My Madness, My Saving Sanity

Chapter Fifteen: Loss

By: Nightelfcrawler

Author's note: While this is G1 based, I've made Starscream a blend of his G1 and Armada personalities just because I find the dichotomy of it fascinating. It takes place in no particular timeline, following no particular events. Also, please review politely. If you haven't something nice to say, keep it to yourself please.

Thundercracker was the first to regain consciousness.

The first thing he felt was a sudden empty pain in his very being, through his spark like a hole, a missing link. At first he didn't know what it meant, and his optics on-lined with a flicker, a groan escaping his vocalizer as he blinked blearily at the ceiling trying to figure out what had happened.

"Thundercracker?" Ratchet's face came into his field of vision, staring down at him with sharp but worried optics. "How are you?"

"…I feel weird." He muttered distantly, optics unfocused as he tried to pinpoint just WHY he felt like slag. "What happened…?"

There was a long and distinctly uncomfortable pause as Ratchet stared down at him, optics softening. "You don't remember?"

Thundercracker knew something was wrong then. The way the medic asked that question sent chills through his spark. Warp? He sent, but received no reply. He checked his com status, and saw no signal for either of his wing mates. They were both off-line still then…

Off-line…?

Oh FRAG!

The memory hit him as if he'd flown into a solid rock wall at mach 3.

Starscream...

Megatron had… had…

A howl of rage and agony ripped from his throat like a maddened roar, and he paid no heed to Ratchet's attempts to quiet him as he sat up violently, grasping at his chest as he felt a lancing fire grip him by the spark. It felt like he was on fire, his energon boiling! His CPU started to overload as the information began to bombard his systems, his spark pulsing wildly until Ratchet slammed something into his fuel lines, which immediately took effect and calmed the enraged Seeker. Thundercracker slumped back onto the table, his cry of rage dying into a small whimper in his throat, his optics off-lining as he tried to process the overwhelming grief threatening to put him back into stasis.

Starscream… was dead.

How long he turned over this information, processed it and rejected the idea, he had no clue. But the sedative worked it's magic and when it finally wore off and he came back into a more aware state of mind, Ratchet was gone and Skyfire was sitting there at his bedside, staring blankly at the wall, unaware he'd come back on-line. "…'fire…" Thundercracker whispered.

The mech turned his head like a whip, standing to come to the seeker's bedside. "You're awake…" He said quietly. "…calmer now I see." He sounded calm himself, but his electric blue optics betrayed the truth. He was barely holding his emotions in check.

He didn't want to say it, ask it… but it was the only thing on his mind. The emptiness in his spark wouldn't go away, the vacant feeling something was MISSING kept nagging at him. "…he's gone…" He whispered dully, staring at Skyfire without any of his guard up, unhidden anguish and pain reflecting in his crimson optics.

"Yes…" Was the quiet answer.

"I need to see him."

"No, TC… you're in no condition…"

"I want to see him NOW." It was not a request.

Skyfire studied the blue seeker, then nodded once and offered an arm. Thundercracker took it, pulling himself up to a standing position. He wasn't injured hardly at all, however he felt weak in the knees, as if he'd been under-fueling. He said nothing as the larger flier helped him up and into the adjacent room. Ratchet glanced up from a table, staring intently at the two of them as they came in, but said nothing. Skyfire led Thundercracker to a table in the middle of the room.

The wing-sword looked innocuous laying on the table. It had been polished, dents removed, and was given a place of respect by the medic, as way of remembering the sacrifice that had been made, even if he had chosen up to the end not to wear their colors in the end. Thundercracker stopped at the table, and stared down at the last memory of his wing leader with a strange expression in his crimson optics. It was as if he couldn't believe it were true, that he wouldn't hear his commander's annoyed voice snapping at him again, nor see his jets spinning into the air laughing at them for not being able to keep up. He tentatively reached out, but then thought better of it, and lay his hand flat on the table instead, shuttering his optics.

"…I'm sorry TC." Skyfire said gently, his strong re-assuring presence a calming center point. "Would you like time alone?"

"No…" Thundercracker said quietly, opening his optics again to stare at Starscream's weapon. "…I don't think I could handle that, with 'Warp still offline."

"He'll be fine… as much as you are anyway."

"Yeah…"

They were silent for a long time, still absorbing the fact their friend was gone for good this time. "….of all the times that he managed to escape him… every time he got away, he escaped… We helped him the last time, or else he might have gone off-line then… but to think Megatron still won in the end…"

"Megatron is one difficult mech to disperse, for anyone." Skyfire said quietly. "No matter how much determination you show against him, the fact still remains he is smart, powerful, and dangerous. Starscream knew that, and still recklessly attacked."

"It wasn't reckless. He thought he could do it." Thundercracker said firmly with conviction. "He felt strong, powerful… he thought he could do it, take him down. And he almost did. If it weren't for that fragging EMP thing that the Autoscum CONVENIENTLY forgot to remove…!"

"Can you blame them for being cautious?" Skyfire asked gently. "Even I have difficulty picking out the friend I knew from the Starscream you two know now… I cannot say I blame Optimus for his decision… though I don't think any of them thought it would be used against him in such a way. I know they feel horrible about it, responsible…" His optics lowered as Thundercracker refused to reply. "But nonetheless… almost isn't good enough when it comes to murder." Skyfire said softly. "I know it may sound horrible, but I'm almost glad he didn't succeed… I would hate to see a death on his hands."

"He's killed hundreds, thousands before." Thundercracker said tersely. "Megatron would have been no loss for anyone."

"True, but… I'd like to think his hands were washed cleaned when he left the Decepticons… you all are the same… I would hope you wouldn't resort to having to extinguish sparks again…that maybe you had accepted our philosophies… that you had changed. I'm somewhat glad that Megatron's death wasn't on his conscience…."

"You'd rather he'd have died with a clean soul than lived with another death?" Thundercracker shot him a sharp look. "This is war. Both sides have killed, neither are blameless."

"I know… it's a fleeting fantasy I suppose… I never was very good with practicality."

"Yeah…" Thundercracker sighed, and smiled faintly. "That's one thing you two shared… You were both alike, yet so different. Starscream had this lust for power, control, getting things done… and doing it himself. He always tried to think things out thoroughly, come up with plans that might work… You're always thinking through every option but never putting anything into play, preferring to play with scenarios rather than take action... but you both loved to think."

Skyfire shot him a keen glance. "I didn't realize Starscream shared so much about his friendship with me to you both."

"Eh… he shared enough." Thundercracker said quietly. "Though after a while I guess he felt it wasn't productive, and tried to forget everything…"

"That sounds like him. Always pushing aside his problems rather than facing them head on."

"Megatron always called him a coward for thinking like that…" Thundercracker frowned. "But he wasn't really a coward… he just thought smart. He knew sometimes the best strategy was to retreat or stop to try something else, especially when it was obvious what he was doing wouldn't work."

Skyfire nodded in agreement. "The Starscream I knew never liked to take chances… It's so strange seeing him in battle now, unrelenting without hesitation… yet I still see something of the old mech I knew survived."

"Yeah… deep down I think he was a different person entirely… he just couldn't let that part show because we were Decepticons… weakness, individual thoughts and rebellious attitude were not permitted…"

"So why did you three join up with them in the first place?" Skyfire asked softly. "I always wanted to ask… I just… wasn't sure it was appropriate yet."

Thundercracker sighed again, his vents whirling in frustration. "We each have our stories. I'll let you ask Warp about his… though I don't think it's a very long story, given his greed for fighting…"

"True."

"For me… it really was the only option I had at the time. It was either join them or go down with the rest of Vos. I didn't relish becoming scrap metal, so I joined up."

"But you didn't enjoy it."

"Don't get me wrong, the cause was justified at first." Thundercracker frowned slightly. "If felt like we were doing the right thing, revenge for the destruction of our home, stopping those responsible… I didn't realize the truth of what had happened until much later, and by then it was far too late to second guess my decision to join." He shook his head. "Once a Decepticon, you're in it for life… they don't tolerate defectors. They usually end up dead." He stared down at the table thoughtfully. "But for Screamer… we knew he was different the moment we lay optics on him. He was real quiet at first…kept to himself. A few other 'cons tried to bully him, he'd stare them down as if he didn't even see them standing there. Got himself fragged up a few times because of that. But they soon learned to respect him once he started fighting. I remember the first time we saw him, we thought he wouldn't last. Even though he was a Seeker like us, he just didn't seem anything special. He hadn't brawled with anyone, he hadn't done anything to stand out. But the moment he took to the battle test, we knew that he was going to go far… he was fast, very fast…. And agile like you wouldn't believe. He didn't even get hit once, and took down all his opponents in record time. When he was done, he just walked off, as if he'd done nothing special, and ignored everyone trying to compliment him…" He smiled slightly. "I don't know what was going through his mind, maybe he thought it was due to him, or maybe he just didn't care… either way, Megatron noticed his dedication and his determination to do better than everyone. He rose to Air Commander really quickly after that…"

"I see." Skyfire said quietly. "I wonder if he was feeling guilty for what happened to me…"

"I think so." Thundercracker said slowly. "We tried to ask him his reasons for joining, but he never talked at first. It was only after we'd been working together for a while and started kind of being friendly with each other that he even opened up, and we learned about you… though he never told us he was a scientist before the war, he did say that he lost a close friend and that's why he'd joined up…"

"Because of me?" Skyfire seemed shocked. "Why would he join the Decepticons because of me?"

"He thought you died because of him." Thundercracker said quietly, glancing up at the large white mech. "He felt guilty… as if he'd killed you himself… I suppose he figured that there was nothing left for him in the science field with the war going on… and he probably thought he was as good as a murderer, so why not join up with others like him."

"That's…horribly twisted."

"Well, he never really was known for thinking rationally." Thundercracker winced. "His ideas might have been smart, but they were usually very unorthodox and involved great risk, which is why they often failed… the others never wanted to risk their lives and thus the plans fell through. Otherwise, he might have overthrown Megatron a millennia ago."

"It seems strange hearing you talk about this person I never knew…"

"Your death affected him heavily… more than perhaps even he knew."

"His death will affect us just the same."

Thundercracker fell silent, staring at his wing leader's weapon, as if thinking taking his optics off it might make it vanish like smoke, vanish like the rest of him. It was still unreal to know that Starscream was gone. He felt an emptiness, but his spark still refused to accept it. It was difficult ignoring the contradictions his processor reminded him versus what he felt. They had been together for a millennia, more than that, they had become friends in some strange twisted way.

…TC….?

Thundercracker's head snapped up. With his thoughts distracting him, he'd hardly noticed that Skywarp had come back online. Warp? How you doing?

Groggy… What happened?

Thundercracker winced, not wanting to say it aloud, still not wanting to admit it. Screamer's gone, Warp.

There was a long empty pause in which he knew his partner was absorbing that information with the same amount of shock he himself had. After several heart wrenching moments, the pleading response came. No… He's SCREAMER he can't …be…

It's over, Warp. He's gone. We can't change that.

Frag you! Came the angry reply, choked with emotion. Thundercracker off lined his optics and pulled out of the conversation, not wanting to make things worse. They weren't used to sharing emotions, sharing grief. They were Decepticons, used to privacy to deal with their issues. Warp needed that as much as he did himself.

"You ok?" Skyfire asked gently at his side, a supportive hand on his shoulder.

"I need to be alone now." He muttered.

"Ratchet mentioned that Optimus wants to…"

"I don't give a flyin' frag!" Thundercracker snapped, his crimson optics blazing in fury, directed at the mech. "You don't know the Screamer we knew! You knew someone else. So go remember him your way, let us remember him our way!"

Skyfire's jaw tightened, but his blue optics remained soft. He understood the Seeker's need, and with a single nod, he turned and exited the med-bay without another word, leaving Thundercracker to his thoughts.

But what thoughts could possibly occupy your mind after losing a team-mate, a leader, a friend?