Chapter 4
Contains suicide and angst, which is a new thing I'm trying. The angst, not the suicide.
DISCLAIMER: Sigh. I won't own him, but SM, send me Edward, please. I would like to know why my dog is barking at a pick fluffy glove.
I light the candle and I place the rose in his folded hands. He's wearing a black vest and a white dress shirt. I want to unbutton the first tops buttons of the shirt and the cuffs on his hands. He hated those. I wanted to lose the tie all together, but I gave Esme and Alice clothing options. I slipped the guy a pair of his chucks and the dog tags he wears under his shirt.
I see the outline of the tags and let a small smile grace my face, but otherwise remain quiet in my assessment of him. His face is pale and smushed, like he's been poked and prodded. My mind cuts those thoughts before they can continue and I'm glad. His lips are forced into a smile and I hate it. His eyebrows look bushy and his green eyes are shut forever. All I have now is a memory.
Tearing my eyes away, I look to the pudgy man, who seems to be observing me. We don't talk, but look at one another. Finally I walk away, towards the door. I open the one closer to the casket and leave it wide open before walking down the aisle towards the main door, opening that one as well, but leaving the room completely. People pass me by as they enter, offering condolences and forced smiles. I nod back, but it's mostly a blur. I can hear Esme and Alice's cries form the doorway, but don't turn to look. Dad hugs me softly and I reciprocate, but his attempt at comfort has no effect. After the last person evacuates the small waiting room and enters the viewing, I walk quickly to the bathroom.
Locking the door without a second glance, I barely make it to the toilet, where I choke out the breakfast I didn't eat this morning.
After washing my mouth, I have a moment where I look in the mirror and think what the hell I'm still doing here.
Charlie had mom now. For however long that will last.
Mom's set.
Esme and Carlisle will move on with their lives with their other children.
Rose and Em will eventually get a kid one way or another.
Alice and Jasper have a bright future.
My job is easily replaceable.
Nothing holds me here.
The numbness is decreasing; I'm starting to feel and the pain hits full force, no hesitation. I grip the edge of the counter in an attempt to stay upright. I hear people moving around outside. After initially seeing the body and paying their respects, they were probably retiring until the burial. I wouldn't want to sit in a room for long with...that either. Hysterical women, corpse, and just plain sadness.
No, I'd wait outside, too, if I had a choice, but I don't, so I adjust my dress, wipe my mouth and leave the bathroom.
I hesitate at the doorway, figuring where to sit. Definitely not in the front, but I didn't want to be in the middle of that mess either, so I chose a seat next to a stained glass window in the back. In the corner, I could watch.
Many people were trying to give off fake hurt, I could tell. They were just there to show their respects. They didn't really care.
Whatever, right?
Yeah.
Esme and Alice were desperately hanging onto their significant others. I wanted to go over and comfort them, but I was never good with crying messes. They usually triggered my own tears and I didn't want to deal with that.
I was a cry when I'm alone type.
Whatever.
The pudgy man sits next to me and asks if I want him to start playing the music while the speeches were being said or after. I decided during and he nodded before walking away. Broken by Seether started the play list and the reaction was instant. People glanced around, immediate family looked for me to either give me hell or...give me hell.
Whatever.
The pudgy dude announces the beginning of speeches. A college friend starts, detailing how much he knew him, and how they were such good friends, how dependable he was. I've met this guy once.
Jasper and Alice are next. She starts, but can't get a word out before she starts blubbering. Finally she hands the paper to Jasper, who pulls it out of her shaky hands and holds her close as he reads. They say things about how he was a great brother, gave a few examples and shared some memories. They mentioned our relationship, how we were best friends and it was so obvious we would be together. About how we were going to make a life together before he left me. When you could barely hear Jasper above Alice's wails, he trailed off and leads her to sit.
Esme and Carlisle go up, say a few words, similar to Alice's, and then sit down. Rose and Em follow. A few of his friends get up and stumble through something, and then it's my turn.
By now, the music has changed over and over and I know the play list I made is almost complete. My immortal by Evanescence plays softly as I walk towards the front. When I make it to the front, I turn and face the expecting faces. I listen to the opening notes before I talk.
"He...made me a promise." I start. "It's funny." It's not funny. "He left to the store to get me," I pause and take a deep breath. "He went to get me chocolate, of all things." I snort and wring my hands together. "Chocolate, because I was having a bad day...I remember him coming home from class so excited to explain a new project to me. So excited to tell me of what he would be doing the next week..." I give a breathy laugh. "And then he saw me on the couch, in a Snuggie, watching Adventure Time reruns and he grabs his keys, kisses me on the cheek and promises chocolate in the near future, before leaving me on the couch, confused and, hopeful for the turn of the day." I rub the tips of my fingers, dying to crack them, but holding off. "If you know me, you know I only wear Snuggies and watch Adventure Time reruns when I'm upset." I add as an afterthought. "He texts me on his way home, telling me about his day and sends me a picture of his shopping bag loaded with chocolate. I was so happy." Another breathy laugh.
The song has made it to the second chorus and I sing softly in my head as I try to avoid going back to that night.
"Then ten minutes pass and no word." I whisper. "Then twenty, and now I'm panicking a little, but think he might have made a detour and lost track of time." My eyes close. "Then an hour is gone and no one in my contacts can get a hold of him." My body feels tingly again, like the temperature just dropped. "Turns out it's because he's sitting in a ditch on the side of the road, victim of a hit-and-run." I've lost control of my body, so when the warm tears slide slowly down my cheek, I'm not surprised. "And because someone thought driving away instead of helping the injured person in the other vehicle not five feet away was such a bad idea," My voice had risen and my fists were clenched. "I've lost the love of my life." I end, then reach over and touch the wood of the casket again, my hand inching closer to the body in it. My hand hovers for a fraction of a second before resting softly on the cheek. I wish he would open his eyes. I wish he would wake up. "He suffered for half an hour before letting go. You always were so stubborn," I give him a watery smile, ignorant to the tearful audience in the background.
My hand cups his cheek and I notice how cold he is. How cold I am. We match.
This thought causes a slight hiccupy laugh from me, but it quickly dissolves. I wipe at my eyes, before finally letting him go and turning around.
"He made me a promise and I intend on making sure he keeps it." I nod and take my seat in the back. The music plays on a few more tracks before turning off completely. The pudgy man announces that it's time to view him one last time. People make their way up, dropping things like letters or flowers into the casket. I stay back and wait until everyone has left the room. Walking towards him for the last time feels strange and I think of how to say goodbye, but nothing comes to mind, so I grab his hand in mine and squeeze.
See you soon.