I will never really understand her. She hasn't been herself in a long time, but even then I'm not sure that I really understood her. She is one of my best friends in the whole world, but she is so confusing. A long time ago I loved her. Really loved her. Not in the way that I do now. Now she is my sister, along with Will. Giles is like our Father, but back then I loved her, and she ignored me. She was too infatuated with him. I guess I really never got what she saw in him. After all he wasn't even really alive; he couldn't give her a real life. I kind of gave up on that though when I saw that nothing was ever going to come between them. It's ironic though that right around the same time that Buffy lost her love, I found mine.
Anya. How I miss her. I can't believe what an idiot I was leaving her. I never thought that I would ever do to Anya what Angel did to Buffy, but it ended up happening. Again with the irony. I loved Anya with all of my soul, and in the end I ended up doing the one thing that I never wanted to do: I hurt her. I will always wonder if she will ever be able to forgive me because she died in the big battle with the first.
After that battle all Buffy could do was mope around and go on and on about how Spike made this big sacrifice, and how she was so sad and she missed him, but to tell you the truth I didn't really care. Spike was evil. No matter what anyone says he is a vampire and always will be one. Same thing is true about Angel. It's like the two of them were put on this earth to torment Buffy. Spike with a soul is a walking time bomb just like Angel. I don't really know how he got his soul, he could be cursed, or not, it really doesn't matter in the end. There is more than one way to lose a soul. Anyway, it really isn't my dislike of Spike that was what upset me. I was upset because I had just lost the woman I loved, the love of my life, and all Buffy could talk about was herself. God! She can be so self-centered sometimes. I mean she's my best friend, like a sister to me, but sometimes she just infuriates me. Like with this whole Satsu incident.
I still can't believe that she used that poor girl. I knew that she had used Spike when she first came back from the dead, but that was different. First of all that was two years ago, and I thought that she had gotten past all that, and second of all Spike was a soulless demon at the time, and he wanted it. Poor Satsu on the other hand… she just didn't deserve that. Buffy was right about one thing, those of us that love her tend to get hurt. In a way the reason I lost Anya was because I loved Buffy. If I were smart I would have married Anya and left this life behind… but I didn't. I couldn't leave Buffy. It cost me dearly. All of us have gotten hurt because we loved Buffy. Willow lost Tara. Giles lost Ms. Calendar. I know it was a long time ago, but I can tell that he never really got over it completely. It's not something you ever do. I should know that. I miss Anya every single day.
Buffy needs us though. Especially after the whole LA incident. I mean I knew that she still had feelings for Angel, but I didn't think this would hurt her this bad. After she saw the news she barely moved for a whole day. I finally managed to get her to come out of her room, but she was still extremely upset. It wasn't until Giles came here that she finally started to wake up. Giles really pissed her off I guess. At least she's been getting along with Faith. After talking to Giles and Willow it was like she had finally found some purpose. Ever since then she's been running around night and day, training, and researching, and trying to find a way to get them out of hell. They're not worth her time. She can do so much better. They don't deserve her, and it pains me to see how much either of them can hurt her even in death… well disappearance.
I knew there was a reason why I never liked Angel. I never really liked Spike either, but he couldn't hurt her the way that Angel could. Every time she saw him after he left it was like she had something ripped out of her. If I thought that I was pissed at the guy before, well I wasn't. What I felt before is like minor dislike compared to the total hatred that I feel now. The pain and suffering he has caused, and not just to Buffy, is catastrophic. There are about 30 different slayers with us who just lost all of their friends and family in one day. Not to mention the millions of people who lived in Los Angeles who just got sucked into hell. It's ironic that Angel would succeed in doing the very thing that Buffy had prevented him from doing all those years ago. Only this time he was supposedly "good". Willow keeps telling me all about how it isn't all bad because Angel basically took out Wolfram and Hart in this dimension, but I don't care. That evil law firm is not worth the millions of people that had their lives destroyed, and they don't even know the real reason why. They think there was some sort of a nuclear attack and that their friends and family members who died are at peace in heaven, but in reality they're in hell. They're in hell because Angel pissed off a law firm.
Well if there ever was a person who deserved hell it would be him, but I'll never tell Buffy that. I am going along with her plans because I know it's what keeps her going, and at the end of the day that is all that matters. No matter how much I may hate myself for it sometimes, no matter how much I may want to deny it, she's a part of me. I love her. She is my family and I will do anything for her. I just wish that I knew that she would do the same for me…