Marauders 101
By: neen
It's supposed to be funny…let's see how you guys like it!
Reviews, please.
Thanks!
Part Six.
Marauders 101:
An Inside Guide to The Way of The Four Gods of Hoggity Hogwarts
III: Padfoot
Yes, it's me, the very sexy-licious Marauder that you've been waiting for, and at last, here I am! I am bold, reckless, dashingly handsome, and that tall, dark, and handsome lover you've been looking for. Your search has yielded fruit. I am here!
Anyways. I'm a great Quidditch player without any hints of PUDGE at my sides, thanks. Though I may act 'stupid' and immature, I am quite intelligent. I also have characteristics that of a dog's. Let me explain: dogged and doggone cute! I also have a keen sense of hearing, so yes, I can hear that bum you're scratching, Wormtail. Pray stop it. I have a fetish for dresses and heels, and I am manly enough to say so. Unlike some people. Har.
Let the fun begin!
Name: Padfoot! (Yes, including the exclamation mark.)
Nicknames: Seeing as I'm the only creative person that can think of great nicknames, I have only four: Paddy, Pads, Pad, and Mr. Padfoot.
Birthday: December 13th. Do not combine my presents with Christmas, or I will be forced to gnaw your hair off with my teeth. And it's in such a lovely style. Don't tempt me.
Hair Color: Black. It's a beautiful ebony black with a lovely shininess to it (NOT LIKE SNIVELLUS'S, WHICH IS OILY. There is a difference). That's because I shampoo twice, and condition the ends of my hair before rinsing my hair through three times. It is styled to perfection, and falls with a type of elegance that I'm afraid dear Prongs will never get his hair to do. Heh!
Eye Color: Dark gray. Look deep now. You are feeling sleepy…oh, very sleepy. Now repeat after me: "I am in love with Padfoot. He is deliciously hot." Entranced yet? I thought so.
Height: 5' 9.5". Trust me, that half inch goes a long way. It's helped me run away faster from the destructive wrath of Mr. Prongs. Yeowch.
Favorite Color: I like pink. All shades of pink. Pink is a man's color. Rar!
Favorite Food: Mm. I like a lot of things, actually. Er, I like pineapples. And stale raspberry scones. There's just something so solid about them that I like. I mean, they're really delectable. Especially if you stow them underneath your bed for about three days next to a moldy, smelly, green sock that used to be white. Try it sometime!
Favorite Phrase: Wormy took my most used one, but since I'm a highly innovative person, "I'm sexy. You're sexy. Let's shag." And yes, I made that up in less than thirteen seconds. Good, eh?
Favorite Sport: QUIDDITCH! And since I practice every bloody day, I do NOT have pudge!
Pets: What are you talking about? I am a pet. Yours, if you'd like!
Piercings: Left earlobe. Just kidding. That'd be wicked, though. Except that Prongs would probably do something like stick his finger through my ear hole and infect it for five days because he didn't wash his hands after wiping his poo off his butt or something similar, I'm sure.
Tattoos: It's been my life-long wish to have a unicorn with shooting stars in the background on my manly abs region. Wouldn't that be sexy?
Broken Any Bones: Loads. I don't think there's any bone in my body that I haven't broken.
Been Shot/Stabbed: Of course! And on a daily basis. It's great fun.
Girlfriend: What's 'girlfriend'? I have a new girl every day—even hour! Currently it's…I forgot her name. That's bad, isn't it? Well, it's all right, because girls like to be called 'sweetie' or 'love' or whatnot, so it's all fine. We have it so easy.
Likes To: Eat, sleep, frolic around in my play dress in a repeating order. It's quite nice to have a breeze around your privates and run through the lush prairie grass and get some crazy pinching bug up your butt. Hurts like hell.
Favorite Marauder: Prongs is my favorite. Not that I don't love the rest of you guys. But, I've known Prongs since we were in diapers. Probably even before that. Which means that Prongs' parents were probably going at it about the same time my parents were—eurgh. Ew. Bad thoughts.
Funniest Marauder: ME! I'm so adorably funny, and I say the weirdest things. Like, that toaster's doing some kinky things to that toast! Better go check it outCheck it out! Heh, I crack myself up.
Prettiest Marauder: Me. And this is not only when I'm in heels and a dress, thank you. I'm pretty all the time. And I like how my eyelashes curl naturally. And they're soo nice and long! I don't even have to use mascara most of the time.
Most Handsome Marauder: Me. Prongs has that athletic guy thing going on, and Moony has the nice guy look…and Wormtail, well—Wormtail's just him. But me? I have the looks that make people go crazy for me.
Loudest Marauder: MEEEEEEE! Hopefully, everyone in the three-mile radius could hear me. Actually, I dunno, maybe I better shout again, because I don't think that bloke with pillows up his ears heard me. Oh wait, that's just Moony.
Craziest Marauder: Uh, me. I'm such an inspiring and creative person. By the way, did you know that licking jello mix can make you run faster? It's been proven…by me.
Most Shy: Me, hah, just kidding. Far from it. WORMY!
Most Loving: I'm extremely loving. Wink. Psssh, I beat Moony any day.
Most Understanding: Moony. I think I'm going to go over and give him an extra big hug. He's the only one that—sobs—understands me.
Most Boring: Er, probably Wormtail. Sorry, mate.
Richest: Well, it sadly enough, used to be me, but now that I'm finally out of the madhouse, it's definitely Prongs. YES!
Most Athletic: As much as I hate to admit it, Prongs is a wee bit more lean than me. Probably one-tenth of an ounce more lean. Hmpth.
Most Cocky: Me! Like I said before, WHO HAS A COCK, HUH? WHO HAS ONE?
Biggest Sex Icon: Uh, me! Who do you think has shagged the most out of anyone in the Marauders? Actually, we've all done the same amount. Which is…I'll leave you to figure it out. Winks very suggestively. Keep in mind that this is including Wormtail. Hint, hint.
What Do You Think About When You Hear…
Girls: Hot, sexy, drool.
Giraffe: Tall thingies. Really tall. Munch on leaves. Live near big gray things called ellyfaints.
Gorilla: How come these animals all live in the safari? Weird. Big ape thing. Reminds me of Prongs. Heh, kidding.
Ghost: Smoky, transparent thingy. Or, if you want to be like Professor Pippowaddles, who claims it's 'one who leaves an imprint of their soul to walk upon the earth.' Psh.
Grass: Rhymes with as—just kidding. Um, green stuff. Poky. Makes this weird high-pitched whistling thing if you blow really hard. And if you sniff it up…well. You'll see what happens.
Gay: Not me! Someone who likes pink, frilly umbrellas and wears womanly items would be homosexual. But that is excluding me, of course. OF COURSE.
Ginger: My favorite scent of lotion to use on the back of my elbows and knees is called Ginger Citrus Lotion. Smells divine! Here, have some.
Guppy: A cute little fish that smells a bit funny. Well, I suppose it would smell funny if it had to swim in all that nasty food remains, feces (poop), urine (pee), and weird stuff. Bad life, those fishes have.
Great: Friend. By the way, in case you didn't have any friends, here's a good tip on how to make a friend. Grab a flower pot or heavy object and chuck it out of your window. Wait for it to hit someone, and once it does, rush out, and say, "HEY! I'M (insert name here)!" That's how Wormtail and us met! Great memories.
Glaciers: Bad memory. Once, Prongs got really, really mad at me and somehow transported me to Antarctica, where there were millions of glaciers, for a whole day. I did make friends with some penguins though. (Yes, with the chucking method! It works, I told you.) Except the polar bears weren't as friendly when I chucked blocks of ice at them. Feisty things, they are. I suspect it's the blubber in them.
Most Embarrassing Moment: Me? Embarrassed? Bahah! That's funny.It's Padfoot. I don't ever get embarrassed. Oh, all right. There was that one time…I sneezed all over a girl when we were snogging. That was pretty bad. Especially 'cause it was the wet kind. The one that makes you think a massive typhoon's coming, and you protect yourself by jabbing an umbrella in the other person's eye. Which, is what happened to me. And that might explain why I've been having bouts of blindness. Hmm.
Murdered Anyone Lately: Um, I dunno. I can't recall, really. Moony says I sleepwalk a lot and wander off and come back with red, drippy stuff on my hands, but I've smelt it before, and I think it's just ketchup. Hopefully, anyways…
Anything Else You'd Like to Add: Oh, I've always wanted to be a writer. I'm going to post my story that I wrote on my ideal, heroic death:
&START
The Highly Glorious Death of Sirius Orion Black
By: Sirius Orion Black
WHAM. An awful sounding thud hit the ground sixty-four feet below.
Sirius Black, who was riding on his broomstick most handsomely and smoothly just mere minutes before, had fallen—plummeting--most tragically into the freezing lake down beneath. The culprit that had injured him most grievously was a horrid Bludger.
It was too late. Far too late.
Bleeding quite profusely, Sirius's head bobbed up a bit as he struggled to live. He clawed frantically at the freezing, rippling water. His hair hung in damp parts as his eyes closed shut with great pain.
"I am going! Farewell! Evil will never prevail in the hands of good," He announced dramatically, desperately trying to breathe in.
After agonizing minutes where hoards of girls swooned at the gruesome and brave sight of him, and cried hard in vats of hot, salty tears, dear Sirius Orion Black had gone on—to a place where he would never feel the everlasting pains of human life again.
Floating lifelessly, tearful close friends known collectively as the Marauders went in to retrieve his body. His blood had spilt, clouding the nearby surface with dark crimson blood. Thousands of girls mourned the direness of it all and sobbed uncontrollably on each other's shoulders for comfort. They would never see that charming smile again…
A tragic, beautiful hero, done in by horrible circumstances…he will live on forever in our minds. And we shall never forget that flirtatious wink that took all of our hearts.
&Fin.
-
You know, Padfoot, you're really quite the descriptive writer. Thank you. Can't you just imagine girls generations on from now crying so dearly at this page? I must admit, that story of mine was rather good. That was really touching, Padfoot. You're so brave. Thanks, Wormy. Padfoot, you prat. James, are you crying? Of course I'm not. Your story's just really good. Besides Moony just poked his finger in my eye. Aww, I love you too, Prongs. Prat. You big, insolent prat.
Farewell until next time!
Author's Note:
At parts of Sirius's self-written death story, I started feeling sad, because his death was never properly explained in the fifth book. Sigh. I miss Sirius so.
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