Confessions

After dinner, Charles went looking for Erika and found her reading in the mansion's library in one of the armchairs. Ever since they'd made the mansion their base of operations, reading in the library had become one of Erika's favorite pastimes besides chess games and working out her frustrations in the mansion's gym.

"I thought I might find you here," he said.

Erika didn't even look up from her book as she turned another page. "And I knew you'd find me in here. So, either we're really getting to know one another or we're slipping up on our stealth skills."

Charles laughed as he sat across from her and then she put her book down.

"You seemed quiet at dinner. Is everything all right?" he asked.

"I'm fine, Charles. I'll be better once Shaw's dealt with and I get my children back by any means necessary," said Erika.

Charles inwardly winced. He didn't like the way that sounded. Her desire for revenge worried him. Shaw had some form of punishment coming, Charles wasn't arguing that, but he was concerned that if Erika claimed vengeance, she'd be lost to him. He'd seen for himself what she was capable of when she was determined and angry, but hadn't he shown her she was stronger when she focused on the point between rage and serenity?

He must've spaced out, because suddenly, Erika was snapping her fingers in front of his face as if to awaken him. Quickly, he pulled back and said, "I'm sorry, I must've been caught up in what I was thinking. What did you say?"

Erika gave him a look, and shook her head at him. "I said that you're a lucky man, Charles. You've known life in a mansion, surrounded by your loved ones, you're intelligent and wealthy, and fortunate in every way possible."

Before he could stop himself, Charles looked down at his hands. "I wasn't always so lucky," he confessed.

Erika looked surprised, and raised a curious eyebrow, but said nothing, as though she was waiting for Charles to continue. It was one of the things he liked about her. She didn't press for answers about someone's past unless they were willing to talk about it first, and even then, she only went so far.

"You know that I found Raven trying to steal food from my kitchen and I took her in, and all that. But what you don't know is what happened before I found her that night."

"I've been curious about that, yes," she admitted. "If you wish to speak, I'm willing to listen."

Grateful for her words, Charles took a deep breath and began. "Before Raven became part of my family, there was a time when things weren't so wonderful for me. I was gifted, intelligent and wealthy, yes, but not always fortunate. My mother wasn't always there for me when I was growing up and my father passed away when I was a child. Sometime before she died, my mother remarried to a man called Marko. He wasn't exactly all that kind."

He looked up when he felt Erika touch him. She was holding his hand comfortingly and her blue-grey eyes were full of sympathy and understanding. "I'm sorry," she said, sincerely. He knew she was apologizing both for her earlier presumptions and for the pains he'd known.

Charles smiled softly as he squeezed her hand and went on.

"My stepfather had a son, Cain. Cain was my complete opposite—large, muscly, not quite as smart or kind. For a brief time, it seemed as though we were going to make a somewhat nice family, but my stepfather quickly proved to be a workaholic and neglected my mother. He seemed to favor me at times rather than his own flesh-and-blood, and he was harsh on Cain."

"Let me guess, Cain was a bully and was a little creep towards you because of what his father did. Am I correct?" said Erika, frowning in disgust and anger.

"Quite," admitted Charles.

During the brief time Cain had been part of Charles's family, Cain had been anything but kind towards his stepbrother. Despite Charles's many attempts at a brotherly relationship, his efforts had been complete and utterly fruitless; he and Cain had never truly been brothers.

"But in spite of it all, I was never angry towards Cain. I only ever felt pity and forgiving towards him," continued Charles.

Erika's jaw dropped and she looked stunned. "Are you serious? Why?"

"Partly because I'm not quick to anger and I don't hold grudges, but also because of my telepathy. I was just coming into my abilities at the time and I couldn't always control it. I often felt Cain's pain. How could I hate him, knowing what he suffered at the hands of the one person he was supposed to be able to trust most?" murmured Charles. "Eventually, my stepfather wasn't a part of my life any longer and Cain left to journey abroad. I haven't seen or heard from him since. Shortly afterward, I found Raven and things improved."

Charles ceased talking then. Save for Raven, he'd told no one of his past pains. He didn't quite know why he was telling Erika now, but for some reason, he felt he needed to. Whether to help ease some of his own pain by telling her, or help her understand something important, he knew not, only that it was right to tell her.

Erika didn't respond at first. She was quiet and her face was a mixture of sympathy, pity, anger and regret. She leaned over a little and sighed. "I'm sorry about Cain, Charles. You didn't deserve what he put you through," she said, softly. "I'm touched you trusted me enough to tell me this, but if you were trying to teach me to forgive, then I'm sorry, but I don't forgive as easily as you do, I can't."

"Can't or won't?" he asked.

"Both, sometimes, if you must know," said Erika, sounding annoyed. "Why forgive those who've harmed me when I know they have not and will never regret the harm they did to me and those I care about, especially a heartless scoundrel like Shaw? Forgiveness isn't one my strengths. It never has been and it never will be."

"You thought that you'd reached the limit of your abilities, but we proved just the opposite this afternoon," he reminded her. "Listen to me. Forgiveness isn't just for our enemies, it's for ourselves as well. Our compassion, our ability to feel and care and forgive, that's what makes us different from our enemies. You have it within you to be better Shaw. You just have to let it happen."

Erika was quiet for a moment, as if she was contemplating Charles's words. Then she suddenly pulled away from him and rose up from her chair.

"I'm sorry, I need to leave. Please, excuse me."

Without waiting for a reply, she left the room.

Charles's heart ached as he watched Erika leave. He'd thought they'd made some real progress, and now she was starting to shell up again. Her emotions were only to be expected, but she couldn't keep blocking him out like this. He wanted to help her. No, he wanted more than that. He wanted to give her the world if she'd let him.

Why couldn't she see what he saw in her? Why couldn't she see just how much she meant to everyone at the mansion? She was so much more beautiful and cherished than she realized. If only he could help her to see that. He was tempted to go after her right then and there, but then decided against it for the moment.

I'll leave her alone to collect her thoughts, and talk to her later, he decided. That would probably be the wisest course of action for the time being.

XXX

That night, Erika did not sleep well.

She was trapped in a terrible nightmare that kept conflicting between her time at the camps and the day she'd lost her children. There was also a terrible storm raging outside, with thunder booming every five minutes and lightning frequently flashing and was not helping matters in the slightest. It got to the point where she was sweating and shaking and then most of the metal in the room went flying in her sleep.

"Erika. Erika, wake up! Wake up!" said a voice, as someone shook her.

Erika shot up in bed, as she breathed hard, the lights came on and the metal in the room fell to the floor. Charles was sitting on her bed, rubbing her shoulder and looking deeply worried.

"Charles," she said. "What happened? What're you doing in here?" It wasn't that she wasn't grateful for him waking her from her nightmare, but Charles didn't usually just come into her room without permission.

"I wanted to talk to you about something and when I heard you cry out, I came in and found you having a nightmare," said Charles, concerned. "Are you all right?"

Erika nodded. "I'm fine. I'm always fine."

She sounded casual, but they both knew she was lying through her teeth. Normally Erika was a good liar, but in this case, Charles could see right through her, because he wrapped his arms around her, and Erika let him as she trembled and shook from her fear.

"Shh, it's all right," murmured Charles, as he held her. I'm here. It's okay. I'm here."

Erika's only response was to bury her face in Charles's shoulder as her grip on him tightened and she took deep breaths to calm down. It was the first time she'd let a man hold her in eighteen years, the first time in so long that she'd felt safe in someone's arms. She'd never expected to feel that again, but nevertheless she was secretly glad it was Charles that made her feel that way.

There was a good reason as to why she'd been so frightened and it wasn't just her nightmares. Though she didn't want to admit it, Erika was terrified of thunderstorms. She'd never liked them, but it hadn't been a problem until her mother's death. Her mother had died during a storm and thus Erika's fear blossomed. Her nightmares, though they were only to be expected, considering who she was and what she'd endured, they were often very intense and they didn't help matters much.

After a few moments more, Erika and Charles pulled away from each other.

"You alright?" he asked.

She nodded. "I'm sorry," she said, softly.

"For what?" he asked, looking confused.

"For being so weak," she murmured. "I helped the young mutants overcome their fears, and I don't fear for my own life, but something as pathetic as a storm and a nightmare turns me into a weak little mess like this." Truth be told, she was deeply ashamed of what she decreed her "weaknesses" and hated them with a passion. She usually made it a point not to show her weaknesses to people, but it seemed Charles had a way of seeing and knowing everything about her, even without his telepathy.

Charles brushed a lock of Erika's hair out of her face and looked at her sympathetically. "Erika, this is nothing to be ashamed of. As you said, we have the ability to overcome fear. Admitting you have a problem doesn't make you weak; it makes you like everyone else. You're not weak. You're the strongest woman I've ever met."

This brought a small smile to Erika's face. "Thank you, Charles," she said. "So, what was it you wanted to talk to me about?"

"Well…" He looked hesitant. "Back in Russia, when I read Frost's mind, I learned something concerning Wanda and Pietro, something I wasn't quite sure was true or not. They're both all right, I promise you," he added, when a flicker of fear crossed her face. "It's just I've been trying to find the right way to ask you about what I saw."

Erika tensed. This couldn't be good. Did he know of her deepest, darkest secret? "And what might that be?" she asked, keeping her tone neutral.

"It was something she only saw in your mind that Shaw didn't tell her or anyone else about," said Charles, softly. He sighed. "Erika, you don't have to answer this if you don't want to, but…Shaw didn't just take your children because of their powers or because they're yours, didn't he? He also took them because he's their biological father, isn't he?"

Erika was quiet for a moment. She considered refusing to answer or staying silent or just ordering Charles to leave the room, but for some reason, she just nodded as she hung her head. "He may have created them, but he was never their father," she said.

That was it. Her secret was finally out. It was ironic. Erika's two children had been her life, but they were fathered by the same monster who'd stolen her life from her. Though, in her mind, Shaw wasn't her children's father in the ways that mattered. No real father would've done what he did to her and her children.

When Erika met Charles's gaze when he lifted her chin, she saw neither judgment nor anger in his blue eyes, only sympathy and perhaps a wanting to know more.

"How did it happen?" he asked, quietly.

Erika hesitated again before giving him a stern look. "This story, and what I've just told you, dies with you," she said. It wasn't a request. She didn't want anyone at the mansion beyond Charles to know of this. The only reason she was even considering telling him was because he'd found out and because he had the right to know.

Charles nodded. "Of course."

Grateful that he was accepting her command, Erika sighed and began telling Charles of her most guarded secret.

"Eighteen years ago, after a week or so of being Shaw's favorite lab rat and worker in the camp, he told me he'd decided he wanted a powerful heir or heiress of his own bloodline. He wanted me to be the mother of his child as I was the most powerful mutant he knew of at the time and there was no telling what kind of mutant our combined genetics would create. I refused at first. But then he said he'd kill my childhood sweetheart and fellow prisoner, Mikael, if I didn't obey him. I had no choice, so I obeyed and before I knew it, I was with child. I was kept away from the others in camp, except for Mikael, who tended to me and kept me company when Shaw wasn't there. We both resided in Shaw's private building and given better supplies than anyone else. Even though the circumstances were terrible, I didn't care about that or that Shaw was my babies' biological father. At the time, I didn't know I was expecting twins, but from the moment I found out I was with child, I loved my offspring with every fiber of my being. How could I not? They were my children.

"All that mattered to me was their well-being. They were innocent and they deserved better than life in the camps, better than a man Shaw in their lives. I was terrified of the kind of life my babies were going to have with Shaw raising them. I wanted to save them from a life with that monster, only I couldn't. I was weak, trapped and even if I could've escaped, where could I have gone? I had nothing except for them and Mikael. Anyway, I was often extremely ill in the time that passed; both due to being with child and with stress and guilt from watching my people suffer from the window in my room while I was practically living in luxury compared to them. Mikael said all kinds of things to make me feel better. He said one day we'd all be freed and then the two of us would finally get a better life than the one we were leading at that time.

"When I was four months along; we finally got lucky one night. Soldiers came and liberated us all. It was a sheer stroke of luck that they found Mikael and I and got us out with the others Jews. One of the soldiers somehow knew about my condition. He told me that I was going to have twins and then he made sure that Mikael and I were taken somewhere safe. With his help, papers were forged making Mikael my husband and the father of my babies. It was fortunate he did that. I mean, really, an unwed fourteen-year-old young Jewish mother at that time? Heaven alone knows what would've happened, what kind of life we'd have been forced to leave if he hadn't done it. Anyway, Mikael and I lived in a village, cut off from the rest of the world. I worked as a seamstress, Mikael worked in the lumberyard as a lumberjack. It was quiet and we were happy.

"Nothing really happened between the two of us. We were close and cared for each other, but it wasn't much. Mikael gave me my space, knowing just how much I needed it after what we'd been through at the camps. Everything was all right for a while, but two months later, our peaceful lives were once again destroyed. Mikael had accidentally aroused some of the more aggressive lumberjacks' anger and they came after us. When that happened, I panicked and lashed out at them with my powers in an effort to protect Mikael and my babies. No one was killed, but the sight of my powers frightened Mikael because I'd never told him of what I could do. He didn't even know mutants existed. Because of this, he became convinced I was a monster, despite my attempts to persuade him otherwise."

Erika paused for a moment as she wiped away the tears had come unbidden and were streaming down her cheeks. Even after so many years of moving forward with her life and burying her past pains with anger, there was still the rare yet not unheard of time when the pain came back. After World War Two, Erika had gained a deep distrust and hatred of humans, and Mikael's actions so long ago had furthered those feelings. She'd cared about him, trusted him, and in return he'd abandoned her.

When Charles squeezed her hand in comfort, she took a deep breath and continued. "I suppose I expected Mikael's reaction. Perhaps that's why I didn't tell him before of what I was. He was human and was even more traumatized than I was from the camps. What else was going to happen when he found out the truth? But I was naïve enough to believe that he'd keep his word and never leave me. When I begged him to stay and said I loved him, he refused to listen. He said he could never love a freak like me and other terrible things about me and my babies. He burned the marriage documents, left me and I was forced to flee from the village. I wandered for miles until, by some miracle, I came to a convent, far from the village's walls. The Sisters took me in. Save for the Mother Superior and two others, they were mutants. Some were outcasts, some weren't. They were kind to me, even after I told them about my past.

"They provided me with care, sanctuary and they helped me when it came time for my babies to be born. They found me a midwife and everything. I lived in the convent with the twins until they were six years old. At that point, they wanted to know what life was like outside of the nunnery, so we immigrated to America and settled down somewhere quiet. It wasn't easy, but I was able to give them a better life than I had known. The twins came into their powers when they were eleven. Pietro could run at incredible speeds, while Wanda's powers were more…'magical,' I guess you could say. I still wanted revenge on Shaw for what he did to me, my children needed me more and I was determined to raise them away from him. Revenge was always in the back of my mind, but I put it away for my children's sake. How could I have done anything less?"

Erika stopped in the telling of her story yet again as memories of a different time crossed her mind once again. The years she'd spent raising Wanda and Pietro had been some of the happiest in her life, but now they seemed like a lifetime ago.

"Did your children know about him, about Shaw?" asked Charles.

Erika nodded. "I told them about him when they started coming into their powers and they started asking why they didn't have a father in their lives. They didn't want anything to do with him after that. They didn't take on his powers or anything else like him. If anything, they were more like me. As the years went on, foolishly I became complacent and I thought that Shaw was never going to find us. He was just a bad memory, nothing more. But that changed when Wanda and Pietro were twelve. One afternoon I came home after running an errand and found the house destroyed and my children were gone. There was a note from Shaw in the rubble. Somehow, he'd found us. His note said that he'd claimed his heir and heiress and he had much in store for them. That's when—"

"That's when you started hunting him down," finished Charles. "And it's when you decided to take your revenge on him for everything he'd done to you."

Erika nodded. She'd cast her desire for revenge aside for the sake of her children. And in doing so, she'd unknowingly become careless and then her children had paid the price for it. Because of her, she'd lost what mattered most to her. On the day she'd lost them, she'd sworn to never be so foolish or reckless again. Losing Wanda and Pietro had helped change her into what she was now. She wiped away her tears with the handkerchief Charles offered her.

"Why didn't you tell me or any of us this before?" he asked.

"Because I believed that if anyone knew, no one would help them or worse, they'd be judged for what he is, instead of who they are," she confessed. Some would've wondered how she could've believed that, but in truth, she had no reason to think otherwise. She'd seen it far too many times—innocent offspring punished for their parents' crimes and judged for things beyond their control. She hadn't wanted to risk it happening to her own children just because a madman like Shaw was their birth father. It was part of the reason she hadn't gone to the authorities when her children were taken in the first place.

Charles's face softened as he pulled her in for a hug, which she returned. For several moments, the two of them remained that way, holding each other close. Erika rested her head on Charles's shoulder, enjoying the feeling she got by being with him and telling him of her past. When he was around, she felt she could be something better than she was.

"No one will find out from me," said Charles, breaking the silence. "Although, this does explain a number of things, such as to why he took them in the first place, but you've got to know that this doesn't change anything. I'm still going to help them, whether they're his or not. They're innocents and they are your children."

"Thank you," she murmured, feeling relieved.

"One more thing," said Charles. "I know you're angry and want revenge, but Erika, killing Shaw won't bring you peace."

"And what's more important, Charles, peace or freedom? If you could only pick one, what would you choose?" she challenged. It was a difficult choice for some, yes. But not for others. Erika herself would pick freedom as peace was proving to be more and more of a lie.

Charles sighed. "I don't know," he admitted. "But I do know what I want for myself, humans, mutants and for you and your children. I've always known."

"At least one of us does," she murmured. After all that had happened of late, she didn't quite know what she wanted for herself anymore, besides her children's freedom and them being returned to her. And she wouldn't mind if Shaw six feet under, as punishment for his crimes.

"What else is bothering you? Tell me," said Charles, as he rubbed her back.

Erika sighed again. Even when he wasn't reading her mind, he still knew when she wasn't telling him something. "I can't shake the feeling that whether we succeed tomorrow or not, what happened to me will only happen again. Mankind will know about mutants tomorrow and they'll fear us. And for many that fear will turn to hatred. It won't matter if we risk our lives to protect them because they'll never know anything beyond what they see with their own two eyes. They won't differentiate between us and Shaw. All they'll see is what they don't understand and never will." The humans were going to battle their own extinction; of that much she was certain.

"It won't be like that," said Charles, firmly. "This isn't going to be like the Holocaust. Not all of them are like Shaw or Hitler."

"And not all of them are like Moira," she retorted. Charles was right, true enough, but so was she. That was the downside of it all. "My father's own loyalty and sacrifices to his country in World War One didn't prevent what happened to my family. You can say that some people back then were innocent, but my family was taken from me because of men who were 'just following orders,' and my people were almost destroyed because they were just humans who were different, because of a fool's fear and prejudice. Those are the kind of people whom I fight against. The kind of people I won't hesitate to take down if they threaten the people I love."

Erika was mainly referring to Shaw, whom she would have no problems destroying permanently if she needed to, but she also meant others who either shared in Shaw's belief or even Agent Stryker's. The fact was, after seeing the kind of cruelty man was capable of during World War Two, Erika feared it would happen again. She had no desire to allow the camps of 1944 to occur again, and if she had any say in the matter, they wouldn't. If she had to, she'd raise up an army against her enemies.

Charles didn't read her mind, but he still must've guessed her thoughts, because he pulled away and placed his hands on her shoulders.

"Listen to me very carefully, my friend, I understand the need to fight in self-defense, but anything more than that, is wrong. We have it within us to be the better people. We can prove to rest of mankind that we're just like everybody else in the world—some of us are good and some of us are evil, just like you told Agent Stryker at the CIA. More importantly, we can show to other mutants that they're not alone," he said, insistently. His tone and face then softened. "By being with you, I feel so much less alone."

Erika sighed again as she pulled away from Charles and walked over to the window as she wrapped her arms around herself.

"Take it from me, Charles; sometimes it's better to be alone," she said, softly.

"What do you mean by that?"

"If you're alone, nobody can hurt you," she explained. She felt the familiar burn of tears in her eyes, but this time she forced them back as she refused to cry anymore. She did not shed anymore tears, but she felt the familiar painful ache in her heart, an ache that refused to leave her even after all these years.

Erika had been hurt too many times to count over the years. People hurt her, whether they meant to or not, either by leaving her or causing her pain. Her family had hurt her when they'd died, mankind had hurt her during the war, Shaw had hurt her when he'd destroyed her life and stole her children from her, Mikael had hurt her when he'd abandoned her when she needed him most, the villagers had hurt her when she was forced to defend herself and her babies, and now even Wanda and Pietro had—albeit unwillingly, but still had nevertheless—done just the same. One way or another, people she loved and people that she hated, had hurt her in so many ways. There were times when she wondered if her heart would ever truly be healed from all the pain and betrayal.

Charles lifted her chin and he cupped her face, making her look at him.

"Erika, I would never, ever hurt you," said Charles, seriously.

"And I don't want to hurt you," she admitted. Despite her trust issues, and her previous misgivings, she had to admit that there was no one she trusted or cared for at the mansion more than Charles. He'd done nothing but show her genuine kindness and acceptance, and he was the one who'd sparked a small change in her. If anything happened to him, she'd never forgive herself. She sighed as her eyes started to flutter shut as she and Charles drew in closer. "So, let's just stop this, before…we…" her voice wandered off as she found herself being kissed by Charles, and she was kissing him with an intense passion she'd never known before.

"Why me?" she asked, when they broke apart. She was happy and she loved him, yes, but all things considered, they were hardly an ideal match. They were different in so many ways. He'd grown up in wealth and grandeur; she'd grown up in poverty and war, he felt compassion towards even his enemies because of his power, she felt hatred and anger because of hers, he was whole and she was broken. So, why did he love her, of all women?

"Why do you ask questions to which you already know the answers?" said Charles, smiling a little. "There's so much more to you than you realize. You're wonderful in so many ways. I love you, so much, Erika."

Erika smiled. "I love you too, Charles," she said, softly.

Although she had loved before, she'd never really known what it was like to be truly loved by a man she loved until she met Charles. She didn't quite know what to think of it. All she knew was that she would sacrifice herself for Charles if she had to and there was nothing she wouldn't do for him. She loved him.

Charles brushed a lock of her hair out of her face, before he gently kissed her again. He held her close as she rested her head on his chest. For a moment, they just remained in comfortable silence until Erika finally broke it.

"Charles, one way or another, Shaw has to be stopped forever. Last time, I escaped him for twelve years and then he took my children from me when I least expected it. Imprisoning him just won't be enough. We need to find a way to put him down for good." If she was going to move on with her life, Shaw had to be out of the picture completely. She had no qualms about ending him.

"Erika, I know you're worried," said Charles, gently. "But you don't have to be. Hank and I have come up with something that we think will work against him." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small device. "Once I've frozen Shaw with my mind, place this on him and then it'll immediately put him in a state of suspended animation and he can only break out of it if Hank and I give the code." He placed it into her hand, showing just how much he trusted her.

"Thank you," she said. She quickly locked it in her bedside table drawer for safekeeping. "But what do we do about Wanda and Pietro? How do we break Shaw's control over them?" If she could've just destroyed those devices herself, she would've done so already. Not to mention she wanted them removed safely so her children wouldn't be hurt.

"We're still working on that. But we will get them back," said Charles, as he took her hand in his.

But you can't promise me that, can you Charles? You can only promise me so much and even then, there's no guarantee of anything. But there's one thing you can do for me.

"Speaking of promises, there's one promise more I need you to make to me," said Erika, seriously. She had to be sure this would happen. This was one promise she was certain he would keep. "I need you to promise me that if it comes down to a choice between saving me or my children, you'll save them instead. Give me your word, Charles."

Charles hesitated and for a moment, he looked like he didn't want to do as Erika asked, but then he finally nodded. "You have my word. I'll save them."

Erika let out a sigh of relief. Charles would keep his word and one way or another; her children would be safe again.

The clock in her room then struck half-past one, reminding them just how late it was. They needed to get some rest. But Erika had no desire to be alone that night, especially not after what had just occurred. The storm was still going on and she didn't want to be away from Charles.

Before she could speak, however, Charles asked, "Would you like me to stay with you tonight?"

"That would be lovely, thank you," said Erika, gratefully.

And with that, they curled up in Erika's bed. Charles held her close, stroking her hair with one hand and she held his free hand tightly in hers. Erika rested her head on his chest and allowed the soothing sound of Charles's heartbeat to lull her into the first good night's sleep she'd had in six years.