ACT 6, SCENE 48
INT. WILLIAM MCKINLEY HIGH, GYMNASIUM
FINN IS SUPERVISING A TEAM OF STUDENTS AS THEY SET UP THE GYM FOR THE NIGHT. THEY'RE PUTTING UP TABLES, UNFOLDING CHAIRS AND CONSTRUCTING THE STAGE.
FINN
Tom! Tommy, stop eating the glue!
SHEEPISH STUDENT PUTS A TUB OF GLUE DOWN. HE GIVES FINN A HANGDOG LOOK, HIS FINGER SLOWLY INCHING BACK TOWARD THE TUB. FINN RAISES A WARNING FINGER. THE KID PULLS HIS HAND AWAY. OVER ABOVE, MR. SCHUESTER ENTERS.
WILL
How's it going?
FINN
We'll be ready, Mr. Schu. No worries.
WILL
What about the Glee club? They ready?
FINN
Which one?
WILL
(SMILES)
Both.
FINN
My kids are ready. The others...
FINN SIGHS AND SHRUGS.
WILL
Let me guess... Rachel's hogging all the solos. Mercedes is pointing to the reasonable fact that she's a Grammy-winning artist, and Kurt's convinced he can sing better than both of them.
FINN
You know what they say, Mr. Schu. It's just a little case of history repeating.
WILL CHUCKLES. SUE ENTERS.
SUE
Ladies.
WILL
Hey, Sue.
FINN NODS A GREETING.
SUE
So, I just heard something disturbing. We're going to have to up security tonight.
WILL
Security? Why?
SUE
Well, it seems a phalanx of rabid fans have infested the Bingo-Bango Motor Home and Caravan Park. Much the same way the Mozambican super locust infested the ship of one Amerigo de Vespucci in 1487, just before his voyage to discover America.
FINN
Mr. Schu, what's a phalanx?
SUE
Now, forgetting the fact that motor homes and caravans are the same thing - you can't hold it against trailer trash that they don't know what redundancy is - you, as the history teacher, Will, are sure to remember that it was those locusts that chewed through the hull of the Mayflower when it arrived at Plymouth Rock, causing it to capsize, and everyone to fall in the water.
(BEAT)
If they hadn't, the pilgrims wouldn't have had colds, and the friendly Indians who helped them wouldn't have been wiped from the surface of the earth. In fact, the entire history of America would have been changed, and I would be able to use my given name - since I am one-sixteenth Comanche Indian. Do you know what it is?
WILL
I can't even begin to guess.
SUE
Hiccuping Caterpillar.
FINN
Is any of that true?
WILL
No.
SUE
All of it.
FINN
So there are fans in town?
SUE
You managed to follow the gist of the story. Well done, Chewbacca.
(BEAT)
Yes, there are fans in town. It seems they're split into four camps. The followers of Mrs. Mercedes Evans - who call themselves S-Class Chicks. I can't even begin to guess what that means.
WILL
It's a type of car that-
SUE
(CARRIES ON AS IF HE HADN'T INTERRUPTED)
Then there are the followers of our very own Wheels Abrahams. These fans are mostly middle-aged, with pot-bellies, and I have it on good authority that every single one of them still possesses a classic X-Box Kinect console. Nerds, I believe they're called.
(BEAT)
Most of them can currently be found occupying the parking lot at Wendy's.
WILL
And the other two?
SUE
Most interesting is this next group. They've been most successful at recruiting residents of the town into their ranks.
FINN
People who live here? Who-?
SUE
It seems not much has changed, and Noah Puckerman still attracts a certain kind of lady.
FINN
Ah! The bangin' MILF.
SUE
Mr. Hudson, I find that term offensive.
(BEAT)
Not all these women have children. If anything, they're cougars.
FINN
Sorry.
SUE
Last, but most certainly not least - are your girlfriend's fans, Chunky.
FINN
My girlfriend? What-?
SUE
Oh, please! A dyslexic freshman told me this morning that you slept with Rachel last night.
WILL
You slept with Rachel?
FINN
I... we... wha...?
SUE
That was my precise reaction to the news. You do a remarkable Sue impression.
WILL
Finn, are you sure that was a good idea?
FINN
Not now, Mr. Schu, please.
SUE
I agree. Any further details on Frankenstein making love to Esmerelda from the Hunchback of Notre Dame is sure to make me get reacquainted with my lunch.
(BEAT)
Though, I have to say, Sasquatch, her fans seem to be the most well-behaved of the lot.
FINN
They are?
SUE
They've already set up several fruit juice stations and a medical tent. The United States Army could use more Rachel Berry fans.
FINN
Is this going to be trouble?
SUE
I've already informed the police, and they'll let the various factions know that tonight's performance will be a private affair and they are to disperse in an orderly fashion. If they resist, I'll have no choice but to call in the National Guard.
WILL
The National Guard? Sue!
SUE
Needs must sometimes, William. We can't have a repeat of the Justin Bieber experience, now can we?
WILL
(SHUDDERS)
No.
SUE
Very well, then. Just wanted to keep you informed.
PUNCHING THEM BOTH ON THE ARM AND MAKING THEM WINCE, SUE HEADS OFF.
WILL
So... Rachel? Again?
FINN DOESN'T RESPOND - WATCHES THE KIDS SETTING UP THE STAGE.
WILL (cont'd)
Finn...
FINN
It's not Rachel again, Mr. Schu.
(BEAT)
It's Rachel always.
HE HEADS OFF. WILL LOOKS WORRIED.
CUT TO:
.
.
ACT 6, SCENE 49
EXT. HILL OVERLOOKING BINGO-BANGO
FORCED PERSPECTIVE - LOOKING THROUGH BINOCULARS - TIGHT ON A MASSIVE CROWD OF PEOPLE. THEY'RE DRIFTING BETWEEN SLIP-SHOD TEMPORARY FOOD STANDS AND MUCH STURDIER BEER TENTS. LOTS HAVE PLAIN WHITE T'S WITH EITHER 'TEAM RACHEL', 'TEAM MERCEDES' OR 'TEAM PUCK' WRITTEN ON THEM.
PULL BACK, REVEALING ARTIE, PUCK, RORY, MIKE, SAM, BLAINE AND KURT STANDING OUTSIDE FINN'S VAN ON A HIGH HILL LOOKING DOWN ON THE CARAVAN PARK. ARTIE'S GOT THE BINOCULARS.
ARTIE
This is insanity.
PUCK
Awesome insanity.
ARTIE
No such thing.
KURT
Artie's right. It's never gonna work.
BLAINE
Come on. Where's your sense of adventure?
PUCK
Thank you, Blaine, for being the only dude here with a set of balls.
RORY
Hey! I'm down with it.
KURT
You shouldn't say down with it in that accent.
RORY
And you shouldn't wear thigh-length sweater vests, so I guess we're all disappointed.
MIKE
Are we sure Coach Sylvester won't miss the equipment?
SAM
If she does, I got dibs on a spot in Artie's chopper outta town.
PUCK
Would you guys stop worrying? This is gonna be great.
ARTIE
You always say that. Right before we wake up in some dumpster in Connecticut.
PUCK
That happened two times!
(BEAT)
Don't you wanna know what it feels like to be a rock star?
SAM
Yeah!
BLAINE
Let's do this!
PUCK
Alright!
MIKE HELPS PUCK LOAD ARTIE IN BACK, THEN THEY ALL PILE INTO THE VAN. SAM GETS BEHIND THE WHEEL AND STARTS THE ENGINE.
THEY TRAWL DOWN THE HILL TOWARDS THE WIRE FENCE BORDERING THE PARK, AND PULL UP ALONGSIDE IT.
PUCK (cont'd)
Right here. Next to the outlet.
SAM KILLS THE ENGINE AND THEY PILE OUT. ARTIE STAYS WHERE HE IS.
PUCK (cont'd)
(TO ARTIE)
You control the sound from here.
ARTIE
Got it.
THE GUYS RUN A LONG CORD LEADING FROM THE MASS OF STEREO EQUIPMENT LOADED IN THE BACK OF THE VAN TO THE COMMUNAL POWER OUTLET SET INTO THE FENCE POST. THEN MIKE AND PUCK PASS MIC STANDS UP ONTO THE ROOF WHERE BLAINE, KURT, SAM AND RORY ASSEMBLE THEM. FINALLY, THE MICS AND INSTRUMENTS THEMSELVES GO UP, BEFORE PUCK AND MIKE JOIN THE OTHERS ON THE ROOF.
PUCK
(INTO HIS MIC)
Testing... testing...
THERE'S A LITTLE FEEDBACK, WHICH ARTIE QUICKLY ADJUSTS, AND SOON PUCK'S VOICE IS BOOMING OUT ACROSS THE FIELD.
PUCK (cont'd)
Hello, visitors to Ohio!
THE CROWD ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE FENCE TURN THIS WAY AND THAT, TRYING TO LOCATE THE SOURCE OF THE VOICE. THEN THEY START DRIFTING OVER.
PUCK (cont'd)
Welcome to Lima, my home town! I am Noah Puckerman!
SUDDENLY, THERE'S A SERIES OF EAR-SPLITTING SCREAMS IN THE CROWD, AND A MULTITUDE OF WOMEN, NONE YOUNGER THAN 35, START RUSHING FORWARD UNTIL THEY'RE PRESSED RIGHT UP AGAINST THE FENCE. SOME ARE ALREADY UNCLIPPING THEIR BRAS EN ROUTE.
PUCK(cont'd)
Unfortunately, the town's declared that you guys won't be able to come to the show at the school tonight...
BOOS FROM THE CROWD.
PUCK (cont'd)
But we thought, since you guys came all the way here, we'd give you a little impromptu show right now!
CHEERS FROM THE CROWD. MIKE LEANS OVER, COVERING THE MICROPHONE WITH HIS HAND.
MIKE
Where'd you learn the word impromptu?
PUCK
(IGNORES HIM, TO CROWD)
I wanna hear y'all show some love for my pals from New Directions!
(CHEERS)
The Asian Sensation - straight from Carnegie Hall, Mr. Mike Chang!
(CHEERS)
And from someplace far away where they speak funny-
RORY
Ireland, you twit!
PUCK
Rory Flanagan!
(CHEERS)
The man better known as Mr. Mercedes Jones-
SAM
Oh, come on!
PUCK
Sam Evans!
(CHEERS)
Mr. - or Mrs - Broadway himself - or herself...
KURT
Don't push it, Puckerman!
PUCK
Kurt Hummel!
(CHEERS)
And his better half-
BLAINE
Damn straight!
PUCK
Blaine Anderson!
(CHEERS)
In back is the guy who royally screwed up Star Trek 3-
ARTIE
Hey!
PUCK
Artie Abrahams!
(CHEERS - SPRINKLED WITH BOOS)
I'm The Puckmeister, and we just wanna say-
GUYS
Welcome to Ohio!
THE CROWD GOES - LITERALLY - CRAZY AS THE SYNTHESIZER MUSIC KICKS IN.
GUYS (cont'd)
We built this city...
We built this city on Rock & Roll!
Built this city...
We built this city on Rock & Roll!
NOW THE DRUMS AND THE GUITARS. IN SECONDS, THE CROWD IS ROCKING. THE GUYS ARE GYRATING.
PUCK
Say you don't know me,
Or recognise my face.
Say you don't care who goes,
To that kinda place.
SAM
Knee deep in the hooplah,
Sinking in your fight.
Too many runaways,
Eating up the night!
MIKE
Yeah, Artie plays the mamba!
Listen to the radio.
Don't you remember?
We built this city...
We built this city on Rock & Roll!
GUYS
We built this city...
We built this city on Rock & Roll!
Built this city...
We built this city on Rock & Roll!
THE GUYS ARE SHAKING THAT VAN - REALLY GIVIN' 'EM A SHOW!
KURT
Someone always playing,
Corporation games.
Who cares, they're always changing,
Corporation names.
BLAINE
We just want to dance here,
Someone stole the stage.
They call us irresponsible,
Write us off the page!
RORY
Yeah, Artie plays the mamba!
Listen to the radio.
Don't you remember?
We built this city...
We built this city on Rock & Roll!
GUYS
We built this city...
We built this city on Rock & Roll!
Built this city...
We built this city on Rock & Roll!
SOME WOMEN AND A COUPLE OF GUYS ARE NOW CLAMBERING OVER THE FENCE. THE GUYS START TO LOOK WORRIED, BUT HEY... THE SHOW MUST...
GUYS (cont'd)
We built this city...
We built this city on Rock & Roll!
Built this city...
We built this city on Rock & Roll!
ONE WOMAN WHO LOOKS LIKE LAUREN ZIZES' TWIN - WEARING A RATHER STRETCHED 'MAD FOR MOHAWKS' T-SHIRT MAKES IT TO THE VAN. PUCK TAKES A KNEE, REACHES DOWN AND TAKES HER HAND, SINGING TO HER.
PUCK
It's just another Sunday,
In a tired old street.
Police have got the chokehold,
But we just lost the beat...
HE DRAWS OUT THE LAST NOTE AND THE GIRL FAINTS DEAD AWAY. MORE HAVE MADE IT OVER NOW, AND SURROUND THE VAN LIKE A MOB OF MUSICALLY-INCLINED ZOMBIES. ARTIE LOOKS PANCIKED, SHOUTS UP:
ARTIE
Guys! We're in trouble here!
PUCK
Doesn't matter! Keep playing! Always keep playing!
MIKE
Who counts the money,
Underneath the bar?
Who rides the wrecking balls,
Into our guitars?
SAM
Don't tell us you need us,
Coz we're the ship of fools.
KURT & BLAINE
Looking for America,
Calling through your schools!
ARTIE GRABS A MIC, SHOVES A FAN'S FACE OUT OF THE WAY, AND:
ARTIE
Here we are in Middle America, it's fat-bottom to fat-bottom girls all around!
PANDEMONIUM.
RORY
Don't you remember...?
ARTIE
It's your favourite band in your favourite city - the city that taught the world how to glee - the city that rocks the moon - the city that never dies!
RORY
Yeah, Artie plays the mamba!
Listen to the radio.
Don't you remember?
We built this city...
We built this city on Rock & Roll!
GUYS
We built this city...
We built this city on Rock & Roll!
Built this city...
We built this city on Rock & Roll!
Built this city...
We built this city on Rock & Roll!
Built this city...
We built this city on Rock & Roll!
Built this city...
We built this city on Rock & Roll!
WE PULL UP - HOVERING HIGH OVER A CROWD PRESSING IN ON ALL SIDES - AND IN THE CENTRE OF IT ALL - LIKE A SMALL ISLAND - OUR BOYS BEING PURE ROCK STARS.
COMMERCIAL BREAK:
.
.