Marauders 101

By: neen

It's supposed to be funny…let's see how you guys like it!

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Part Nine.

Marauders 101:

An Inside Guide to The Way of The Four Gods of Hoggity Hogwarts

IV: Commentary

Name: Prongs. Short and sweet.

Notice the Prongs approach. He was very straight-forward and succinct. None of this punctuation business that some people tend to elaborate excessively on. Ahem, Moony. I believe that was directed towards me? Well, I happen to think that punctuation is an extremely important part of the English language, Mr. Grammar-Fanatic. Good for you, Mr. Punctuation-Whore. There is an odd, stunned silence as neither person picks up the quill to write. Therefore, I, Wormtail, will explain for the benefit of the readers. MOONY! That was horrible! I can't believe you even know the word. There is much you have the faintest clue of, dear Padfoot. So I see..

-

Nicknames: A horrid assortment (mostly by dear Padfoot) that includes, but is definitely not limited to: Prongsie, Prongsie love, Prongsie-poo, Prongsie dearest, Pwong-see!

I think they're dear. Quite dear. So precious that Prongs cringes and ducks behind the armchair every time you holler one of his blessed nicknames across the room. Does he really? Yeah, he gets this scared-rabbity look in his eyes and then, POOF, he's gone. Like magic. Like magic.

-

Birthday: October 21st. Erm, yeah.

I still can't get over how he's the oldest and the tallest! It's rather unfair. That's just how life is, Padfoot. One must learn to deal with it. So life's a deck of cards? Not literally, Wormtail. Deal means to—to…HAH! WORMTAIL HAS CAUSED MOONY TO GO INTO A BOUT OF SILENCE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HIS LIFE AS MOONY ATTEMPTS TO SEARCH FOR THE CORRECT WORD! Shut up, Padfoot.

Hair Color: Black. Messy, it is. Really messy, mind you.

We know, Prongs, we know. Who styles your hair every morning? Er, no one that I know of…Oh, don't be shy, Moony, I know you've always wanted to play a prank on Prongsie! I'm afraid, Padfoot, that I don't mess his hair up every morning. Oh. What about you, Wormy? No, not me either. Well, that's weird. His hair is seriously screwed. I thought someone was trying to be funny.

-

Eye Color: Hazelish-looking, I believe. I'm not one to stare into my mirror for long hours, like Padfoot. Honestly.

I fully agree with Prongs on this one. Even though he used 'hazelish-looking' as a word. Abominable! Do all of you guys know that I gaze into Merelia for 3.762 hours per day? Who's Merelia? My mirror. You named your mirror? Well, yes! You're hopeless, Padfoot. Hopeless. I happen to think it's a darling mirror, Moomy, honestly. Mm. Right. Why don't you go and prance around with Miss Merelia? I think I might.

-

Height: 6' 2''. I'm the tallest one, obviously.

Once again, unfair! Once again, Padfoot has the immaturity rate of a two year-old. Now, Moomy, really…Padfoot, stop calling me that! I'm not your Mum. I need a motherly role model in my life, Moomy, and I chose you! Should Moony be honored? Of course! I'm FEMALE. FEMALE. That is bloody weird to say.

-

Favorite Color: Seeing as I have no feminine traits whatsoever, I will stick with the customary favorite color males usually give as an answer: blue.

Good choice. Prongs is afraid of embracing his inner feminism and actually turning out gay. Ooh, that was deep, Padfoot! I know. I seriously doubt that Prongs is of the homosexual nature. But then again…there's Padfoot.. What of me, sorry? It'd do you better if you didn't know. Okay.

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Favorite Food: Bouillabaisse. The French seafood soup thing. And it's dreadfully fun to attempt to pronounce. Boil-lah-base! Except Padfoot claims it's something like bwee-lah-bahse. He always makes it so hard to understand. Mm, I like mine better anyways.

Prongs should never, ever, be allowed to enter the country of France. He will be shot down with fireworks if he does so due to his horrible, incoherent accent he possesses. Blimey! He really sucks that bad? Apparently, Padfoot is a master of the Romantic language. Mais oui, bien sûr! Je suis un expert, Monsieur Moomy! C'est très facile. Er, right. I think he's referring to the lessons he gives in abandoned, dark broom cupboards late into the night. But…he snogs then, Moomy—I mean, Moony. That's what I mean. Oh.

-

Favorite Phrase: "I LOVE LILY MARIE EVANS!" or "WILL YOU GO OUT WITH ME THIS TIME, LILY?"

It's quite sad how much he chases after her, really. I haven't counted, but it seems a myriad. It's about the 207th time this month. Aw, poor Prongs. Yeah, you would think by the 118th time, maybe, he'd be successful, but…sigh. Dear, dear Prongs.

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Favorite Sport: QUIDDITCH. QUIDDITCH. QUIDDITCH. DO I NEED TO SAY ANYMORE? Besides, I look bloody sexy when I ride on that broom.

Har, har! This could be taken very suggestively. Shall I explain? Er, I'd rather you not, Padfoot. I've just downed a meal. Prude! Let me continue anyways. He rides his own stick! Ah, har! Isn't that hilarious? I think Moony's choking. He's turning a tad bit too blue for his normal complexion. That's bad, isn't it? Only one thing to do! Muggle CRAP! CPR! No, thank you, Padfoot! I'm quite fine without dog breath today! It always works, Padfoot. Good job! Thanks.

-

Pets: I had a pigeon before. The same one that tried to lay an egg in my hair. It was disposed of. (By Padfoot). I'm not sure exactly how he did it, but the feathers that were sticking out of his mouth afterwards made me oddly suspicious of what he did. Hmm. Anyways, I have a barn owl now. Its name is Mister Balagados.

It was quite tasty. What was, the pigeon? You really ate it? Honestly. Have some respect for our fellow organisms! Animal cruelty, I say. Prats! I was talking about the pastry I just had. Of course I didn't have pigeon. Oh. Really? Well, I can't remember. Maybe it was that thing that tasted like duck. He definitely ate it. Agreed. Thank Merlin that Mister Balagados is a bit too lean for Padfoot's liking. Otherwise, bye-bye, Prongs's second pet! Mmm, I believe you're quite right, Moony. Always.

-

Piercings: I'm afraid not. Though I'd love to 'accidentally' pierce Padfoot's eyeball sometimes. Wouldn't it be funny?

Haha! Prongs is quite an imaginative one. He wouldn't be able to blink down! His eyes would water repeatedly. That would be a sight to see! Ahem. S'cuse me, but I believe that I'm still here. Right. And what's the problem, Padfoot? I'm HERE! Don't talk about me while I'm here—THAT DOESN'T MEAN TO DISCUSS ME ACROSS THE ROOM! I CAN STILL LIP-READ, YOU KNOW! ARSES!

-

Tattoos: If I did get a tattoo, you can bet your rusty Galleon that it will say, 'I love Lily.'

I don't reckon I have a rusty Galleon. It's all right, Wormtail. It's just a figure of speech. Does Prongs really have this somewhere on his body? I have the faintest clue. Why don't you go find out? You know, I think I might.

-

Broken Any Bones: What do you expect? I hang around Padfoot. That word alone explains enough.

What is THIS supposed to mean? That you're somehow linked to breaking Prongs's bones? Shut up, Wormy. You asked! Calm down, Wormtail. You might get a few broken bones yourself if you don't stay quiet. Just nod and smile. Okay.

-

Been Shot/Stabbed: Again, one word. Padfoot.

Again, it seems that one can infer that I have a violent streak in me or something. No comment, and promptly hides. I cower in fear of the wrath of Padfoot.

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Girlfriend: It's going to be Lily. I can feel it. Well, it will be after I find out how to get her to unhate me. Sigh. It might be a while.

This is pathetic. I say, seize the day-capey dime or whatever-and just snog her senseless. Carpe diem, Padfoot. Really, what do you do in Muggle Studies? Observe girls' arses and the roundness of each. Count how many girls are kissable with my favorite type of lip shine I like for them to use. Oh yeah, I remember you handing out complimentary strawberry-banana lip balms one day in class. That's the one!

-

Likes To: Look at Lily's hair. Stare at Lily's arse. Glance at Lily's boobies when she's not looking. Gaze at Lily's legs. Watch Lily do something important, like flick her nose in annoyance or stab angrily with repeated attempts at her apple pie. I believe the two cases were because of me. I'm loved!

Cute. Obsessive disorder. A small case, I think. Nothing to worry about. Nothing at all…you know, sometimes I worry. What if Prongs decides that he can't take it anymore and then lunges at her, and r—Prongs isn't stupid! He wouldn't rape her, Padfoot! I was going to say 'and recites love poems to her if he cracks under the pressure.' Right.

-

Favorite Marauder: I must admit, it would be Padfoot. Without him around, life would be rather…dull. Safe and cautious, but a bit boring. I dunno, though, I'm thinking I'm starting to like the quiet side of things..

He's a wild child himself, that one. Ah, what would he do without me? He might be a bit smarter, but you know. Mature. I'm a good thing! I'm funny. Yes, and unintelligent at times, lazy arse, disgusting eater, and stubbornly-refusing-that-you're-gay-type-cross dresser. AM NOT. I prove my point.

-

Funniest Marauder: Sigh. Padfoot does make me laugh occasionally. Occasionally being about fifteen times per minute.

Oh dear, I'm afraid I'm the funny one! Here's a joke. Erm—why did Mrs. Steak hug Mr. Steak and start sobbing their eyes out when they saw each other? Um, I dunno, Padfoot. That's hard. This is going to be one of those weird, cheesy jokes he tells in the Common Room on weekends. Of course not! It was a rare chance! Oh, hah, I'm deliciously funny!

-

Prettiest Marauder: This one is just wrong. Therefore, I adamantly refuse to answer this question.

Good thinking. I still think that Padfoot's quite pretty. Prongs isn't manly enough either. What IS it with the rest of my Marauders? Let's all just admit that I'm pretty. It's not hard—Worm's already done it. Well? Moomy? On my death bed. Spoilsport.

-

Most Handsome Marauder: Ah, but beauty is only skin deep. That was really cheesy, wasn't it? Garrgh, let me go gag myself with a napkin, please.

He looks a bit purple and oddly still. I think he really choked himself dead. At least Prongs died a noble death. What, snuffing it out on napkins? Please.—And thank you are the magic words! Um. RIGHT! So, going on..

-

Loudest Marauder: Padfoot. There is a reason why we all go around wearing those Muggle-made ear-plugs that Moony found for us. Thank Merlin.

Ah, so THAT'S what they're for. I thought so. Bugger it! We have to find something new now. Crap. Maybe we can wipe Padfoot's mind. Well…that's an idea. Too bad he's already hid himself.

-

Craziest Marauder: Argh. Padfoot. Sometimes he makes other people go crazy.

Agreed. Agreed. Agreed. You agree with this, Padfoot? Oh, yes, I don't deny the effect I have on people. I'm most influential, you see.

-

Most Shy: Sorry, Wormtail. I'm not one to lie. It's Wormy.

This is the fourth one. I think I've won this one! Great! Congrats, Wormtail. Yeah, bloody awesome job.

-

Most Loving: Er, I don't know anyone of our group that's truly 'loving', but Moony is quite the compassionate one. I saw him kissing some blade of grass or something once. He must've accidentally stepped on it. Weird bloke.

I was NOT kissing a blade of grass, for your information! I was just closely observing the odd behavior of a ladybug. Was it that day I smacked your arse and you fell down on your head really hard, and there was this monstrous crack of your neck, and you couldn't move from your odd position for hours? Yes! And NO ONE bothered to SEND ME TO THE HOSPITAL WING, PADFOOT! Now really, Moomy, this anger of yours…you need management. I THINK I HAVE A RIGHT TO BE ANGRY WHEN MY NECK WAS BROKEN IN THREE PLACES AND SOMEONE JUST HAPPENED TO STAND BESIDE ME AND HARASS ME WITH COMMENTS ABOUT MY WEIRD POSITION! Uh, oh. IN AND OUT. IN AND—No, Wormtail! Okay.

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Most Understanding: Moony. Thanks to him, Lily and I are somewhat closer to getting together. She hates me still, but she doesn't scream that much anymore when I approach her. That's good, isn't it?

I think it's best that I don't inform him that I Silence Lily every time she comes around. A stab at his confidence. Ah, it's okay. I'll tell him. Why do I even bother to say these things? Of course Prongs always finds out in the end. It's all right, Moony.

-

Most Boring: Er, yeah, Wormy it is.

Me again! Yes, good job. Excellent! You'll be famous for that one for sure.

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Richest: I dunno. I think maybe me.

I dunno. I think maybe so. Yes, it's Prongs. Maybe he'll buy me a new cauldron.

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Most Athletic: Me.

PSSSSH! I'm quite athletic as well, thank you. I'm not even going to say anything. Are you referring to the pud—I HAVE NO PUDGE! NO PUDGE!

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Most Cocky: Er, Padfoot. And me around Lily, yes.

WHO HAS A C—COCK. Yes, we know, Padfoot. It's getting a bit old, don't you think? Just admit that you have pudge as well and get it over with. Understanding is a big part of healing in depression. I don't suffer from some crack-pot disease! … … How come no one's coming to my defense? Wormtail? Um, well…I dunno.

-

Biggest Sex Icon: I'm not sure about that. Ask a girl, will you?

It's me, hands down. I think that Moony has a lot as well. Not me. No one should glance at me anyways. I'm a monster. Nah, just a big, bad beast. That's loads better, Padfoot. Thanks. Anytime, Moomy.

-

What Do You Think About When You Hear…

Lake: Best spot in the world to find Lily. The wind blows gently behind her and teases her hair most artistically. The sun shines through her eyes, making our gaze crackle with electricity. The cool air softens her appearance, making her absolutely beautiful. That's the lake for you, m'dears.

So. Is he describing a lake or Lily? It seems more logical that he's talking about Lily. But then again, he could be very profound and say that 'her' refers to a lake, and he is actually describing the water surface or something of the sort. It's Prongs, Moomy. Of COURSE he's talking about Lily.

-

Love Potion: Hmm, this is a good idea. I think I should try it out on Lily.

Doesn't he know that they're illegal? Say, things that can get him permanently in trouble with the wizarding authority? Is he mad? Course not. He's just a bit touched in the head. Doesn't that mean the same thing? No, no. Mad means angry or furious, you know. Touched in the head means insane, crazy, ticket to an asylum. Oh, of course. I should have clarified myself, honestly. It's quite all right, Moomy. You're human—oh, er, part human. You can afford to make mistakes.

-

Laryngitis: La-who? Merlin, what's this? It's sounds like one of those weird animals that used to be on Earth…diny-Seers or something of the sort.

Diny-Seers. Merlin, I think I can die from a cardiac arrest or extreme blood pressure levels. Those are cute, you know. Those Diny-Seers. It's odd how muggles like to use hyphens in their words so much. Odd. You know what a Diny-Seer is, Padfoot? Of course. Those massive, dragon thingys with huge molars. Ah. Merlin. Not only do you guys get the definition wrong, you actually know what they mean. Isn't that a good thing? No! That means that more and more people are associating the term 'Diny-Seer' with the animal whose name is 'dinosaur'! Er, what? Forget it. Go and Diny-Seer something. Well, okay.. No, I didn't mean it! Come back, PADFOOT!

-

Lazy: Uh, Padfoot.

Uh, love you too, Prongs. Always. That's adorable and sweet, Padfoot. I always say that when I'm about to kick him in the balls. Oh. That's not very nice. No, it's not. And Padfoot's not going to do it, is h—oh, bugger it. PADFOOT! For the second time, DON'T LEAVE THIS TABLE! Damn it, Prongs is royally screwed.

-

Lily: Blessed jewel of my heart, how can I say how you dazzle me so with your everlasting scintillation?

That's sweet of him. Where did he learn all those weird words? Me. I dunno what half of them mean. That's the beauty of it. Prat.

-

Lesbian: Erm, Padfoot came to my mind first thing. Odd. But it also can mean 'an inhabitant of Lesbos'! Bet you didn't know that. Hmm. Is Padfoot actually a girl? This is disturbing me. Must remember not think such thoughts. Ahh!

I have never been so offended! Well, it's all right. You might not be a girl. Who knows? No! He said I hailed from Lesbos! I was fully raised here in London, thanks! You're more offended that you're considered an inhabitant of Lesbos than as a girl liking other girls? Well, yes! What is Lesbos people aren't pretty? That would be dreadful. My God. Is he admitting he's a girl? I don't know if I want to participate in this conversation any longer. I am male. Testerone-filled. Pen—Okay. You are.

-

Lace: Padfoot used to sew these dreadfully weird things on to his robes, saying it made them look utterly 'precious'. He's had a hard life, that one. I wonder how he'll turn out.

Er. This is taking it a bit too far, Padfoot. Lace? It's pretty, Moomy. Looks quite similar to dried snowflakes. IS there such a thing as dried snowflakes? No. Padfoot's just being…himself.

-

Libido: I can't say anything, because I am a gentleman. But I am a male, so I offer one word. Flower. Ahem, ahem.

This is just a weird conversation to be having. I seriously do not want to be involved in Prongs's sex life. Or lack of one. Whichever. Prongs wants to shag Lily senseless? PADFOOT! What? I think Moony's a bit tired. He's really rubbing at his temples. That's not good. He needs my massaging hands. They work wonders.. STOP! I COMMAND YOU TO STOP! Headache cured!

-

Little: Padfoot. Har, har. I'll just leave my answer be. I want to see the incredulous look on Padfoot's face when he reads that. Har!

EXCUSE ME? LITTLE? MOI? Yes, I believe when he says 'Padfoot', he is referring to you. BUT THAT CAN'T BE! He's never seen! You mean you two haven't 'accidentally' peeked over at the other stall in the boys' loo to check? WHAT? WHAT! Oops. Shouldn't have mentioned it. I WILL STRIP DOWN TO MY LOVELY NAKENESS TONIGHT IN THE COMMON ROOM AND DISPLAY MY PRIDE AND JOY. HARRUMPH. That'll show him, Padfoot! Oh, dear..

-

Library: I heard that Lily comes here a lot. Which reminds me that I really need to find out where it is. Maybe I can tag after Moony.

I would like to ask if any of the rest of the Marauders have any earthly clue where the library is. Any takers? Er…Padfoot? Of course! Just—just follow Moomy! Sigh. I'm thinking not. Yes, just follow me.

-

Most Embarrassing Moment: I think it was the 293rd time that Lily rejected me. I forgot how it was though, but I'm pretty sure it was embarrassing. Otherwise, I wouldn't remember that it was the 293rd time. Or was it the 294th time?

They were all embarrassing, if you ask me. But I think the one where Prongs got down to his knees and dragged at Lily's feet, sobbing all the way, was a teensy bit more embarrassing than the rest. Just a bit. That was sad. I actually felt bad for him. Poor Prongs. He's really into her, isn't he? You think?

-

Murdered Anyone Lately: I've come close to murdering two males with black hair and names both starting with the letter 's'. How surreal. Simply weird.

Hey! Oddly enough, I fit that criteria! Interesting. But of course he wouldn't be talking about me! Ahem. Cough. Snort. Sneeze. What? Everyone's sick or something. Dumb-arse. Idiot. What? Oooh. Gotcha! Bashing on about Snivellus, aren't you? Yeah, I want to murder him too. Sigh. It's a lost case. What!

-

Anything Else You'd Like to Add: I LOVEEEEEE YOU, LILY!

May they eventually get together in the end. Agreed. Maybe he'll finally stop being such a whipped pansy. Hopefully… Nah, it's Prongs. He's definitely a goner. Sigh.

Our joyous book! It's almost finished! I wonder how many girls will be crying over this…

Author's Note:

ALMOST DONE!

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