Marauders 101

By: neen

It's supposed to be funny…let's see how you guys like it!

Reviews, please.

Thanks!

Part Seven.

Marauders 101:

An Inside Guide to The Way of The Four Gods of Hoggity Hogwarts

III: Commentary

Name: Padfoot! (Yes, including the exclamation mark.)

Sigh. Padfoot must always be so stubborn. Yeah, did I tell you about that time he chucked a bottle of some smoking potion at me because I didn't put Mr. Padfoot with the exclamation mark at the end when I wrote him a note? You guys still write notes? Well, it was a matter of life or death. Meaning it was about Lily's latest hairstyle. I, ahem, don't recall. But it was most likely about her new shoes.

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Nicknames: Seeing as I'm the only creative person that can think of great nicknames, I have only four: Paddy, Pads, Pad, and Mr. Padfoot.

I happen to think that Pads and Pad are great nicknames. It's great to yell it out across the room and see the girls looking around madly for fallen out feminine products from their purses. Har, har. Haha. Ever the mature one. I know.

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Birthday: December 13th. Do not combine my presents with Christmas, or I will be forced to gnaw your hair off with my teeth. And it's in such a lovely style. Don't tempt me.

This was a bad choice I made. But I bought him a bloody broomstick! The latest model! It cost me exactly 481 Galleons, thank you. Keep tabs, Prongs? Tsk, tsk. Such a parsimonious friend you are. That orange fruit thingy? That's an odd way to describe Prongs. No, Wormtail, that's persimmon. Parsimonious means stingy. Oh. Ahem, I'm still here. Right.

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Hair Color: Black. It's a beautiful ebony black with a lovely shininess to it (NOT LIKE SNIVELLUS'S, WHICH IS OILY. There is a difference). That's because I shampoo twice, and condition the ends of my hair before rinsing my hair through three times. It is styled to perfection, and falls with a type of elegance that I'm afraid dear Prongs will never get his hair to do. Heh!

Is there anyone else besides me that constantly worries about Padfoot's sexual gender and/or orientation? Not just constantly, Moony. Always. Agreed. Wait, what's so bad about conditioning your hair? You condition your hair? Mm, perhaps Padfoot's not the only one I'm worried about. It's all right, Moony. You know that I'm never like that. Besides, I like my disheveled hair. Even if a pigeon tried to lay an egg in it. Argh.

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Eye Color: Dark gray. Look deep now. You are feeling sleepy…oh, very sleepy. Now repeat after me: "I am in love with Padfoot. He is deliciously hot." Entranced yet? I thought so.

I am so glad he hasn't tried to use this on me. I would be very, very worried and frankly, disturbed out of my mind. Agreed. I'm never looking at him straight in the eye again. His eyes are a pretty gray though. Erm. Seems like he got someone.

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Height: 5' 9.5". Trust me, that half inch goes a long way. It's helped me run away faster from the destructive wrath of Mr. Prongs. Yeowch.

Has someone been practicing unneeded violence on a certain person? I'm disappointed in you, Prongs. Well, it is that black-haired prat we're talking about. Nasty person. Probably infested with fleas. I don't doubt it. Maybe if we're lucky, he'll snuff it. Now, Prongs, that's a bit harsh.This is Padfoot we're talking about! Our dear friend and fellow Marauder! No, Wormtail. We're talking about dear old Snivelly, that foul, rotting piece of log. Oh, I was a bit confused there.

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Favorite Color: I like pink. All shades of pink. Pink is a man's color. Rar!

Erm, passionate about this, isn't he? Quite passionate. Like I said before, lilac rules over pink. Let's keep going…

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Favorite Food: Mm. I like a lot of things, actually. Er, I like pineapples. And stale raspberry scones. There's just something so solid about them that I like. I mean, they're really delectable. Especially if you stow them underneath your bed for about three days next to a moldy, smelly, green sock that used to be white. Try it sometime!

Yes, I found out about this particular habit of his one day while looking around for my sock that I threw under the bed after a particularly sweaty Quidditch practice. It was…rather troubling. I can only imagine. So Padfoot wrapped his scone in your sweaty sock? Apparently so. I'm never wearing white socks again if I can manage it. Yes, gray socks covered with mold are less green, I think.

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Favorite Phrase: Wormy took my most used one, but since I'm a highly innovative person, "I'm sexy. You're sexy. Let's shag." And yes, I made that up in less than thirteen seconds. Good, eh?

That's really good as well! I wonder where he gets these bursts of inspiration from…Well, if you like stale scones wrapped in moldy socks, purple high heels, form-fitting red dresses, conditioning your hair, and claiming you have no pudge, then I think you'll find inspiration soon enough. Well said, Moony! That just about summed up the very interesting habits of Mr. Padfoot. My bad, Mr. Padfoot! Well, I like heels and conditioning my hair—that's a start, isn't it? … … …

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Favorite Sport: QUIDDITCH! And since I practice every bloody day, I do NOT have pudge!

Hah, hah. That one's the Queen of the NileEr, what? Queen of the Nile? Padfoot? Apart from having surreal feminine characteristics, he is also in denial. Hey, that sounds oddly like…Queen of Denial. Yes, good job, Wormtail. Thanks!

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Pets: What are you talking about? I am a pet. Yours, if you'd like!

Ugh. Sickening thoughts. Sigh. Why does he always talk so? I can only be glad that I'm assuming he's talking to girls. I think he is. Hopefully.

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Piercings: Left earlobe. Just kidding. That'd be wicked, though. Except that Prongs would probably do something like stick his finger through my ear hole and infect it for five days because he didn't wash his hands after wiping his poo off his butt or something similar, I'm sure.

I'm pretty sure I would because this is without a doubt, another of his feminine traits popping out. It seems that it worsens with each of these survey thingies. Agreed. Very strongly agreed. Prongs, that would be unhygienic. Unhygienic my arse, anything is clean for Padfoot. True..

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Tattoos: It's been my life-long wish to have a unicorn with shooting stars in the background on my manly abs region. Wouldn't that be sexy?

He is hopeless. Why do we even associate ourselves with him, Moony? We must be going bonkers, honestly. Frankly, I have no idea. Perhaps we're being drugged, blackmailed, or bribed. With what? I didn't get any Galleons out of this! I'm sure Padfoot has his ways. Ohh, that's a dark look on your face, Prongs! Of course it is, I have to look a bit spooky. Oh.

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Broken Any Bones: Loads. I don't think there's any bone in my body that I haven't broken.

The only non-scary comment so far. This is amazing. I know. I don't think it was Padfoot writing that. I think he paid someone to write it. I dunno, that was mighty fast of him. Wormtail, you prat, we know. It's just bloody weird of him to say something so… banal. Banana canal? It means ordinary or boring, Wormtail.

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Been Shot/Stabbed: Of course! And on a daily basis. It's great fun.

I'm afraid that Padfoot is a masochist. A who? One who enjoys pain or humiliation voluntarily. That's quite the term for Padfoot. And a strong feminist at heart.

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Girlfriend: What's 'girlfriend'? I have a new girl every day—even hour! Currently it's…I forgot her name. That's bad, isn't it? Well, it's all right, because girls like to be called 'sweetie' or 'love' or whatnot, so it's all fine. We have it so easy.

Okay, I take that back. Not so much as a feminist. Girls all around will be tracking him down and killing him in his sleep for that one comment. Ouch. Padfoot is so…there's no exact word to describe him. Exactly. That's how bad he is.

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Likes To: Eat, sleep, frolic around in my play dress in a repeating order. It's quite nice to have a breeze around your privates and run through the lush prairie grass and get some crazy pinching bug up your butt. Hurts like hell.

I, unfortunately, have seen this sight before, and it has consequently burned out my retinas. Kidding, but it was a gruesome sight. Ooh, do tell! Well, after Padfoot (this pains me to use this particular verb..) pranced inside the dorm, he merely mooned me and asked me to rub some salve on his butt. Terrifying. I feel for you, Prongs. You have my utmost sympathy. Did you do it? I'm a gentleman! Of course I didn't. I just chucked it at his butt and told him to sod off. Well done. Nice!

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Favorite Marauder: Prongs is my favorite. Not that I don't love the rest of you guys. But, I've known Prongs since we were in diapers. Probably even before that. Which means that Prongs' parents were probably going at it about the same time my parents were—eurgh. Ew. Bad thoughts.

That's sweet. Except I didn't really want the thought of my parents having sex in my head, thanks. Urgh, that perverted boy. Thankfully, I didn't know him before Hogwarts. That's a good thing, isn't it? Not just a good thing, Moony. You were blessed. How can you guys know each other when you're babies? Didn't Moony say that babies don't register long-term memories and stuff? That's odd. Sigh. Padfoot was exaggerating, Wormy. Don't fret your head about it. Okay.

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Funniest Marauder: ME! I'm so adorably funny, and I say the weirdest things. Like, that toaster's doing some kinky things to that toast! Better go check it outCheck it out! Heh, I crack myself up.

This is why I claim that Padfoot should be sent to the nearest asylum for a thorough checkup. I believe he got dropped on his head as an infant. I don't doubt it. He's an odd fellow. I think that he should talk to Professor Amelia Gayle. I have her address in my little book if he needs it. She works at the wizards asylum down in London. … … Great, Wormtail! Excellent. Er, yeah. I got it for him one day, you know. Oh, okay. Right you are, Wormtail.

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Prettiest Marauder: Me. And this is not only when I'm in heels and a dress, thank you. I'm pretty all the time. And I like how my eyelashes curl naturally. And they're soo nice and long! I don't even have to use mascara most of the time.

Okay, that's it. What? What are you going to do? Steal his mascara? Don't tell me you're changing too, Prongs. Course not. I'm just sending a news piece to the Daily Prophet with the headline of: Unstable Boy Who Should Undergo a Sex Change. You forgot 'immediately'. Right.

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Most Handsome Marauder: Me. Prongs has that athletic guy thing going on, and Moony has the nice guy look…and Wormtail, well—Wormtail's just him. But me? I have the looks that make people go crazy for me.

Hah, sure he does. I like to think that I'm a nice guy, though. You are Moony! Thanks, Wormtail. What about me? Er, well…Prongs? You're a really…wormy guy. Oh. Thanks.

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Loudest Marauder: MEEEEEEE! Hopefully, everyone in the three-mile radius could hear me. Actually, I dunno, maybe I better shout again, because I don't think that bloke with pillows up his ears heard me. Oh wait, that's just Moony.

Eurgh. My ear drums are still bleeding magnificently from that one. How does he raise his voice so loudly? Honestly, I can't imagine my voice that boisterous without having the 'Sonorus' spell. Yeah, that's pretty amazing.

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Craziest Marauder: Uh, me. I'm such an inspiring and creative person. By the way, did you know that licking jello mix can make you run faster? It's been proven…by me.

He's a wacky one. I don't doubt this at all. How come I'm the one that has to participate in these stupid things that Padfoot gets himself into?I dunno. You love him, Prongs. That was quite sappy…and please excuse me as I hurl all my lunch contents on your nice sandy blond hair. It has great volume. AHH! Prongs, you're becoming Padfoot! Merlin's beard! Hah, that distracted him.

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Most Shy: Me, hah, just kidding. Far from it. WORMY!

Everyone thinks so. Don't feel bad, Wormy. There's still my survey to write, and I might not put you down here. Really? Well, there's at least a 0.01 chance that I won't, so… Oh, okay. That's good. Thanks for giving me a chance, Prongs! Anytime, mate! Sigh. The poor person.

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Most Loving: I'm extremely loving. Wink. Psssh, I beat Moony any day.

Er, depending on what his definition is, I don't think I'm commenting on this one. Agreed, you might land yourself in a big puddle of bug juice. Why bug juice? It's some sticky business. Har.

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Most Understanding: Moony. I think I'm going to go over and give him an extra big hug. He's the only one that—sobs—understands me.

Schizophrenia, anyone? Bi-polar? I think all. And more. That can't be good. No, Wormtail, it can't.

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Most Boring: Er, probably Wormtail. Sorry, mate.

Again…so guys. Yeah, he's right. Oh. You're so insensitive, Prongs. You're not boring, Wormtail. You're just ordinary. It's good to be ordinary. Mmm hmm.

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Richest: Well, it sadly enough, used to be me, but now that I'm finally out of the madhouse, it's definitely Prongs. YES!

Hmm. Again, he's a bit touched in the head. More like a bit punched in the head.

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Most Athletic: As much as I hate to admit it, Prongs is a wee bit more lean than me. Probably one-tenth of an ounce more lean. Hmpth.

Ahem. About 10 times more lean, it seems like. Mr. I-Have-No-Pudge-Whatsoever. Hey, I was the one that coined that, wasn't I? Yes, you did. Great job! Excellent! Thanks!

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Most Cocky: Me! Like I said before, WHO HAS A COCK, HUH? WHO HAS ONE?

For very obvious reasons, I will refrain from commenting on this particular question in case I cannot overcome my laughter, which will most likely result in the breaking of my precious quill. Good choice, Moony. I think I will do that as well. Um, me too!

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Biggest Sex Icon: Uh, me! Who do you think has shagged the most out of anyone in the Marauders? Actually, we've all done the same amount. Which is…I'll leave you to figure it out. Winks very suggestively. Keep in mind that this is including Wormtail. Hint, hint.

I believe that he just suggested we had sexual intercourse at least forty-six times. The horror! Our names are soiled. That pillock. But I haven't had sex before. WORMTAIL! You just blatantly told everyone that each Marauder is a virgin! Oh, oops. Our names are really ruined. Sigh.

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What Do You Think About When You Hear…

Girls: Hot, sexy, drool.

Eloquent, isn't he? Quite. I'm surprised he can think of THREE things though. That's an improvement. Yeah, I would've thought of only two or something. Wormy, Wormy, Wormy. What will we ever do with you? I dunno. Just don't chuck me in a suit of armor, please.

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Giraffe: Tall thingies. Really tall. Munch on leaves. Live near big gray things called ellyfaints.

Oh, Merlin! Merlin, I have never been so scandalized in my life. ELLYFAINTS? Er, did he get the terms wrong again? ELEPHANTS! Is he daft or what? He is in Muggle Studies with me! It's Padfoot, Moony. Don't have too high expectations for him. You're right.

In and out. In and out. In and out. WHAT? I was telling him to breathe. Oh. It sounded slightly suggestive, which had me greatly alarmed. Me as well. Thank Merlin.

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Gorilla: How come these animals all live in the safari? Weird. Big ape thing. Reminds me of Prongs. Heh, kidding.

I am an ape? An APE? Remember what you told me. It's Padfoot we're talking about. Yeah, that's true. You're not mad, Prongs? Do I need to tell you to go 'in and— NO! That's quite fine, thanks. Okay!

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Ghost: Smoky, transparent thingy. Or, if you want to be like Professor Pippowaddles, who claims it's 'one who leaves an imprint of their soul to walk upon the earth.' Psh.

I can somehow imagine his face screwed up with annoyance as he wrote down that quote. Har, I remember that he kept bursting out in laughter at the start of the term when he had to address him. "Professor Pip—oh, HAH! PippoWADDLES! Oh, dearie me! That's the worst—har, har—name in the world!" Yeah, he got in loads of detentions for that one.

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Grass: Rhymes with as—just kidding. Um, green stuff. Poky. Makes this weird high-pitched whistling thing if you blow really hard. And if you sniff it up…well. You'll see what happens.

I have no frank idea who this odd person is. Who, Padfoot? What is this 'Padfoot' you speak of? Can it breathe? Ingest food? Snore? Speak? Dance with hula hoops? All of the above. Er…Interesting.

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Gay: Not me! Someone who likes pink, frilly umbrellas and wears womanly items would be homosexual. But that is excluding me, of course. OF COURSE.

All hail, Queen Cleopatra. Does this refer back to the 'Nile/Denial' thing? You're catching on rather quickly. Great job, Wormtail. Thanks!

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Ginger: My favorite scent of lotion to use on the back of my elbows and knees is called Ginger Citrus Lotion. Smells divine! Here, have some.

I was once brutally assaulted with this particular lotion. It's given me nightmares. What happened, Prongs? Talking about it might make you feel better. Well, it was a really sunny day, and after an exceedingly long Quidditch practice, my nose was peeling horribly. Well, someone happened to carry around a 10 kilogram bottle of lotion and decided to attack my nose with it. I had to endure three hours of it. Horrid. Did the talking help? Seeing as he is crying most bitterly, I think it just refreshed his memory and caused more trauma. Poor Prongs.

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Guppy: A cute little fish that smells a bit funny. Well, I suppose it would smell funny if it had to swim in all that nasty food remains, feces (poop), urine (pee), and weird stuff. Bad life, those fishes have.

I've seen him dunk his head into the toilet, so I suppose that fish bowls wouldn't smell nearly as bad as that. Oh, right! There was that one time Peter forgot to flush the toilet…and Padfoot ran over and promptly stuck his head in without looking. I remember the bloodcurdling screams. Yeah, they were horrible. I couldn't sleep right. Or maybe it was the fact that he chased with a paddle and kept whacking me so that I had bruises all over. Probably the latter. He's a rough one.

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Great: Friend. By the way, in case you didn't have any friends, here's a good tip on how to make a friend. Grab a flower pot or heavy object and chuck it out of your window. Wait for it to hit someone, and once it does, rush out, and say, "HEY! I'M (insert name here)!" That's how Wormtail and us met! Great memories.

I dunno if I should say this, but that kinda hurt. I can imagine so. Unfortunately, this is quite similar to how Padfoot and I met when we were little. He dropped a book on my head. It seems that I am the only one who's been lucked out. No, he did that to you too. He told me. His best one, he believes. Er, how come I don't remember this? Because, Moony, he threw a lead cauldron on your head during our very first Potions class. You were in the hospital for a week with a concussion. Yeah, I would be surprised if you did remember it.

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Glaciers: Bad memory. Once, Prongs got really, really mad at me and somehow transported me to Antarctica, where there were millions of glaciers, for a whole day. I did make friends with some penguins though. (Yes, with the chucking method! It works, I told you.) Except the polar bears weren't as friendly when I chucked blocks of ice at them. Feisty things, they are. I suspect it's the blubber in them.

I forgot how I did that, exactly. But I sure wish I could do this every day. McGonagall might be ticked off. She, oddly enough, has a soft spot for him. Yeah, he's brilliant at everything. Why didn't a polar bear gobble him up? Honestly. And aren't penguins carnivorous? I'm sure that Padfoot smells a bit like fish, with him plunging his fat head into aquariums. Very true.

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Most Embarrassing Moment: Me? Embarrassed? Bahah! That's funny.It's Padfoot. I don't ever get embarrassed. Oh, all right. There was that one time…I sneezed all over a girl when we were snogging. That was pretty bad. Especially 'cause it was the wet kind. The one that makes you think a massive typhoon's coming, and you protect yourself by jabbing an umbrella in the other person's eye. Which, is what happened to me. And that might explain why I've been having bouts of blindness. Hmm.

I was walking into the Common Room and happened to see this prized moment. It was hilarious. I can't believe I missed it! Me too! Oh, I replay it every time I need something to laugh at. Good guy you are, Moony.

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Murdered Anyone Lately: Um, I dunno. I can't recall, really. Moony says I sleepwalk a lot and wander off and come back with red, drippy stuff on my hands, but I've smelt it before, and I think it's just ketchup. Hopefully, anyways…

I worry. Sometimes he has a large butcher knife in his hand. Maybe he's just cutting up an extremely large hotdog that was drenched in ketchup. Would he be carrying around a suspicious black trash bag that has things sticking out that look oddly like human limbs? Er. Good question. I think I'm moving into the dorm room next door. Good thinking. I think we ALL should. Mass murderer! He'll get thrown into Azkaban before long, that one.

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Anything Else You'd Like to Add: Oh, I've always wanted to be a writer. I'm going to post my story that I wrote on my ideal, heroic death:

His story was a bit sad, though, I must admit. Prongs, you were practically bawling. I do suppose we all like him, even if he is the weirdest psychotic mass killer I've ever met. Well, I suppose. Aww.

Thank Merlin this is over!

Author's Note:

Sorry for the late, late update. My parents wouldn't let me near the computer after I got my SAT scores back…horrid they were. Eurgh. Hate testing with a passion.

Sorry again! Hope you enjoyed this. James is next!

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And if you haven't already, please check out my first one-shot, A Newt, Anyone? It's not as funny, but I wrote it anyways. Please give feedback. Thanks!

To the people who asked why I separate the survey and the comments: I update fast this way, but for future readers, I will organize it so that they are in one chapter for easier reading. Thanks for the suggestion!