Author's Note: Sorry that this chapter took a little bit of time to get up; I've been working on some other stories and, also, having a really crappy end to the summer- So much so that I'm glad school is starting. Haha, yeah. Anyway, glad no one hated chapter nineteen with a passion! Thanks for the reviews! Here is chapter twenty! Enjoy!
Chapter Twenty
"There's something 'bout the way you looked at me
Made me think for a moment,
That maybe we were meant to be
Living life separately
And it's strange that things change
But not me wanting you so desperately
Oh, why can't I ignore it?
I keep giving in but I should know better
'cause there was something
'bout the way you looked at me
And it's strange that's things change
But not me wanting you, so desperately."
-Michelle Branch
Somehow, Blair managed to avoid Dan on Tuesday and Wednesday. Really, it wasn't all that hard. What with her catching up on her extracurriculars, having Elsie the psycho-bitch (as Blair had so fondly nicknamed her after studying with her for three days) drilling SAT prep information into her brain, and having to field off apologies for her forgotten birthday, she was almost too busy to even think about Dan. Almost.
The image of Serena and him kissing was permanently etched into her brain, and she couldn't get away from it. Even when she thought it was slipping from her mind, she received a text from him, asking if they could meet- or a phone call that she would direct to voicemail- and the image came back. And the fact that all of his voicemails sounded desperate and pitiful, or annoyed and impatient, only made matters worse. Of course she wanted to see him! Of course she wanted to meet up with him! They hadn't properly spoken since their fight before she had gone to France. But she couldn't be near him- not now. Not when she was furious with him.
And that was the problem. Did she have a right to be angry with him? When she had insisted he date Serena in the first place? The whole thing really was her fault, but she was having trouble admitting that.
She contemplated whether she should be upset with Serena too- whether she should shift all of the blame to her 'best friend.' But, she immediately dismissed it. This wasn't like when Serena slept with Nate- she didn't even know Blair and Dan were involved. And Blair refused to use the blonde as some kind of scapegoat so she wouldn't have to be mad at Dan. Because it was hard staying mad at him when he cornered her in the hallway between French and Physics on Wednesday morning.
For the past two days Blair had been switching between starving herself, bingeing, and throwing up. The physical abuse, paired with the stress that the whole situation was putting on her, made her tremble when she walked, and when Dan tried to talk to her in school, she very nearly thought she would collapse.
"Blair," he said, his voice low and his face close to hers. "We need to talk."
She just walked right past him, trying to ignore all of the curious eyes that were staring at them.
That was when he grabbed her arm, "Blair-"
"Leave me alone," she snapped, wrenching herself away, pushing through bodies to get away from him and into the safety of the girl's bathroom. Once in there, she pretended she didn't care about the other girls by the sinks, and locked herself in a stall, feeling incredibly weak and frazzled. It was like the wires that connected her to her sanity were snapping, one by one. She had never felt so out-of-sorts over a boy before- yes, she had gotten close with Nate and his disloyalty with Serena, but, it was not the same- and it was setting her on edge.
Through all her stress-induced-almost-insanity, she had been able to avoid Dan, but, she hadn't been able to avoid Serena.
"What's wrong, B?" she had asked over her organic wrap on the steps of the Met, Wednesday at lunch. "You don't seem like yourself."
Blair had wanted to hiss and spit, like the unnamed-kitten under her bed who seemed to only like Dorota when it came to Blair's new-and-apparent funk. She contemplated saying, "Why don't you go eat lunch with Dan, and fuck the hell off?"
Instead, she said, "It's just the jet lag and the SAT prep- It's frying me, I guess."
Serena watched as Blair brought her water bottle to her lips, her hand making the bottle shake, taking a meek sip, before clasping it in her hands again.
"You're shivering pretty badly- Do you want to go back to school-"
"I'm fine," Blair snapped impatiently.
The blonde fell silent, choosing not to comment on her friend's lack of food at lunch on top of it all.
As Serena munched on her grilled vegetable wrap, Blair watched the traffic pass on Fifth Avenue. It had been foolish of Dan to try to talk to her at lunch- with so many people around who didn't know about them- but it was pretty smart of him to steer clear of her when she was eating lunch alone with Serena. Even so, she thought about their encounter in the corridor, shivering as the feel of his hand on her arm came back to her, burning icily. She hadn't been able to meet his eyes when he had said her name- had been too afraid that she would give in and sink into his arms. And, ultimately she was proud of herself for standing her ground, but, still miserable for all of the new reasons that came with the whole affair-with-Dan/screwing-over-Nate-and-Serena-? ordeal.
Suddenly, Serena was speaking again, "Omigod! You know what we should do?"
"What?" Blair asked, seeming almost disgusted at the idea of doing something with her best friend.
"We should go dress shopping right after school!" the blonde beamed brightly. "It'll totally pick you right up!"
Blair wanted to gag at the idea of shopping with Serena. She said, "Dresses for what?"
"The Winter Formal, duh!" she giggled.
Fuck, was Blair's initial thought-response.
"Oh, right," Blair replied. "Well, I mean- I want to, but I have SAT prep for two hours tonight."
For the first time, she felt grateful toward the dumpy, hairy-lipped drill sergeant that was pounding math figures and vocabulary words into her head like she could be the next messiah in doing so.
Serena shrugged, "You said you only had that from six to eight. We could shop before then!"
Blair wanted to smack herself for ever giving her friend that piece of information. But, then again, shopping might help to relax her. She could tune Serena out the whole time- maybe even lose her in the space of Barney's- and do her own thing. That wouldn't be so bad.
"Okay," Blair agreed with an almost-genuine smile. "That sounds like a good idea."
Besides, it's not like Dan would be at Barney's.
Don't count your chickens, darling B.
By Tuesday morning, Dan was sure that Blair had seen the GossipGirl post of him and Serena kissing. He tried getting her attention across the courtyard at school, tried texting her, calling, but nothing worked. He wanted to explain himself- although, he didn't feel like he necessarily had to- and give her his ultimatum. But no matter what he did, she ignored him. Every text was ignored. Every look he sent her never met her eyes, because she refused to look at him. And every single call was sent straight to voicemail. So, he left her a variety of messages.
Some of which, sounded something like, "Blair, I don't want to talk to your voicemail. I want to talk to you. I miss your voice- And, I mean, we have a lot to talk about. I know you're back and I'd like to talk to you in person. (Sigh.) I don't know why you're ignoring me, and I wish you wouldn't. Please, Blair, just- Call me back or text me- Anything. Bye."
And then, some sounded like this: "Blair, I don't want to talk to your voicemail. This is immature and ridiculous. We need to talk. You had your vacation and now we have to figure this out. Stop being selfish, please. If you're going to ignore me, than at least have the decency to have a reason to. How long do you think I can deal with this shit? There's only so much a person can take. Just- call me. Bye."
Neither seemed to have the effect he would have liked- meaning, she continued ignoring him. So, on Wednesday morning he approached her in the hallway at school.
Without even contemplating it- and having a sick need to be close to her- he got right into her face and furtively said, "Blair, we need to talk."
The panicked look that had suddenly adorned her face gave Dan some satisfaction after the hell she had put him through over the past days. But, ultimately he wanted to make her feel better. He stood his ground, however, and stared at her, his eyes intense and piercing. And when she tried to walk around him, he noticed all of the people in the hallway, watching them, gawking. But he wouldn't relent. He grabbed her arm to stop her, felt her shaking lightly, almost faltered, but continued.
"Blair-"
"Leave me alone!" she barked harshly in returned.
She wouldn't look him in the eye, but he could see the shadows and the redness there. He felt her shaking, saw how tired she was. It didn't take a genius to realize she was off-kilter- and Dan knew that, although it was partly his fault, a majority of it was because of Blair herself. She was just beating herself up- abusing herself- over everything. And because of the tiredness and anxiety he saw behind her face, he allowed her to wrench herself away from him, plow through all of the people in the hallway, and escape into the bathroom. Yes, he had let her go, but, he knew, he wasn't giving up.
Just as lunch ended, he received a text message from Serena.
Serena: Hope ur feelng bttr! Can't wait for the wntr frml on Fri!
Dan audibly groaned. He realized that he had somehow agreed to go with her, and because he was too good of a person, he knew that he couldn't dump her two days before the formal, dateless.
And obviously that cancels out the fact that he was cheating on her with her best friend for a little over a month, when it comes to morality.
Barney's was teeming with people on Wednesday afternoon. Tourists walked around the store, gaping at clothes they couldn't buy, taking pictures of mannequins, and collecting perfume samples. It was a weekday afternoon, and still, they were around the store, talking in different languages and glaring accents. Already Blair's head was aching. And, already, she had roughly slammed into six or seven negligent loiterers who had no right to be standing around when there was shopping to be done. Luckily though, she had managed to wander away from Serena, who was distracted by the perfumes downstairs. So, there was one good thing to be said for the afternoon.
"Do you need help, miss? I could get you another size-"
Blair cut off the sale's assistant, "I'm fine- Thanks," she snapped, zipping up the back of a Marc Jacobs dress.
Turning around, she looked at herself in the mirror, and rolled her eyes, irritated. Nothing seemed to fit properly. Everything was either too big in one area, or too baggy all together, or it was just ugly. Of course, she found things that she liked, but nothing that would do for the Winter Formal. She needed a gown. Even the Marc Jacobs dress she had on wasn't appropriate- it only stopped mid-shin.
What she needed to do was go to a boutique and find a perfectly fitted gown that would solve all her problems.
Because clothes have that power, in case you didn't know.
Practically growling in frustration, she unzipped the dress and yanked it off. Feeling as if she were going to scream, or rip her hair out, she got dressed in her own clothes, threw the dresses she had tried on onto the chair in the dressing room, and stalked out. She didn't care if it was rude or selfish of her, she was too stressed out. Nothing about the shopping trip was relaxing her or making her feel better. She only felt even more irritated and annoyed by the crowds and the impossibility of finding a proper dress. Even so, she went back to searching, stopping at a rack of long, green dresses, thumbing through them without really seeing anything.
"Blair?" she heard someone call her after a minute or two.
She turned, saw him, groaned inwardly, and then spun around again to return to her attempted-shopping.
Dan hadn't wanted to go to Barney's with his sister. But, she had told him that she only needed to pick up some shoes that were on sale, and then they would go out to eat. He had agreed, because- even though Barney's was extremely out of the way- he didn't mind. Besides, he needed a distraction from ruminating over Blair. And going uptown in the subway, navigating his way through tourists, and ignoring hits of perfume on the first floor of the department store, was enough to distract him almost completely.
And then, when Jenny had convinced him that she just needed to look at the new hats that were in, and that she would be 'just one more minute,' he saw Blair.
She was stomping across the floor, looking angry and frazzled, but almost vulnerable. He watched as she pushed through people and hurried over to a rack of clothing, flipping through dresses at high-speed, as if desperately looking for a life-vest before she drowned. For a moment, he just stared, mesmerized by her. She looked so worn and tired- nothing like the Blair Waldorf he knew- and he wanted to fix that. And before he could stop himself, he was making his way over to her, staring at the back she had turned to him.
"Blair?" he called hesitantly, as if he didn't want to scare her away.
When she turned and saw him, he noticed the fear and anxiety flit across her eyes. Immediately, she turned back around and began flipping through the dresses again.
He took another step toward her, and even though she wasn't looking at him, she knew he had done it, and her body tensed up even more.
Softly, he said, "Blair..."
"Go away," she said, her voice monotone and stoic.
He took hold of her arm, unable to help himself, and turned her around. The feel of his hand on her shoulder again, almost made her cry out. She wanted to throw her arms around him, to bury her face in his sweet-smelling chest and have him hold her, but she wouldn't allow herself that. With his hand on her, she had to make herself resist even more, and it was nearly impossible. She loved him, and she thought he loved her, but how could she know anymore? She had been so ready to confess her love to him- to tell him about trying to screw Serena and Nate over- but now she didn't think she could do that. He had kissed Serena, after he had so frankly told Blair he didn't like her best friend at all- didn't want to be involved with the blonde. What did he really feel then, if he had kissed her? She felt so out-of-sorts, as if she was constantly buzzing with anxiousness, and she couldn't calm herself down ever again. And Dan saw how restless she seemed, even though she wouldn't meet his eyes after she was turned around. It pained him to see her like this, but his ultimatum was there- at the back of this throat- and he knew he needed to replenish his dignity somehow.
"Why are you ignoring me, Blair?" he asked, his voice a little harsher than he would have liked it. "What is this about?"
She shook her head, trying to turn around again. He wouldn't let her move.
He gave her shoulder a gentle squeeze, "We have to talk."
Finally, she allowed herself to look into his eyes, and her heart nearly leapt out of her chest. Oh God, she loved him. She had never loved anyone like this before- so much so, that it was almost painful not to be near him, with him- but she was so hurt, and her intentions had been so shattered by what he had done with Serena, that she couldn't help but lash out angrily.
"We don't have to talk about anything!" she snapped, pulling herself out of his grasp. "Just leave me alone, Dan," and she turned back to the clothes, pretending that she cared what they looked like and what she could possibly wear.
Dan took a deep breath, "So, what is this then? Do you just want to end us, and act like it never happened?" It nearly ached to say it, but he didn't know what else to do.
Upon hearing his words, Blair slowed her search through the clothes. She didn't want to end things, she didn't want to pretend like it had never happened. On the contrary, she wanted to tell everyone that they were together, and start something real, but she didn't know how to go about that now. Turning slowly, she said, "I never said that-"
"B, I found some great- Dan? Hey! What are you doing here?"
Serena swooped down on them like a beautiful, blonde bird of prey. She kissed Dan on the cheek, oblivious to the tension in the air. She didn't see Blair visibly flinch at the kiss either. Instead, Serena smiled brightly and looked from her best friend, to Dan.
Dan recovered and said, "I was just here with Jenny and I saw Blair, so I thought I'd say hi."
Blair didn't say anything.
"Oh! That's cool," she said noncommittally. "Ohmigod! I have a great idea! We should all go out for dinner- You, me, B, Jenny- All of us!"
Dan would rather have spent the rest of his life in Barney's.
Feeling even more edgy and unnerved, Blair said, "I would- But, I can't," she avoided eye contact with either of them. "Elsie will be coming soon and my mom said she wanted me to help her with some designs or something," she babbled. "I have to go now anyway," she said in a rush, averting her eyes again. "I'll see you guys later."
And Dan watched as Blair hurried away from them, making her way out of the store as if her life depended on it.
"Well," Serena began slowly. "We can still go to dinner with Jenny, right?"
Sounds peachy.
Blair cut her way through the crowds on the sidewalk, feeling as if she needed to get away.
Really, she just wanted to scream and jump out of her skin. Hadn't she gone to France to get away? And hadn't she figured out this whole mess when she was there? Apparently not. And that fact made her want to tear at her hair and dig at her eyes. But, because her appearance was just too important for that, she walked as fast and hard as she could, wincing as her shoes cut into her feet. Relishing the blind clarity that came with such harshly cold winds and an overcast sky, she walked toward home.
Dan had asked her if she wanted to end their relationship- if it could be called that- and forget that it had ever happened. Was that what he wanted? Every time she saw him he was angry and irritated- because of her! Sure, she had received the pathetic messages from him, but the angry, impatient ones were far more popular. And she reminded herself of the fight they had had before she had even decided to go to France. He had been furious with her then too, thinking that she was shamed of him. So, was he now trying to end things with her for good? Had he finally had enough of her games- finally had enough of the bitch and realized he was too good for her? The very idea of it made her suck in a deep breath, walk faster, step harder, and forbid herself from crying.
She was Blair Waldorf, for crying out loud, but she had to remind herself of this over and over, if only to get her to the end of each sidewalk.
"Blair!"
She almost didn't turn around. The last time someone had called her name it had been disastrous. But she did turn. And, again, it was pretty disastrous.
Faintly, she said, "Nate. What are you doing here?" she tried to smile.
He laughed, looking at the building behind her, "I live here."
She looked, and it was, indeed, the Archibald townhouse she had been passing.
"I was just getting back from a meeting with the lacrosse team," he explained, as if she cared. "Hey- Why don't you come in?- My parents would love to say hi and we could bake cookies like we used to do every Friday afternoon freshmen year."
Nate's eyes were alight as he suggested this. And if he had suggested this weeks ago, Blair would have fainted in ecstasy. But because she knew what angle he was coming from, she knew that he wasn't pleased with the idea of spending time with her baking cookies. He was just excited about the idea of showing his father that he was really making an effort to please her. This fact, however, didn't matter to her. The idea of gooey, home-baked cookies, and the familiar warmth of the Archibald kitchen made her actually smile. So, who cared if Nate was attached to that equation? They didn't have to have sex, they could just talk and hang out like they had when Blair, Nate, and Serena had been best friends- before the drama of high school had set in. The idea was so appealing that Blair agreed to it, and allowed Nate to lead her inside.
B really, what the hell are you thinking?
Dan was tempted to take a salad fork and shove it into his eye, such was his agony over having dinner with Serena and Jenny.
The two girls were giggling and chatting over leafy salads, and he was watching them, having a hard time stomaching his own meal. Their talk was all about the Winter Formal. Jenny would be there as well, since it was for all of the high-schoolers, and she was more than happy to discuss the topic with the older girl. Dan stewed as they went over dress colors and what shoes would match, what jewelry was acceptable and if tiaras were tacky. By the time they were grilling him with information about corsages, he was ready to vomit. Instead, he just nodded and smiled, as if he was actually listening to all they were telling him about fashion and flowers.
But really, he was thinking about Blair.
Really, what a shocker that is!
When he had suggested she wanted them to end things, she had actually opposed it. This fact pleased him, but he still felt annoyed and confused. Was she willing to break up with Nate yet? Would she be angry if he stopped seeing Serena? He couldn't figure out her reasoning- why had she wanted him to continue dating Serena in the first place? In the beginning, she had told him it was because Serena was so hurt when he sort-of-dumped her. But he could see that Serena still had feelings for Nate (despite what she said and did when around him). She was too fake with her feelings for him, and genuine when it came to all things Nate. So why was he still in this twisted cluster-fuck? What the hell was keeping him tied down to this conflict?
Oh yeah, he remembered bitterly. I'm in love with Blair Waldorf.
"Are you guys going to formal in a limo?" Jenny asked.
He answered before Serena could, "No- It's not a prom."
Corsages? Fine. But he drew the line at limo. He felt he had to.
The rest of the meal managed to pass, without too much conversation about the formal. Instead, the girls gabbed about gossip, GossipGirl, and other nonsense that Dan could not focus on. When it was finally appropriate for them to pay and leave, he was thankful that he had made it through the evening alive. He was even more grateful when they decided to take separate cabs to get home. Being a gentleman, Dan hailed one for Serena first, and when he opened the door for her, she smiled at him, and- as if in slow motion- leaned in and kissed him. He kissed her back slightly, if only to not be an ass hole, and tried to smile when she drove off. He found it difficult.
And then, when he got into the next cab with Jenny, and she said, "You and Serena are so cute together," he nearly started crying.
How had things got so far? How had he got himself in so deep?
Is love grand, or what?
Captain and Mrs. Archibald were sitting in the living room- the same living room that Blair and Dan had sat in awkward silence at the anniversary party before she had begun her plan, she couldn't help but notice- when Blair and Nate got inside. Upon seeing them enter the room, the Captain's face lit up, and he put down his newspaper.
"Blair! What a nice surprise!" he gave Nate a pointedly appraising look that Blair couldn't help but notice.
She tried to smile at the two adults, saying, "How are you?"
"We're great- Just great," the Captain replied appreciatively. "And how's your mother?"
Blair contemplated screwing with them and telling him that her mother had checked herself into a mental hospital and was demanding the Archibald family have a second child, name it American Idol, and give it to her, or their business deal would be finished. But, she hadn't gone completely insane yet, so she just told him that her mother was extremely busy, but fine all the same. This seemed to placate Captain Archibald, and he continued smiling. Because her husband was pleased, Mrs. Archibald smiled too. For a moment, Blair wondered if Nate's mother was in on the 'date-Blair-or-you're-disowned' deal as well.
Then she asked, "What are you kids up to?"
"We're going to do some baking," Nate laughed. "Like old times."
Blair was sure the Captain had very nearly wet his pants because he was so happy.
Mrs. Archibald said, "There's cookie dough in the refrigerator, I think."
As if a Upper East Side mother would know what the hell is in the refrigerator.
"Thanks," Nate said, and he led Blair into the kitchen.
Once in the privacy of the expansive kitchen, Blair became aware of the uneasy feeling that was eating at her stomach again. She had been sure that being in the Archibald kitchen, baking, just hanging out, would make her feel better, but it wasn't. The idea had eased the tension in her mind and body for several minutes, but now it was back, and the kitchen wasn't helping. She dove into the baking with fervor though, insisting on cutting the packaged dough perfectly, and then placing them all on the cookie-sheet in exact patterning and spacing. Nate just watched her the whole time, a faint smile on his face. It was while she was working on the second sheet of dough-lumps that Nate came up from behind her and put his arms around her waist. She tensed up automatically, even edgier now, but he didn't seem to notice. He rested his chin on her shoulder, and slid over to kiss her neck.
Whispering in her ear, he said, "I haven't been able to stop thinking about that night in France."
She shivered in response- not from pleasure, but from nervousness.
"I feel like I haven't seen you in forever since then," he said, kissing her again.
Maybe because she hadn't seen him properly since France. For lack of trying though. He hadn't attempted to get in touch with her, and she hadn't tried to get a hold of him. It was clear to her that they were both only giving a halfhearted attempt at their relationship, and she almost laughed at how absurd it was that they were still together. He thought she still loved him and his father had insisted, so he kept trying. But she knew they both loved other people, so what the hell was the charade for?
Feeling almost dizzy from having not eaten a proper meal in days, and from the way her head was spinning through thoughts and ideas like lightening, she nearly fell over completely, wanting to give up. Instead, she managed to ask, "What time is it?"
Nate glanced at his watch, "Six ten."
She gasped, "Shit! My SAT tutor's at my house!" she wiped her hands on a dish towel on the counter. "I'm late!" she grabbed her coat and bag from the stool beside her and hurried out of the house, waving good-bye to Nate's parents before she finally escaped to freedom.
But Blair didn't really care if she was late for Elsie. Elsie could shove her prep books down her throat for all Blair cared at that moment. She had only used the tutor as an excuse to get out of the Archibald house and away from Nate. And, instead of walking the few blocks home, she got into a cab and asked to be dropped off somewhere else.
It was dark outside when she got to Tiffany's, but that didn't matter. Immediately, she walked inside and examined all the glittering jewelry through their glasses cases.
Every phone call from her mother was ignored. Every thought about Elsie or the SATs, or math or English had disappeared from her mind. Instead, she looked at the arrangements of engagement rings, and imagined scenarios in which her future husband proposed to her- with each different ring in each different scenario- in some hopelessly romantic way.
The only problem was, that when she tried to imagine her future husband, she kept seeing Nate, and then Dan. She settled on Prince William, because that was easiest, and she continued to daydream, choosing to ignore the drama in her life, rather than face it head-on.
So what is she going to do when she does have to deal with said drama? Sheer entertainment is bound to ensue.
Author's Note: Next chapter will be the Winter Formal! Ah! I made sure I had this chapter finished and posted today, just because of the season premiere tomorrow (is everyone- depending on where you live- having it premiere tomorrow?). Regardless, I'm freaking out for the new season! We'll have to wait and see how it turns out! Also, hope you liked chapter twenty! Thanks for reading, and reviewing is always greatly appreciated!