Author's Note: Honestly, these reviews are going to make me start crying! As you should all know by now, I'm a big fan of the rant, so, please, rant away! red.angel.15., your review was wonderful. I'm glad I can do justice to something that so many people have to deal with, thank you so much for your encouragement! Also, when I read that you screamed and jumped for joy at the updating of this story, I nearly jumped and screamed myself! Thank you all for these wonderful reviews, they really do mean a lot to me. There has to be some thinking and figuring out in this chapter before we can have a proper Dan/Blair reunion, but don't worry, it will happen. Whether the reunion will be a happy one or not? Well, I'm not giving anything away! And sorry that this update took a little while. I was on a vacation for a few days, have been trying to NOT neglect my other stories, and also, my summer history course is dragging me under. I'll try to keep the updates coming quicker. Now that I've finished my rant, here is chapter eighteen, you'll read it, you will most certainly hate me, hope you love to hate it though!

Chapter Eighteen
"And wait, wait your turn
Then shut me out
'cause you've got nothing left to learn
I'm wrong
I'm wrong again
But not because of where I stand
But where I've been
And it burns
You know it burns like hell
To know there's nothing I can do
But with you well
You say there's nothing wrong
With being proud
So tell me what you love
And say it loud
I've been giving you
The benefit of the doubt."
-Just Off Turner

As was becoming Dan's M.O., he couldn't sleep.

Too many thoughts were bouncing around in his head. Like a film strip breaking, spinning out of control; ideas, feelings, flashes of life, they all appeared and disappeared from his brain, before he could even get a hold of what he was thinking at all. The commotion within his mind was too chaotic, the mess that was his life was too much for him to be able to fall asleep. When he closed his eyes, trying to relax himself, the unfiltered mechanics of his thought-process allowed the image of Blair, just her, to stare back at him. He got angry, and, sometimes the image morphed into Blair in France, flirting, having fun, prancing around the Lyon villages, shopping, laughing. And I'm suffering over here, because she's ashamed of me or something, I have to be her little secret, and she gets to have a vacation, he thought to himself. And when he wasn't thinking about Blair, and their relationship, if it could be called such a thing, he was thinking about his mother, up in Hudson, painting, hiding, cheating, ignoring her duties as mother. The two scenarios were so similar, and so different, but he couldn't get them out of his head. And he knew he was furious at both women, but there was nothing he could do, except stay awake and think about it all, fuming.

Finally, when he couldn't deal with thinking so deeply anymore, he got out of his bed, and went to sit on the fire escape outside of his window. He didn't care that it was freezing outside, didn't care that it was nearly one o'clock in the morning- nothing mattered. It was all the better if it was so cold- he focused on the insanely low temperature, and the frozen metal underneath him, instead of on Blair. It only took a moment or two for his plan to fall apart though. Blair entered his mind, much like the real Blair, hardly caring about his intentions of distraction. He groaned, covering his face with his hands.

"What should I do?" Rufus had asked earlier that day.

Dan had, in turn, said, "You're asking me?"

And he had put himself in the situation his father was in, with Blair as his wife. He would have gone to Hudson, or Paris, or where ever Blair would go, were she to abandon their hypothetical family. Maybe she wasn't in such a position right now, but she had ditched him, she had left him wondering. And even though the time they had last spoken, it had been a fight, Dan was still feeling as if she was avoiding him, avoiding their relationship and his suggestion that she was ashamed of him. I would go to France if I could, Dan nodded to himself, sure of what he was thinking. I would, if I could.

A faint sound began to filter from his bedroom, and he realized his phone was ringing. Figuring it was another drunk-dial from Blair, or else something relatively important, he ducked inside and dug around for his phone on his desk. When he saw the tiny screen, lit up, revealing, not Blair's number, but something else entirely, he answered, stomach clenching almost nervously, eyebrows knit.

Blair quickly discovered that Roman wasn't as bad as she had originally decided. When she actually opened herself up to him, she found he had a kind, but witty humor, that made her laugh and joke along with him. His take on an American Thanksgiving dinner was generally better than the catered food she usually ate at home, and when she paired this with the company of her father and his boyfriend, she couldn't help but realize how wonderful it all was. Never, in a million years, would she have believed this to be her ideal Thanksgiving: she wasn't even in the United States, the food had a hint of France, she was with her father and his lover, and the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade was nowhere in sight or sound; but it was all still so great to her. It wasn't ideal, but it was what she needed.

After dinner had been finished, and then dessert, Harold and Roman began to act strangely. They smirked and shared glances, suggesting that they knew something she didn't. It started during the serving of the pumpkin pie, and lasted all the way to the sipping of the last coffee dregs, when Harold began to check his phone continuously. Finally, when Blair couldn't take it anymore, she lightly smacked the table, getting their attention.

She wondered, "What is this? What's the secret I'm obviously missing out on?"

With one last glance toward Roman, and a smirk on his lips, Harold said, "It's time for your surprise."

"Surprise?" Blair knotted her eyebrows delicately.

Harold and Roman nodded, "I told you we had a surprise for you, when we were at the airport."

Her father picking her up at the airport seemed like years ago, but she did remember it.

"Come," Roman said, standing. "We will show you," and he left the kitchen.

Blair followed the two men into the living room, where they instructed her to sit in an arm chair. She did so. They didn't sit down though, they stood over her, smiling expectantly, waiting impatiently. Blair stared back, wondering when the surprise would be revealed, hoping it hadn't already. Harold's phone pinged, and he opened it, smiled, and said, "I'll be right back." He walked to the front door, and outside.

When she looked at Roman, he was smiling wildly, "You will love it."

A slight trembling began to shake Blair's body with anticipation. She was excited now. What could this surprise be? She envisioned Chanel, or Cartier. New handbags, smelling of the designer boutiques they had just arrived from. Sparkling diamonds, or maybe a new ruby ring, one that was even more beautiful, bigger. It all seemed so wonderful- the whole day- it was turning out so great, far better than anything she had been expecting.

The front door opened again and Harold peeked his head in, "Roman, cover her eyes!" he said excitedly.

Nearly giggling, Roman did so. All Blair saw was darkness, she couldn't peek (as she would have) even if she tried to open her eyes. She smelled Roman's cologne, felt his soft hands against her lids. His breathing was strangled behind her, marred by the giggling he was trying to keep at bay. Jesus Christ, Blair thought sarcastically, excitedly, what the hell could have them this excited?

And then, after she heard the shuffling of feet, slight, discernible whispering, and some more held-back laughter, Roman pulled his hands away. Blair's eyelids stuck together for a moment, but she finally managed to open them, and they fluttered until she could see properly. At first, all she could take in was her father standing beside another figure, and she knew it wasn't Roman, because Roman was now giggling girlishly, loudly, and almost with a French tint to it, behind her. And then when her eyes focused, and she realized who was standing before her, she froze. She had to be hallucinating, she wanted to be. After all the trouble of leaving New York, to get away from everyone... Roman and Harold hadn't really gone and done this, gone through all the trouble of getting- But here? They had brought- She wanted to scream. Instead, she tried to smile.

Well, surprise?

"Dan?"

He didn't respond right away- He was almost too shocked to.

The voice filled his head again, "Dan, are you there?"

Clearing his throat, he said, "Y-Yeah, I'm here."

It wasn't all that unusual for his mother to call him, but he just found it disconcerting when she called, just when he had thought about how pissed he was at her and Blair.

"Dan," it sounded like she was crying. "I'm sorry I'm calling so late- Did I wake you?"

Harsh and angry, Dan said, "No."

"O-Oh, well, that's good," she replied. "I just- I needed to talk to you."

He waited.

Over the phone, he heard her take a deep breath, "It's about the current situation-"

"Oh, you mean with you off having a great time, screwing around in Hudson, while we all wonder over here?" he asked, surprisingly bitter and sarcastic,

"Daniel," his mother said warningly. "I know you're angry, but that doesn't give you license to be an ass hole."

There's nothing like calling your child a profane term to show your love for him.

He shut up, waiting.

"Look," she began. "I called, because I've been thinking about some of the things your father told me today... I'm sorry I put you all through this- It was selfish and irresponsible of me-"

Dan cut her off, having no patience for her sob-story, when he, himself, couldn't think straight, "Yeah, it was."

"But, Dan," she cut across him, pretending she hadn't heard. "Please, remember: before I'm a mother or a wife, I'm my own person," a slight sob cut through her words. "I love you and your sister more than anything in the world, but things changed between your father and I and I didn't want to admit it to myself- I tried to run away from my problems..."

Dan waited, holding his breath. He hated to hear his mother cry, the sight or sound of it always broke down a defense within him, as if he wanted to protect and defend her. Even though he was furious at her for her abandonment, he couldn't help but feel bad. She was obviously hurt by what she had done, and although he thought she deserved it on some level, he also wanted her to understand that he would forgive her if she was really sorry. And she said she was her own person... Well, wasn't that true- Of all parents, husbands, wives, children? How could someone be constantly and irrevocably selfless, after being an independent person for their whole life? He was sure if he had kids he would be selfless when it came to them- when it came to his wife or the love of his life. But, what if he slipped up once? What if he thought about himself just once, and he did feel bad, but he was his own person? Wouldn't it be possible to forgive that? Couldn't he try to understand that?

His mother spoke again, sniffing through a tear-clotted nose, "I was selfish, but I want you to know that I love you and your sister- you need to know that."

"I know that, Mom," he whispered in return, feeling heavy with guilt all of a sudden.

She gave a watery laugh, "I've been thinking about this all day- Your father and I aren't going to be together much longer, and it won't be a messy, horrible divorce," she told him. "It will be clean and quick and everything will be fine..." she trailed off. "I'm staying in Hudson though, and I'll understand if you and your sister want to stay in the city with your father- but you two are welcome any time you want- if you even wanted to leave the city-"

"Mom," he stopped her. "I want to stay here, but I'll visit you- we'll visit you a lot."

"Thank you," she said, and he could hear the smile in her voice.

The phone went silent for a moment. Dan didn't say anything, because it seemed that his mother wasn't finished with what she had to say.

After a quiet minute or two, she said, "I'm sorry I called so late but, I had to tell you all of this, Dan," she sniffed again. "I'm so sorry."

"Mom, I forgive you- at the very least, I'm beginning to understand."

"You're turning out a lot better than I could have ever hoped," she laughed.

Dan laughed a little with her, "Thanks Mom."

"God, I'm a blubbering idiot- calling you to explain myself-"

"Mom, please don't beat yourself up over calling me," he told her. "I'm really glad you did."

She sighed, "Thank you."

"Thanks for calling to tell me all of this, Mom," he replied, feeling a lot less resentful towards her.

In return, she said, "We'll have a long talk with Jenny too- Just the three of us," she said, sounding lighter, relieved. "Just come and visit anytime you want to."

"We will, Mom."

"All right- I'm hanging up now," she said, sniffing once more. "I'm keeping you awake."

He laughed a little, "Good night."

Before she hung up, she said, "I love you Dan."

"I love you too, Mom," he said, smiling slightly to himself.

And they hung up.

Maybe now he'll be able to get some sleep.

Or not?

"Nate?" Blair managed to croak, hoping the disappointment and horror wasn't visible on her face.

Nate was smiling though, his green, sparkling eyes crinkled at the corners. He was dressed in jeans and a familiar moss-colored sweater, with a jacket over it all. At his feet was a suitcase. Blair swallowed. Was he staying the whole time she'd be at her father's? She felt like screaming.

Taking a step forward as she stood up, Nate asked, "Are you surprised?"

"You can't imagine," she replied, smiling stiffly.

Harold moved toward them, smiling proudly, "Nate's staying with his mother and grandmother on the Cote d'Azur for the weekend, and I suggested to Mrs. Archibald that he visit with us overnight."

Blair wished they hadn't surprised her with this. If she had been warned ahead of time she could have made up some excuse as to why she didn't want Nate to visit. She could have said they had gotten into a fight, or that he was too busy with extra school work, or that he was going to Nantucket for the long weekend. Hell, she would have even told him the truth if she knew this was coming. But no. The whole cluster of Upper East Side parentals had to email and chat and keep each other connected. So, now she was stuck with one of the people she had been aiming to avoid over her stay in France.

She would have even preferred to be stuck with Dan.

"Are you not excited, Blair?" Roman asked cheerfully, thinking that she was too shocked to vocalize her happiness.

Snapping into a mask of faux excitement, she smiled, "Of course I am!" With stilted actions, she reached forward and squeezed Nate's upper arm, saying, "Who knew I'd be able to see my boyfriend while I was visiting you in France!"

It took all of her strength to not clench her teeth while she said 'boyfriend.'

Nate's smile widened, "I'll only be here until tomorrow afternoon, but I thought you'd like to see me."

How fucking clueless are you? Blair silently wondered.

"Yeah," she said, hoping she sounded enthusiastic enough. "This is great!"

After a beat of awkward silence, Harold stepped forward, "Nate, you can take your coat off and get settled- I'm sure you two want to hang out- Roman and I will just take your suitcase up to the guest room and you guys can watch TV, or whatever you'd like," he said amiably. "We'll just be in the kitchen," he said, with a hint of a warning, as if they planned on having sex on the couch.

Ha. Not likely, Papa Waldorf.

Harold took Nate's suitcase, and both, he and Roman, left the room.

Nate shrugged off his coat, and Blair automatically took it from him, placing it in the closet. She wasn't thinking about what she was doing, only trying to put some space between herself and her estranged boyfriend. Her brain was moving too fast for her to handle, and she blinked furiously, trying to will the confusion away. How did this happen? she wondered. Why, when she had been so in control of every aspect of her life, had this happened? The more she tried to gain government over herself, the more she lost at it. And Blair was so deep in thought about her loss of control, that she didn't notice Nate had walked up behind her until she turned around. She gasped slightly, and he smiled, revealing perfectly expensive, white teeth. Placing his arms around her waist, he pulled her tight. The action made her nervous, and she didn't like it. In turn, this made her mind race. She had loved Nate. Loved him. She had been crushed when she had found out about Serena and him- had wanted to lose her virginity to him- had wanted to spend the rest of her life with him because he was so perfect, so ideal. Were the circumstances different- if he hadn't flirted with Serena, if she hadn't plotted to use Dan to get back at them- she would have loved for him to visit her in France. It would have been the perfect twist to the movie that was her life. The scenes that made the audience 'aw!' But everything was different now. Her love was dwindling precariously, and now she couldn't stand to touch him, or to have him touch her.

"I missed you," Nate whispered, his breath hot and thick against her face.

She laughed nervously, trying slightly to wriggle out of his grasp, "I've only been gone a day-"

"Yeah," he said, kissing her cheek lightly. "But I feel like we haven't spent any time together in forever."

You didn't seem to mind when you were fucking flirting with my best friend, she wanted to scream, but she just bit her tongue.

Nodding, she swallowed, stiffening a little as he brushed his lips against the skin of her neck. Normally, such an act would have her shivering with pleasure- but this was Nate.

Oh, right.

He trailed kisses up her neck and over her jaw, until he reached her lips. The kiss was awkward and strange, as Nate was moving his lips against hers with a fury that was hot and anxious, while she was hardly responding to his touch. She wanted to get out, and all she could think about was how to get away from his embrace- any kind of contact with him- while his tongue began to prod and dart at her mouth, trying to pry her lips apart. Holding back a squeal of disgust and anxiety, she restrained herself, pushing him away gently. He pulled away, looking at her, his eyebrows knotted, his eyes hurt. She tried to smile flirtatiously, detaching his arms from around her, leading him to the couches.

"My dad and Roman are in the other room," she said, hoping she sounded like it was an inconvenience. "Let's just talk for a little."

She sat a good two feet away from him, stiff and rigid, trying to seem comfortable and easy, in a situation that made her angry and restless.

Nate stared at her admiringly, asking, "So, what have you been doing lately? We haven't talked in a while."

Well, I've been plotting to break your heart, trying to screw over my best friend, regrettably falling for a boy from Brooklyn, and losing my virginity to said Brooklyn boy. And yourself?

"School, shopping," she waved it away. "You know."

He nodded, "Have you gotten your dress for the winter formal yet?"

She froze.

"No," she said, her throat thick all of a sudden. "That's not until next month."

He smirked, "November's almost over, Blair- The formal's always in the beginning of December anyway. It's only in a week."

Fuck.

"Oh," she managed to say.

"Besides," he nudged her leg. "You always shop earlier than it's necessary."

She forced a laugh, feeling cold and sick all over. Her limbs had gone weak, and her body began to tremble slightly. The formal was in two weeks? She hadn't even realized. And what was she going to do about Dan and Serena and Nate? Should she just go through with it and tell everyone the truth about her feelings for Dan? She'd be getting back at Nate and Serena, but she'd also be showing Dan that she wasn't ashamed of him.

Or should she tell Dan the truth? that she had been using him, but that she felt differently now, and that she was sorry? She winced at the very idea of him knowing the truth. She couldn't. And she didn't feel differently. She didn't love him. She didn't want to.

But, why?

Nate was talking to her, waiting for her to respond, but she hadn't heard him, hadn't been paying attention.

She blinked, "Sorry?"

"I wanted to know if you wanted to get a limo with Chuck and Serena and Dan for the formal," he asked.

Her heart sped up dangerously, "Dan? Why would we share a limo with Dan?"

"Because he's probably going to be Serena's date," he said slowly, looking at her strangely. "Are you feeling all right?"

She swallowed, "I'm just- I'm tired."

"Do you want to go to bed early?" he asked.

Anything to get away from him. She nodded.

His face fell, but he stood up, "I'll walk you upstairs."

"I'm sorry- If I had known you were coming I would have taken a nap or something," she tried to smile through her lie. "We'll hang out all morning," the suggestion was bitter in her mouth, but she knew it had to be true, or else he'd wonder why she was so distant.

He nodded, seeming to be appeased, "Sounds perfect."

Yeah, maybe for you.

The morning after Thanksgiving, Dan stumbled into Jenny's room, hoping to see if she was feeling all right about the divorce announcement. Finding her iPod, work out clothes, and sneakers gone, he realized he had missed her for her morning jog. About to turn and leave, his gaze caught the sight of her open laptop. As was to be expected, GossipGirl's web site was open. He was about to roll his eyes and leave the room- only, a bold headline caught his eye.

N Buys a Ticket to Lyon

With trepidation in his steps, he walked over to the computer. Scanning the page with furious eyes, he gathered that on his way to vacation on the coast with his mother and grandmother, Nate was staying with Blair and her father at the vineyard. GossipGirl made some forced-witty comments about how Nate couldn't bear to be away from Blair over the weekend, how they were inseparable, how GossipGirl was beginning to wonder if the golden couple had been falling apart, but was relieved to see they were going strong, and how they would walk through the rows of burgundy, holding hands, looking gorgeous and perfect. It was all enough to make Dan sick. Not only was Blair in France, vacationing, while he went crazy over their situation, she was also stringing Nate along so she could have some kind of romantic redness. The very suggestion made his blood boil. He clenched his jaw, gripped his hands into fists, and left the room, entered his own, and slammed his bedroom door behind him.

New headline for GossipGirl: Lonely Boy Has Hissy Fit.

Sometime after Roman and Harold had retired for the night, when Blair was laying in her bedroom, trying to sleep, trying to keep herself from thinking too deeply, she heard a soft knock at her door. For a moment, she contemplated pretending to be asleep. But then, the hope of her father wanting to have a heart-to-heart, one in which she could spill her guts out to him, and have him tell her what to do about Dan and Nate and everyone, made her sit up. Quietly, she told whoever it was to come in.

Her heart deflated when Nate timidly walked into the room.

"I couldn't sleep," he whispered. "Did I wake you up?"

Giving in, she shook her head.

Smiling softly, he asked, "Can I come in?"

She wanted to say no, but she knew that if she was the girlfriend she was pretending to be, she wouldn't mind if he came in, so she said, "Sure."

He shuffled over to her bed, dressed in flannel pajama bottoms and a t-shirt, his hair rumpled and endearing. Seeing him look so adorable, wanting to come into her bedroom- it all made her fully realize why she had loved him, why she had fallen so hard for him in the first place. It didn't change anything though. She didn't feel that pull at the bottom of her stomach when he smiled. Her heart didn't speed up whenever he got near, not in a good way anyway. She noted all of his annoying habits and tendencies that she had found endearing, the ones that now pissed her off. She would have done anything- would have given up anything- to have him love her unconditionally, but now- now she didn't seem to care either way. It was all different now.

When he pulled back the covers and slid into bed behind her, putting his arms around her, she cringed and stiffened, but he didn't seem to notice. Blair almost wondered why he was getting into her bed, why he thought that was okay. He's your boyfriend, she reminded herself, a few months ago this would have been expected of him. So, she tried to relax and stay normal.

"How come you're still up?" he whispered into her ear. "I thought you were tired."

She lied, "I was- I just- I've been thinking about what to wear for the formal."

He chuckled, "That's why I love you," he said. "Always wrapped up in your world."

"Hmm," was all she said, staring at the dresser across the room, distracted by all of the confusion swirling within her.

They fell into silence for several long minutes. Blair didn't want to make any attempt at conversation, hoping that if Nate thought she had fallen asleep, he would leave. Forcing her breathing to even out and for her whole body to loosen within his arms, she pretended to be drifting off. It was hard though, to completely relax and calm herself down when she felt so sure that her life was spinning out of control. The agitation seemed to buzz under her skin, and she wished she had a Valium to calm herself down.

After a few more minutes, Nate whispered, "Blair?"

"Hm?" she responded, completely forgetting about her charade of being asleep.

"Look at me," he insisted gently.

Feeling that she had no choice, she turned in his arms and faced him.

Nate smiled softly, saying, "There was a reason I came here to visit you."

"What was that?" Blair whispered, almost inaudibly.

He lifted his hand, playing with a lock of her hair. When he didn't say anything, Blair's restlessness intensified. She had no time for games of suspense or romance with Nate. All she wanted was for him to get to the point, and that was it. Did he come here to break up with her? to tell her he loved Serena? To tell her he was going to rehab for his love of pot? to tell her that he knew about her and Dan? She suddenly wanted to kick or hit him.

She swallowed, prompting him, "Nate?"

He met her eyes again, their faces only a few inches apart, softly and slowly, he said, "Do you remember the day of the brunch- when you took me up to Chuck's suite?"

Blair nodded.

"I was glad that you wanted that- with me," he said, looking away for a moment, still playing with her hair. "But I remember that I kept wishing I had saved myself for you in return."

Was he lying? Blair wondered. Had his dad told him that she was in France- that he had been neglecting her for too long and needed to do something so Eleanor would be happy? She couldn't tell. And what did it matter if he was saying all of this because he wanted to- the point was, he had lied to her, had stayed with her only because his father had told him to. He had done it once, and what he felt now- if he really felt it- didn't matter. Even if he could prove that what he was saying and what he felt were true, she would never believe him. If she loved him in return even, she could never trust him or feel confident enough to be his girlfriend without being suspicious and unsure.

He spoke again, saying, "I am sorry that I had sex with Serena," he looked into her eyes again. "I would take it all back if I could."

Liar, Blair wanted to say. After all, she had heard him say it to the Captain at the anniversary party, that he liked Serena.

When she didn't say anything for a long time, he tried to smile, "Say something."

"I don't know what you want me to say," she told him truthfully.

He stroked her cheek with the tip of his finger, "Say that you forgive me."

Because she didn't know what else she could say, she said, "I forgive you."

Slowly, Nate leaned in and kissed her. She didn't cringe away, because she was getting better at steeling herself for these things. This was proven over the course of the next few minutes. She didn't flinch when he cupped her face, didn't push him away when his tongue made its way into her mouth, didn't stop him when he tangled his hands in her hair, she didn't even prevent the kiss from deepening, turning hot and dangerous. And when he took his shirt off, looking at her meaningfully, she gave up completely. It was so clear to her that all the control and power she had over her life and the happenings within it, was gone. What else could she do, but let things happen the way they were bound to happen? She didn't want to have sex with Nate, but he wanted to. Maybe if she let things go the way everyone else wanted them to, she would gain back her rule and her reign.

"I love you," Nate said passionately, hovering above her, almost completely undressed.

She wanted to scream at him though.

You don't love me! she wanted to push and kick and yell at him. You don't even know me!

And it was true. He didn't know that she made herself throw up when she was anxious, or what made her anxious. He didn't know what he could say and when to say it, or the things to do that made her feel better. It wasn't important enough to him to figure out why she liked Breakfast at Tiffany's, or all things Audrey Hepburn. She was sure that he didn't know that she cried over her father's absence for months before she could sleep without tears falling out of her eyes and sobs silently racking her body. He didn't know her favorite food, animal, designer, song, color, anything. Even after dating for years, he didn't know. He didn't care enough to know. What did it matter to him that she wanted to go to Yale and study international relations? What did he get out of hearing about her childhood nightmare of clown-masked men chasing her around Central Park? It was of no advantage to him to comfort her as she cried over something, unless she would have sex with him afterward. He had even forgotten about her birthday. If there wasn't something in it for him, he didn't care. And if he didn't know her, how could he love her?

Dan, however , knew all of these things. Over the course of their relationship they had made-out more than talked, but there had been moments when things would come up. What do you want to study in college? Audrey Hepburn's cool and everything, but why do you like her so much? I know that your parents aren't together anymore, and my parents are sort of taking a separation, but were you okay with that kind of situation at first? Why are you so afraid of clowns? Should I put on Breakfast at Tiffany's before you bite my head off over the B you got on your test? He didn't need to know- he didn't have to care- but he did, and he knew her for it. And as Nate leaned in and kissed her neck, she marveled at how well she and Dan had gotten to know each other. For weeks she had been convincing herself that it was just physical, that that was all they had- she hadn't even noticed how close they had gotten through just a bit of talking.

But she pushed Dan from her mind, because as soon as he entered into her train of thought a harsh anxiety ripped at her insides. So, instead, she focused on Nate, who was getting closer and closer to being her 'second time.' Don't think about it, she told herself. You have no fucking control over anything anyway. And she just gave in completely, surrendering to the workings of the world, the workings that were so clearly against her, so clearly in league with everyone ripping away any kind of power she might have had.

Nate left the following afternoon, kissing her goodbye and squeezing her hand. Behind his smile, though, she could see his lies. He still loved Serena, and he was keeping up this falsity for the Captain. But that was fine with her, if he wanted to keep up a relationship for show, then who was she to deny him? Who was she to deny anyone?

She had lunch with Roman and her father, but their banter and laughing soon became too much for her. Their volumes were too high, their happiness too vivid, their smiles too bright, their lives just too complete. When the glare of the conversation became too much for her, she asked if she could walk around the vineyard. Her father offered to come with her, but she insisted that he stay, that she just wanted to do some exploring. Harold seemed to take the hint, that she wanted to be alone, and poured himself and Roman another cup of coffee, watching Blair leave the kitchen to retrieve her coat and boots.

It was as if she could finally breathe when she was walking through the rows of burgundy. The world around her was stark with winter, but the simplicity of death by frost was easier to bear than the richness of summer or spring. There were no houses for miles and miles, and the rolling fields of grass and shrubbery, and the vast strip of overcast sky, made her feel like there was enough room for her thoughts to flit away and leave her mind. Even though it was bitingly cold, the temperature didn't affect her thought process. She rubbed her hands together in her gloves, stomped her a feet a little as she walked, her toes going numb and stiff, but she still thought about the things she wanted to ignore. Her brain still called up images of Dan laughing, oblivious to the fact that she had had sex with Nate the previous night. And the guilt gnawed at her, regardless of whether she was freezing or burning, whether she had liked it or not, or whether she was crying or laughing. Her conscience didn't care either way, and so, she was trapped.

What the fuck? Blair snapped to herself. I've never cared about screwing anyone over before.

And for a moment, she thought, maybe I'm not really guilty- but Dan entered her mind, and she knew that she was.

She came to an aging, stone bench, set up on the perimeter of the vineyard. Sitting down, she looked over the rows of burgundy, to the house that seemed miles away now. A sharp wind blew over her, pushing strands of hair into her face, and she shook slightly. The bench was uncomfortable, hard and cold, underneath her, but her thoughts didn't linger on the fact. Instead, she thought about her return to New York, and what awaited her there.

Serena.

Nate.

The Winter Formal.

Dan.

She swallowed.

So, what are you going to do?

Now that she was alone in France- so far away from everything she was trying to run from- she felt like she could actually think. So, she did.

When she thought about it, she knew that she wasn't even interested in Nate anymore- despite her thoughtless actions of the previous night- and that she didn't care about getting revenge because she had been scorned. She wanted him to get what he deserved for using her, for lying to her, for his father, but she didn't think he needed his heart broken. An eye for an eye? That wasn't the case. She just didn't care enough about it anymore to hurt him in that way. And besides, would he care if she revealed that she had been cheating on him? with a boy from Brooklyn? When he loved Serena anyway? Maybe he was confused, but she didn't know or care. And what did it matter if Serena had slept with Nate, or that she had flirted with him afterward? Blair didn't want to screw her over either. It didn't make a difference. It just didn't matter anymore. They didn't need to know the truth, because that had been her plan all along. Though she would have been lying in saying that she had been having an affair with Dan because she actually liked him, she knew it was true now, and they didn't need to know that. The whole plan had been ruined- reversed- and it made no difference. She would break up with Nate- maybe she'd have to wait awhile for the reasoning to seem natural, but that was okay. And she would try to be friends with Serena again- a good friend, like they had been. And perhaps she'd tell them the truth one day, but not to hurt them, just because they deserved it.

And Dan?

She bit her lip painfully.

What would happen with Dan? What did she feel about Dan?

I love him.

The answer was immediate and true. She loved him. More than she had ever loved Nate, more than she thought she could ever love Nate. He wasn't like any of the handsome heroes in her Audrey Hepburn movies, except that he was genuinely noble and kind. He didn't look like Humphrey Bogart, or have the swagger of Fred Astaire, but he loved her, better than she imagined any romantic lead ever could. And with all that love, he had cared for her and worried about her, had been honest with her and had gotten to know her. What had she done in return? She had lied to him and used him. It was painful to think about, but it was true. He deserved the truth- least of all. And so she would tell him the honest-to-goodness truth when she returned. Even if he refused to speak to her, or if he called her a heartless bitch afterward- she would tell him the truth, and leave the rest up to fate.

She stood up from her bench, beginning to walk back across the vineyard. For the first time in weeks, she felt light and easy- as if she could breathe. She had nothing to worry about, nothing to figure out. It was all there, all planned out- it all made sense, and it would all go smoothly. She knew the truth now- that she loved Dan- that she loved him with all her heart. And that fact alone, without any lying or implications of farce, was enough to lift the burden that had been set on her shoulders for weeks.

Everything would work itself out.

Yeah, because that's always the case.

Dan took the day after Thanksgiving to reevaluate himself and the situation at hand.

First: He was sure that he loved Blair, and there was no use in trying to deny it.

Second: Blair wasn't as interested in him, as much he was interested in her. Example: She didn't care about their fight enough to stay in town- and she was in France with her BOYFRIEND. And the fact that she wouldn't break up with said boyfriend pretty much summed up her feelings for Dan.

Third: He had to end things with Serena at some point. Or else give her a real chance, and then break up with her when things didn't work out fairly.

Fourth: He was losing every scrap of dignity he had ever owned.

While taking an iPodless walk through Central Park- an attempt to work everything out- he found his thoughts tumbling around one another.

What had happened to the Dan who knew exactly what he did and didn't want? he wondered. He had been so against everything superficial, and, essentially, Upper East Side, but here he was, confused over Blair Waldorf. Queen B. And because Blair had convinced him to, he was dating her best friend at the same time. He was lying to nearly everyone- himself, included. Where had his morals run off to? Had the presence of Blair Waldorf ruined him as a person? He didn't want to think so. In a lot of ways, Blair made him a better person- it was the circumstances under which he had to navigate himself, that made him do things in an immoral way. Blair had nothing to do with.

Right, because you were dating someone's girlfriend, cheating on your supposed girlfriend, and lying about it all, before Blair came along.

Maybe it wasn't her doing, but she certainly brought it all on, he knew. But that was his fault. He had allowed himself to fall so deeply in love with her, that he had let her convince him to date Serena; to lie about their relationship; to keep the way she felt about him and how he felt about her a secret; to be her secret lover. Blindness by love had overtaken him, and he hadn't even questioned her motives, hadn't protested all that much. He had allowed her to drag him around on a leash, and he hadn't even stopped her, hadn't even strained against it. And he loved her- hell, he knew he loved her more than he had ever loved anyone- and if she really loved him, like she said she did, she would let him be his own person and end this charade. If she really loved him, she wouldn't insist they date other people at the same time, or keep their relationship a secret. He knew, that if she really loved him, she would be honest and upfront, with him and about him. And he couldn't let this confusing turmoil of lies and sneaking continue- not anymore.

When Blair returned from France, he decided, he would give her an ultimatum: We either end these other relationships, and you tell everyone what we really are, or I'm done, for good.

Author's Note: Sorry this update took so long! As I said, I've had school (a research paper due on Friday that I haven't even started: Eeeeeeeeek!), drama with friends like you wouldn't believe, a vacation, and an amazing John Mayer concert! The chapter was quite long though. Hope you all liked it! Reviewing is always greatly appreciated!