"…And that's a hard thing to do, stay hopeful. Even when you can't find a reason."

What the hell have I done? I thought, sitting on the couch of mama's house as Bobby, Jack, and Angel dispersed to their rooms upstairs.

My mother was dead, all because I hadn't wanted to pay off Sweet…this was my fault. I shook my head and looked at the red walls of the living room. The house wasn't the same without her in it. Bobby wasn't yelling at anyone, Angel wasn't trying to sneak out to see Sofi, and Jack wasn't in the kitchen with Ma cooking dinner. No, we were all in out separate places, grieving over the death of the one person in our lives that had actually given a damn.

Everything had just gone wrong. It had been a spiral of shit down the toilet. One minute we're all living in the house together, Bobby being the leader, Angel the pretty boy, me the thinker, and Jack…the follower. And the next we are all back at the house finding out that our mother was dead…Bobby was surely going to start something, and as always, Jack and Angel were going to follow him like they always had. I would be the odd one out, trying to get them to think about what they were doing…trying to stop them from realizing that this whole mess was probably my fault.

I didn't like this feeling, had never had to experience the loss of someone before. Evelyn was the only person I had, before Camille and my two daughters of course, and I had never lost someone that I had actually knew before Evelyn…I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know how to act. How were you supposed to act when you lose the one person who actually cared about you in your teenage life? Especially when it was probably your fault?

How were you supposed to act when your whole world began crumbling down around you? What did people expect of you when you were trying to grieve?

In all truthfulness, I was scared…I was afraid of what would happen when Bobby and Angel found out about my business. I was afraid of what was going to become of the seemingly fragile relationship that my brothers and I had without Ma's glue to hold us all together. I was afraid of what this was going to do to Daniela and Amelia after losing their grandmother.

This whole thing wasn't fair. Mama shouldn't have died the way that she did…and I shouldn't have been the cause of her death in the first place. If anything, I always thought that Bobby (or even Jack) would be the death of her. Bobby was the reckless one, the one that normally dealt with gangs and professional shooters…and Jackie, well, he had always worried mama to no end. I don't think I remember a day after he had come into our family that she wasn't worried that Jack was going to fall back into his old habits.

I couldn't help but think that he might jump back into the drugs that he had been taking when he arrived here that first time when he was a kid again. That's how he dealt with things, using drugs and music to escape. Bobby using his anger to escape…and Angel, well, he went out and found some hot girl to take his troubles away. I just threw myself into being a better father and husband…it was the only thing that I knew how to do. But how could I do that now that I was the cause of my mom's death?

I should have just taken the deal and not questioned it, everything would have been fine if I had taken Sweet's deal. I'd still be taking care of Mama and Bobby, Angel, and Jack would still be out there dicking around, making her worried sick when they didn't call on a regular basis. I stood as the silence of downstairs got to be too much for me and I found myself arriving at the top step of the stairs only a moment later, hearing two laughs coming from the open door of Jacks room to my right.

Walking to the door, I leaned on the frame and smiled slightly at Jack and Bobby. Even considering the circumstances, it was good to see my brothers again; good to have them all back under the same roof. Mama would have loved it.

"What?" Bobby brought me from my thoughts and I shrugged at him.

"Nothin' man, I'm just glad to see y'all. I'm just happy to see my brothers, that's all."

Bobby sighed, "I'm happy to see you too Jerry. Happy to see you too."

We fell silent and I watched for a moment as Jack rolled his cigarette and lit it, taking a deep puff from it. Angel appeared a moment later, dressed up again like he was going out to a club. Mama would have smiled.

"Where do you think you're going?" I asked him, grabbing Bobby's attention immediately. I knew where Angel was going, he couldn't be here for an hour without wanting to get in bed with Sofi.

His answer was poorly disguised too, the Marines didn't help him lie better, "It's a little heavy in here, I'm just gonna go outside and get a little air."

Bobby and I laughed, "You're so full of shit, man. You can smell that ass from down the street, huh?"

"What're you talkin' about, man?" Angel was playing dumb and both Bobby and I saw through it though. He really was lacking with his lies tonight, it had to be because of Mama, he'd never been this bad of a liar.

I smiled at my little brother, "She's got a boyfriend."

Angel's face fell for a moment, "She's got a boyfriend, she's got a hard dick in her right now. She's screaming someone else's name and the last thing she's thinking about is your black ass."

Everyone but Angel laughed, "Look, I said I'm not going to see this girl, and I'm not."

With a loud huff, Angel stomped down the stairs leaving me with Bobby and Jack again as we watched him leave to find Sofi.

Mama would have enjoyed that scene, would have laughed right along with Bobby, Jack, and me before telling Bobby to be more respectful in a half-hearted way. She would have followed Angel down the stairs and gotten Angel to stop with the small fit he was having downstairs, making sure that we heard him as he continued stomping (longer than needed, he was probably at the door now) and then, after a moment, slammed the front door shut behind him.

Detroit wasn't going to be the same without Mama here, and neither would our family. Nothing was going to be the same anymore, and I couldn't help but once again think about the whole situation and how it was my fault. I wasn't like Mama, I couldn't find hope when there was none.

There was no more hope in the world without her here.