Thank you to everyone who read or reviewed the last part.

Thank you toGeorgiana Spencer for being the beta on this chapter

Part three: Please Tell Me this is a Joke

Hikaru read her e-mail twice before even considering his response. His mind was on information overload and he was personally surprised he did not faint. First, everyone knows that he's responsible for the baby Vulcan baby shower invitation and those that actually mattered were not happy or amused. If his girlfriend's email did not tell him that, the message where Dr. McCoy called him a toddler (accompanied by several expletives) would have. This was coupled with the 15 other messages he received from various crewmembers either congratulating or condemning him on his joke. Fortunately, nothing has arrived from his commanding officers yet but the key word was yet. Not good.

Second, it turned out that Spock really is pregnant. Nyota's end statement normally would not tell him this but between receiving a classified medical research paper from Dr. McCoy and the bizarre e-mail he received from the only other Vulcan crew member on board chastising him (in a very Vulcan way) for revealing Vulcan reproductive secrets to the general population of Enterprise, he discovered that male Vulcan pregnancy was possible. Her message pretty much told him that he had another disastrous lucky guess. She wouldn't be so pissed otherwise.

He was so going to be spending another day in the Jeffries tubes on risk of getting his ass nerve pinched. Spock despises people who gossip about him. That's why he ended up throwing a bowl of soup at a nurse the other day. Hikaru is sure Spock is going to throw something much harder at him before he kicks his ass. He was so screwed.

Jim was also going to be pissed but in a punch first and ask questions later sort of way. Hikaru's dream of becoming a captain any time before 40 was in jeopardy. He remembered what happened to Hill last year and how lucky he got off the first time. He doubted that he would get that fortunate again. Friendship would only go so far.

Of course if what his girlfriend said in the e-mail was true maybe it would be a good thing that he's never going to become a captain. It's a lot easier to take care of a child when you're not working 200 hour weeks especially when your partner is. Because even if he has irritated too many people to get that position, Nyota will become a captain someday. She was just as good as him, maybe even better. It is a lot easier to negotiate a treaty when you're not completely dependent on the universal translator. She was much more patient than him and thought things through. (Right now he sincerely wished he thought this joke through.) Besides, Hikaru is sure that he would make a good captain's husband. He looks great in a tux and making people feel comfortable is something that he excels at.

Of course, part of his brain knows that part of the e-mail is not true. This must be her joke on him. If she was turning this around on him that meant she was beyond furious. Actually, the fact that she has not returned one of the 24 messages that he has sent asking if this was a joke told him that she was beyond furious. He was completely fucked and not in a fun way. Being cut off from sex was the least of his difficulties.

Despite her refusing to confirm that this was a joke he knows it must be. It is just not possible for her to be pregnant. Nyota takes her birth control religiously. If she is even suspicious that it may not work correctly they use a backup method of contraception. The scientist in him knows that no medication is 100% perfect but he is completely sure of this. It's not like the old days were a simple antibiotic could counteract her birth control pill or one could completely screw herself over by taking her medication at different times of the day.

If he remembers correctly there are only a few plants and herbs that can render the medication she is on useless. The ship doesn't carry any Juror-Angelo root or carolexceeds seeds. They also haven't been on any planets where these plants exist recently. The only other plant that would do that was a Vulcan plant that is called the flower of life in standard. It was called that because it was used in various treatments for infertility. However despite its usefulness the plant was never exported and therefore it died when Vulcan did. So he didn't have to worry about that.

"Oh fuck, that's not true anymore." He mumbled out loud to his empty room. He forgot that they found the so-called flower of life (or something very close to it) on another planet two months ago. He had several batches of it growing in his greenhouse. A greenhouse that his girlfriend spends a lot of time in. He never did tell her about the properties of that particular flower. She was going to kill him. He was completely screwed.

There were some days where Leonard McCoy wondered why the hell he ended up on this godforsaken ship in the first place. Surely being on the same planet as his shrew of an ex wife who had nothing better to do then spread poisonous lies to their daughter was better than dealing with incompetent toddler-like crew members with hangovers, Jim Kirk-Spock's stupid captain tricks, and overly bureaucratic Admiralty on a regular basis. This belief usually begin sometime around April 1 and last until he tries to schedule a videoconference with his baby girl only to be told it's not possible despite the custody order stating otherwise.

He hates this month. He hated it because everyone else hated it. The anniversary of the battle of Vulcan was the cause of everyone's misery and depression. Every April, he would have to deal with at least 1 to 2 suicidal crew members. There will be others suffering nightmares and flashbacks of what happened. He doesn't even want to think about the amount of anti depressants that he has to prescribed during this month alone. This was just a bad month in general without all the April Fool's Day jokes that go wrong.

He also believes that half the crew is a healthy crew. Even if people see him as the grumpy doctor of Enterprise he appreciates humor as much as the next person but not when it backfires spectacularly as it has for the last few years. He could appreciate the April Fool's Day jokes as long as they did not lead to more people being in his sick bay which it usually did. April Fool's Day 2259 he treated three people for an allergic reaction to itching powder including their 'special as a snowflake' captain. April 1, 2260 involved treating strange allergic reactions to green dye, chocolate, and lubricant. Thank god, he keeps allergy medication on him anytime he enters the cafeteria otherwise he would have spent the day filling out accidental death reports. Good thing because if he put down 'death by chocolate' on the report the Admiralty would just assumed he was pulling a childish joke. He would also like to completely repress the fact that he had to treat his friend and captain for a rash on his private parts that night.

April 1, 2261 wasn't too bad other than having to put up with crew members asking him about the gift fund even after Nyota took over the duty. Although he did have to treat a certain nurse who fainted when she found out her crush was gay and engaged.

Last year was the worst April Fool's Day joke gone wrong during his time on board. First, there was Jim having a nasty allergic reaction that almost killed him due to Hill "accidentally" slipping OGHB into his drink. This would be more disturbing if it didn't happen at least once every six months (the accidental drugging and the allergic reaction). Because of the nature of the drug that was given to nine different crew members without their consent, the medical team had to do numerous rape kits. Then of course there was the damage done to Mr. Hill when it was discovered what he did that McCoy had to take care of. This also led to modifying the medical report to make sure that his friend's husband didn't spend his wedding day in lock up.

This year he's going to have to deal with a panicking best friend who found out he was going to be a Dad via e-mail. (Of course, this was slightly better than how Leonard found out he was going to be a father. That involved the cow showing up with her daddy at his place of work with an actual shotgun to force the wedding). He is sure that as soon as the celebratory sex ended he would be receiving various emails from Jim on everything from what sex positions are appropriate during pregnancy to general questions about what to expect when you are expecting a baby hobgoblin.

He already sent Jimmy several journal articles but he doubted that the toddler read any of them. He had more fun doing mock sword fights with the guy responsible for telling the whole ship that he was going to be a Dad before he knew himself. McCoy was sure that he would be treating Sulu for a few more "accidental" sparring injuries in the near future.

Now much to his displeasure he was being brought into this silly practical joke thing as part of Sulu's punishment. He would think that making Sulu believe that his girlfriend was pregnant was unbelievably cruel if it was not obvious that she was joking (and the he took a jab at him in the invitation, again). It was obvious because Nyota was on the type of birth control where one only has a period once every three months. It made telling if you were actually late quite difficult. Even if she was actually pregnant, she wouldn't know about it for a while by that means. Besides, considering the accuracy of modern birth control, there was only a one in 1,320,000 chance of becoming pregnant while on the medication without some outside factor. Of course this is a ship where they have encountered alien aphrodisiacs and crazy fungus that makes everybody do whatever they want, so who knew.

He decided to go along with the joke because by the morning of April 2, he had 223 different inquiries about the viability of Vulcan male pregnancy. Underneath all those silly messages, he did find three that made him wonder if Nyota's 'joke' was about to become an unintentional reality.

From: SuluHG

To:McCoyLA

Subject:Question regarding the 'Flower of Life'

Time Sent: 4/1/2263 23:34:23

How much contact does a person have to have with the flower of life for it to render a contraceptive inactive? I looked in several books regarding this but I can't find anything useful that's not written in ancient Vulcan and I'm not asking my girlfriend to translate. As I have learned in the last 4 hours, Vulcans keep everything related to reproductive health a secret. Since you sent me that paper earlier, I thought you may know.

From: Spock-KirkX

To:McCoyLA

Subject:Accidental consumption of the 'Flower of Life'

Time Sent: 4/2/2263 01:01:28

After explaining to Jim's satisfaction why I chose not to inform him of the successful implantation of two embryos until sufficient time had passed I was informed of how much emotional pain my omission caused. Apparently, he had something refer to as a 'pig out' with Nyota involving consuming vast quantities of cookies and pizza to self medicate during a movie night. I have been told that consuming vast quantities of junk food helps humans process their emotions. I am unsure of the accuracy of this technique. Unfortunately, during this activity Nyota accidentally consumed cookies containing the flower of life. Although I am certain her e-mail to her boyfriend was a retaliation joke because she is on a 70 day cycle instead of a 28 day cycle, if she is still using the same contraception that she use during our relationship. However, consumption of that plant, in even a small quantity, could make that particular contraceptive inactive. It may be best to determine if there were any long-term consequences of accidental ingestion of the flower.

By the time he read James' e-mail his head was throbbing and he had the sudden urge to open his emergency bottle that he kept in his office for situations like these. Those three guys can fight Romulans but they can't tell one Communications Officer that she may have consumed something that deactivated her birth control pills. Fucking cowards. He was most likely going to have to break the news to Nyota that she was pregnant because it was his job. Maybe he really should just go back to Earth.

20 minutes before she was supposed to meetHikaru in Dr. McCoy's office for the first part of his punishment for being too child-like sometimes, he was outside waiting for her with what appeared to be peace offerings. He looked almost adorable standing outside her room with the baby teddy bear in a box of chocolates. A box of good chocolates that had to have come from his sister because she was the only one who sent stuff like that.

"Do you really think chocolate and a teddy bear will convince me to forgive you?" She asked with hands on her hips, not even bothering to take the packages from him.

"Not really but if I did accidentally get you pregnant, I figured I needed to start groveling now. I'm sorry." He said, passing the baby teddy bear and candy to her. Why did she have a feeling this was originally part of the baby shower decorations. It was adorable. She was having a hard time staying angry at him but she would not let him know that as she coldly placed everything on her end table.

"Why are you apologizing?" She asked in irritation, or at least she tried to be irritated. His show of contrition was going a long way to alleviate her anger.

"I'm mostly sorry for possibly getting you pregnant. I'm sorry. To me that's the one that can't be undone. I had no idea about… I completely forgot about… I didn't think just touching… I…" he started but she cut him off because she couldn't take his babbling any longer. Maybe this was a bad Idea. She didn't think he would take this so seriously. He did send her several emails asking her if this was a joke before apologizing in several other emails.

"It takes two; it was not all your fault, if I am pregnant. Let's just take things one at a time. Pregnancy test first, and then we can go from there. I might not be pregnant." She said trying to calm him down. She could tell he was panicking.

"That's a good idea. Just let me say this first if you are pregnant, I am not leaving. I promise to stick around through morning sickness, 2:00 AM feedings, the first day of school, and graduation if that's the route you want to take. I will stay with you no matter what your decision is." That was so sweet she almost wanted to cry. This is why she loves him sometimes. She was regretting her punishment idea. This was a bad idea. Why did Spock not talk her out of this? He was her rational friend.

"Is that the only reason why you are sorry? She asked trying to get this conversation on a different path.

"I'm sorry I accidentally told the entire ship that Spock is pregnant or at least I think I did. Honestly, I didn't know it was possible until I read a top secret medical paper about male Vulcan pregnancy. I am sure Spock is not happy about that. Knowing my luck, I probably told Jim before Spock had a chance to." He said honestly. She did wonder who sent him the journal article.

"I'm not going to confirm nor deny that." She said with a noncommittal shrug.

"You just did. Oh fuck, they're both going to kill me." He said panicking again. Our poor baby is going to grow up fatherless because I will be dead." She almost laughed at his dramatics. A part of her smiled at that because he was so concerned about their baby even if there was no baby.

"Our baby will not grow up fatherless, if I am pregnant." She added that last part hastily. "Jim said he was most likely going to put me in charge of your punishment."

"Now our child will be an orphan. I will be dead and you will be in jail for killing me." He said just as dramatically.

"Stop it. That's not going to happen unless you can die from blue balls." She saw him wince at that. Good.

"I deserve that." He said not looking at her.

"Besides, can we even have sex with you being pregnant?" He asked with genuine concern.

"According to the pregnancy books in Jim's quarters, the answer is usually." She said with a sigh. If she was actually pregnant she would send him to the human version of the website that she sent Jim to last night.

"I'm going to have to borrow some of those books. I have nieces but you know I rarely get to spend time with the sprouts."

"You're not calling our future children sprouts… if I am pregnant." She again added hastily. Why was she warming up to the idea of having his kid? Pregnancy would be a disaster right now. So she already reached the position of Chief Communications Officer but she did have her heart now on the captain's chair. Children would complicate that.

"Fine. What about nibbles?" He asked and she just shook her head.

"Let's just find out if I'm pregnant before you start coming up with irritating nicknames." She walked out into the hallway as she spoke.

"Fine, what about rug rats?" Her only response was to sigh as they walked to sick bay. The entire time her boyfriend kept talking about all the good things that will happen if she was pregnant. It made her feel horrible. It also caused her nausea to return. It was probably caused by guilt.

Xxx

20 minutes later she wondered if his enthusiasm was all part of his plan to lull her in to a false sense of security as he played the ultimate April Fool's Day joke on her a day late. As soon as Dr. McCoy told her that she was actually pregnant, she knew that Sulu figured out his punishment quite easily and decided to turn things around on her. (Again, she was too pissed off to use his first name).

"Very funny. I'm so tired of these silly jokes." She said, looking directly at her boyfriend (or possibly soon to be ex-boyfriend) with what her team refers to as The Death Glare. "How much alcohol did you have to give him to be part of this silly stunt? I can't believe you're going along with this?" She said pointing to the doctor.

"What are you talking about?" Sulu asked in confusion.

"This is another one of your silly April Fool's Day joke. I know you set this up." She accused again.

"I'm not joking. You are approximately 20 days pregnant." Dr. Mccoy said quickly. "I didn't get anything to tell you this. Although, I could use a drink right now."

"I can't be pregnant. I take my pill every day at the exact same time. I'm not pregnant. This is just another one of your jokes." She repeated once more.

"Again, I'm confused. How could I have arranged this? You were the one who told me that you were late? Although, I'm a guy even I know, if your period has not arrived yet that usually means that pregnancy is possible. Bones just ran the pregnancy test four times. In a little less than nine months we're going to be parents, if that is…" He started as he tried to squeeze her hand but she just pulled away.

"I lied about that. I don't have a time of the month. I have a period once every 70 days. I'm not supposed to have one for another four weeks." She explained quickly as a look of understanding crossed his face. Sometimes it's a good thing to date a guy who grew up with sisters around.

"I always wondered about that. If you're not technically late why did you send that e-mail yesterday?" His voice sounded slightly angry.

"So you'll get a taste of your own medicine. Thanks to you, Jim found out in an e-mail that Spock was pregnant. At the same time you told the entire ship something very private even if you didn't mean to. Vulcan male pregnancy has a very high miscarriage rate. Add in the fact that Spock is a hybrid and you have a potentially heartbreaking situation on your hands. Do you have any idea how bad everybody knowing this could be if the worst happens?" She asked with fury in her voice.

"Trust me I realize how stupid the joke was, now. However, I had no idea Vulcan male pregnancy was possible, so I think you should just tone down the righteous indignation. In addition, I think you should accept that you're pregnant." He said slightly frustrated.

"I'm not pregnant. I pretended to have a pregnancy scare so you could understand what you put others through sometimes so you will stop with the silly jokes. Somehow, you must have figured out what I was doing and asked Dr. McCoy to go along with your silly joke. Just like all your other pranks, this is not funny." She said screaming at this point.

"I hate to break this to you but birth control pills are not foolproof even after 300 years. There are certain herbs that can render your medication completely ineffective. You should know this already, it's in the damn file that comes with your prescription." Dr. McCoy started to explain but she cut him off.

"But I haven't been in contact with any of those flowers. Therefore, I am not pregnant." She said again.

"Yes you have. The flower of life is currently in my greenhouse." Sulu added in frustration.

"That's not one of the three plants that I know counteracts my birth control pill." She said frowning.

"The flower of life is one of those plants but you probably know it by the Vulcan name that I cannot pronounce. You couldn't stop touching it." That's when she remembered studying that particular plan when she translated some very ancient Vulcan manuscripts about fertility rituals a few years ago as part of the Keep Vulcan Culture Alive project.

"Now I know what you're talking about. I know all about the flower. Pre reform Vulcans used to make it into some sort of pastry that they consumed on the wedding night to help bring offspring. Touching it would not have done anything because you can't absorb it through skin contact. I have to ingest it for it to work. Since I did not eat any of the leaves or petals I cannot be pregnant." That's when Dr. McCoy told her about a little movie night incident involving something Jim refers to as 'Vulcan fertility cookies'. Jim Kirk was a dead man.

Jim was having a peaceful breakfast with his husband in the cafeteria before all hell broke out. Okay breakfast was hardly peaceful with half the crew wishing them congratulations and the other half asking for details on how Spock got pregnant in the first place. He is going to write Pike about adding some sort of xeno-sex education program to the curriculum at the academy. Too many of his human crew members had no idea that male pregnancy was possible with any species in the Federation. Despite that, before then a screaming Nyota was not involved. She literally looked ready to kill him.

"You fucking asshole, you got me pregnant." She said as she slapped him across the face. He instantly knew what she was talking about. He was in so much trouble. There was no way he could ever write her up for insubordination even if this incident happened in front of everybody. He deserved that. Actually, he cannot even write Sulu up for the baby joke thing because he accidentally got his girlfriend pregnant. Spock's going to be furious at him for that. A furious pregnant Spock is just not something he's looking forward to (unless it led to rough sex which isn't going to be happening for the next eight months).

"My mother always said I would hear those words one day, I just always assume that sex would be involved, not weird Vulcan cookies and spending time with a plastic cup. I blame you." He said glaring at his husband as he touched his right cheek. Considering the angry glares that he received from his best friend and his husband it might be best if he spend the remainder of the day in a Jeffries tube. How the hell is he going to survive nine months with both Spock and Nyota pregnant? They're going to be talking about this until next April Fool's Day.

To be concluded.

There will be just a tiny epilogue after this that will be posted tomorrow (4/30/2012)