My Madness, My Saving Sanity

Chapter Thirteen: Friends

By: Nightelfcrawler

Author's note: While this is G1 based, I've made Starscream a blend of his G1 and Armada personalities just because I find the dichotomy of it fascinating. It takes place in no particular timeline, following no particular events. Also, please review politely. If you haven't something nice to say, keep it to yourself please.

"Tell me again, WHY are we out here?" Skywarp's complaint rang in my audio receptors despite the chilly wind that threatened to tear his voice away. "This is the most dismal exploration mission we've ever been on… and you volunteered for it."

I said nothing, trying my best not to rise to his antagonizing words. I needn't explain my methods to them, as irritating as they could be. We were currently cruising at a high altitude over the wide empty expanse of the southern polar region. Optimus had said there were substantial deposits of energy and fuel here, and we had been asked to scout it and find out if this was true or not. I had volunteered our team because we were the most logical choice, being fliers.

I had another reason for doing it.

The past few weeks had been rather… uncomfortable. Skywarp and Thundercracker seemed to get the worst of it, mostly because I found time to spend with Perceptor and Wheeljack in their respective labs, leaving them to fend for themselves. They were understandably restless and bitter, which is why I had thought this excursion would do them, and myself, a bit of good. But scanning ice covered land was not their idea of fun. Had they known the true reason I wanted to come here, they might have laughed at me.

There were few places in the universe that could sustain life, even fewer than had ice on them… I had run scans, comparisons until I had finally come up with only one that could possibly have met my memories. I was not overly hopeful that I would find what I wanted here, but the idea still tugged at me. I had to CHECK at least. If nothing else, I could think of a plan should I ever encounter another ice planet where HE might have been hidden.

As we soared over the frigid Antarctic, I had to send a burst of heat to keep my thrusters from stalling. Primus… cold weather was horribly inconvenient for machines. Even humans avoided this area. There hadn't been a life sign of anything for miles now, only rugged mountains and endless, endless ice.

I sighed. "You're right. There's nothing out here. I'm not sure what Prime was thinking believing there to be energon stored out here."

"Well he never SAID it was energon, just energy, fuel sources. I did notice a bunch of oil depositories near those mountains." Thundercracker brought up, tilting his wings a bit to aim in that direction.

We both followed his lead, soaring closer towards the mountains, glad of anything to break up the doldrums of white surrounding us. "I don't see anything…" I muttered, scanning the mountains ahead of our arrival to find them bare.

"I'm sure I saw something… maybe at the southern end." Thundercracker dipped lower, soaring over the peaks of the jagged earth beneath us. We scattered to get a better layout and I soared over an open crevasse that snaked through the ice shelf like a chasm.

It was then that I got something on my scanner.

I paused, slowing my engines to scan the blip again. Not oil or energon, but something irregular that was definitely not ice or rock. I studied the blip, soaring in lower to catch a closer look.

Metal. It was definitely metal.

My spark surged with an undefined feeling. Impossible. Not here… not this whole time. It couldn't be!

I soared down to the icy cliff face and transformed, landing perched like a raptor on the side of the wall, staring down into the depths of the crevasse. The only reason I had detected it was because of this crack in the ground. Thick ice that hid signals normally was shallow by the slice in the shelf. I could read it stronger now that I was nearer. Somewhere halfway down, the reading was coming clearly from the middle of the ice.

Impossible, right?

My spark fluttered wildly again in it's chamber, this time drawing attention from my wing mates who were still off scouting around the mountain range.

Screamer? What's up? You seem nervous.

Yeah… find something interesting?

I remained silent, not answering their calls at first. I had to find out… Before I did anything else, I had to find out. If I told them my suspicions then they would get overly excited. I reined my emotions tightly in. Perhaps. I'm going to check something out. Keep looking.

Kay. Be careful.

I always am.

Not.

Shut up.

I ignited my thrusters and carefully began to descend into the massive crevasse. It was dark the further down I descended, but my optics were calibrated for dim light well enough that I could see where I was going. Slowly I approached the signal, scanning the wall with intense optics. Nothing… I could see nothing…. My spark stuttered a bit again, seeming to unclench. I was being foolish. Of course it was nothing.

Suddenly I froze hovering in place as my optics locked on something definitely not the same blue color as the ice around it.

Red. A flash of red.

My spark seized up.

No… Not here.

Screamer? I didn't pay the least big of attention at Thundercracker's concerned voice breaking through the silence of my thoughts. Instead, I began to scan the flash of red, holding my vents as anxiety coursed through me, and subsequently through the link.

A shape took form through my scans… a familiar shape. My vents hissed loudly sending cold air spinning around me as my head spun. I double-checked the scan, then triple checked it. My thrusters sputtered and I was forced to slam my fist into the side of the ice to keep from falling. This enabled me to peer through the transparent surface, staring directly into the milky depths of blue…

Primus… I had to be dreaming.

"Screamer?" A voice broke my reverie from above as two loud thumps in the ice jarred a little free to fall down and pelt me in the head. "You ok? You're acting really weird."

I lifted my head skywards, my blue optics dull and empty for a moment as I tried to comprehend what they were saying. My mind was spinning, wildly dancing around me free of it's restraints. I could barely think straight. My whole world seemed to be collapsing. The only thing keeping me stable was my fist embedded into the ice wall. Above me, Thundercracker and Skywarp were both leaning over the crevasse on opposite sides, staring down at me with concerned crimson optics.

Something within me snapped.

"Get down here now, you idiots." I spat out sharply, my voice sounding slightly higher than it normally was. "Help me."

They exchanged glances before igniting their thrusters and sliding down the ice wall to hover on either side of me. "What, you find some fuel?"

"Not exactly." I said quietly, turning my head to stare at the shadowed figure.

Both of them shifted their optics to stare at the object of my attention, both frowning and obviously not seeing what I was seeing. "I don't get it." Skywarp said slowly. "What's so great about some rocks?"

"You idiot!" I snapped sharply, my fist connecting with his head in a reverberating clank. "SCAN it!"

I only had to wait a moment before both their optics widened. "Holy slag on a stick, Starscream!"

"Is that what I think it is?"

"Yes. Now, weapons on wide beams. If we blast enough ice out of the way we can use our thrusters to melt the rest."

"You sure that's a good idea?"

"SHUT UP AND DO IT!"

I didn't even pay attention how much time passed by as we worked. I knew it was a significant amount of time, as the sun lowered in the horizon but did not vanish in this summer period. All I knew was when finally we had carved out a hole in the side of the cliff and crawled within the small cave, I knew without a doubt what exactly we had found.

There was no doubt. It was HIM.

It was Skyfire.

Staring down at the wide white wings that I knew so well, I felt a stab of anger and pain. I had long since thought he was dead… granted to find he was not was an incredible weight on my spark suddenly lifted. I felt weightless, giddy, excited staring down at the blank dormant face still and silent at my knees. Our thrusters were smoking still, as we had pushed them to the brink of overheating. Skywarp and Thundercracker sat near the entrance letting their feet cool with moisture steaming off the still molten thrusters. I ignored mine, which had cooled faster as I had been keeping them flat against the ice where I stood staring down at my offline friend.

He looked exactly the same as when he had crashed.

Of COURSE he did… I ran a hand against my facial plates feeling a sudden dismal oppression set down on my shoulders. I began to pace. He would not have changed… but I had obviously changed greatly, in more ways than one. What would he think of me when he woke? What would he do? I continued to pace furiously waiting as his frigid body slowly began to lift it's temperature to a more reasonable rate. As of yet I'd detected no cerebral activity from his core processor. He was still in terminal stasis lock.

Would he snap out of it?

Panic began to rise within me as I stopped my frantic pacing to stare down at the frozen mech. Instantly I knelt down next to him and began to pry the catches of his helmet up. I would NOT let this happen. Not after finding him, not after having come this far… I felt some odd sense of disquiet within me at the realization that if I could not prove myself to him, if I could not show him where I've come, then everything was worthless. I steeled myself and carefully slid his plating aside to stare at the processor. There was some ice crystallization inside. No wonder his CPU was shut down, any bit of condensation would prevent it from initializing until it was dry. I immediately set to work.

I wasn't sure how long I worked. All I knew was that when I was finally finished, I felt satisfied that I had done everything I could. Unable to keep functioning any longer, I slid back against the ice wall and allowed myself to offline. But my processor did not shut down fully until I was deep in recharge.

I wasn't sure how long it was until I awoke… but when I finally on-lined my optics I realized I was no longer alone. He hadn't moved, but as my optics adjusted to the dim cave, I saw twin blue lights dimly glowing from the silent mech's face.

My spark surged as I scrambled to my feet and knelt over him, staring down into his face.

Skyfire's expression was blank, but his optics flickered as my face came into his field of vision.

He was awake.

A sudden feeling of uncertainty flashed over my processor, but I pushed it aside to place my hand lightly on his cold shoulder vents, peering down worriedly. "Skyfire?" I asked slowly, my voice unusually quiet.

His pale blue optics flickered and then focused up on me with a blank expression. There was no recognition there. For a moment I felt panic slid through me. He didn't know who I was…!

Oh.. right… I had re-designed myself. I didn't even look like me anymore.

This might be good… I could test out to see how he felt about my betrayal… my abandonment.

"…where…" Came the faint reply from a disused vocal processor that had been silent for a million years. It was rusty and crackling with static, but it's familiarity clutched at me like a lifeline. "….where am I…?"

"You're safe." I said quietly, tightening my grip on his shoulder. "Do you remember what happened?"

His optics flickered again as he accessed memories that to him had only happened a short time ago, yet the reaction time was ages for me as I warily watched his face for a reaction. "…I crashed." He said softly. "…shut down… sealed in ice…"

"Yes." I said, feeling my spark flutter wildly. "We found you… we melted the ice and freed you."

He on-lined his optics again and shifted them to look up at me, a faint smile flickering over his face. "I suppose I should thank you then."

I smirked in return, feeling a flash of hope slide through me. He sounded just like his old self. "How are you feeling?"

"Cold." He said with a small sigh. "Everything is stiff."

"Being frozen for a million years will do that." I muttered, reaching down to help him sit up and lean against the wall. He moved slowly but the ice that had locked his joints in place began to crack and fall out, melting as his body heated up with his own energy. "How low are you?" was my sudden thought.

"35 percent." He said automatically. "Enough to recharge a bit. Once things get cycling it'll be better for me."

"There doesn't seem to be any massive damage to your structure." I said leaning back to appraise his armor. "Your right wing is a bit bashed in, but nothing that would render you grounded. You should be able to fly with it."

"You seem to know a lot about my physiology." He muttered squinting up at me. "I don't recognize your model… You look like a Seeker variety, but there are some alterations I'm not familiar with."

"I am a Seeker." I said, feeling an uncharacteristic flutter of nervousness. "I've had some damage to my original structure that prompted a re-design. Also…" I hesitated unsure how much I should unload on him all at once. "…you are not on Cybertron, far from it. There is an armada of troops here that have taken the local disguises enabling us to blend in with the natives."

"Ah, that makes sense." Skyfire mused before blinking. "Wait.. natives? There were no indigenous life forms when my partner and I scanned this surface…" He trailed off, a frown on his brow as I realized that he'd suddenly remembered the incident leading up to his icy imprisonment. "…How… long exactly has it been you said?"

"Over a million years." I said quietly. "And there is much that has changed in the time since you went into stasis lock."

Skyfire lifted his optics, studying me warily. "Why do I get the feeling I am not about to enjoy what you are telling me, friend?"

I sighed. "It is not the best circumstances, I will admit." I frowned deeply, crossing my arms as I glanced sharply to the side hearing twin thrusters from outside. "Unfortunately that may have to wait. My wing mates have returned."

His head turned as mine did in time to see Thundercracker and Skywarp land one after another, chatting with each other as they did. "I don't care what you saw, there's nothing alive down here other than us, 'Warp."

"I swore I saw SOMETHING moving! I wasn't imagining things. I'm tellin' you.. oh…" He paused as they both turned their heads to see the two of us watching them. "Oh, look he's awake!" Skywarp grinned widely and pushed his way past Thundercracker.

Skyfire blinked at the two of them, a slight expression of confusion passing over his face. I instinctively knew what he was thinking. He saw twin models to his partner. Thundercracker glanced at me with a lift of his optic ridge. You guys need some time still? Want me to drag Mr. Enthusiastic's aft back out?

If you please.

No problem. Thundercracker turned and grabbed his brother's arm. "C'mon Warp. Let's let them reunite a bit, shall we."

"What?! But after all this time he's blabbed all about him, now we're supposed to just bug out!?"

"I said, come ON." Thundercracker said sharply, shoving his wing mate out the entrance and giving me a long-suffering look of his optics before igniting his thrusters and vanishing from sight.

This left an awkward silence in his wake. I hate you… I sent bitterly to the departing blue seeker.

Hey, someone had to break the ice to him, pun intended. Now you don't have to.

I turned my optics back to Skyfire who was staring at me with a puzzled expression. Frozen processors or not, he was intelligent enough to pick up on the 'slip' Thundercraker had let loose. I sighed and slid down into a sitting position across from him, picking ice idly from my right thruster.

"Re-united…" Skyfire said quietly. "That would lead me to believe we had met before." I lifted my optics to stare back at him evenly. "I did not catch your name…"

"You know my name, Skyfire." I said sighing and flicking a shard of ice right into his face. "You soft-hearted slaggin' moron."

His optics promptly widened in shock. "…Starscream?"

"None other." I smirked back at him, leaning back comfortably against the wall. "I did promise I'd save your aft, if you recall."

"I barely recognize you." He murmured, unable to tear his optics away from my new build. "But… I can see you still there beneath the armor."

"I told you, much has changed."

"You have obviously."

"More than you know." I slid my optics away, feeling a stab of guilt flood my processor.

There was silence for a long moment, before he spoke up again. "It's still good to see you, my friend."

I didn't reply, staring absently down at my right thruster, as if it might distract my attention. However, my cowardice had been destroyed with my old body, and my wing-mates were tuning me out so I could drop my barriers. "…you don't blame me for what happened then?" I asked quietly.

"Blame you?" Skyfire blinked at me, a puzzled expression crossing his facial plates. "Well you were being an idiot. But I'm awake now aren't I?"

I frowned at him sharply, anger flashing to my optics. "That's it? You don't have anything else to say?!"

"What more can I say, Star?" He asked slowly, eying me warily. "To me, this all happened shortly ago. For you however… I can understand why it would mean a great deal more."

"Damn right it did!" I hissed, my optics flaring as I leaned forward to stare intently at him. "Do you even KNOW how much losing you affected me!? What HAPPENED after I lost you?!"

"No, Starscream." He said patiently. "But I would like to know, if you can calm down enough." He eyed me calmly, with that ever-patient attitude that I often was so infuriated by. Unlike me, he seemed to be able to remain calm under any situation. I was easily sparked into emotion. I leaned back feeling some of my anger die down. He wouldn't understand… the rage, the guilt, the anger at myself… it was something that would shock him. He never had understood my tantrums, and would think my reaction was just due to being foolish again. But that wasn't it. I let me face fall into my hand, hot air venting from my intakes with frustration. I couldn't possibly voice my words without sounding pathetic. To my surprise, he moved forward and placed a hand on my shoulder. I lifted my optics to stare at him. "Starscream… whatever happened I am sure you can relate to me in time. For the moment, I am simply relieved to have found you safe… and to be awake once more. Why don't we leave it at that?"

I winced. "I can't." I said darkly. "You don't understand how difficult it is seeing you here again. I have lived my entire life thinking it was my fault you died. Your life was my responsibility, and I abandoned that and left you here to rot."

"I'm sure there was a reason for it."

I winced. Of course there was. I hadn't been able to convince the rescue party to return after they had dug me out half-frozen from the ice myself. That didn't help ease the pain any less. "You're too damn forgiving, you realize."

He smiled quietly. "And you are too stubborn, my friend."

I sighed and finally permitted myself a smile up at him, grasping his shoulder tightly in my fist as he returned the gesture. "I am glad to have you back…"

"So… I am very curious to find out just why you required such a unique re-design."

I snorted, leaning back. "Would you believe that I got my aft handed to me due to my own stupidity?"

"Yes."

"Frag you."

Skyfire chuckled, and studied my new form. "It fits you nonetheless. It's a bit more aerodynamic, not practical for distance space travel, however."

"My primary function isn't long-distance space travel anymore." I pointed out, gesturing a hand outside to the ice. "We have bases here on this planet, most of us are Earth-bound now."

"So this planet had usable resources? You mentioned natives…"

"Yes… usable in a fashion, not the most efficient but it will have to do considering our lack of reliable energon supplies."

"Why?" Skyfire asked puzzled. "Is Cybertron unable to ship any this distance?"

I winced. I had forgotten just how little he knew about what had happened during his long absence. Primus, he'd gone in even before the war. I glanced down at him with a heavy weight on my shoulders, and then sighed. "Skyfire… we have a long night of storytelling to share."

"I do believe I won't be flying anywhere anytime soon. Please, enlighten me."

I wasn't sure where to begin. How did one explain a million-year war to someone who'd missed it entirely? I rubbed my facial plates with a hand and sighed, squinting over at him. "Well…" I finally said slowly. "Many things changed after you were gone. Do you remember there were some rebellions starting around the Academy that we'd heard about?"

"I recall some vandals spray painting over the Academy emblem…"

"Yes… that was part of it. However those were merely hooligan wannabees with delusions of grandeur." I muttered with a snort. "They were not the true threat…" I trailed off and fell silent, only the distant sound of ice cracking somewhere in the canyon splitting the silence. I lifted my optics at last and fixed him with a stare. "I was expelled from the Academy."

"What?!" Skyfire stiffened in understandable shock. "For what?!"

I sighed and smirked wryly. "My… conduct was not exactly professional… I couldn't focus on my work without you." I admitted quietly. "I don't remember much of it, to be honest, I was usually slagged out of my mind… I don't think I missed it when they finally got fed up and kicked me out."

"Primus, Starscream…" Skyfire said, clearly shocked. "I didn't realize…." He trailed off. "I'm sorry for that… I suppose I should be flattered you thought of me so highly to mourn that much."

I glared sharply at him. "Don't be." I said coolly. "I'm quite ashamed of my behavior during that period." I sighed and my wings slumped a little. "I'm not saying that it would have been different if I'd thought clearly… but it's not my proudest moment." Skyfire said nothing, and I knew he was clearly disquieted at the thought of his close friend drinking himself into a stupor believing he was responsible for his death. "Anyway…" I said quietly. "Someone pulled me out of the gutter and gave me a purpose in life. He saved me from probably off-lining myself."

"That's a relief. I must remember to thank him for that." Skyfire murmered. "Who was it?"

My lips pulled back into a dark sneer. "Megatron."

Understandably, Skyfire didn't react. "Who?"

I sighed, slapping my fist into my forehead. "I keep forgetting how little you know."

"Sorry." He smiled apologetically in that most irritating way I knew.

"Megatron was that which changed Cybertron." I said quietly, focusing my optics on the icy ground. "He took the ancient ideals from the Great Wars before our time and brought them back to life. He challenged the Council's methods and leadership." I paused. "He started a revolution."

Skyfire's attention was fully focused on me now. "And you believed in his cause? Cybertron has been peaceful for eons!"

"I know." I said bitterly, smirking dryly and lifting my optics to stare at him. "But at the time, his ideas of rebelling against authority, changing the world, rising to rule the world with a new regime… let's say it gave me purpose." I leaned back against the ice, shuttering my optics. "I joined him gladly, and forgot you. It worked." Skyfire winced a bit but said nothing. "We became the Decepticons." I said slowly. "We recruited the best warriors… and that's when the War began."

"The War…. Why does that sound so… final."

"Because it's not yet over." I said quietly, opening my optics once more to stare back at him. "It's been going on since shortly after you landed here… and I don't see it ending soon."

"Primus." He whispered. "What has it done to our home?"

"It's torn Cybertron apart." I said bitterly. "Our world is in ruins, there's few civilians left on Cybertron at all which is in Decepticon control."

"Is that good then?" He asked slowly, though I could hear the wariness in his voice. I had just told him that I had joined that faction, and he didn't want to offend me.

I snorted. "Actually, I've left that group now…" I said dryly. "Ironic as it is to think I'd NEVER have thought of telling you that a few years ago… but it's true." I sighed and glanced up at him. "Same with my wing mates. We've joined up with Optimus Prime's little motley bunch of Autobots."

"A Prime?!" Skyfire blinked, obviously impressed.

"Yes." I said wryly. "The most boring Prime I've ever met."

"You've met another?"

"No." I smirked. "It's a long and complicated story… one that has parts I'm…" I hesitated, gulping a bit as the indecision crept into my processor. "…that I'm not ultimately proud of. Nonetheless, I feel I've made the right decision now…" I lifted my optics to stare back at him. "I used to wonder what you'd think of me if you knew what kind of monster I'd become." He opened his mouth to interrupt me, but I shook my head postponing his comment. "…but now I'm rather glad to say at least I'm not ashamed of myself right at this moment. My past, certainly… But… I am trying to atone for it."

Skyfire blinked at me dazedly, understandably confused. However as I'd spoken those words, I felt them ring true in my spark. I WAS proud of what I'd chosen lately. I WAS trying to atone for that which I felt guilty over. I leaned forward, grasping his wrist firmly, my optics eager. "Skyfire… I would like nothing more than to have you fly at my side again. While we fight for a temporary unified cause with the Autobots, I know you're not much of a warrior." He nodded a bit dazed at this revelation of my experiences. "Nonetheless, I want you to join our team… You're not a Seeker, but I hardly think that's any reason to deny you entry to our trine." I smirked.

"As confusing as you can be Starscream, you are first and foremost my friend. You know I'll stick with you."

Suddenly… my life seemed a whole lot brighter.

It was rather amusing when we finally returned home with one more mech than had left.

Out of tradition and perhaps some alarm knowing my traitorous past, more than one Autobot was waiting fully armed at the entrance to the base as the four of us descended and transformed on cue. My wry smirk was quick to greet the wary eyes of Bluestreak, Ironhide and Red Alert. "What a greeting. My my, still don't trust me?"

"Never, Deceptiscum." Ironhide deadpanned. "Not while there's a spark left in my chassis."

I just snorted. "What a surprise."

"So who's your friend?" Red Alert asked slowly, optics roaming upwards to take in the mech who was easily twice our size. "Another Decepticon defector?"

At that, I let a small chuckle escape my vocalizor, and turned to grin up at Skyfire. "They don't seem to think much of you."

The white mech blinked down with some confusion, lightly brushing some dust off his shoulder as if it might distract him long enough to avoid answering. "Do they always treat you with such disrespect, Star? It's rather rude."

That got their attention.

Both Skywarp and Thundercracker burst out laughing behind us as I crossed my arms and smirked widely over at the puzzled Red Alert and Bluestreak, who exchanged wary gazes. Ironhide didn't budge. "Allow me…" I said spreading my arms wide to encompass my companion with a gesture. "…to introduce you to someone you met through proxy a while back… This is Skyfire."

Three pairs of optics blinked. "The REAL one?"

"Yes."

"Damn. He's big."

The peanut gallery laughed harder.