My Madness, My Saving Sanity
Chapter Nine: Psychosis
By: Nightelfcrawler
Author's note: While this is G1 based, I've made Starscream a blend of his G1 and Armada personalities just because I find the dichotomy of it fascinating. It takes place in no particular timeline, following no particular events. Also, please review politely. If you haven't something nice to say, keep it to yourself please.
"Will he be ok?"
"Can't say… psychic attacks are way out of my league."
"It did physical damage to his cortex, melted circuits. It had to have been one mech: Soundwave."
"He won't be permanently damaged will he?"
"Hard to say."
Primus… Yes, he certainly had a sense of humor when it came to me. But why was I hearing concerned voices? I thought I recognized them as I drifted in and out of consciousness, yet their names flitted away out of reach before I could fully come to. Somewhere in the back of my processor I felt relieved… those voices were familiar… friendly… safe. Blackness came and swallowed me once more.
When I finally woke, it was to a dull throbbing ache everywhere across my head. It hurt to think, to even think about thinking… I stifled a groan, aware there was a distinct sharp ringing in my audio receptors, as well as a strange static interface. Something had been damaged… Everything felt woozy, as if the world were spinning wildly around me, but something was tying me down to keep me from falling.
Screamer? Skywarp's worried thought came across the com link almost the moment I on-lined again. You're awake… are you ok?
Slaggin' fragger son of a glitch… I shot back irritably.
Oh good, you're ok.
Shut up… please for the love of Primus if you have to talk, whisper…
We're not talking… Came the confused voice of Thundercracker. I think you're hearing someone else in the room with you.
Suddenly aware he was right, I groaned aloud. Thankfully the voices silenced for a second, only for Ratchet's to come closer, it's volume sending waves of pain stabbing into my head. "He's awake.."
"How is he?" That was Optimus… odd that he would be visiting my bedside.
"Some pretty extensive sonic receptor damage." Ratchet was saying as I grudgingly on-lined my optics. "Soundwave did a number on him… It melted his communication system, most of it anyway. I fortunately managed to shut him down before it could spread, but it had the properties of a virus… fortunately it was only a simulated virus broadcasted by Soundwave, and the moment Starscream was offline he couldn't broadcast it any further. If he'd remained online longer it could have done permanent damage to his central processor. Fortunately there was some kind of firewall in effect that kept him from breaking through it immediately." Ratchet glanced down at me keenly. "My guess is, this isn't the first time he's used that kind of attack, am I right?"
I simply shuttered my optics and moved my head away from them, even that smallest motion sending waves of dizziness and pain through my cranium. I didn't need to answer, they could guess the truth.
Primus, I thought we were going to die… Skywarp just couldn't stay quiet. You've been through that before? How can you stand it? I thought my head was going to split open!
You felt that? I was a bit puzzled. How was this possible? Up until now, they had never shared any amount of pain that I had been the recipient of… it was odd that they would start feeling it now. My processor turned over this new development, puzzling in connection to the other odd things that had been happening. Were they related?
Drove him to his knees. Thundercracker said grimly. But he was more exhausted than I was…
You felt it too, TC…?
Yeah…
Why though? He's gotten fragged up by Megatron before and we never felt it…
This was different, Soundwave was doing it.
Still, Screamer's had a few run-ins with him before… We never felt it then either.
"Primus, will you two shut up…" I growled out loud, forgetting myself.
Ratchet stopped, having been talking with Optimus. "Pardon?"
I sighed tiredly, lifting a hand slowly to my head, pushing at the side of the sensitive seam of the scar across my temple. "Not you…"
"Your wing mates?" He guessed, a curious edge to his voice. "Can't you simply block them out?" He appeared suddenly concerned, which oddly bothered me.
Yeah stop listening in, this is OUR conversation, not yours, Screamer.
Don't CALL me that! I growled out irritably. You KNOW I hate that nickname.
Get over it. Now butt out.
I don't think he can… Thundercracker seemed bemused. I'm getting an error in the communications network. He can't disconnect.
What?! So he's permanently linked to us?
"Primus no… not those two." I groaned out loud, on-lining my optics again to look pleadingly at Ratchet. "YOU can get them to shut up somehow, right?"
The two mechs in the med-bay just stared at me curiously. Optimus seemed more bemused, Ratchet looked worried. "You can't block out your wing mates' comm. chatter?"
"No." I growled. "Fix it. They talk too much."
To my growing horror, Ratchet shook his head slowly. "I'm not certain I can. I've run diagnostics on your processor, and several of the key nodes were melted and re-wired as a result of the psychic attack you endured. In addition, it may be entirely likely judging on your wing mates' reaction when you were attacked, this link may not entirely be physically created." He glanced over at Optimus then back to me with a worried frown. "I can take another look, but I'm afraid that if I tried to re-wire anything it might do worse damage."
"What?" I blinked distractedly, pushing harder at my head. The other two were arguing LOUDLY, and I couldn't block it out. "PRIMUS YOU TWO SHUT UP JUST FOR A MOMENT!" I snarled aloud. It became blissfully quiet as they switched to verbal discussions. "Finally." My optics focused back on Ratchet tiredly. "What were you saying?"
"I said, this damage may not be entirely physically linked." Ratchet frowned. "When you were attacked, they also were."
I blinked. "Their com frequencies would have been open as well."
"Not what I meant." Ratchet shook his head. "It was coming through you. When I shut you off, they stopped feeling it. It was pain transmitted through the link you three share."
I blinked again. "Impossible."
"I thought so too at first." Ratchet muttered, glancing at Optimus for an explanation. "But then I ran some tests. I found your spark was giving off some additional readings that hadn't been there the last time I scanned you. At least this time I could identify it. Typically this kind of link is formed by spark-bonds. Yet you've not had this kind of experience until recently, so it must be newly forged." He studied me carefully. "My guess is when you three merged sparks to save Skywarp, that did it. Whatever you three did, you changed your own spark patterns so they run on the same frequency."
I made a snort of disgust. "We're not bond-mates."
"No, you're not." Ratchet clarified. "But you are linked… in the way that Sunstreaker and Sideswipe are linked, is my guess. When one of them is injured, both feel the pain. Such is the case here. Like it or not, it appears you three are now brothers, literally."
Great. Now we're stuck with each other.
Brilliant deduction.
SHUT UP BOTH OF YOU. Primus you make my head hurt.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Ratchet was watching the growing strain in my optics with some concern. "I'm worried about this situation Optimus. While Sunstreaker and Sideswipe share a mental link of sorts, they're able to block it when needed, as I understand it. Starscreams' inability to block out his teammates' chatter could become a serious problem to his mental health." He had an odd look on his face, and I knew he was thinking 'in addition to the other problems he has'. Bah.
"I can see why." Optimus murmured, studying me as I glanced his way through cracks in my fingers. "You scrambled his communications codes already I hope."
"Yes… And Skywarp and Thundercracker each put their own protocols into place so this shouldn't happen again. Soundwave can get into any of our heads, but he can't cause that kind of damage if he doesn't have the permissions a Decepticon frequency would allow him. Megatron must have known that."
"He was looking for me." I muttered hoarsely, drawing both their attentions. "He didn't believe the ruse, and wanted to know if it was really me, or just a deception…"
"Unfortunate for you that you were within range." Ratchet muttered. "If we'd been farther away he wouldn't have found you."
"He knows I'm alive now." I sighed resignedly. "He won't stop at anything to finish the job…"
There was an awkward silence in the room as the two mechs processed that information. "In either case, we need to get started upgrading your body anyway." Ratchet suggested. "While we're at it we can do some precautionary defenses so Megatron won't have another way into your systems again. We should see to your wing mates as well, seeing that I'll require one of them to study schematics."
Not it!
Oh grow up Skywarp.
Dun wanna!
Fine I'll do it. But you'd better repay me for not just this, but the slaggin' paint that won't come off my chassis! You owe me high grade big-time.
"Thundercracker will be your guinea pig." I rumbled with an amused smirk.
"I'll have someone bring him here. Until then I want you remaining in the med-bay for observation. I'm still not entirely re-assured there wasn't some other long-lasting damage done here. I need to disassemble some of your chassis anyway so its as good an excuse as any I suppose." The medic grumbled. I rolled my optics at him. "Now, roll over when you can so I can get started."
"One moment of your time first." Optimus insisted as I prepared to sit up and collect my spinning composure. "Ratchet, some privacy please."
"Of course."
The medic slipped out at the request leaving me with the Autobot commander. I mentally braced myself for the inevitable coming my direction. However, Optimus surprised me. "I would like to thank you, Starscream."
"Pardon?" I was floored. Someone was... complimenting me? Let alone the enemy commander?
"Your plan worked, and as a result you helped save Bluestreaks' life. I believe he himself is very grateful at the success of your plan. Thanks to you we have prevented the loss of life, and saved a fellow. For that I am impressed and grateful for your assistance. You offered it freely without provocation. I am quite impressed."
I looked away, feeling an unnatural sense of awkwardness flood over me. Berating, screaming, insults I could handle. I had developed defenses for that. But so few of my brilliant schemes actually WORKED that I was not used to being told I had done a good job, and not being mocked over it. "It… was nothing." I ground out warily, still not trusting his intentions.
"On the contrary." Optimus sat down in one of Ratchet's medical bay chairs, making himself a bit more comfortable. "You seem not to realize that you've made a few friends here." At my disbelieving snort he shook his head. "It is true. Perceptor and Wheeljack came by several times while you were unconscious, very worried about your condition. In addition Bluestreak wishes to pass along his gratitude to you." I shifted my optics away, abruptly uncomfortable. "I realize your intentions are as we discussed before, however I would like to once again extend my offer to you." My optics slid back over to Optimus warily. "You and your wing mates have already agreed to collaborate with us for a uniform goal, however we cannot be sure how long this will take. I would like to ask you to consider becoming our Air Commander once you are back ready to take to the skies. Your knowledge and experience will be invaluable to us, and with your wing mates at your side I feel that our presence will be greatly strengthened."
I stared at him incredulously, barely able to believe what I was hearing. He was asking me to willingly join their ranks permanently, not just as a neutral collaborator, but as a ranked officer? Me, a Decepticon as long as my CPU could process? Did he even KNOW who I was, the treacherous backstabbing traitor who usually turned on anyone and everyone? Or was he merely being naive? He must be trying to trick me somehow. "You're joking, right?" I rasped out in disbelief.
"Not at all. We all need a goal, a common ends to fight for… in our case it is the possibility that one day we can end this war and live peacefully together. Merely you three being here sends hope to my spark that one day it could be possible. Consider it fighting for a cause, not a faction. Don't we all wish for a less complicated life filled with less war, less fighting?" I frowned. "Your knowledge of science in addition makes you a very valuable ally, Starscream. I had no idea that you were versed in that field. Ratchet mentioned that I should make more use of it, and I must agree with him. I am quite frankly surprised Megatron did not take advantage of your experience in that field."
"He never cared for science…." I muttered darkly. "It was a waste of time for him, a useless process that could be better spent launching assaults."
"And I believe that is why few of his endeavors have succeeded as of late." Optimus offered thoughtfully. He did not think through things that might be resolved without fighting. You are all formidable warriors of course, but I believe the mind is far stronger than brute force." He smiled as he rose. "Oh… and given your accomplishments and heroics as of late, I have come to the decision to grant you amnesty. It is in your hands where you and your team goes from here. You are welcome to stay, or you may leave. The choices is yours. I would however consider your knowledge and experience quite valuable if you decided to remain on a no-obligation basis."
I turned that information over in my head, feeling dizzy not just from the attack I had survived, but the realization I was being offered a place that I never thought I'd get a chance to stand again. I had no where to go, no place to call home, no faction to welcome me in. All this fighting thrilled my energon, but when I was out of the fury of battle, I felt tired and weighted down from it all. I longed for the chance to simply go out and EXPLORE again, study new things, find new secrets. Though the bloodthirsty part of my soul laughed in mirth at the ridiculous idea of Starscream the Mighty becoming an Autobot, of all things… the other half of me that had experienced LIFE while here on the Autobot's base… seen what it was like to live without constantly watching your back among your colleagues… I longed for that secretly.
And it wasn't so secret anymore, to my horror.
YOU'VE GOT TO BE FRAGGIN' ME?! Skywarp was in hysterics, his laughter ringing through the connection. He wants you to be an Autobot?! Oh this is rich.
To be honest, I could care less whose side we're on, as long as we're out of this blasted cell. I'm beginning to get claustrophobic.
You're already half Autoscum, TC.
Shut up, both of you! Let me think in peace!
Hey, Screamer…if you want to do this… I know how sick of the war you are…
I'm not sick of it! Skywarp sent hotly.
Ok, except for 'Warp then. To be honest, I don't care what 'side' we're on, but you know we're with you. This war's gotta end. It's become pointless. I don't care if we turn tail and just go drink ourselves silly day in and out at this point…
Aw man…What am I gonna shoot at?
Can it already, 'Warp.
Just… let me think it over, both of you.
Sure thing, Screamer.
Well… if you two fraggers wanna stay here, as long as I don't have to stop insulting them, it might not be too bad.
"As I said, you needn't give your answer now." Optimus was saying calmly. "I realize this is a very large decision. However considering you three have no home or place to return to if and when our endeavor here is complete, and considering how you will be working with us indefinitely, I thought the consideration was worth being presented. Think about it, let me know when you have reached your decision." And with that Optimus rose and nodded once before leaving the med bay, allowing Ratchet to enter.
"Right. On your front now. Here we go." The medic helped me roll over by stabilizing my head as I groaned and twisted my body around. Everything whirled wildly and I found myself wondering which way was up until finally the ground came back into focus as my optics focused below me. "Need any painkillers or can you power down the affected sections as I request?"
"I'm fine." I said darkly. I hated this more than anything right now, being so vulnerable. I couldn't fight back, I had to remain at his mercy… it was insufferable, but it had to be done.
"As you like. I'm going to put you into stasis for most of this anyway." I could feel him tinkering around at the base of my skull, knowing he was about to put me to sleep. And without warning, Ratchet flipped the emergency shutoff in my head and I slipped into stasis with a curse echoing in my head.