushing through your very body than the extreme sport of broomsticks and balls. Merlin, that sounded so wrong. Please, Padfoot, contain yourself. Padfoot's weird. But, Quidditch is great!

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Pets: I have a very badly behaved rabbit. He's such a 'furry little problem.'

Har, oh yes he does! I believe it was I, who gave him the—er, term. You bit him? He never told us that! You're one too! No, I am NOT a RABBIT. I just gave him the phrase, 'furry little problem'. Pricks.

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Piercings: Not that I'm aware of…though Padfoot probably has pierced something of mine while I was asleep.

Heh, how does he know that I pierced his left buttock? You WHAT? I think there's something that Padfoot should tell us about…I agree. STRONGLY agree. Do tell. Well, you see…it was a dark and stormy night, and it was thundering quite loudly, and I was scared. Scared so much that I had to hold a needle to keep my nerves down. Then lightning struck, and I yelped, ran across the dorm floor to the other bunk at the opposite side (which was Moony's, mind you), and BAM! I stuck the needle into his left buttock. That was quite a story. Interesting. That's funny…because I had the same problem before! And it was my left buttock! Padfoot, are you sure…? Er, keep it down for me, will you? I have a feeling it might not be Moony's I pierced…Oh really? Whose was it? Ahem.

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Tattoos: I'm afraid I don't want a maniac to carve something into any part of my body, thanks.

Har, this will be my next project. What project? Give dear Moony a rebellious tattoo. Oh Merlin. Knowing Padfoot, it's going to be a sexual organ or something. How right you are! Moony better go into hiding…

-

Broken Any Bones: Yes. Padfoot's quite rough sometimes. The canine prick.

Oho! Well, yes, I do suppose I'm rough sometimes. Padfoot, if Moony was here…he would wipe that lecherous look off your face with his foot and attempt to explain that he did not mean rough like that, and it would be an abuse to the word 'rough'. Which foot, Prongs? Er, I dunno. Probably his right? Ah, that's all right, that's his weak one. I'll live.

-

Been Shot/Stabbed: Loads of times. When the people you hang around with include Padfoot and Prongs, you get tested a lot for future pranks. It's a dangerous life I lead.

Poor Moony. It does seem that he has to contribute a lot to the group, doesn't he? Yeah, I've shot a Dungbomb at him once. Nasty occurrence. And I've stabbed him in the eye with an umbrella. Which prank did we need an umbrella for? Yeah, I don't remember that one. I like umbrellas. Is there something wrong with liking pink, frilled umbrellas? Hmm? Er, quite possibly. Especially pink, frilled ones. How come you don't like lilac ones? They're quite enjoyable. Erm.

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Girlfriend: I am not gay. However, I do not go out with anyone. Perhaps one day, you will find out why.

Oh, this is so tragic! I wish he didn't bring this up! Yeah, that is quite sad. Though people should accept him as a w—woman? He's not a woman, you prat, Wormy! Padfoot, are you crying? Well, yes! It's just a sad story, isn't it? He can't be with anyone because he's a woman—I mean a wimp—I mean a weirdo. Padfoot, stop while you can, because Moony is shooting us odd looks from the other side of the room. Right.

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Likes To: Play around with dogs, stags, and rats. It's quite fun instead of being alone all the time. I also like to read, and yes I'm a dork, but I love to learn about new magic. There's something fascinating about using a wand..

Hah! He's a DORK! Weren't you just feeling sorry for him ten seconds ago? Ten seconds is a long time, Prongs. Padfoot has a really short attention span. HE LOVES US! He likes to play with us! Honestly, Padfoot, you say the most suggestive things. Hehe.

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Favorite Marauder: Oh dear. Must I choose? Well, I'd have to say, Prongs. He's usually the most level-headed, excluding me, and he does strain quite a bit to make Lily notice him. Padfoot, I am going to say, can be a tad bit annoying. Funny, yes, but quite irritating at times. Wormtail…is too quiet. I don't really notice much about him. Correct me if I'm wrong, Wormtail.

AHEM. Agreed. What's this bit about me being annoying? I'm so loveable and adorable, it's maddening! What's this, I say? Yeah, I'm a bit quiet, aren't I? Moony is officially off his rocker! I am NOT annoying. Irritating and infuriating, yes, but most definitely not annoying! Don't they all mean the same thing? Well, I happen to like 'i' words better. Oh.

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Funniest Marauder: Padfoot. He does deliver the best lines, although he tends to act stupid most of the time.

Sorry if I mentioned that Moony was off his rocker. HE IS NOT OFF HIS ROCKER. Except for the last bit. Please excuse Padfoot, as he is a bit bipolar. What's that? He's just a bit…off. I am ON, thank you very much. Right.

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Prettiest Marauder: Seeing as none of us are girls (though I admit, sometimes I wonder about Padfoot and his liking of heels…Wormtail as well), I will say no one.

That's a fair reason. Though I too, wonder constantly about the two…Wormtail didn't have any problems putting me down as the prettiest. Harrumph. Moony, you prick. Yeah, I put down Padfoot as prettiest because he looks really nice in that tight red venus-cut dress he has and the plaid purple heels. Erm…THIS is why we wonder.

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Most Handsome Marauder: Because I am straight, and do not wish to have accusations hurled at me for thinking one Marauder is more handsome than the other, I will also omit this question.

THIS IS MOST CERTAINLY EVIDENCE THAT MOONY IS INSECURE! How so, Padfoot? He does not trust that he is manly enough to admit that I am the hottest of us four. Just because you forget to turn on the fan every time does not necessarily mean you're the hottest of us four, Padfoot. Everyone has slightly different body temperatures. Really? Prat! You know what I meant.

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Loudest Marauder: Padfoot. I am sorry to say that his raucous roars and shouting have caused partial deafness in my left ear.

Tehee. You know that I must make myself clear at all times! Obnoxious would be the more fitting term. Is this why I have to keep repeating things to Moony since I sit to the left of him in Charms? Quite possibly, Wormtail. Quite possibly. Nonsense! He hears me all right every time! That's because one, you sit to the RIGHT of you all the time, and you're probably worsening that ear as well, and two, your voice is like a whale's mating call. You can't miss it, and it's unmistakable.

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Craziest Marauder: It seems that Padfoot is clearly the lucky winner once more. There is nothing that Padfoot wouldn't suggest or do.

Quite right he is! Seeing as I've had this experience myself, Padfoot, you indeed are the craziest. Congratulations!

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Most Shy: Wormtail.

Yeah, I guess so. Yep. Say, Wormtail, have you even talked to a girl before? A girl? You mean, a real girl? No, he means the fake one you keep under your bed. Oh. Because I've only talked to my mum. And your mum too, Prongs. Sigh. He's gone, that one.

-

Most Loving: I am not the most loving creature inhabiting this surface, but judging out of us four Marauders and seeing that they care almost nothing about wasting parchment or recycling plastic, I would say me.

Moony, it's all right. I know it isn't our fault we have to live with such filthy, disgraceful people that don't give an inkling about the great Mother Earth. I, however, care greatly about parchment and plastic. You mean, you care about parchment so much that you decided to chuck a huge roll into the fireplace after you got mad over not being able to write a good love letter to Evans? Would burning plastic and breathing in its fumes to see if you would choke or turn blue by inhaling the toxic fumes be considered caring greatly about plastic? Shut up, you lot.

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Most Understanding: Me, I suppose, since no one else seems this willing to give out free advice. Though no one takes them, really.

I CARE, MOONY! I TAKE YOUR ADVICE, EVEN IF NO ONE ELSE (AHEM, PRONGS) DOES! You're so understanding, Moony. I do too take his advice! Look, I even wrote Lily like he told me to. Yeah, but he didn't tell you to add in 'Lily, let's go shag senselessly in that empty cupboard over there. I know it's not roomy, but at least it's spider-free' in your letter to her. Oh. That might explain why she hadn't written back yet. Sigh.

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Most Boring: Sigh. Me, I think. I rarely make people laugh, since I'm so serious. Sorry.

Aww, Moony, you do joke sometimes. And they're quite funny. Yeah, at least you say stuff. Unlike me. Aww.

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Richest: Er, I'd say Prongs now, since Padfoot just got chucked out of his house…that was a sad time. He's still quite rich with his uncle's inheritance, I believe. (Don't let Padfoot read that, please.)

AHH, I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING AGAIN! WHY HAVE I GONE TEMPORARILY BLIND? Er, hurry Wormtail, let's write down our comments before the spell wears off. That was a really depressing time. I remember Padfoot looking so…happy. Er, yeah, that was a bit weird. But, he and his parents were never on good terms, so, I guess it was a happy time for him, eh?

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Most Athletic: Prongs. He does fly around every day and work out for at least three hours, so. Maybe lifting a couple of weights (one hundred pounds) each night for five hundred times will do the trick, Padfoot. I know how you like to think you're more athletic than Prongs, but..

Too bad Padfoot's not blinded to this question. Though it'd do him some good to learn the truth. I'm not the only one who thinks you have some pudge, Padfoot. You're still good-looking though. I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE INSULTED IN MY LIFE! TWO DAYS IN A ROLL. AND I WORK OUT EVERY DAY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I THINK EVERYONE NEEDS SOME VISION TESTS AND SEE THAT I HAVE ZERO PUDGE! It seems that it's only enraged him and caused him to fall into more delusional thinking. Sigh. Will he ever find out? One day, Wormy, one day.

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Most Cocky: There is a reason why I say 'arrogant prats'. The two 'P's of our group. Not that I'm naming anyone, of course..

That's not me, right? I'm a 'W'. Lucky, lucky Wormtail. I am COCKy, and proud. At least we HAVE cocks. Harrumph. Though I am not necessarily happy with this answer of Moony's, I will not resort to immature comments like the previous person has just done. Prongs, you're supposed to be on my side, cock buddy! And that is why.

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Biggest Sex Icon: I am not saying any names, in case some certain people get another dangerous swelling of the head region.

He means me. It's okay, Moony, I know you're quite insecure about yourself, but I promise I won't tell anyone that you think I'm sexy and that you know girls want to shag me so inappropriately that I won't say anymore. Thank Merlin. As if we needed any more things to cause us to heave up our breakfast contents. Speaking of breakfast, I wonder what I had…

-

What Do You Think About When You Hear…

Fruit: Strawberries covered with chocolate.

Very seductive, Moony! You're learning. That sounds good. I meant what Moony wrote, not what Padfoot just said. I think they're quite yummy, especially if they're chilled.

-

Foghorn: Quite similar to the sound of Padfoot erupting flatulence from his lower back region.

Oh, har! See, Moony, you're not boring at all…quite on the contrary. Does he mean those rippling farts that Padfoot makes when he's asleep? The ones that I'm sure people can hear for miles around and causes the room to shake violently? I'm sure he does. THIS IS ABOMINABLE! I do not make foghorn-sounding farts that induce earthquakes. I hope.

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Firetruck: Ahem, a muggle red truck that comes to the aid of people regarding fire-created disasters. I do not see anything in bold, so…AHEM.

Ever the innocent one, our Moony. F-U-C—Because this is for girls' eyes, we will not allow Padfoot to write out a curse word. That's clever. The bolding of the words, I mean.

-

Food: Like I said before, chocolate.

Agreed! Yeah, chocolate heals the soul. Wow, Prongs, that was DEEP. Way down there. Thanks. It's all due to chocolate.

-

Flying: Oddly enough, James and his prized broom zooming around the Quidditch pitch.

Me and my infuriatingly great Quidditch skills. Pillock. I'll whack you with a Bludger the next time we have practice. I still can't believe you lot think I have PUDGE at the sides of my body! PUDGE. Prongs and his great Snitching skills. It's catching a snitch, not Snitching. I am not a snitch.

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Flaming Fire: Padfoot is a pyromaniac. I do not think I need say anymore.

Is he referring to the fact that I almost burned down half our dormitory that one day? Or the one when I made McGonagall's hair singe and caused her to shoot fire from her mouth? All of them, I believe. Oh. Or maybe that one where I was playing with those muggle matches and then I got mad, pointed my wand at them, and burned off all my nostril hair? Probably that one too. Padfoot, there's at least ninety hundred more incidents. Funnily enough, I think you're right!

-

Fart: Padfoot has mastered the many different sounds these things can make simply by coming out of his buttocks. He'll tell the story of how he noticed that on different types of surfaces…I'll say no more. Sigh.

Oho! Oh, Merlin, how right he is. I know, his farts are smelly too. They drift on over to where Moony and I sleep, and it's absolutely horrid to wake up to such a smell. ANYWAYS, I will kindly explain the Fart Lesson. If you fart on something soft and cushiony, like a pillow, the sound is muffled and subdued. If you want to be prominent and make your joys heard, use a hard, smooth surface, like freshly polished wood. Then BOOM. And make sure to eat an egg-salad sandwich to make your farts extra smelly! Works just as well as a Dungbomb. Eurgh. I'm sorry to say that I've been at the receiving end of this…and it holds true.

-

Feudalism: A political and economic system of Europe from the 9th to about the 15th century, based on the holding of all land in fief or fee and the resulting relation of lord to vassal and characterized by homage, legal and military service of tenants, and forfeiture.

Er, I thought that feudalism had to do with fighing or something. Guess not? Hmm, interesting term. Moony sounds just like a dictionary, doesn't he? Ohh, maybe he swallowed one! I remember something squarish sticking out of his gullet one day. Hmm. I hope that was just a weird-looking Adam's apple. Me too, Prongs. Me too.

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Flagpole: It reminds me of the time Padfoot saw one of these in a muggle town and proceeded to fly up there and sit on it. The poor muggles…

That was fun! Though it hurt little Paddy quite a bit. Ouch. Remind me to never, ever let Padfoot near a flagpole again. Sure thing. That was traumatic, I say!

-

Fat: Padfoot. I can see the look already. Please excuse me as I bolt out of the room as soon as I have finished this.

FAT! FAT! JUST WHO IS HE TRYING TO CALL FAT? I THOUGHT WE HAD THIS CONVERSATION ALREADY? Er, calm down, Padfoot. It's just that Pad-'foot' looks a bit like fat. Kind of. Not really, Prongs. Well, I tried. FAT! HMMPTH.

-

Most Embarrassing Moment: Mm, not sure. Probably the one being chased out of the library for bringing some chocolate to eat inside while thumbing through books. I can't live without the two requirements of my life…why do they deny me so?

Aww, poor Moony. It's all right. You can have all the chocolates and read all you want in our dorm room. That's a weird rule, about chocolate in the library. Hmpth. I hope Moony chokes on his chocolate. You'll get around, Padfoot.

-

Murdered Anyone Lately: Sometimes I have bouts of impulsiveness thrown upon me that tell me I would very much like to murder Padfoot. But I haven't. Yet.

I WANT TO MURDER SOMEONE RIGHT NOW TOO, MOONY. CAN YOU GUESS WHO? Ah, but remember the good things he's said about you? How you were…erm…funny? Oh yeah. And you both are avid supporters of chocolate, right? Right. MOONY, I LOVE YOU! That was quick. Yep.

-

Anything Else You'd Like to Add: Er, that was quite random, I must admit. I hope I will find myself not brutally murdered and clawed beyond recognition by the time the rest of the Marauders are through with the commentary business. Wish me luck.

Come on, Moony, give me a hug! Um, that was a drastic change in moods. Weird. He might have mood swings too! Hmm, possibly. MOONY!

-

That was…CUTE! Overall, I don't think we were too mean. Yeah, poor Moony. By the time Padfoot stops slurping all over him, it'll be nightfall. Eurgh, is that green slobber? Mm, I think so.

Slurp!

Author's Note:

Well, I updated! Next will be SIRIUS! Woot. Har, this will be a fun one to write…I have something special planned for you guys.

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