Author note: Yo yahiko here, lets get this party started!
Pein: I'm freighted by what you've done to Hidan
Yahiko: hehe its just getting started, on with the show
Disclaimer: u know what u own, quit fucking bugging me!
Neo Akatsuki 7
Expect the unexpected… and the impossibly freaky
Kakuzu sat in the corner of their hotel room. Just sat there staring forward mumbling. "He's gone... He's really gone." he sniffled.
"Um Kakuzu... Are you ok?" Deidara asked. Yin and Yang got there own hotel room next door courtesy of Itachi. Deidara's cell went off and he answered it.
"Hello, un."
"It's me, did you get him?" Kisame asked.
"No, there was this whole incident with a fighter jet and a nuke and... Hidan is dead Kisame, dead and gone." Deidara said which just made Kakuzu sink deeper in his chair.
Kisame snickered on the other end. "He's dead alright but gone, no sir, turn on the news."
Deidara turned the TV on and turned it to the news as anchor woman appeared on the screen in front of a church.
"I'm standing here at Saint Aldeen church where a nun by the name of Sofia Jashin has gone completely mad."
Kakuzu rocketed out of his seat and stared at the TV. On it a silver haired woman was shouting and swinging a scythe in front of a church... Wearing nothing but her nun shall hat.
"GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU FUCKING MOTHERFUCKERS!" She screamed from the doorway sending a group of cops flying. "KAKUZU WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?"
"That fucking bastard!" Kakuzu had fire in his eyes. "Deidara where is this church! I'm going to kill him!" Kakuzu roared causing the bomb ninja to take a step back.
"Um thanks Kisame... We'll go get him, un." Deidara said then hung up and looked at Kakuzu who's tentacles were twisting and coiling in agitation. "Um... I'm just gonna... Go tell Yin and Yang, yeah..." He runs out of the room and shuts the door behind him. "Oh Hidan is soooooo boned... Wait a minute... OMFG! HIDANS A CHICK,UN!"
Orochimaru and Sasori walked into the down town flower shop. The smell of various flowers immediately flooding there senses. "I know Zetsu is part plant but I would've pictured him as working in more of a slaughter house setting." Sasori said.
"I was just thinking the same thing." Orochi chuckled.
"Hello may I help you find something." A familiar voice said behind them. They turned around to find Zetsu standing before them in a signature flower shop tye dye t-shirt and Jean shorts (his Venus flytrap like part of his body was missing and his black half had a normal eye but other wise he looked the same).
"Hy there Zets- umm." Orochi looked at his name tag which read also in tye dye letters Harold. "Harold? ... Harold... Harold?"
"What?" Zetsu asked.
"Nothing it's just I'm trying to figure out how someone so strange can have such a normal name." Orochi said.
"Shut up and blast him already, we're behind schedule." Sasori stated.
"I'm getting to it, calm yourself Sasori."
"What are you guys talking about?" Zetsu asked.
"Nothing um could you turn around for a second?" Orochi asked.
Zetsu did as instructed and Orochi shot him in the back with the machine.
"Why didn't we just do that with Deidara?" Orochi said as Zetsu began to get back up his body returning to normal.
"Ow that hurt." his white half said.
"I'm gonna bite your head off." the black half growled annoyed.
"Shut up you over grown dandelion." Sasori said.
"Oh Harold is something wrong?" a woman's voice asked. The Akatsuki turned and standing before them was a tall statuesque woman with blond hair braided in a spiral hanging from her head by 2 long lochs. She wore an outfit like a doctor. She had a reticulated python wrapped around her neck and her eyes though kind reminded one of the python slithering across her shoulders.
"Oh hi Rachel." white Zetsu said then glanced back at the Akatsuki. "Don't kill her, she gives me money."
"Who are your friends?" the woman asked looking the 2 men in front her up and down. "Nice cloaks... Do they have it in hetero?" She laughed evilly.
"I think I'm in love." Orochimaru swooned.
"Ehen yes Rachel, these are my friends Sasori and Orochimaru, guys this is my boss Rachel, she runs the flower shop and the free clinic next door." Zetsu said noticing that Rachel and Orochimaru still had there eyes on each other.
"Nice python, how big is it?" Orochi asked.
"10ft 6 inches, call him Crona." She said
"Impressive, but I've seen bigger." Orochi said.
"Oh really, how big?"
"You wouldn't believe me." Orochi said.
"Oh really. Rachel walked over and leaned against him looking into his eyes. "Try me, I'm gullible."
Orochimaru looked at his awestruck team mates.
"What the devil are you staring at?" he asked.
"Possible the most disgusting thing I've ever seen, you picking up a woman... Before me." Sasori gaped.
"I think I'm gonna go on break, bye Rachel." Zetsu said before quickly exiting the shop with Sasori right behind him.
"Let me close up shop and we can talk more about snakes." Rachel said turning at which point Orochimaru picked up the memory machine and aimed at her. He smiled.
"Best idea ever."
"What was tha- ZAAAAAPPPPPP!
Itachi sat across the table from Pein and Konan completely silent.
"Now Itachi, can we trust you not to tell anyone about what you saw?" Konan asked.
"No... Definitely not, I'm considering the repercussions of texting Kisame right now... It's starting to look worth it." Itachi said monotone as ever, staring at his leader.
"Is there anyway we can convince you otherwise?" Pein said trying to take control of the situation.
Itachi thought for a moment then turned to his leader.
"I'll keep quiet... If you make my students official members of Akatsuki."
Pein raised an eye brow. "That's it?" Konan elbowed him. "I mean, of course, anything else."
"Yes."
"Damn."
"I want a 2 week paid vacation for 2 people to be used when ever I feel like it." Itachi said.
"Kakuzu is gonna kill me... Wait 2? Who's the second?"
"That is yet to be decided." Itachi said.
"Eh?"
"Do we have a problem?" Itachi asked thumb inching over the 'ok' button on his phone.
"NO!"
"FUCK ALL OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS. ALL OF YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELVES!" Hidan shouted swinging the scythe she/he'd found over a mantel. The news team watched as yet another squad of police was sent flying in there direction. It was a miracle nobody had been killed yet. But actually the miracle was nothing but Hidan exploring the knowledge given to him by possessing this woman. "I WILL BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF ANY OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS! BRING IT!" Hidan shouted once more.
"HIIIIIIIIDDDDDAAAAAAANNNNNN
"What the fuck?" Hidan turned to see Kakuzu walking towards her/him. "Well it's about time you found me, what took you so fucking long?"
"I am going to rip your limbs off, sow them back on and rip them off again you FUCKING BASTARD! Kakuzu roared.
"Uh oh!" Hidan turned and ran Kakuzu hot on her/his tail.
"You want an out of body experience Hidan! I'll give you one!" Kakuzu roared.
Deidara, Yin and Yang watched as the 2 circled the church several times.
"Where do they get the energy?" Asked Yin.
"Easy, they're both complete idiots, un." Deidara said then the anchor woman walked up to him.
"Excuse me you seem to know the people up there can you explain what's happening?" the news woman asked shoving a mic in his face.
"Uh? Well... Here's how it is, uh my friend up there is a father from a nearby church and is attempting to exercise a demon from this young woman... Through fear of physical destruction, yeah." Deidara said watching.
"Get back here you bitch!" Kakuzu shouted swatting at Hidan.
"Or maybe the guys a pimp and the chicks his hoe, I don't know, un." Deidara laughed and watched the 2 circle the church about 50 more times then Hidan tripped and fell face first on the ground at which point Kakuzu came running around the corner tripped also an landed on top of the still entirely naked Hidan.
"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"Deidara laughed as the 2 rocketed off each other blushing bright red, or redder in Kakuzu's case since he was already scarlet from anger. "Are you 2 love birds done, because I'd really like to get going, yeah." Deidara said.
"Right let's go."
"Bout damn ti- GACK!" One of Kakuzu's tendrils wrapped around Hidan's neck choking her/him.
"I will deal with you when we get back, now GET SOME DAMN CLOTHES ON!"
"Yes please." Yang said the twins shielding there eyes from the naked woman.
"Maybe I don't want too." Hidan said.
"I'm sorry you seem to have mistaken that for a question, let me reiterate." Kakuzu threw Hidan into the church.
"Get some clothes on or I will Fucking kill you all over again!" Kakuzu growled.
"Ok ok, jeez don't go all psycho on me... You might turn me on." Hidan laughed maniacally as Kakuzu shot a fire ball at the door of the church.
"Screw the wrath of Jashin! If you ever say anything like that again you'll be facing the wrath of Kakuzu!" the tentacled ninja shouted.
Five minutes later Hidan walked out in an outfit almost slutty enough to be worse then when he/she was naked.
"Where the Hell did you get that?" Deidara asked.
"Apparently the chick I possessed use to be a prostitute." Hidan shrug not caring in the least.
"... I'm going to forget I heard that." Kakuzu sighed. "Lets go, come on, if we don't get back soon Pein is gonna kill all of us." he said. The group boarded the plane and flew home to a very surprised team.
(Akatsuki faces) 0/.\0 0.0 X.x 0.0 Ó.ò ó.Ò
"... What?" Hidan asked. "You act like you've never seen a woman."
"We have just never seen you as a woman." Kisame said.
"I can't believe none of you are laughing."
"Only a truly sick person could laugh at this." Konan stated.
"I'm back." Orochimaru said walking in. There was a small pause as he put 2 and 2 together. Then he burst out laughing. "Oh my god your a girl!" Orochimaru collapsed to the floor laughing his ass off.
"My point exactly." Konan said.
"Where have you been Orochimaru, Sasori and Zetsu were back 2 hours ago." Pein said as Orochimaru returned to his feet.
"I was hanging out with my new girlfriend." Orochi stated proudly as the others stared again. "... What you all believe me?" he asked.
"We're willing to believe Hidan is a chick, but that doesn't mean we'll believe anything." Itachi stated flatly.
"Hmmm good point."
"I personally am glad to have another girl on the team." Konan laughed
"Don't get use to it, Orochimaru here is gonna give me a sex change." Hidan stated.
"I am?" Hidan gave Orochi a 'I'm going to sacrifice you if you don't' look and Orochimaru agreed.
"Now then Orochimaru, tell us about this girlfriend of yours." Pein said.
"Yeah, what's his name?" Kisame laughed at his own joke.
"Very funny Kisame, but that's tough talk coming from the man with 200 Chris Ravenwood plushies under his bed."
"NO I don't, I do not have a bunch of plushies of Itachi under my bed... Or in my closet..." Kisame said mechanically looking back and forth suspiciously. "I must go now goodbye friends." he said and began to back away but Pein grabbed his collar and pulled him back.
"You aren't going anywhere, your needed soon." Pein said. "Now then continue Orochimaru."
Orochi smiled. "Why am I doing all the talking, Rachel why don't you tell them about yourself?" Orochi smiled as the woman stepped in the door behind him. She had switched from her doctor coat to a one piece suit with short legs and a hood with eyes on it. From the back an arrow head tail hung down.
"Please Orochi I told you to call me Medusa." She said leaning against him smiling evilly.
The Akatsuki stared.
"Holy shit she's hot!" Deidara exclaimed.
"Medusa here wants to join the Akatsuki." Orochimaru said as the arrow head tail obviously made of fabric came alive and draped itself over his shoulders.
Pein scoffed. "And what qualifies her for that?" he asked. "Did you shoot her with the memory ray and awaken her ninja abilities?" he asked sure of himself.
"Well I shot her with the memory ray but ninja… no she's more of a… witch." Orochimaru smiled at the others skepticism. "Why don't you show them?"
"Vector arrows." Was all that left Medusa's mouth when a black storm of arrows erupted from her back zigzagged around and shot toward Pein.
He threw up his arms and sucked the arrows away but stood silent non the less.
"… ok."
"Shall we go with the classic recruitment method? Survive one round with a current member." Orochi asked.
Peins eyes lit up and he returned to his more calm and cool self. "Of course, one round with a current member, the old fashioned way, and I have just the place. Medusa, Yin, Yang come with me ladies." Pein said walking off yanking Kisame with him, the girls following. Orochimaru smiled.
"Ooo this will be fun to watch." Orochi said starting to leave.
"Where are you going, un?" Asked Deidara.
"Duh I'm going to the observation room for the training room." Orochi said. "This is going to be a fun couple of fights."
Author note: woot this is awesome, our first new friend
Pein: more like fiend if u ask me
Konan: yay more girls!
Pein: … no comment -:_:-