Simpsons vs. Harry Potter Survivor
Episode 1
Brian Griffin: Hi, I'm Brian Griffin. You know me as the dog from Family Guy, but today I'm here on the banks of the Nile River in Egypt to host a very special edition of Survivor. 16 survivors, eight from The Simpsons and eight from Hogwarts, will vie for the grand prize of one million dollars. They must endure 39 days here in Egypt, and at the end of that time, there will only be one sole survivor. (Brian notices a plane in the distance.) Well, it looks like the 16 castaways are about to arrive, so let's go meet them now.
(The Plane lands in the desert as Brian walks toward it. 16 people emerge from the plane, already divided into their two tribes of eight people each.)
Brian: Welcome to Egypt, everybody! The rules were explained to you on the plane ride here, but I do want to mention one last-minute addition. Out of fairness, it has been decided that the members of the Hogwarts Tribe will not be allowed to use magic for the duration of the contest.
(The Simpsons Tribe members are relieved by the news while the Hogwarts Tribe expresses emotions ranging from anger to disappointment.)
Draco Malfoy: This is an outrage! Wait until my father hears about this!
Ronald Weasley: NO MAGIC! Why don't you just make us tie our hands behind our backs while you're at it?
Brian: Well, maybe you should have read the fine print on the contract you signed before coming here, ya dumbasses!
(Hogwarts Tribe members glare angrily at Brian.)
Brian: Well, don't look at me, I didn't make the rules. Anyway, your wands will be confiscated shortly, but before that, could one of you conjure me up a dry martini?
(A girl with bushy brown hair casts a spell to create a martini and hands the concoction to Brian.)
Brian: Thank you very much, umm….
Hermione Granger: My name's Hermione Granger.
Brian: Hermione…huh, that's a really pretty name.
Ron: Hey, paws off you git!
Brian: Yeah whatever, just give me your wands. I'm already late for my 2pm massage.
(Hogwarts Tribe gives their wands to Brian, who locks them in a safe.)
Brian: Now then, you all are probably wondering where your tribe's supplies are. They are buried six feet underground somewhere in this general vicinity, which brings us to our first reward challenge. As a team, you must dig up your supplies and find your campsite. The first team to get their supplies, find their campsite and then raise their team flag will win a fire-starting kit. You will find your flag in one of your crates of supplies. Any questions?
Harry Potter: Yeah, I was just wondering when…
Brian: You'll get your wands back when you're voted off of the show. Any more questions?
Homer Simpson: Will there be donuts?
(Everyone stares at Homer as if he has bugs crawling out his ears.)
Brian: Ugh, for the 100th time…NO! Okay, you know what, no more questions, alright? Survivors, get into your positions.
(All 16 castaways await Brian's signal to start.)
Brian: Survivors Ready, GO!
[Using the maps given to them, the two teams set off to find their supplies. The Hogwarts Tribe finds and digs up their supplies first, thanks in no small part to Ralph Wiggum eating sand instead of helping his teammates. Lisa Simpson tries to rally the Simpsons Tribe, but instead Nelson starts beating up Milhouse. Vastly disorganized, the Simpsons Tribe eventually digs up their supplies and finds their camp, but not before the Hogwarts Tribe arrives at camp and raises their flag to claim victory.]
(Hogwarts Tribe celebrates while Simpsons Tribe glares at Ralph.)
Brian: Congratulations Hogwarts Tribe! As promised here is a crate full of fire-starting materials for claiming the first reward challenge.
(Harry and Ron open the crate to find matches and plenty of kindling and firewood.)
Brian: Well, I will now leave you all to get accustomed to your surroundings for a couple of days before our first immunity challenge. See you then!
(The tribes return to their separate camps while Brian lights up a cigarette.)
Brian (muttering): Geez, how does Probst do it?
Simpsons Tribe, Day 1
Ned Flanders: Dear lord, we thank you for bringing us together for …..
Homer (interrupting): Shut up Flanders, I'm not in the mood!
Lisa: Guys, Focus! First things first, where are we putting the shelter?
Bart Simpson: Let's put it by the river.
Lisa: Actually, it should probably be in the shade of that nearby oasis.
Bart: Well, I want it by the river!
Lisa: Trees!
Bart: RIVER!
Lisa: TREES!
Bart: RIVER!
Lisa: RIVER!
Bart: TREES! Hey wait a min..
Lisa: Okay, we'll put the shelter by the trees.
Bart: Hey, you tricked me! (Bart gives Lisa a wet willie.)
Lisa: Ewww…Dad, Bart's being annoying.
Homer: So thirsty….Moe, give me a beer.
Moe Syzlak: (sighs) Homer, this is the last time I'm saying this….I DON'T HAVE ANY DUFF!
Homer: DOH!
Lisa: This is gonna be a looooooooooooonnnnnggggg 39 days! Ralph isn't doing anything, Nelson is still beating up Milhouse, Flanders is being preachy, and Homer, Bart, and Moe are idiots! If we don't get our act together, the Hogwarts Tribe is going to crush us!
Bart: Lisa is being even more bossy and annoying than usual, and that's saying something! I'm going to talk to Nelson and Ralph about forming an alliance to vote her off!
Ralph: I like frogs!
Hogwarts Tribe, Day 1:
(Hermione and Ron get the fire together while Harry, Neville, and Draco work on the shelter.)
Ron: I still can't believe we can't use magic. How are we supposed to make fire without it?
Hermione: Honestly Ron, didn't you read the instructions in the fire-starting kit? Just let me do it! (Hermione builds the fire and lights it with a match.)
Ron: Wow...Thanks Hermione, you're brilliant!
(Hermione is flattered but at the same time annoyed by Ron's ignorance.)
Harry: Hey Malfoy, you mind getting your goons to help out here!
Malfoy: Can it Potter, they obey me and me ONLY!
(Harry stops working on the shelter and walks toward Malfoy.)
Malfoy: What, you gonna fight me? Go ahead, I'll be sure to vote you off first!
Harry: Look Malfoy, I don't like you and you don't like me, but if either of us wants to win this, we have to work together to beat the Simpsons Tribe! Besides, you wouldn't want any of those Muggles to win now, would you?
Malfoy: (nodding his head in agreement) Fair enough Potter, I'll agree to this momentary cease fire! (Shouts to Crabbe and Goyle) Hey fatasses, go get some more wood and palm leaves for the shelter!
Harry: I knew going in that we would be out of our element in the wilderness, but without magic, this has become twice as difficult. If we want to stand a chance, we have to band together as a team. Well, at least until the merger.
Hermione: I actually think that not using magic puts me at a bit of an advantage over the other tribe members! I went camping with my family a few times when I was young, so I have knowledge and experience with Muggle camping that the others don't have!
Malfoy: Potter thinks that I've put our differences aside, but I'm secretly forming an alliance to vote him and his friends off one by one! Unfortunately, that Mudblood Granger is valuable to the team, so I'll probably keep her around for a while. Weasley hasn't done anything though, so I'll target him first!
Simpsons Tribe: Day 2
(Bart and Nelson are walking along the river bank looking for food.)
Bart: Whoa, check it out a scorpion!
(Bart and Nelson approach the scorpion with spears at the ready. Bart lunges at the scorpion and manages to kill it.)
Nelson: (laughing at scorpion) Haw-Haw!
Bart: It'll be nice to finally have something besides rice for a change. Anyway, about our little alliance…
Nelson: You can count me in.
(Bart and Nelson return to camp to see Lisa, Ned and Moe working on the shelter.)
Ned: Hiddly-ho there boys! Any luck with the hunt?
Bart: One scorpion, other than that nothing.
Lisa: That's it? You were out there for two hours and all you got was a measly scorpion? (sighs) Oh well, at least the shelter is nearly done.
Moe: Uhhhh yeah, about that….
(Lisa turns around to see Ralph lighting the shelter on fire. They manage to put the fire out, but the shelter is completely unrepairable.)
Lisa: (enraged) Ralph, what on earth were you thinking?
Ralph: The leprechaun told me to do it.
(All glare at Ralph)
Milhouse: It's okay Lisa, I'll help you rebuild it.
Lisa: (uncomfortable) Uhhh….actually Milhouse, why don't you go find Homer…..haven't seen him all day.
Milhouse: As you wish, my cupcake.
(Lisa groans and rolls her eyes at Milhouse's attempts to flirt.)
Lisa: If it were up to me, I'd vote off the entire tribe, except for me, Bart, and Flanders right now!
Homer: NO TV AND NO BEER MAKE HOMER SOMETHING SOMETHING!
Hogwarts Tribe, Day 2
(Harry is returning to camp after fishing on the banks of the Nile.)
Hermione: Any luck?
Harry: Just a couple of small fish. Other than that, nothing.
Hermione: Well, it's something at least.
(As Hermione and Harry walk back to the beach, Harry stares at Hermione in her bikini and gets a rather awkward erection.)
Harry: Uhhh….would you excuse me Hermione? I think I left something on the beach.
Hermione: Yeah, go ahead Harry.
(Harry walks back to shore, trying to hide his boner as best he can.)
Harry: You know, after that rather embarrassing hard-on, I've been thinking. I've decided that at some point during my time here, I'm going to tell Hermione how I really feel about her. At first, we were just friends, but ever since I saw her at the Yule Ball during our fourth year, I've wanted to be more than friends with her. I don't know exactly when and how I'm going to tell her, but I do know that I'm going to have to get Ron out of here and do everything I can to keep Hermione in the game.
(Harry walks back to camp after "retrieving the item from shore." Neville and Luna walk toward him with alarmed looks on their faces.)
Neville: Harry, half of our rations of rice is missing!
Harry: What happened to it? Did someone eat it?
Luna: I suspect it was the Nargles that took it.
Harry: (exasperated) Luna, I appreciate you trying to help, but I'm pretty darn sure it wasn't Nargles.
(Suddenly, Crabbe and Goyle emerge from the nearby oasis of palm trees carrying an empty rice container.)
Neville: (sighs) Well, that solves that mystery.
Malfoy: Crabbe, Goyle, you blithering idiots! That was half of our rice supply!
Goyle: Well, we weren't the only ones!
(Ron walks out of the oasis of palm trees.)
Ron: Hey guys, what's going on?
(All glare at Ron accusingly.)
Harry: Ron, would you happen to know anything about this? (Points to empty rice container.)
Ron: (with panicked look on face) Uhhh….okay, so maybe I had a couple of helpings of rice myself.
(Hermione marches toward Ron and starts punching him all over.)
Hermione: YOU…COMPLETE….ARSE RON WEASLEY!
(Harry and Neville manage to pull Ron and Hermione apart after a few moments.)
Luna: Look on the bright side, at least we got the two fish that Harry caught.
(Everyone nods in agreement, except Hermione, who is giving Ron a death stare.)
Ron: I don't know what the bloody hell they're all on about! Crabbe, Goyle, and I were bloody starving to death, so we did what any rational human would do, grabbed some food and ate it.
Malfoy: If we lose the immunity challenge tomorrow, Weasley is soooooooo out of here!
Day 3: Immunity Challenge
Brian: (reading a newspaper)
Camera Guy: Brian, you're on!
Brian: (puts the newspaper away) Oh, sorry! Well, it looks like both of our tribes have had their fair share of troubles during the first couple of days here in Egypt. This makes today's immunity challenge even more crucial, as both tribes are keen on removing undesirable members from their tribes tonight at tribal council.
(Simpsons Tribe and Hogwarts Tribe arrive.)
Brian: Alright Survivors, today's immunity challenge is quite simple. There are two boats in the middle of the Nile, one for each team. All eight teams will swim out to the boats while one team member swims down to untie the boat. Then, all eight team members must get in the boat and work together to paddle to shore. The first team to reach shore and carry their boat across the finish line will win immunity and be free from tribal council tonight. Any questions?
(silence)
Brian: All right, then without further ado, Survivors Ready…GO!
[Both tribes dive into the river and start swimming at a brisk pace. Crabbe and Goyle lag behind for the Hogwarts Tribe while Homer and Milhouse fall behind quickly for the Simpsons Tribe. Neville unties the boat first for Hogwarts, but by the time all eight of their members are at the boat, the Simpsons Tribe has united theirs as well. Hogwarts has a slight lead as both teams paddle toward shore. The Simpsons Tribe tries hard to catch them, but Ralph doesn't paddle at all and Milhouse falls out of the boat, ultimately costing the Simpsons Tribe as Hogwarts crosses the finish line.]
(Hogwarts Tribe celebrates and high-fives each other.)
Brian: Congratulations Hogwarts Tribe! For winning, here is the immunity idol, which means that all eight of you are in the game for another three days!
(Malfoy grabs the idol and holds it above his head before passing it along to the other tribe members. Harry and Hermione share a quick hug during the celebration.)
Brian: I'm sorry Simpsons Tribe, but you're going to tribal council tonight.
Simpsons Tribe
Bart: I can't believe we lost to those frickin wizards AGAIN!
Lisa: You want to know why we lost to those wizards, Bart?
Bart: Why?
Lisa: It's because some of us aren't helping out. (Stares angrily at Ralph and Homer)
Bart: Well, maybe if we got along better as a team and didn't have one person trying to control it all, then maybe we might fare better.
Lisa: You wouldn't vote me off. This tribe would fall apart without me.
Bart: We'll just see about that now, won't we?
Tribal Council
(One by one, The Simpsons walks into a small hut in the middle of a desert area for tribal council. Brian awaits them.)
Brian: Welcome to Tribal Council, Simpsons Tribe, a place that you certainly don't want to be. It has certainly been a rough start to your time here in Egypt. Lisa, what do you think is the main reason for that?
Lisa: I think the main problem is that a few of us aren't pulling their own weight and helping out with challenges and with chores around the campsite. However, once we get rid of some of the slackers, I get the feeling that our tribe will be much stronger.
Brian: Homer, you haven't contributed much to your tribe so far. Do you think that puts you at risk of getting voted off tonight?
Homer (in fetal position): Save me Duffman….Bring me your delicious suds!
Brian: Geez, three days here and he's already out of his mind. Ralph, same question.
Ralph: Everybody who see the leprechaun say yeah!
Random Black Guy: Yeah!
Brian: What the fu….Okay, you know what, it's time to vote! Lisa, lead us off.
[Lisa walks up to the voting table, writes down her vote: RALPH]
Lisa: Do I even need to explain this? You saw what happened!
[Shot of Ralph voting, then Nelson voting.]
[Bart writes his vote and reveals it: LISA]
Bart: I know she's trying to be a leader and all, but she's tearing the tribe apart more than bringing it together. Sorry Lis, just playing the game.
[Shot of Nelson voting, then Moe voting, Milhouse voting, and finally Homer, who votes for FLANDERS]
Homer: Stupid Flanders! (Homer folds up the vote and shoves it in the bucket. He then returns to his seat.)
Brian (opening the voting bucket): Alright, you've seen the show, so you probably know that once I read the votes, the decision is final and the person who is voted off has to leave immediately. I will now read the votes.
Brian: First vote…is for Ralph. Second vote….Lisa. Third vote….Flanders….Fourth vote….Ralph…..Fifth vote….Ralph…Sixth Vote…Bart….Seventh vote…is for Ralph, which means the last vote isn't necessary. Ralph, I'm sorry, but the tribe has spoken.
Ralph: Okay. (Ralph leaves the hut)
Brian: Huh…he took that well, didn't he? Anyways, the rest of you may head back to camp now.
(Simpsons Tribe grabs their torches and heads back to camp.)
END OF EPISODE ONE
Tribal Council #1 Voting
Candidate (Votes)
Ralph (4)
Flanders
Moe
Lisa
Milhouse
Lisa (2)
Bart
Nelson
Bart (1)
Ralph
Flanders (1)
Homer