Title: Careers, spouses, babies, and houses.
Author(s): Megan Stack and Caitlin Higgins Copyright June 2003
Disclaimer: The characters you recognize are JK's the ones you don't are original
A/N: Well, this came to Megan while she was at work and then evolved into a group effort. We hope it turned out as well as we planned.
A/N 2: We originally started posting this June 2003 and only posted four chapters because we became lazy and busy and lost a lot of our notes. We've been talking about reposting these and finishing it off (so we hope!). Now we're no longer little fan-girls, we are in fact in college, but this story's special to us, so we're going to ignore the fact that this makes us extremely lame and continue with it. Enjoy!
Chapter 2: Fights, Bites, and Detention Nights
"A housewife! A housewife! I ask you," Lily's anger turned to poor first year. "Do I LOOK like a housewife?" She was practically quaking with frustration.
Eamon tried but failed to help with, "Well, Lily, you could always be MY housewife!"
"Arghhh! Shut up, Eamon! You are NOT helping!"
Sam, now thoroughly pissed off turned to Remus and "whispered" in a loud voice, "She's too much of a skank to be a housewife. She might break a nail! Then whatever would she do? You simply can't do anything with a broken nail!" Remus and a few others laughed at this but soon stopped at the murderous look on Lily's face.
"Excuse me?" Her voice was a dead whisper.
Everyone in the common room stood still, afraid to even breathe but Sam felt daring enough to stand up to a redhead.
"You heard me."
"Did you call me a skank?"
"Yeah. What of it?" Lily didn't even waste her breath answering she just hauled off and tackled Sam right then and there.
The girls landed in a heap on the floor and they showed no mercy. Sam pulled out a nice bit of Lily's hair after Lily bit her arm. Screaming, Sam flipped her over and landed a good punch to the face. They kept rolling around in a tangled mess, knocking over furniture and beating the heck out of each other. Sirius wasted no time. He knew what he had to do. Being a man of honor and integrity, he immediately started taking bets.
"Do I hear 35 on Evans? Hey! You said you wanted 50 on Potter? Come on people! This is the best catfight this common room has seen in my seven years at Hogwarts! A once in a lifetime opportunity!" He shouted this as Lily and Sam rolled past him as he stood on a chair, in a tangle of arms and legs.
Just then the common room entrance opened and McGonagall walked in.
"What is the meaning of this?"
"Now Professor," Sirius started while hiding the wad of money behind his back. "Lily and Sam were simply…doing an interpretive dance. I had nothing to do with it. And whatever you may think, I did not start taking bets."
"Miss Potter, Miss Evans, my office- now!" Lily got up holding her bleeding lip and Sam was nursing her broken nose.
As she began to escort the girls out of the common room, Sirius breathed a sigh of relief. "Whew! That was close."
This statement was immediately followed by an afterthought of McGonagall's, "By the way, Black, detention tomorrow!"
"Crap! But hey! Two more weeks to go and I'll have the record!"
IIIIII McGonagall's office IIIIIIIII
After cleaning up their cuts McGonagall gave them a stern talking-to. "You are seventeen years old and seventh years at that! This is simply unacceptable! I might expect this from a first year but the head girl and a prefect nonetheless!"
"Lily started it!"
"Did not! You called me a skank!"
"Did too! You annoyed me and I wouldn't have called you one if it wasn't the truth."
"Bitch."
"Retard."
"Whore!"
McGonagall looked outraged. "Girls!"
Sam, not satisfied, had to add, "Housewife!"
"Witch!"
"Ooh, that hurt! Score one for you!"
"You little…"
McGonagall had had enough. "Both of you will have detention for a month!"
"A month?!"
"Yes, every night for a month. You are to report to the front hall at eight tonight. You are dismissed."
The girls looked at each other with such malice that they could have turned someone to stone. Lily quickly stood up flounced out the door and Sam turned to follow.
"Oh, and Miss Potter tell your husband he has earned himself a weeks worth of detention."
Before slamming the door Sam announced quite loudly, "HE IS NOT MY HUSBAND! I'm getting a DIVORCE!"
Once the windows stopped rattling, McGonagall sat down to rub her throbbing temples. "What am I going to do with those two?"
IIIIIII Common Room IIIIIIII
"Maddie can you BELIEVE that bitch called me a skank?!? Thanks to her I have a month of detention!" Lily shrieked her complaints to the whole room but it was apparent that it was intended for Sam to hear.
"And Remus, can you believe that skank who calls herself a Gryffindor tackled me and got me a month of detention?"
"She's such an ungrateful little..."
"…Nothing but a stupid wench..."
"Yeah, well, I'd gladly fight her again."
"Yeah, if she ever shouted across the common room she'd gladly fight me again I'd gladly step outside!"
James tried to be the voice of reason so as to avoid another fight but especially so that Gryffindor wouldn't loose some major points. "Don't you guys think this is a little…pointless?"
Both girls turned to him with a loud, "NO!"
"Oh. Okay. … Well then, I think you should head down to detention and try not to rip each others faces off so that we don't loose the cup this year."
James turned to his best friend and whispered. "Now, Sirius, I know this is going to be hard for you but don't let them kill each other. I don't want to have to explain to McGonagall and my mum that my sister and Lily are dead."
"James! I wouldn't do that! I'd stop them after SAM was dead!"
"Padfoot…"
"No, really. I won't let them kill each other before I get the chance to divorce her. Hey! We can have an annulment party AND a wake!"
Before James could respond Sirius skipped out of the portrait hole not wanting to miss anything.
IIIIIII Front Hall IIIIIII
Sam and Lily were facing each other silently throwing daggers with their eyes and Sirius stood in the middle trying, quite fruitlessly to break it up.
"Aw, come on girls! I promised James you can't kill each other until AFTER the divorce!"
"What makes you think YOU'RE divorcing ME? Hell! If anyone's divorcing anyone, I'M divorcing YOU!"
"Oh, no you're not! I'm the man! It's all ME, baby!"
"Sirius Polaris Black, did you just call me BABY?" Sam's anger was now directed full-force towards her brother's friend. And, not knowing what else to do, he back up and stammered quite helplessly. Sam is rather frightening when she's got you backed up against the wall and your only help is her worst enemy and the senile old caretaker.
"Ahh, young love! Soon they'll be ripping each other's eyes out. It's beautiful, that is." Apparently Filch's idea of love was quite morbid.
Sam turned to him with an annoyed, "Shut it, you scuzzy cat-lover."
Filch's response was his famous eye-roll and instructions about their detention. He looked over at Lily who had somehow procured a bottle of nail polish and stood there painting her fingers cherry-red. "This isn't a bea-yoo-ty parlor! Listen up! You're all to be cleaning the Slytherin common room."
"But we'll be killed! They're Savages!" Sirius started to sing, "Savages, savages, barely even human!"
Sam turned and gave him a hard whack in the arm. "Shut up you pansy!"
He smiled. "Now we sound the drums of warrrrrrr!"
The three eventually made their way, grudgingly, of course, to the Slytherin common room. This was probably the highest form of torture. Cleaning is one thing, but doing ANYTHING for the Slytherins, well, Sirius was just hoping he wasn't catching the greasy hair disease that seemed to run rampant in this house.
Sam and Lily assigned Sirius to the windows, hoping he wouldn't do too much damage while they got to scrubbing the carpet- all without magic.
A few minutes later they heard an "Oh, crap!" from Sirius who, had somehow managed to set the curtains on fire. Too shocked to move at first, Lily and Sam just sat there while he tried to pat them out. At that moment Malfoy and Snape chose to walk into the common room.
"What the hell do you think you're doing, Black? Trying to kill us all and ruin our common room?" Snape looked quite angry.
Malfoy, who seemed to be the only one with a working brain at that moment, extinguished the flames with an elementary charm.
Sam muttered under her breath, "Show off."
Malfoy somehow heard her from across the room. "What did you just say? Oh, you're asking for a hex, aren't you, Potter?"
"Don't you even dare hex her you… cock-knocker!"
"What, are we standing up for our stupid whore of a girlfriend?"
Sirius looked ready to murder and Lily had to struggle to restrain Sam from beating the stuffing out of Malfoy for his comment. One would think she would be angry that he had called her a whore. But, no, she was more upset that someone had even dared to suggest she might be his girlfriend.
"She's not a whore, unlike you. AND she's not my girlfriend! She's my wife!"
Snape cocked an eyebrow. Apparently the Slytherins weren't given their marriage assignment yet.
IIIIIII Walking back to the common Room IIIIIIII
"Can you believe that Professor McKinley had to walk in while I had Snape in a headlock?" Sirius had just earned himself another month of detention. And right then, his stomach rumbled. "Hey, I'm going to the kitchens," to be polite, he added, " you guys wanna come?"
"No, I'm going straight to bed."
"Yeah," Lily agreed.
The two walked back in silence until, "Hey, um, thanks for…holding me back. I didn't want another month."
"Oh." Lily was a bit taken back by this statement. "Yeah, sure. It looked like you were going to rip off his balls and shove them down his throat."
"Haha, that'd be a neat trick."
Lily laughed. Then after a few moments of silence, she recanted, "I guess I shouldn't have tackled you back there in the common room. Well, I at least should've stopped after I got one punch in."
"Eh, well, its okay. Skanks can get carried away sometimes."
They had to beat the crap out of each other and spend the night on their hands and knees scrubbing a marble floor, but in the end Sam realized Lily was more than just a shallow snob, she was intelligent and polite and Lily saw that Sam was funny and entertaining. And with that, Sam and Lily became friends.
R/R, you know you wanna!