Simpsons vs. Harry Potter Survivor
Episode 8
Brian: It's day 22, and the nine remaining castaways here in Egypt are all hoping they aren't the last castaway voted off before the merger goes down.
In the last episode, Harry and Hermione were looking for a way to find out who conjured the snake that injured Luna so they could swing the momentum in their favor. Hermione got the brilliant idea to let Ollivander, famous wizard wandmaker, identify the wand and ascertain who cast the last spell. Unfortunately, they would not be able to meet with Ollivander until after the upcoming tribal council.
Meanwhile, at the Simpsons camp, Lisa continued her plot to dissolve Bart's alliance. With Moe already on her side, Lisa got to work on Nelson, but it wasn't easy swaying the Springfield Elementary bully's opinion. At the reward challenge, there were three jousting matches between members of each tribe to determine who won three separate prizes. The Hogwarts Tribe won two out of three matches, winning a golf cart and a crateful of toilet paper. The Simpsons Tribe won a match as well, claiming a set of golf clubs and golf balls that Homer thoroughly enjoyed. However, he would not enjoy those clubs for very long, as the Simpsons Tribe was out-fished by the Hogwarts Tribe in the immunity challenge. At tribal council, an indecisive Nelson decided at the last minute to side with Lisa, and Homer was sent packing by a 3-2 vote.
Will Harry and Hermione's meeting with Ollivander go as well as they hope? Will Lisa maintain the status quo with the Simpsons Tribe? Who will be the last castaway sent home before the merger? Let's find out…
Simpsons Tribe, Day 22
Bart: Last night's tribal council confirmed my suspicions of the past few days. Lisa has persuaded Moe and Nelson to abandon my alliance. My sister is very smart, so I'm not surprised by this at all. She could be a useful ally to have when the two tribes merge. Maybe I should talk to her, try to turn our current cease fire into an alliance. However, I don't think she's gonna forgive me very easily.
(Bart is shooting golf balls out on the beach. Looking back at the shelter, he sees Lisa emerging from the forest of palm trees with edible plants she gathered for the tribe's food supply. Bart takes a break from his fun to approach his sister.)
Bart: Yo Lis, need help caring those plants?
Lisa: (looks at him suspiciously) When did you suddenly become so willing to assist me?
Bart: What? A brother can't lend his sister a helping hand without being suspected of something?
Lisa: (drops the plants and then turns around smiling) Oh, I get it….you've figured out that I talked Moe and Nelson into abandoning your alliance, didn't you?
Bart: Well duh… I'm no genius, but I was able to figure that out from last night's vote.
Lisa: (smiling even wider) Yeah, who has the status quo now? I guess your plan to vote me off has backfired.
Bart: I don't believe it. I come here extending trying to make peace and you rub the successful destruction of my alliance right in my face. Well you know what? Have your fun Lis, but just remember that it's not long before we merge with the Hogwarts Tribe and our little cease fire expires. I'm sure there are some people on the Hogwarts Tribe that would love to ally with me.
Lisa: That's assuming you even make it to the merger.
Bart: Oh I'll make it all right! (Bart walks away and resumes his golf game.)
Lisa: A small part of me wanted to accept Bart's offer, but I'm still mad at him about getting rid of Milhouse and constantly trying to vote me off. Not to mention he could be a very dangerous player if he makes it to the merger, so it's probably for the best to get rid of him as soon as possible.
(When Bart reaches the golf clubs, he sees Nelson taking a few swings.)
Bart: (grabs a club and sets up a swing) Hey Nelson, what's up?
Nelson: Nothing Bart, just blowing off some steam.
Bart: (gives Nelson a quizzical look) What do you need to blow off steam for?
Nelson: Oh, I think you know Bart.
Bart: (sighs) Yeah…yeah I do. Nelson, how could you man?
Nelson: (shoots a golf ball into woods then turns around to respond) Bart, it wasn't an easy decision for me. I mean, I was so conflicted. You've been my best friend on this island since day one, and…
Bart: (somewhat angry tone to his voice) So why'd you do it?
Nelson: I decided at the last minute to vote for Homer because….(pauses) because Lisa blackmailed me.
Bart: (shocked) She did WHAT?
Nelson: She blackmailed me Bart. She has some (grimaces) embarrassing pictures from when we were boyfriend and girlfriend, and she said if I don't leave your alliance that she was going to reveal them to everyone at Springifield Elementary. (looks at Bart with a pleading expression on his face) Do you know what that would do to me? My status as a bully would be gone man!
(Bart stands there is shock for a few moments before responding)
Bart: Wow…wow! I didn't know Lisa was capable of something like that. (pats Nelson on the back) Don't worry bud…I'll take care of it.
Bart: That little piece of information is exactly what I needed to save my ass.
Hogwarts Tribe, Day 22
(Harry and Hermione wake up early in anticipation of their meeting with Ollivander. They see a small white boat rowing towards the shore. When the boat reaches the shore of the Nile, they immediately recognize the old man accompanying Brian as the legendary wandmaker himself.)
Brian: (stepping out of the boat with Ollivander) Alright, here's your guy. Now, if I'm not needed, I'm going to go into the oasis and take a dump. Thanks for the dry martini, Ollivander. (walks away)
Ollivander: Hmph, interesting character that dog. (turns to Harry and Hermione smiling) Mr. Potter, Miss Granger, good to see you both. Why, it just seems like yesterday that you two stepped into….
Harry: (interrupting) Ummm Mr. Ollivander, I don't mean to interrupt your nostalgic moment, but we really need your help and need it quickly.
Ollivander: (snaps out of his flashback) Ahhh yes, of course. Did you bring the wand that you referred to?
(Hermione takes the wand out of her pocket and hands it to Ollivander. Ollivander examines it thoroughly for a few moments, talking while he does his work.)
Ollivander: Let's see here….10" long…hawthorn wood….unicorn hair…reasonably springy….this is the wand of Draco Malfoy, but how did it come into your possession?
Hermione: We found it by the spring in the oasis where Luna was hurt.
Harry: (looks confused) Hold on a minute. If this is Malfoy's wand, then what was the wand he gave to Brian when we had our wands confiscated on day one?
Hermione: It must have been a decoy, a wand that belonged to one of his friends, probably Zabini or Pansy Parkinson.
Harry: (nods in agreement before turning his attention to Ollivander) So, what was the last spell cast by the wand? Do you know?
Ollivander: Only one way to find out...(pulls out his own wand and points it at Draco's) Priori Incantato! (a ghost like cloud appears over Draco's wand, revealing all information about the last spell cast. Ollivander looks puzzled) This is odd. It appears the last spell cast was Serpensortia, a snake summoning charm, but what's really curious is that this spell was cast by….Neville Longbottom!
(Harry and Hermione look stunned, mouths agape.)
Hermione: Oh my gosh! (pauses for a moment) Ron was right all along!
Ollivander: Wait a minute (another cloud appears over Draco's wand) It appears that there was one other spell cast shortly before this one, an….
?: HEY, WHAT DO YOU TWO THINK YOU'RE DOING?
(The three wizards turn around to see Neville Longbottom standing before them.)
Neville: You'll ruin the master's plan!
Hermione: (enraged, stomping towards Neville) NOT IF I RUIN YOU FIRST!
Harry: Hermione, no!
(Harry tries to get between Neville and Hermione. Just as a fight is about to break out, Ollivander points his wand at Neville.)
Ollivander: Imperio Reverso! (a shot of white light hits Neville and knocks him to the ground. Harry and Hermione, frozen in place, look over at Ollivander.) Oh, sorry for the startle. As I was saying, there was one spell cast just prior to Neville conjuring the snake: An Imperius Curse, cast on Mr. Longbottom by this wand's owner, Draco Malfoy.
Harry: Well, that would certainly explain Neville's recent behavior. (Neville starts to come to) Speaking of Neville (Harry and Hermione run over to Neville's side.)
Neville: (still dazed by the spell, looks around) Harry….Hermione….where am I? What happened? What's going on?
Harry: It's okay Neville. Draco put you under the Imperius curse, but you're fine now.
Neville: (expression of confusion turns to anger) That rotten little ferret! (stands up with help of Harry and Hermione and sees Mr. Ollivander) Mr. Ollivander, what are you doing here?
Ollivander: It's a long story really. (Harry, Hermione and Ollivander take turns telling Neville about how he was Imperiused by Draco and what had happened to Luna and how they found out about Draco's plot.)
Neville: (distraught) Oh bloody Merlin, how could I hurt a sweet girl like Luna? (sobs uncontrollably for a moment before regaining his composure) I'm glad she's alright, and thank you three for saving me.
Hermione: (hugs Neville) It's okay Neville, we forgive you, and we'll give that twitchy ferret what he deserves.
(Harry, Hermione and Neville see off and they return to camp to relax.)
Day 23: Reward Challenge
Brian: (walks out of oasis to see Simpsons and Hogwarts Tribes awaiting the challenge) Geez, that was the longest bathroom break ever. So what'd I miss?
(Castaways groan at the ineptitude of their host.)
Bart: Seriously Brian? You're the host, you should know these things, even if you were taking a 24 hour dump.
Brian: What? Who do you think I am, Jeff Probst? (lights up a cigar) Anyway, on to today's reward challenge. Each team has a large empty basket about 20 yards down shore as well as piles of fruits and vegetables right in front of you. For this challenge, you need to take the fruits and vegetables and try to throw them into your team's basket. The team that gets the most food into their basket wins all of the food in their basket. Any questions?
Neville: Yeah, how exactly does one go about taking a 24 hour dump?
Brian: (sighs) Okay fine, I actually spent the night in a five-star hotel in Cairo. (castaways glare at him with seething anger) Now, if there are no further questions, then survivors ready…..GO!
[The nine remaining castaways look at each other, all with the same idea in mind. They grab their fruits and vegetables and begin chucking them at Brian, pelting him with tomatoes, apples, and oranges among other foods. Once they had used half of their ammo, the survivors relented and walked away with the remainder of their food, laughing all the way back to their camps.]
Brian: (on the ground, covered from head to toe in fruit guts) Hmph, didn't see that one coming. (shrugs his shoulder) Meh….I probably deserved it. (Brian pulls a lawn chair and suntan lotion out of a bag and works on his tan.)
Simpsons Tribe, Day 23
(Moe and Lisa are at Moe's makeshift bar, debating about whether a tomato is a fruit or a vegetable.)
Lisa: Tomato is a fruit because it has seeds.
Moe: But it tastes like a vegetable..
Lisa: Trust me Moe, it's a fruit.
(Bart approaches the bar and sits down on one of the rocks that Moe is using as a barstool.)
Bart: Whaddup Moe?
Moe: (glares at Bart and speaks with a sarcastic and angry tone) Oh hiya Bart, make any prank calls lately?
Bart: Can I talk with Lisa alone for a moment?
Moe: Hey, either buy a drink or get out of my bar!
(Bart and Lisa walk out of Moe's "bar" and back to the shelter to talk.)
Lisa: Okay, what is it now Bart?
Bart: I gotta hand it to you Lis. You're a really cutthroat and competitive person, sacrificing your morals to try to win.
Lisa: (looks nervous) What on earth are you talking about?
Bart: (smiles, has Lisa right where he wants him) I know everything Lisa! Blackmailing Nelson, telling Moe our secret about the prank calls. I thought you would be eliminated long ago because of your moral compass pointing true north, but you proved me wrong. (stands up) Congratulations Lisa! Regardless of the outcome between the two of us, clearly you are the better survivor. (Bart grabs a fishing pole, walks down to the beach to fish, leaving Lisa alone.)
Lisa: (gasps) Oh my gosh, he's right! How could I sacrifice my morals and ethics for a finite amount of American currency? (Lisa starts to cry)
Hogwarts Tribe, Day 23
(Draco heads to the spot in the oasis where his alliance normally meets only to find no one there.)
Draco: Crabbe! Longbottom! Oi, where are you two? (rolls his eyes) Probably back at camp eating, the blithering idiots!
(Draco emerges from the oasis and walks back towards camp. Suddenly, Crabbe and Neville come out of nowhere and tackle Draco to the sandy ground.)
Neville: (pinning a struggling Draco to the ground) Hey guys! We got him! (Harry and Hermione emerge from hiding.)
Harry: Alright, get him up! (Neville and Crabbe pick Draco up off the ground and stand him up, grasping his arms to prevent escape.)
Draco: (irate) WHAT DO YOU TWO THINK YOURE DOING?
Hermione: (even more angry than Malfoy, if that is possible) They're not on your side anymore! HOW DARE YOU HURT OUR FRIEND LUNA! HOW DARE YOU PUT RON THROUGH SO MUCH EMOTIONAL PAIN, and HOW DARE YOU TRY TO CONTROL NEVILLE WITH THE IMPERIUS CURSE! (calms down a little before continuing) If I had my wand, I would hex you into next week, but, given the circumstances, I guess this will have to suffice!
(Hermione walks up to Malfoy and kicks him right in the crotch. Malfoy falls to the ground, doubling over in pain.)
Harry: (turns to Hermione) Couldn't have put it better myself Hermione.
Draco: (still on the ground, looks at Crabbe) Crabbe….why? After all we've been through?
Crabbe: I don't need you anymore Draco. I'm tired of being your henchman and I'm tired of living in your shadow. I'm my own person now, so deal with it!
(Crabbe, Neville, Harry and Hermione walk away, leaving Malfoy alone on the ground.)
Harry: (whispering to Hermione) You know, when you're angry at Malfoy like that, it really turns me on.
Hermione: (smirking, gives Harry a playful punch to the arm) Oh, shut it.
Day 24: Immunity Challenge
Brian: (reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows): Wait….so Snape was a good guy the whole time?
Cameraman: Uhhh Brian…
Brian: (looks up and puts away book) Well, here we are at the last immunity challenge, and the stakes are extremely high for our last nine castaways. Depending on which tribe prevails, either the new tribe will have four people from each tribe, or the Hogwarts Tribe will have a two person advantage. It looks like our survivors have arrived.
(Hogwarts and Simpsons Tribes arrive at challenge site.)
Lisa: (whispering to Hermione) Look Hermione, if we lose this challenge, I'm probably gonna be voted off, so…
Hermione: (interrupts) Trust me Lisa, you won't have to worry about this challenge one bit.
Brian: (clears throat) In today's immunity challenge, teamwork is very critical. You will need to canoe out together and retrieve a treasure chest at the bottom of the river. Inside each treasure chest is an immunity idol. After canoeing back to shore, you will open a container with a piece of paper inside. On that piece of paper is four clues to help you determine the four-number password to unlock your treasure chest. The first team to get their immunity idol out of the treasure chest and have all tribe members with at least one hand on the idol will win immunity. Any questions? (Survivors shake heads.) Alright then, take your positions.
(As castaways take their places in their canoes, every Hogwarts Tribe member except Draco exchange knowing looks.)
Brian: Survivors ready…GO!
[The two teams start paddling towards the cones that indicate the location of the treasure chests. The Hogwarts Tribe, with their one person advantage is slightly ahead and reaches the cone first. However, they have a little trouble retrieving the treasure, allowing the Simpsons Tribe to take the lead briefly before the Hogwarts Tribe's one man advantage comes into play again on the trip back to shore. The Hogwarts Tribe opens their can and begins figuring out the clues. The Hogwarts Tribe is the first to open their chest and Draco grabs the idol out of it quickly. However, the rest of the tribe members back away from the idol.]
Draco: What the bloody hell are you doing? We can win this and have a two person advantage over the Simpsons tribe. [When Harry, Hermione, Neville and Crabbe turn around and start heading back to camp, Draco realizes what is happening. Resigned to his fate, Draco can only stand and watch as the Simpsons Tribe opens their chest, grab the idol and get their hands on it to secure the win.]
Brian: Congratulations Simpsons Tribe! The four of you have secured a spot in the new tribe to be formed tomorrow. Hogwarts Tribe, I'll see you all at tribal council.
(Draco, head down, walks back to camp. Hermione gives Lisa a thumbs up before leaving herself, to which Lisa replies by mouthing "thank you" to her.)
Tribal Council
(The Hogwarts Tribe members enter the tribal council hut with their torches and take their seats. Brian enters the hut through the side door while texting on a cell phone.)
Brian: (looks up from his cellphone) Well, given the recent events, I think it's a foregone conclusion who's leaving tonight. However, the producers have just texted me saying that we have to go through the formality of voting anyway. I'm late for a friend's bachelor party, so let's skip the questions and get this over with…Hermione, lead us off. (goes back to texting)
[Hermione walks up to the voting booth and writes down her vote: DRACO]
Hermione: The twitchy little ferret is outta here!
[Shot of Harry and Neville voting, then Crabbe voting for DRACO]
Crabbe: The past few days have made me realize that Draco has been holding me back all these years and that I am capable of great things without his help. So long Draco, good luck fending for yourself.
[Shot of Draco voting for HERMIONE.]
Draco: Mudblood…that's all I gotta say.
[Draco takes his seat and then Brian grabs the box of votes.]
Brian: Once the votes are tallied, decision is final, gotta leave. So let's read the votes. First vote….Draco…Second Vote….Malfoy….Third Vote…Hermione…gee, I wonder who that was…next vote…is for Malfoy, so the last vote doesn't matter. Draco, bring me your torch. (Draco grabs his torch while the other tribe members glare at him.) Draco, the tribe has spoken. (extinguishes torch) I'm afraid you'll have to leave now.
Draco: My father will hear about this!
Harry: (sarcastic voice) Ohhhh, I'm soooooooooo scared! (He and the other tribe members laugh as Draco exits.)
Brian: To the four of you, congratulations! You have made it to the final eight. I'll see you all bright and early tomorrow to begin the merger. You may now head back to camp and get some rest.
(Harry, Hermione, Neville and Crabbe grab torches and head back to camp.)
END OF EPISODE EIGHT
Tribal Council Results
Well who didn't see that coming from a mile away?
Candidate (# of votes)
Draco (4)
Hermione
Harry
Crabbe
Neville
Hermione (1)
Draco