Peyton was exhausted. She had spent the night before tossing and turning, considering her conversation with Brooke. She had allowed herself only to think of the bad times in their relationship because it was easier. It was easier to lose what they had if she could pretend it had all been bad but last night her memories were Chrystal clear.

She remembered all the times he had saved her, all the times when he was the only person in her life she could turn to. She had felt this incredible bond with Lucas from almost the moment they met. Haley had told stories of Luke's infatuation with her, the 'Mr Peyton Sawyer' scribblings on his school books. His interest in music was almost certainly because of her. Haley said they had been walking down the street one day when he noticed Peyton going in to the record shop. He had made it a point from then on to know all he could about the bands she liked, in case one day he should get the chance to talk to her.

She didn't know what to do now. Brooke's comment about him going back to Lindsay had chilled her to the bone. She had made clear that he was no longer part of her life, but could she really watch him live happily ever after with someone else?

Peyton let out a huge yawn as she poured herself a second cup of coffee, she should really be getting ready for work. When Brooke walked through the door humming a cheerful tune Peyton felt sure she would strangle her. What could possibly be so good Brooke was humming. She knew she was being petty but she did not function well without sleep.

"God morning best friend," Brooke breezed as she set the mail on the counter. She was carrying something else Peyton noticed, probably her design book.

"Why so cheery, B Davis?" Peyton grumbled.

"It's a beautiful day, sun shining, birds singing and this left on the porch for you," Brooke smiled. She put what she was carrying on the counter and grinned widely at Peyton.

"Great, probably some more paperwork from LA. And there was me thinking today would be boring," whined Peyton as she went to pick up the book.

"Oh, I don't think that's what it is. A first glance this is what appears to be a manuscript. Attached to the front and envelope with your name on it...in Luke's handwriting"

"What?" Peyton snatched up the book and looked at it in amazement.

"He must have finished his second book. And he wants you to b the first to read it. I bet it's another one about you. God Peyton, how can you be the kind of person someone would write two books about and still look like that in the morning?" Brooke said indicating Peyton's dishevelled appearance.

"It's your fault Brooke, I was up all night stewing over what you said yesterday"

"Good, about time! As much as I'd like to stay and find out exactly what's in there I have to get to work. Also, I'm guessing you would kick my ass out anyway. God why do all my friends think privacy is so important, it's really boring for me. I tell you everything that happens to me"

"Yes you do," said Peyton sarcastically "sometimes more than we want to hear"

Brooke stuck her tongue out petulantly at Peyton before heading out the door.
She was still staring disbelievingly at the book five minutes later. She was afraid of what he had written. His last book had made her feel so secure in his love for her and look where it had gotten her.

Deciding that this was one of those times she was looking at only the negative side she had to rectify that. Grabbing her coffee and the book she made her way out to the porch to get it over with. Firstly she ripped open the letter and began to read.

Dear Peyton,

I know that in the past my attempts to show you how I feel have been terrible. When I think about you I still get the same feeling I got in high school, before you knew who I was. You make me so nervous and I begin to feel inadequate and confused. This is my fault. Since the party at Nathan's house where we almost...you know, when you pushed me away, I have just always thought it would be better to pretend that I thought of you as a friend than to get my heart broken again.

I have carried this on for most of my adult life. Every time I dated someone else I fooled myself into believing it was for the best. If I didn't take a chance with you I couldn't get hurt. When we started going out in senior year I realised how stupid I'd been, because being with you was the happiest time in my life. Waking up every day knowing that you were mine made me feel like the happiest man in the world, I felt sorry for people who would never find their soul mate like I had.

This book was written after our break up and will hopefully explain to you my reason behind everything. Nobody has ever read this book and nobody but you ever will. It wasn't written for any other reason than I missed you, and I couldn't bear it.

All I'll say for now is that old habits die hard and I fell back into my habit of playing it safe with my heart. That has to stop now, my heart has never been the same since we split, it never healed. It is flawed...but if you want it, it's yours. It always was.

Love always,
Lucas

Peyton spent the day on the porch with the book, ignoring her phone, blowing off work and having the occasional sob-fest. It wasn't like anything she had ever read before. It was so dark in places, filled with hope in others.

Her anger at Lucas had been founded on the belief that he had thought her unworthy of his patience. That he had gotten on with his life after the split, leaving her a heartbroken wreck. She was discovering through his words how wrong she was.

The one thing she had been right about was his insecurities. He had thought she was drifting from him, losing interest. He had spent so many nights waiting for her to call him back, praying that she wasn't giving up on them.

He had flown to LA with his mother's ring because he wanted to be with her forever and he felt like they were losing touch. When she had asked him to wait, all he heard was no. After all the missed phone calls and trips to see him he came to the conclusion that she wanted out, she just couldn't find the words to say it.

He had left the hotel the way he did to save them the painful conversation. When he got the phone call from Lindsay he had thrown himself in to that, trying to block thoughts of her from his mind. They always found a way in, usually at night when he couldn't sleep. He would drink scotch every night and write down these thoughts as they came to him. Sometimes they were incoherent. Sometimes they were sarcastic. Sometimes they were just drenched in pain and self loathing.

Peyton realised that he had been grieving as much as she had. He had loved her as much as she loved him and missed her just as much. All her thought of him just giving up and moving on to Lindsay flew out of the window.

It had taken him a year to realise that she liked him, another six months to even think about starting something up. All moves, she discovered, had been made by Lindsay.
As for the reason he would not publish the book, it was Chrystal clear. He could not Lindsay see this. The last few chapters had been written only a year ago. Even if Lucas could lie to himself during the day about loving Peyton, he could not lie to himself at night. When sleep wouldn't come and scotch was his best friend he could be honest and write down all he felt.
It astounded Peyton, the strength of his feelings and how well he had hidden them from everyone in his life. He wasn't hiding any more, he wanted her to know. He was finally ready to put his heart on the line for her again. Or as Brooke would say, he was now willing to get his ass kicked by love!

When Peyton finished it was almost night. She had barely moved all day and her neck was aching from the position she was in. She was completely wrung out emotionally but that was exactly how she needed to be right now. As she pulled on her sneakers and searched for her car keys she allowed herself a small smile. If Lucas Scott, worlds most oblivious man was willing to take a huge leap of faith, then so was she.