Chapter 25
After the team left at Rossi's insistence and ordered to get away from the hospital for awhile, the older profiler nodded at Haley and patted her shoulder as he walked her to the door.
"It'll be okay," he said softly as he held open the door for her. Letting it close behind her, he returned to the chair beside the bed and sat down. He and Hotch looked at each other for a few seconds.
"Aaron, now that we're alone, I'd like to speak with you if you're up to it."
Hotch, his head resting against the pillow, exhaled deeply. "Sure. What about?"
Rossi leaned forward resting his forearms on his thighs, clasped hands between his knees. "Well, how about we discuss what you're going to do when you get out of here?"
Hotch turned to stare up at the ceiling. "I don't want to discuss that. Besides, there's nothing to discuss."
"Oh? Well, from where I stand, I think there's a lot to discuss. Like why aren't you going home to your wife and son when you're discharged?"
"Dave, how can I go home to a wife I barely remember and a child I don't?" He turned to face Rossi again. "It isn't fair to them, and it isn't fair to me. I couldn't handle seeing a child upset because I don't remember him."
Rossi sighed wearily. He noticed his friend turn away again. It was then he noticed the photo album Haley had brought with her lying on the table beside the bed, and he got an idea he hoped would work. Picking up the album and placing it in his lap, Rossi quickly went through it until he found what he was looking for. He carefully removed the photo, closed the book, and sat it back on the side table.
"Aaron, look at me." Hotch turned towards the older man. "I want to show you something." He held up a color photo of Hotch and Jack. "I want you to look at this photo and tell me what you see." He held out the photo to Hotch who took it and looked at himself and his son with smiles on their faces looking so happy.
"I see a photo of what looks like myself and a little boy whom I assume is Jack," he chuckled. "He does resemble me a bit around the eyes, and he does have dimples like mine." A slow smile crept onto his face. To Rossi, the expression on his friend's face almost resembled one of pride.
"You know what I see?" asked Rossi causing Hotch to face him. "I see a little boy who loves his daddy very much, and a man who adores his son."
"Jack does seem happy in this photo," Hotch murmured turning back to the picture.
"Haley has struggled to try and keep that smile on that little boy's face since you disappeared three years ago. We kept telling him you were on a special mission and would return after you caught the bad guy. It was difficult as time went on to keep that smile on that little boy's face after awhile. All he wanted to know and kept asking was when was his daddy coming home. When he found out you were in the hospital he wanted to visit you, but Haley made up a story that you were in the adult section of the hospital where little kids weren't allowed, and that you were suffering from amnesia. He was so disappointed."
Hotch looked up. "He was?"
Rossi nodded. "Umm-hmm. He wanted to see his daddy. He even told his mother that he'll help you remember. Can you just imagine how this little boy is gonna feel when he's told his daddy doesn't want to see him. It just might make him believe his daddy doesn't want to remember him."
Hotch found himself running his fingers across Jack's face gently. He had, up to now, no idea how his son felt, and that he wanted to see and be with him regardless of his memory problems. And he found it sweet that this adorable child even wanted to be with him despite everything.
"Jack," Hotch murmured softly letting his eyes fall on the photo; then, he looked up again. "But what if I end up hurting him because I can't remember? How can I be the father he knows when I don't even know what kind of father I was to begin with?"
"Trust me, Aaron. When you're with Jack, you'll know what kind of father you want to be after you've been around him until you get your memory back. And if you have problems, Haley will help you and so will we."
"And that's another thing. I don't remember my life with her at all. I can't be the husband she expects or knows. How does that help her or us?"
Rossi pursed his lips as he organized what he wanted to say. "The best way I can say this is to consider this a new adventure for the both of you. By being with each other, she'll learn about you as you are now, and you'll learn about her. And before long, you'll both feel comfortable around each other."
"You think I can do this, Dave?"
"Yes, I do, or I wouldn't be trying to convince you to give it a chance. You can't run away. It'll serve you, Haley, and Jack no good. The three of you need to be together as a family and re-learn each other. And should your memories return, that's great. But if not, you will all be learning things about each other that'll bring the three of you closer together as a family. So, what do you say? You willing to give it a chance?"
Hotch chewed his lower lip for a few seconds while staring at the photo of him and Jack before looking up at Rossi. "Is Haley still here? I want to talk with her."
Rossi allowed the corners of his mouth to curl upward. "I think she's still outside. I'll go check." Getting to his feet, the older man walked to the door and opened it; he noticed Haley sitting on the bench alone. "Haley?" She looked over hearing her name and tentatively stood up. "Aaron wants to see you."
Approaching Rossi, Haley looked at him expectantly. She wasn't able to read his face whatsoever as he kept it neutral. He held the door open for her to enter. "I'll wait outside so you two can talk," he added looking over his shoulder at the duo before leaving.
Now alone, Haley slowly approached the chair beside the bed and sat down. "Dave said you wanted to speak with me?" she asked nervously wondering how Dave's talk had gone, and what her husband had decided. She reached out and gripped his hand while chewing on her lower lip. It was then she spotted the photograph lying on Hotch's lap and picked it up. "I remember when this picture was taken," she said.
"You do?"
"Yeah. It was taken the day of Jack's fifth birthday three years ago. You and the team were out of town on a case, and you didn't think you'd make it back in time. But you ended up catching the bad guy the night before, and flew all night to get home in time. You got home in the wee hours of Jack's birthday." She smiled. "When he woke up and saw you he was so excited. He said it was the best birthday present he ever could have been given."
Hotch grinned despite not remembering the incident. "Tell me about Jack. What is he like?"
Haley inhaled and exhaled through her mouth as she wiped her cheeks. "Let's see. He's a very energetic and inquisitive little boy who asks questions about everything. He's very polite and so smart for his age. But he has a way of staring at a person just like his daddy. Penelope refers to him as the mini-Hotch because when he does that he reminds everybody of you. He idolizes you and tells people you a real-life super hero. And he missed you so much the last three years. All he would ask is when is daddy coming home over and over."
"Dave told me you informed Jack that I had amnesia. How does he feel about that?"
Haley shrugged. "He didn't understand what amnesia was. Once it was explained to him, he said he would help you remember everything. We've always tried to be honest with him and explain things in terms he could understand, because despite being only five, he understands more than the average child his age. He also appreciates the truth."
"Sounds like an amazing little boy."
Haley smiled. "He is, trust me." She noticed her husband chuckle and look down at his hands.
"Think he'll be able to accept me as I currently am even if I can't or never remember him or things about him or things we enjoy doing together?"
"Aaron, what are you saying?" Haley tried to curb her emotions. Could her husband be about to say what she dared hope he would?
"Answer my question first," Hotch asked.
"It'll be difficult for him in the beginning as it will for all of us. But I think in time he will learn to adapt."
Hotch nodded his head and exhaled deeply. "And what about us? What is our life together like?" He looked directly into her eyes as if trying to gauge whether or not she had been lying to him so far and didn't notice anything.
"Well, what do you want to know?"
"Are we happy?"
"Quite. Oh I won't say we didn't have arguments like other couples. But we've been sweethearts since high school and have been together for about twenty years in total."
"And what kind of husband am I?"
"I wouldn't have stayed with you as long as I have if you were anything but a wonderful, loving, and giving man." She paused. "Now, how about answering my question?"
Hotch licked his suddenly dry lips. "You make our home life sound so wonderful. But I'm scared Haley. I'm scared with my memory loss I'm gonna mess up and screw everything up and…" he didn't finish, and looked down at his hands again. He only looked up when he felt Haley squeeze his hand.
"You won't mess everything up, Aaron. And you have a right to be scared. This is, for you right now, a scary situation only because of your lost memories. But believe me when I say that we will get through this together, and make new memories if necessary. And you won't have to go through this alone."
"You promise?"
"I promise. So, does that mean when you're discharged you'll come home with me?"
Hotch swallowed hard. "I must be crazy, but my answer is yes."
Several days later, the moment everybody had been waiting for had arrived. The team was gathered in Hotch's room watching him pack what few personal items he had in the hospital. To the profilers, it was apparent their friend and former boss was a nervous wreck.
"Everything's gonna be all right, Hotch," Morgan told him. "You'll fall into a regular routine before you know it."
"I know," Hotch replied sitting slowly down on the edge of the bed. He glanced at his watch. "What's taking Haley so long?" he asked looking up at Rossi.
"She had to sign a few papers before you're officially discharged. And she had to speak with your doctor about your aftercare," Rossi replied. "But you'll soon be out of here."
Hotch suddenly got to his feet and began to pace while rubbing the back of his neck. "Am I doing the right thing?" he asked no one person. "I mean, what if I'm making a huge mistake? What if…"
"Hotch, stop looking for things to go wrong," JJ interrupted him. "You're going to do fine. That's not to say things won't be awkward in the beginning. But just take it one day at a time." She smiled faintly as the dark-haired man ceased his pacing and looked into her bright blue eyes.
"And if you need to speak with any of us," Prentiss was quick to add, "We'll all be here for you."
"And even if we're on a case," Reid added. "We're still just a phone call away."
Hotch then looked at Garcia who had been strangely quiet up until now. But there were tears rolling down her face. He studied the blond who was wearing a bright yellow dress with huge red roses and matching red heels and glasses with red frames. He still couldn't help but think how different from the typical FBI agent she looked; how different from the others. In fact, if he had to choose a word to describe Penelope, he would choose perky. Yes, that was it exactly. She was perky.
"You've been rather quiet," he said. "Or is that how you normally are? I don't remember."
As if on cue, Garcia hurried forward and wrapped her arms around a stunned Hotch who didn't seem to know what to do with his arms or hands. She buried her face in the crook of his neck and cried. Thinking of the only thing he could do, Hotch gently took her arms and eased her away. "Are you always this emotional?" he asked, puzzled.
Garcia ran the pads of her fingers under her glasses and on her cheeks. "I'm sorry, Boss Man," she replied. "I'm just so happy that you're getting out of here and going home. I just hope this is the first step towards you coming back to us."
"Coming back?" Hotch looked confused.
"To the BAU," Penelope replied looking up at him. It was then that Morgan approached from behind and gently grabbed Garcia's shoulders. She turned her head and looked up at him.
"That's enough, Baby Girl. Don't overwhelm the man on the day he's leaving the hospital." Seeing the expression on Morgan's face, Garcia's jaw dropped as she realized what she had just done. She looked back at Hotch.
"I'm sorry, sir," she apologized. "I…I didn't mean to put pressure on you. I wouldn't want to do that to you. The fact that you're here with us and you're safe and alive is more than I could even hope for. I'm just hoping…I'm talking too much, aren't I?" she asked. She bit her lower lip and shut her mouth and ran two fingers across her mouth as if closing a zipper.
"The BAU. That's the…the…I can't remember," Hotch was frustrated as he rubbed his forehead.
"The Behavioral Analysis Unit," Rossi replied. "And don't worry about that now. What will be will be. Just concentrate on your family, and on getting better."
Just then, the door to Hotch's room opened, and Haley walked in followed by Doctor Sherman who was pushing a wheelchair.
"You're officially discharged, Aaron," Haley replied with a smile, holding up several papers in one hand. She noticed Hotch eying the wheelchair warily.
"I don't need that," he said. "I can walk."
"Sorry, Agent Hotchner. But hospital rules," Sherman pursed his lips.
With a sigh, Hotch sat in the wheelchair and Rossi picked up his go-bag. Then with Haley and Rossi on either side of him, and the team behind him, Doctor Sherman pushed the wheelchair out of the room and into the corridor in what was the first leg of what was Aaron Hotchner's return to the land of the living.
The flight from Sacramento to Virginia was, for the most part, in silence, at least from Hotch's part. He didn't want to talk to anybody, nor have anybody ask him anything. Inside, he was too wound up for conversation. His mind was a flurry of jumbled thoughts as to exactly what he was getting himself into. He was so occupied with his thoughts that he didn't even feel Haley holding his hand through the entire flight. After leaving the hospital, Hotch expected he and Haley would catch a cab to the airport; only to discover that Rossi had arranged for the couple to fly with the team on their private jet.
Hotch was in awe when he saw the jet and was in further awe when he boarded it. To him, he couldn't recall flying on something so luxurious in his life; in fact, he couldn't ever recall flying period. Instead, he found himself staring out the window during the entire flight watching the occasional bird flying by, or watching the clouds. Yet, he felt the eyes of the team on him during the entire flight, and suspected they were watching him and though it made him feel awkward, it really didn't bother him too much and gave him an odd feeling of security.
Once the jet landed, Hotch received another shock. After they all disembarked from the jet and the team retrieved their go-bags, the profilers each wished Hotch the best and reminded him they would be there for him before heading to their individual vehicles except for Rossi.
"Aren't you going home?" Hotch asked him, secretly hoping the older man wasn't leaving. Right now he was scared even though he was with Haley; if Rossi left, Hotch didn't know whether he could go through with this despite agreeing to.
"I am. But not until I drop you and Haley off at your place."
"We can take a cab," Haley informed him not wanting to take advantage of Rossi after everything he had done so far.
"No you won't," Rossi insisted. "Besides, it's in the same direction I'd have to go anyway to get to my place so it's not a bother." He kept his grip on the handle of Hotch's go-bag as well as his own, and tossed them both in the trunk of his car. He then opened the back passenger side door allowing for Haley to slide in first followed by Hotch.
"We appreciate this, Dave," Haley said. Glancing at Hotch, Haley noticed he had become quiet again, turning his attention out the car window to stare at the scenery during the drive. Rossi studied him briefly in the rear-view mirror before sticking the key in his ignition. He could see that his friend was starting to rethink his decision about going home with Haley. He could also feel the fear and wished he could do something to ease Hotch's feelings, but there was nothing he could do except be there for the dark-haired man should he need him. Once the engine warmed up, Rossi pulled out of the parking area.
As Rossi's car pulled up outside the Hotchners' home, Hotch looked at the house with it's medium backyard with a swing set and a white picket fence.
"Is this where we live?" the dark-haired man asked staring at the house.
Haley got out as Rossi opened the trunk to fetch Hotch's go-bag, then shutting the trunk. She spotted the small red compact car parked two cars in front of Rossi's, and knew who it belonged to. A smile appeared on her face.
"This is it," she said as she walked around the back of the car and stepped up onto the sidewalk and stood beside her husband. She clutched his hand. "I have a surprise inside for you." She saw Hotch turn to look at her.
But before he could ask the blond what kind of surprise, the door to the house opened and a small whirlwind with blond hair, wearing jeans and a red and white stripped shirt with sneakers, raced out the door and came flying down the steps. The small figure raced toward the trio, finally colliding with Hotch's legs causing the man to stagger backward but maintain his balance. He wrapped his small arms around them and hugged as tightly as he could looking up into the man's dark eyes with a wide toothy smile.
Startled, Hotch didn't know how he was suppose to respond or act right now. He recognized the little boy was Jack. He opened his mouth to speak, but no words would come forth, so he shut it. But that didn't seem to faze the little boy.
"Hi, daddy! I missed you!"