RIN
I sat on the orange plastic hospital chair, alone. The doctor had requested to speak to my dad, so he'd disappeared off with him, leaving me on my own in the waiting hall. It's dreadful being alone in this horrible place and at a time like this. I feel pathetic because the same line is running through my head again and again and again as if I'm a young child who fell over in the playground at preschool-
I want my mummy!
I want my mummy!
I want my mummy!
I want my mummy!
But I can't have her because the nurses and doctors have taken her away into the operating theatre to do hell knows what to her- no one will tell me and I don't understand well! I want to cry and scream until my lungs rip own but I know there is no point. Plus, I've already spent the last 2 hours wailing like a new born baby, destroying my dignity as I did so. I was fine at first, being brave and all for dad's sake because I didn't want to be another problem for him, and then it just all exploded out like a grenade setting off. I'm truly terrified now.
I don't want to lose her
I can't lose her
For fuck's sake I WON'T lose her!
I mean- it's her! My mum is one of the strongest women in the village, psychically and mentally. She won't leave me and my dad for anything, never! She will pull through this and then soon she'll be pulling me close to her chest in an embrace, before asking me if I had been keeping my room tidy while she'd been 'gone' or something like that.
I don't even know what is wrong with her. No one will tell me. I know my dad knows something, but I doubt he knows all of it. It must be bad since the first time a doctor spoke to my dad, before my mum went on the operating table and was just in a hospital bedroom on the drip, he took him out the room so I couldn't hear and then when I peeped through the room windows to see if I could read their lips (which I couldn't), I saw dad's face just drop in shock like weights were tied to the corners of his mouth. He went pale, almost white, I swear. It honestly scared me so much I was shaking by the time my dad came back in… I think that was when I started crying.
I feel utterly pathetic, weak as weak. I want this to all stop NOW! RIGHT THIS SECOND! I've tried closing my eyes and pretending I'm somewhere else, but it's all too real to ignore. I can hear far away heart monitors beeping away in the same constant pattern, I can hear the rumble of bed wheels as people go to and from the theatre, and the sound of crying children and weeping adults. I can smell disinfectant and failing air fresheners. I can smell plastic too. Why do hospitals always smell so… So foul and weird? It is making me feel sick. It was all so strong that I could even taste the terrible scents in my mouth. I shut my mouth tightly closed to make sure I didn't start gagging unpleasantly in the hall way in front of all these people. I'm not in the mood for attention, especially not that kind of attention…
Come on dad… Its beginning to feel really awkward sitting here alone…
I want to take a deep breath to calm myself down but I'm still scared I'll puke. I can feel a massive headache brewing in the back of my head, building up like a volcano. My grip tighter on the plastic hospital chair, my teeth gritted tightly together as I hold everything in. I won't cry, I won't cry, I promise myself I won't cry again.
I suddenly spot my dad coming back down the corridor, his eyes on the floor, one hand running itself constantly through his blonde messy hair. He truly looks a complete and utter mess with his skin pale with shock still and his hair a crazy show on top of his head. His lips are pressed tightly together as if he was repressing a scream or something. I look up and our eyes meet. He smiles at me weakly, picking up his pace to get to me quicker.
"Hey kid" he mutters when he becomes just a few feet away.
"Hi…" I mumble, looking down at my lap miserably.
My dad crouches down in front of me and slowly prizes my hands off the seat, taking a strong grip on them reassuringly.
"Ok…" he breaths, preparing himself what he planned to say "your mu-"
"Is she okay?" I burst out in worry, my eyes becoming desperate and pleading. Please, Kami, let her be okay…
My father swallowed, licking his lips before taking a deep breath "Now she is…" he told me slowly.
"What do you mean now?"
"I'm not going to lie to you okay?" he told me, now preparing me instead of himself "I think your old enough so I need you to be mature here okay?" he flicked his blonde hair out his eyes. "She's okay now. She… died in the middle of the operation but they managed to get her back after 7 minutes-"
"Mama was dead 7 whole minutes?" I coughed out "But she's okay now?" I double checked, just needing the reassurance.
"Yes. They said she is doing okay now, but they need to keep a good eye on her for the next two days. Just two days though and she should be fine" he smiled at me.
I sniffed back, my eyes relaxing and allowing a tear to escape and streak down my cheek. I flicked my head to try and get rid of it by it remained trailing down my face. My dad giggled, letting go of one hand and then wiping it away. His eyes were still very sad, so sad it was like he was heart-broken.
"What was- is… wrong with her?" I whispered
Dad paused "I can't tell you-"
"You said you weren't going to lie!" I argued with annoyance.
"And I'm not lying, Rin, I'm telling the truth." Dad rolled his eyes. He paused for second "Once I've spoken to your mother I'll tell you"
"Can't you tell me anything?" pleaded, giving him wide begging eyes. I just wanted to understand what had happened to her. I felt so in the dark about this, my father getting told everything, the bloody doctors knowing everything, and then there's me not knowing a thing about what is going on with my own mother!
"Something…" my dad sighed "Kind of sad and unexpected happened. They said it couldn't have been helped really… They told me stress was the likely cause to it all"
I nodded, gripping the one hand of his I still held tightly.
"Is she coming out of the theatre now?"
"Yeah…" my said smiled, a glint of true happiness in his eyes.
"Can I see her?" I asked hopefully.
"Of course" my dad laughed softly, letting go of my hand.
He stood up, brushing himself down before holding his hand out again "Coming?"
"Yeah but… Bute I'm not doing the hand holding thing" I smirked, getting up from seat
My dad cackled at me fondly, shaking his head, but the sadness was still in his blue eyes.
We walked in silence up to the room, dad leading us in. The room was empty, and the horrible stench of disinfectant was even stronger in there. Strange, I didn't remember seeing anyone enter the room to clean it again… it must have smelt like this before, but I was too busy to notice. Not that the smell of the room really matters in all this…
Me and my dad sad down in the seats near the clear window. We sat there in silence, neither of us knowing what to say. All had been said and there was no need to say anything else on the matter for the moment. Anything else that could be said was needles and tiring. The silence was relaxing, though very uncomfortable for us both. I think my dad wanted to talk to me about something, but he seemed to be holding it in. It's odd because he never usually does things like that. He is usually quite free about his thoughts, proudly telling them to the whole world, much to my mother's annoyance! But now he seemed like his thoughts and opinions were locked firmly away out of sight.
It felt like ages until the room door opened and my mother's bed was wheeled into the room by 4 nurse in white dress. I held my breath until I could see her face, worried and unsure about what I might see. Her wonderful, comforting face was pale and sickly looking, her cheeks not their usual rosy red. Even though she was fast asleep, there were deep black bags of fatigue under her eyes, with a slight shine on top as if she had been crying. The nurses nodded at my dad and me, giving us calm and kind smiles which looked like they would be more fake, practised and uncaring underneath. The nurses left as quick as they entered, leaving us alone in silence again, but with the sound of the heart monitor to conceal the awkwardness. It just seemed like a constant reminder of what had happened to my mum.
I turned my head and look at my dad to see him standing up and slowly making his way over to my mum's bed. He looked down at her, not touching just looking. His eyes gazed up and down her for a few seconds very slowly as if he was inspecting her, before his gaze relaxed on to her lonely hand. Finally, he stretched out his hand and threaded his long tanned fingers with hers gently, as if she was as delicate as an old china doll and he was afraid to break her.
I watched him for a while, feeling nervous about just getting up from my own seat and going to see her. I swallowed, a shiver vibrating down my spine before slowly getting up slowly, my feet buzzing with fright as I put all my weight on to them. I gingerly paced over, my eyes staring at the lump in the bed that was her sheet covered face. I slowly walked round the red, my eyes still on her sheets, so I was standing on her other side, dad in front of me. I shudder as I took a deep breath, holding it in my throat as I looked up at my dad. He looked so miserable and lost, and I bet I did too. He was gazing at her face as if he hoped just looking at her would rise her from her sleep. If it was true that he could do this, then he must have been doing it really, really wrong.
"Dad…" I choked out quietly, making him jump.
"huh?" he breathed, blinking in surprise.
"When will she make up?"
Dad looked down for a second before looking up at me and telling me honestly but quietly "I don't know… Soon though. I'm sure she will open up soon" he smiled reassuringly.
I nodded, and finally allowed my eyes to look back at her white face. I sniffed, holding back any tears as I lied my eyes on her closed eye lids.
Like my dad had, I slipped my hand into her spare one, giving it a little squeeze in hope that she might feel or sense it in her deep slumber and rise to the surface and awake. I got no reply. My mum, her pink hair a carefree mess on the clean pillow, showed no signs of feeling my hand in hers, and carried on lying there as still as a stone statue.
They said she's okay, but I'm still worried. I just want her to wake up so I have proof that what I've been told is true; that she is fine. But nothing is happening, she's just sleeping.
Come on mum, please…
Wake up.
Meant to upload this yesterday, I'm soooooo sorry!
Does anyone understand where I'm going with this?
And what are your ideas on whats wrong/ what happened to Sakura? :D