CHAPTER TWO

"So, what's he up to now?" asked Bobby, as he served up the coffee when Dean returned. "Finished healing those lepers?"

"The Reverend Mother always says, 'When the Lord closes a door, somewhere He opens a window'," replied Sam, turning the laptop around to show them what he'd found.

"What the hell is that?" asked Dean, peering at the screen.

In large text, news sites across the world were running the feed that all their servers had received simultaneously.

CASTIEL'S TEN* COMMANDMENTS.

"Oh, crap," moaned Dean, "Surely he can't be expecting people to take this seriously."

In very small text under that, ran the line:

*Castiel reserves the right to update, alter or otherwise edit this list without notice."

"I am serious," said Sam glumly, "And stop calling me Shirley."

"God's tits," breathed Bobby, "He really did hang around with humans too much."

In bold script, the new god's Commandments were laid out.

1) Thou shalt not kill. Except for large hairy poisonous spiders and invasive introduced weeds. Accidentally stepping on insects shall not count. Destruction of bacteria for health and safety purposes is also permitted; use of an autoclave shall not leave a stain upon the soul.

2) Thou shalt not tell lies. Unless someone asks if a particular garment makes them appear overweight, in which case you may aver provided you do so to spare their feelings.

3) Love thy neighbour. If thou really love thy neighbour, please practise safe sex. If thy neighbour loves thy neighbour, thou shalt butt out and keep thy nose out of what is none of thy business. The bodies aren't important, the intent of love is. If you find it so offensive, what are you doing looking anyway?

4) Thou shalt try much harder to be civil to thy fellow human beings, both locally and globally. To this end, Thursday shall be designated a day for observing this Commandment, and shall be the day upon which you will bake pie, and seek to share it with someone in conversation, reconciliation or even consummation, in which case please practise safe sex.

Dean blinked in bemusement. "Holy Pie Thursday?" he managed finally, "We now have Holy Pie Thursday?"

"No, it's not what you think," sighed Sam, "It's much, much worse."

5) Thou shalt be kind to animals. Thou shalt even make every effort to kill large hairy poisonous spiders as humanely as possible.

6) Whenever thou sittest down to eat, thou shalt thank the cook politely, and thou shalt chew with thy mouth closed. Nor shalt thou speak until thou hast swallowed thy mouthful.

"Sounds like you could be headed straight back Downstairs, son," Bobby chortled at Dean, wo shot him a dirty look.

7) Thous shalt not covet thy neighbour's ass. Examine your feelings; be honest about your admiration of his ass. Praise his ass. You might find that you have an interest in common. He may invite you to share his ass, in which case, please practise safe sex.

8) Thou shalt maintain thy motor vehicle in good repair, lest it malfunction and cause an accident or run inefficiently and contribute even more to pollution.

9) Thou shalt not attempt to emulate the pizza man unless thou art actually a pizza man, and thy customer has indeed been naughty. Please practise safe sex.

10) I am thy god, Castiel. Thou shalt not be unspeakably awful to each other in my name. If you find yourself wishing to smite someone, bake a pie instead and talk to them over it. If you must smite each other, then at least have the guts to own up to your own pathetic prejudices – don't drag me into it, and don't expect me to help you behave like spoiled, tantruming three-year-olds. You are all as important as each other. I am not on anybody's side.

10a) Thou shalt not pester me with selfish wants or trivial problems that you can fix for yourselves. I am a busy god. Feeding the starving, healing the desperately sick, these are worth my attention. Giving you a bigger house or a prettier wife or a third car or a winning lottery ticket or making you thirty pounds lighter are not. I have given you the doughnut trees and the carrot fries, surely you can take it from there.

10b) I mean it about the car. I really do. And those women are anorexic and airbrushed anyway. You will never look like them, so stop trying. Move around more, and eat less junk food.

10c) If you think there is something wrong with you anatomically, see a qualified medical practitioner. Don't pray to me over such a trivial thing. Why you would want it to be longer, I will never understand. It is perfectly functional as it is. Compared to other primates, it is proportionally much bigger. Don't complain about it, just enjoy it. Please practise safe sex.

"Looks like Lord Cas is havin' a bit of trouble comin' to grips with the way his adoring subjects' minds work," grinned Bobby.

"Hey, if you like that, you're gonna love this," grinned Sam, indicating to an updated list. As they had been reading, another Commandment was added to the list.

10d) For the last time, drinking sewage is not a credible cure for anything; it will make you unwell, so do not do it.

"Y'know, as rules and regs go, he's not doin' too badly," Bobby mused thoughtfully. "Be civil to each other, butt out of other people's private lives, mind your table manners, sort out your own problems, get your priorities straight. You could do worse for a god."

"He's not a god," Dean declared firmly.

"He's a very naughty boy," agreed Sam.

"Where's the bit about 'Thou shalt not mess with the heads of those who are trying to save you from yourself and stop you from being a total dick'?" Dean demanded angrily. "You know, 'Thou shalt not poke at somebody's brain until he's a walking advert for Trivial Pursuit'?"

"Sam seems to be basically all right," Bobby pointed out, "Except for, you know."

"What, the fact that he can't open his mouth without sounding like a candidate for hosting a late night movie show on community TV?" snarked Dean.

"I can't even balance my cheque book!" Sam nodded.

"All right, all right, calm down," Bobby said, frowning. "Whether or not he is a god, for the moment he has the power to do a pretty damned convincing impression of one. If we want to take down a god, we're going to need power from someone who can wield a bigger hammer, so to speak."

Dean looked confused. "Are you suggesting that we summon Thor?" he asked.

Sam rolled his eyes. "I've worn dresses with higher IQs," he said.

"Nope," confirmed Bobby, "I'm thinking bigger. I'm thinking of the one guy we know can best a god."

Dean looked at him. "You're thinking of summoning Death? What, binding him and ordering him to kill Cas?"

"Nope again," Bobby shook his head, "I was plannin' on inviting him for a chat, and asking him nicely for some advice. He strikes me as a guy who appreciates politeness."

"There's a rite for that?" Dean looked at Bobby dubiously.

"Yep," grinned the old Hunter, "An old friend of mine told me about it. You can make it as occult as you want, but it's actually not very complicated – technically all we need is two small sticks and a fresh egg – and I think it's our best shot. If anybody knows how to deal with Godstiel, Death is our man."

"ANTHROPOMORPHIC PERSONIFICATION," corrected Sam in a deep and hollow tone.

"Yeah, okay," sighed Dean. "I was kinda, well, kinda hoping there would be some way we could talk to Cas, not have to kill him, just show him he's being a dick, without getting our heads blown off."

"It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to your enemies, but a great deal more to stand up to your friends," added Sam.

As they watched, another Commandment was added to the list.

10e) Thou shalt take responsibility for thine own actions. You should have known the coffee was hot. You should have known that daily consumption of that many calories would make you obese. I will not smite a fast food chain just because you were too foolish to put your coffee into the cup holder properly and too greedy to moderate your diet. Nor will I 'inspire' them to 'compensate' you with ten million dollars. You are an adult, thou shalt act like one. Seriously. Thou shalt stop annoying thy god with whining tantrums. It's your own fault. Thou shalt stop it right now. ALL of thou shalt stop it right now. I'm getting a headache.

"Who knows," grinned Bobby, "He may be more willing to listen than you expect."

I don't want to speak too soon, but I think we might yet get an honest-to-Cas story out of this one. Go little bunny, go!

Reviews are the List Of Things You'd Like To Do With The Winchester Of Your Choice in the Fic Of Life! (Top of my list is 'ask for an introduction to Bobby'.)