Disclaimer: I do not own La Corda D'Oro. Yuki Kure does. I simply own this original idea and anything non-canonical.

Pairing: Kanazawa/Kahoko, if you like.

Summary: It's not the looking back that's hard; it's the looking forward.

Author's Notes: This is a request/gift for Call Me Mars; hope you enjoy it! This scene would theoretically take place the day before the final concours.

Don't Look Back

"Kanazawa-sensei, can I ask a question?"

"I guess."

"It's kinda personal, though."

"Then no."

"Please?"

"Hino, either ask it or don't."

"Do you still have regrets?"

"Excuse me?"

"I remember you telling me, back when I was about to give up the violin, that it's a painful thing to close doors and not find new ones. And I remember how you took away the tape I found, and realized that what you told me wasn't just a toss-off line no matter how much you acted like it was."

"Are you leading this somewhere?"

"I just… I wish I hadn't broken my violin. I wish I had enough self-confidence so that I wouldn't be so reliant on everyone else. I wish I really deserved to be in the concours. I wish and wish and wish and keep looking back because I want to be worthy of the care and concern that you guys give me. And I thought that you would understand… and maybe tell me how I can stop regretting everything I've done."

Silence for a few minutes, as she looked out the window and watched the smoke from his cigarette rise into the air.

"I took up smoking because I learned to hate my voice."

She said nothing, eyes wide with pained curiosity, and he took a seat across from her on the windowsill.

"I met Caterina at the Royal College of Music in London. She was a composer; played a gorgeous oboe, but preferred to write rather than perform. She actually came up to me with a piece she had written for solo tenor, and we started dating pretty shortly after. We must have been together for a good six years before… before it happened."

A pause, as he took a drag and slowly blew smoke into the sky.

"When I was younger, I loved performing. Every waking moment was spent in song – humming, singing, anything that let the music take over my world. As I got older and realized that I had talent, and that said talent could take me anywhere I wanted to go, I began to love the spotlight until it mattered more than the music… and more than her. Everything was about me and my voice.

"Looking back, it's not really a surprise that everything fell apart. She might have been the one who had the affair, but emotionally I was the one who left her first."

He pulled the cigarette from his lips, now burned out, and flicked it out the window. "So I started drinking and smoking. It was my penance, destroying the thing that allowed me to have and lose her in the first place."

"But your voice was a gift! It was so wonderful!"

"My point is that I made a choice. Maybe I shouldn't have given up so easily on music, but I can't fix the past. I may never have imagined myself as a teacher, but I like it here. Seisou's where everything started for me, and I think I've come full circle now."

She looked back out the window, and in the light of the setting sun he saw her haloed in blond.

"So what are you saying, Kanazawa-sensei?"

"I've seen both sides of you, Hino – the woman who loves violin and music more than anything, and the little girl who doesn't want to face the mistakes she's made. Both exist and both are real, but you have to choose which one you want to be. There's no such thing as 'no regrets', but you need to live and make choices that you can be proud of, and once you make those decisions, live with them and keep moving forward."

"I really love the violin, you know."

"I know. We know. Why do you think everyone tried so hard before to keep you from giving up? Thank God you saw the light, or else we'd have some pretty despondent performers in the final round."

She giggled and he gave her a half-quirk smile.

"Can I ask… what was she like?"

"Caterina? She was a little like you, actually. When she set her mind to something, nothing could steer her away, and everything she did, she did with purpose."

"Do you wish you were still together?"

"Not really. More often I wish I hadn't started smoking."

"Why?"

"Because turning my back on music was like turning my back on who I was – who I am."

"But you lost someone you loved."

"There's no way you can have a relationship without being true to yourself first."

Her brow was furrowed, though in confusion or disagreement he couldn't tell which. After a minute or two of companionable quiet, she finally stood up.

"I know I said this before, but I really want to hear your music again."

"My voice wouldn't ever be like what you heard. Too old, too worn."

"No, I think it'd be wonderful."

He made a noncommittal sound in the back of his throat, and she appropriately translated it as a dismissal. Yet when she got to the door, she whirled around and literally threw herself against him, wrapping her arms around his neck in a tight, almost painful hug.

"I'm sorry that everything happened like that," she whispered, "but for what it's worth, I'm really glad you're here." Then she let him go and ran from the room, leaving him blinking in shock.

That night, he threw out his cigarettes, dug out an old book of tenor solos, and decided that second chances came even to crusty, jaded old men like him.

And that they came in the form of stubborn, impulsive, redheaded violinists.

Author's Notes (11/23/07): I don't know if there's actual information on Kanazawa's past, but I believe Caterina was actually his ex's name. I apologize if I've gone off the deep end with the non-canonical-ness.

Next chapter should be up on Monday, barring all unforeseen Real Life excitement. Most of the excitement was this week, anyway.