My Madness, My Saving Sanity

Chapter Eleven: Ghosts of the Past

By: Nightelfcrawler

Author's note: While this is G1 based, I've made Starscream a blend of his G1 and Armada personalities just because I find the dichotomy of it fascinating. It takes place in no particular timeline, following no particular events. Also, please review politely. If you haven't something nice to say, keep it to yourself please.

A very loud and quite frankly, obnoxious sound bore into my head, waking me from what had been a very deep and peaceful recharge. With a low groan, I rolled over, a wing smacking the wall as I did so, still unused to having the familiar presence of them back with me. Letting out a loud curse, I on-lined my optics to pitch blackness and fumbled for the lights, glaring briefly at my internal chronometer. It was early. Very early. Too early to be up. Even my wing mates weren't awakened by me stirring about yet, their signals solidly in recharge, dead to the world for all they knew.

Ah, blissful silence.

The door buzzed again.

I struggled to my feet, and became abruptly aware how much the room was spinning around me. I grabbed the top of the bunk to steady myself, watching as star sparkled about my vision. Frag it all to hell, whoever was out there was going to get a verbal bashing they would never forget. To hell if I woke everyone else in the process. I stomped angrily over to the control panel and bashed my fist onto the button. "WHAT!?" I snarled furiously.

There was a long pause. "Oh dear, I forgot how early it was. My sincere apologies." Great… it was Perceptor. "I can return later if you would prefer to return to recharge…"

I sighed. I was up now, what did it matter. Some of my anger was dissolving away. There was just something about the scientist that made me not want to yell at him. I pushed the door release and it slid open. Standing there with the usual curious expression he wore, Perceptor looked as wide-awake as ever.

It was far too early for this. I almost shut the door again.

He smiled warmly as I stared down at him. "I was hoping you might assist me in some calculations, if you were up to it. I'm sure you're still feeling rather out of sorts after being in stasis for over a month, I thought you might enjoy a challenge to get your processor kicking full-gear again."

I rubbed my facial plates, doing my best to qualm the sharp retort that was on the tip of my vocalizer. "And you had to do this at this Primus-cursed hour of the morning? Is anyone even up yet? Pit, I just went to bed a few hours ago."

"Ah, sorry about that. I have a habit of rising out of recharge before anyone else is up. It's much quieter, you can get more done without being bothered."

He had a point. The other Autobots made no secret of their loathing for me and my brothers. Though we may have been assigned as members of their team, that didn't mean the rest were ready to hold hands and sing songs around a campfire with us. I had no doubt that Skywarp was going to have to watch his back today after he woke, if the twins even remembered having shared cubes of high-grade with him last night. Jet Judo was the LAST thing he'd have to worry about.

I rubbed my cranial casing to try and alleviate the pounding leftover from overdosing on high-grade myself, and decided that since I was up, I might as well go with it. "Well, I'm up anyway." I grumbled stepping outside my quarters to join him, though shooting him a 'I'm not amused' glare to tell him how unhappy I was at being woken prematurely. "What are you dabbling in then?"

"I thought up a new idea for energon purification that could be a bit more energy efficient."

Sounded completely dull and uninteresting.

"Very well. Gives me something to do." I muttered trying my best to stifle a yawn. It didn't work. Nonetheless, we both made our way towards the galley, filled up on a few cubes of low grade and traveled down to the lab to enjoy breakfast as we worked.

It was odd, I thought as I stared at a data pad slowly sipping the energon, feeling it revitalize me a bit as I studied the diagrams, everything seemed rather normal now. Sure, everyone knew who I was, I'd been rebuilt and was 'myself' again, or as close as I could come to it, yet here I sat calmly with an Autobot, talking about insignificant things like the weather and science. Sure, I was a sarcastic, dry irritable prick sometimes, even I knew that fact even when my wing mates failed to remind me. But still, these little moments made me forget the drama, the chaos, the murders I had engaged in. A brief pulse of normalcy, a chance for acceptance, a friend who listened to my ideas…

A friend.

I paused, staring emptily at the data pad, not absorbing the information as I let my thoughts wander. It was so rare nowadays that I could sit back and reflect in peace without my brothers barging into my mind, reading my thoughts and feelings. Now, it was silence: calm, peaceful silence. It was bliss, and gave me the chance to think. Friends… There had been a point not too long ago that the word would have made me snort with mirth, but now… I began to accept the fact that I DID have them, however unlikely it had seemed. My wing mates were now my brothers, as close as anyone could possibly get to me, I supposed. Perceptor had become a confidant of sorts, and even the crazy Wheeljack was a friendly sight for sore optics, as long as you maintained a healthy distance from him when he was 'experimenting'.

But no matter how I looked at it, there was still no denying one fact.

No one would ever replace Skyfire.

I hadn't ever told Thundercracker and Skywarp the full truth about him. They knew he'd been a partner, and that I'd lost him on a science expedition, but they didn't know much more than the basic details. I couldn't possibly ever relate the truth to them, they were too close to me, our relationship built on something entirely different than what Skyfire and I had experienced. They wouldn't understand. Well, perhaps Skywarp might. Odd as it sounded, beneath that joking rough exterior was an insecure mech that had come far in his life. He'd told me about his own troubles and experiences that had led him to join the Decepticons. While Thundercracker hadn't shared his story with either of us yet, we had no doubt his was something similar to ours. Different, yet eerily alike. We all shared that one bond, the bond of loss and pain.

Perceptor was the complete absence of pain. Everything around him sang peace and calm, optimism and curiosity. It was like he'd never suffered conflict once in his life, and for all I knew he hadn't. I hadn't exactly taken the time to find out what his life story was.

Not that I really CARED.

But he did.

"You know, I really do enjoy these sessions of ours, Starscream." The scientist lifted his head to smile in my direction as I broke out of my train of thoughts and stared back at him over the data pad. "Despite what the others think, you really DO have a brilliant mind."

"Thank you so much." I drawled rather dryly, shooting him a bored look. "I don't get told that enough."

"I imagine praise isn't as lucrative in the Decepticon ranks as it is here…"

"Not particularly."

"It must be incredibly hard to cope with, never being praised or acknowledged for doing a good job…" He mused. "I don't think I could ever stand that, such a negative work environment… How did you manage it?"

I snorted lightly, glancing down at the data pad and typing in a quick calculation as it came to me. "I didn't get to exercise my brilliance much. Or if I did, it was within the confines of my own quarters."

"How uninspiring." Perceptor said quietly. "It sounds suffocating, to be frank."

"It was." I admitted quietly, frowning into the data pad, not seeing the numbers as my thoughts wandered. "But I knew I was smart, and that was all that mattered."

Perceptor looked a bit startled, and glanced my way. "Didn't your wing mates share their criticism with you?"

"Are you joking?" I snorted, a grin pulling at my lips. "Those two wouldn't know which end of a capacitor to attach to a warp gate. Try talking science with either of them and you'll end up with either a blank stare or smart-aft comment for your trouble."

"Ah, good point." Perceptor pursed his lips. "What about any other friends you had among your faction?"

I lifted an optic ridge at him.

"Oh come on…" Perceptor urged, lowering his data pad. "Surely you had some you could confide in?"

"Decepticons don't work that way." I said flatly, biting back the scathing barb I wanted to add about Autobots being too soft. "Any science findings I kept to myself and analyzed on my own."

"You had no one at all to share your interest with?" Perceptor asked softly. "Ever?"

I knew where he was going with this… he was digging into places he shouldn't. But as I stared emptily at the data pad in my hand, my mind drifted over the realization that here was someone actually interested in hearing about ME… Not to exploit anything, not to make fun of me, but because he was interested, because he cared. My thoughts danced around in quiet privacy, as I hesitated for a moment, seriously thinking over whether or not to continue to hide the truth, to push it back even from myself, or to open up to someone at last, share some of what I'd longed to share to another, but had never been willing to do. I ran a finger along the top of the data pad, deep in thought. It must have shown too, as Perceptor watched me with a knowing expression. It had been a long time since I had been amidst the Decepticon ranks, and since then, some of my barriers had fallen, or dissolved and not been restored. I lifted my optics and met his, and in that moment made a decision. I wasn't sure what made me do it, but I set the data pad down and fixed him with a stare. "I had a partner once." I said bluntly. "Before I joined the Decepticons."

I could see interest sparkling in Perceptor's optics as he listened attentively, not daring to interrupt me for fear I might stop. I lowered my optics to stare at my fingers as I wove them together, afraid if I maintained contact with his gaze that I might lose my nerve. "I enjoyed working with him. We did well together. He was the calm rational type, I was the extremist coming up with new innovative ideas." I frowned then slowly lifted my hand to slip into my side compartment and pulled out the shiny yet dented golden metal piece that I had kept close, and passed it over to him in silence.

Perceptor took the medal, slid it closer so he could study it, and when he caught sight of the engraved face his optics widened. "Primus… This is the Cybertronian Science Award…" He lifted his head, staring across at me reverently. "You won it…? That is outstanding. I had no idea…" He trailed off spotting the other name engraved on the face. "…Ah… so that's where you got the name Skyfire from…" He lifted his optics one more. "It was his name, yes?"

I nodded in silence before reaching back to take the medal and tuck it safely away. Perceptor waited as I sat there, frowning as I buried my thoughts in my own reminiscence. After a moment, I forced myself to continue, realizing that as much as Perceptor was curious to know more about me, I needed to let this out, needed someone to hear it, even if they didn't understand it… "I was the first Seeker to enter the Science Academy, and the last to my knowledge. Others didn't like the idea, thought that mechs like me were meant for fighting, not analysis. It wasn't the best working environment, but I wasn't about to let that stop me." I smirked slightly. "Got myself a pretty foul reputation as a result, but my achievements got me the top ranking in the school. As a result, I got myself paired up on a senior project with the second highest ranking student, this big hulking transport flier who'd sooner dent his own fuselage than step on a glitch mouse." I chuckled despite myself. "We were complete opposites. He got on my nerves constantly, and I'm sure I irritated him to no end, but he was better at hiding it than I was. But at the end of the day we came up with better ideas together, finished work and came up with more ideas than we would have individually. We made a good team." I trailed off, frowning as the memories slipped into the territory of the less pleasant. "We were on a geological scouting mission to gather biological data on some more remote regions, when it all went wrong. I was being an idiot, even I can admit to that." I sighed with a dark scowl. "I was showing off how skilled at flying I was, and he was trying to keep up…." I trailed off and stopped there, not meeting Perceptors' optics. No doubt he could finish the story on his own.

It was silent for a while, then something bumped against my hand forcing me to look up. To my surprise, a cube of high grade sat sparkling at my wrist, and a quick glance to Perceptor confirmed my suspicions. The mech was watching me seriously, not showing pity, but understanding. "I'm sorry, Starscream." He said somberly, optics serious. "I know what it's like to lose a partner. It must have been devastating."

My hand slid around the high grade and I ran a thumb along the rim of the sparkling container, then took a deep draught. To hell with being a lightweight. If this took the edge off the pain, all the better for it. "What was even worse…" I said feeling the liquid burn down my intakes, as I forced myself to refrain from coughing on the fumes, which only resulted in making my voice even more hoarse. "…I couldn't even have closure. His body's buried somewhere in some forgotten little backwater ice planet. I got blamed for everything, kicked out of the academy, and banned from the science community for life. Serves me right I suppose for being so reckless…"

"Starscream!" Perceptor seemed shocked. "Don't blame yourself so entirely. Certainly there was an element of guilt there, but you cannot hold yourself responsible for the death of your comrade based on circumstances beyond your control."

"Pfft." I snorted in response, downing another gulp of high grade and staring blankly at the half empty cube. "I can do what I like. It's been nearly a millennia. It's not like the science community is ever going to welcome me back with wide-open arms after everything I've done."

Perceptor frowned, but didn't refute my words. Instead, he sipped a small vial of high grade he'd poured himself, obviously not planning on getting sloshed like I was clearly doing. "No matter how great your sins, as long as you try to atone for them and make things right, I think that's what matters… taking up science again, wouldn't that make him happy?" I didn't respond, but my grip on the cube tightened slightly. "Then why not endeavor towards that goal, to honor the memory of a friend, instead of the loss of a comrade. There is nothing you can do to change the past, but you can always influence your future."

I didn't respond.

"It's your life… and looking towards the future is such a bright concept, that I would embrace it if I were you, Starscream."

I just took another long sip of high grade.

It fuzzed my brain so I didn't have to think.