A/N: So, I won't lie...I'm pretty much in love with what happens in this chapter. Well, it's more how it happens that makes me love it so much. It may just be one of my favorites so far, actually. I hope you all enjoy it as well - it's a big chapter for Mer/Der!
"So, I talked to my sisters," Meredith said as she walked into Karen's office the following week.
"About what?" Karen asked innocently.
"Sure, now you play dumb," Meredith rolled her eyes. "I talked to them about coming in for a session or two. They agreed to come, but it'll have to wait until after Christmas, because everyone is crazy busy right now."
"That's fine," Karen said. "I'll look forward to seeing them here in the New Year, then. That will give us time to go over anything specific that you might want to talk about with them."
"Hey, you're the one who wanted to see them here, not me," Meredith said.
"But they're coming for your benefit," Karen said. "I think there are still things about your childhood that you need answers for, and your sisters can help with that."
"How?" Meredith asked. "They weren't around when I was a kid."
"No, but they were around your father," Karen said. "Obviously, the best thing would be to just ask your father directly, but even with the progress you've made, I'm not satisfied that you're ready to handle talking to him just yet."
"Good, because I definitely don't want to see him," Meredith said.
"But you do want an explanation for why he never came for you," Karen said.
"I told you, I know why he didn't come," Meredith said. "I've come to terms with that."
"You know the reason, but that's the explanation you want," Karen said. "You want to know the emotions behind it."
"I'm not sure I'm following," Meredith said.
"If you could talk to your father about the weeks and months after he got the call from your social worker, what would you want to know?" Karen asked.
"I don't know," Meredith shrugged.
"Think about it," Karen said. "What would you want to know?"
"I guess I'd want to know how he could do that," Meredith said. "I get the why, I just don't get the how. How do you walk away, knowing that your child is in trouble?"
"That's good," Karen said. "Anything else?"
"I want to know if he felt guilty," Meredith said. "But at the same time, I don't want to know that answer."
"Why not?" Karen prodded.
"Because I don't want him to say no," Meredith admitted, tears forming in her eyes. "I don't want to know that it was easy for him."
"But you think it was," Karen said.
"I don't know," Meredith said. "But right now, I'm not sure I'd believe him even if he did say he felt badly."
"And that's where your sisters may be able to help," Karen said. "But I want you to be prepared for what they might have to say."
"I'm still not following," Meredith said. "What can my sisters tell me about how Thatcher felt?"
"You've said in the past that it was your understanding that your sisters knew about you," Karen said. "That Susan and Thatcher told them about you."
"That's what Susan told me," Meredith said.
"Well, I'd like to know how the topic was handled," Karen said. "What Thatcher told them about you could be helpful to you in determining how he felt. I just want to make sure you're ready for whatever answer you might find."
"I'd rather know," Meredith said. "One way or the other, I think knowing is better than not knowing."
"Alright then," Karen said. "What I'd like you do is put together a list of anything you can think of that your sisters might know that you want to know. I've got a few questions of my own for them, but I think your questions will probably end up being the ones that fuel the most productive conversations. I'd like to look it over advance, though, so take some time and maybe we can do that a week from now?"
"Yeah, that sounds good," Meredith said. "I think I can do that."
"Mmm…it smells fabulous in here," Meredith commented as she walked into Derek's kitchen that evening. "What's the occasion?"
"Nothing special," Derek said. "I'm just testing out a few dishes for Christmas dinner."
"You're really getting into this thing, aren't you?" Meredith laughed. "You do realize it's just our friends and family, right?"
"But it's also Christmas," Derek said. "And more than that, it's our first Christmas as a couple. It's a big deal, Meredith."
"You're a holiday person, aren't you?" Meredith asked, slightly amused by Derek's giddiness. "You've got a closet full of reindeer sweaters hidden around here somewhere, right?"
"No reindeer sweaters," Derek said. "But yes, I do love Christmas. It's the happiest time of the year and everyone knows it."
"You scare me sometimes, you know that?" Meredith said, shooting Derek a sideways glance.
"Wait, don't you love Christmas?" Derek asked. "You're the one who organized this whole party, after all."
"I want to see all my friends and family, yes," Meredith said. "But honestly? The whole Christmas part doesn't really do much for me."
"It doesn't really do much for you?" Derek repeated incredulously. "Decorating a tree, hanging stockings, singing Christmas carols, getting up a the crack of dawn to open gifts…come on, you have to love something about Christmas, Meredith. Some childhood memory you hold onto."
"Nope," Meredith said a bit sadly, looking down at her hands.
"Really?" Derek asked in surprise, setting down the pan he'd been holding and heading over to the table where Meredith was sitting.
"I didn't have a childhood, Derek, not a real one," Meredith said. "You know that."
"I thought you would have still at least had something…" Derek said, pulling his chair closer to Meredith's.
"My mother didn't believe in any of the holiday traditions," Meredith said. "She was big on self-reliance, my mother. She used to tell me that you couldn't rely on anyone to stand by you except yourself, and that if you waited for someone else to give you what you wanted, you'd never get it. If I wanted something for Christmas, I had to go out and earn the money for it myself. Mom always said that accepting gifts made you look weak, as though you weren't capable of getting whatever it was on your own."
"Well, this year I'm going to make sure you have a real Christmas," Derek said.
"You don't have to do that," Meredith said. "Izzie tried the perky, happy, everything's-perfect Christmas thing two years ago, and to be honest, I found it a little bit creepy."
"Izzie had it wrong, then," Derek said. "Christmas isn't about having everything perfect. It's about being with the people you love, about doing things to make everyone else just a little bit happier, about just appreciating what's going on around you for once. It won't be perfect…something will burn or cook incorrectly, one of the kids will throw a tantrum, someone will show up an hour late, but it doesn't matter. The imperfection makes it fun."
"Well, you at least sound a lot more realistic than Izzie," Meredith said.
"Don't worry, you just leave it all up to me," Derek said. "You are going to love Christmas this year. Trust me, there's nothing like waking up Christmas morning and coming downstairs to open presents in your pajamas."
"You're assuming I'll be sleeping here Christmas Eve," Meredith pointed out.
"Hey, if it were up to me, you'd be sleeping here every night," Derek said, only half jokingly.
"Okay," Meredith said after only a brief pause.
"Okay what?" Derek asked in confusion.
"If you're serious," Meredith said. "I mean, if you weren't serious, that's okay too…but if you meant it, about wanting me to stay here every night…"
"Meredith, are you saying that you'll move in with me?" Derek asked hopefully.
"I think I am," Meredith said. "Unless you don't want that…it's okay if you don't. I mean, I won't be offended if you were only joking."
"Meredith Grey, nothing would make me happier than to have you living here with me," Derek said. "Now this place can finally be 'home.'"
"It wasn't before?" Meredith asked.
"Not really," Derek said. "When I built this house, it wasn't for me…it was for the future I dreamed about with you. It's a great place, and I love living here, but it only really feels like it's my home when you're here with me."
"You do realize that when I move in, I'm going to make you get furniture, right?" Meredith asked.
"I have some furniture," Derek protested.
"An air mattress in one of the guest bedrooms does not count as furniture, Derek," Meredith laughed.
"Oh good, you're all here," Meredith said as she walked into her basement later that night to find Cristina, Lexie, Izzie and Alex watching another of Ellis' surgical tapes. "I need to talk to you guys."
"That doesn't sound good," Cristina said as she clicked off the TV.
"No, it's good," Meredith said. "At least, I think it's good. I'm fairly certain it's a good thing. Like, ninety-nine percent sure it's a good thing. This is definitely a good thing."
"Stop rambling and get on with it, Grey," Alex said.
"Right, sorry," Meredith said. "I want you guys to know that this isn't going to change anything for you guys. I'm not asking anyone to move out or anything; you are all welcome to stay in the house as long as you want…and as long as you don't skip too many months' rent."
"Hey, I told you I'd pay those back," Alex interrupted.
"And I'm sure someday you will," Meredith said. "In the meantime, I just wanted to let you all know that I'm moving out."
"You're what?" Izzie exclaimed.
"Where are you going?" Lexie asked.
"I'm moving in with Derek," Meredith said. "I spend so much time over there anyway…it just seemed like a natural next step, you know?"
"Can I have your room?" Alex asked. "It's a lot bigger than mine."
"Are you sure about this, Mer?" Cristina asked.
"Yeah, I'm sure," Meredith said. "And no, Alex, you cannot have my bedroom. I figured I'd let Lexie have my room."
"Why does she get the good room?" Alex asked.
"Because I live in a converted study that's about half the size of any of the other bedrooms in this house," Lexie said. "There's not even a full bathroom on the floor I live on."
"It seems fair to me," Meredith said. "If it bothers you that much, Alex, you can always move. I'm sure lots of landlords will let it slide when you miss your rent payments three months in a row."
"Point taken," Alex said. "I suppose I'll be lugging boxes whenever this big move takes place, right?"
"Hey, if you're really good and don't complain, maybe I'll knock off a month's rent," Meredith said.
"Really?" Alex asked hopefully.
"I said maybe," Meredith said, smiling slightly. "We'll see how well you move my things. I don't have that much stuff."
"What's wrong with you?" Mark asked, warily eyeing Derek as he stood by the nurses' station the next morning.
"Nothing's wrong," Derek said happily. "It's a beautiful day, Mark. Why would you think something's wrong?"
"Because you're acting – and I hate to use this word, because it's just so eighth-grade-cheerleader – but you are acting giddy," Mark said.
"There's nothing wrong with being happy," Derek said.
"It's six in the morning," Mark said. "Are you high? And if you say that you're high on life, I will smack you."
"I'm just happy, Mark," Derek said.
"Okay, I'll bite," Mark sighed. "Why are you so happy, Derek?"
"Because Meredith agreed to move in with me," Derek said, a huge smile on his face.
"So I guess that this means you're finally getting some, right?" Mark asked playfully.
"Oh, I am so not making that mistake again," Derek said. "Nope, you are not getting me to talk about my sex life, especially since you've demonstrated your complete inability to keep your big mouth shut."
"But she's going to be living with you," Mark said. "Sleeping in the same bed as you, using the same toothpaste, all that couple-y stuff?"
"Sharing toothpaste can be fun," Derek said sincerely. "One of these you'll find a girl you want to share your toothpaste with, Mark. Then you'll see."
"That is by far the weirdest thing you've ever said to me, man," Mark said. "In fact, I'm going to pretend you did not just say that. So, does this mean you and Grey are getting married?"
"Not yet, no," Derek said. "We're taking it one step at a time, and I'm not sure she's ready for that step right now."
"She's ready to share your toothpaste, but she's not ready to wear your ring?" Mark asked. "Have you guys even talked about marriage?"
"Not really," Derek admitted. "I'm letting her lead, Mark. When she's ready to talk marriage, she'll let me know."
"Whose idea was it for her to move in?" Mark asked.
"I'm pretty sure it was hers," Derek said. "I made a joke about wanting her there every night, and she just sort of said, 'okay' and that was pretty much the entirety of the discussion. We're moving her things in on Saturday."
"So, what, when you're ready to get married, you're just going to make a joke about it and hope she says 'okay?'" Mark asked. "If you want the relationship to go in that direction, you've got to talk about it. And if you want to talk about it, you've got to bring it up."
"Mark, the longest relationship you've ever had was the affair you had with my ex-wife," Derek said. "I'm not sure you're really qualified to offer me relationship advice."
"Addie was not my longest relationship ever," Mark protested. "There was…no, maybe not…but then there was definitely…no, I guess that wasn't really a relationship either…I know, there was Samantha Thomas, freshman year of college. That was definitely a longer relationship."
"Mark, you didn't date Samantha Thomas," Derek said.
"If I didn't date her, why was she always hanging around the dorm, bringing over cookies, sending candy on Valentine's Day?" Mark asked. "We definitely had a relationship."
"Mark, your roommate was her fiancé," Derek pointed out.
"Right," Mark muttered. "So I guess that doesn't count, then?"
"Sorry, no," Derek said.
"Okay, well, what about the Brewer girls senior year of college?" Mark asked. "That was definitely a long relationship."
"The Brewers were identical twins, Mark," Derek said. "You cannot combine the length of time you spent with each twin."
"Damn," Mark sighed. "I guess I really haven't had very many relationships, huh?"
"I guess not," Derek said. "I'd suggest that you stop sleeping around and start looking for something more stable, but that might make me sound a bit too much like Mom."
"Probably would," Mark agreed. "Maybe when you and Grey get married, you can find a hot bridesmaid to hook me up with."
"Mark, you know all the women that Meredith would ask to be bridesmaids," Derek pointed out. "The only one not taken is Izzie."
"Stevens is kind of hot," Mark mused. "Feisty too. I like feisty."
"I am so not having this conversation with you," Derek laughed. "I have a feeling this one could get me in even more trouble than you talking about my sex life in front of the whole family."