Author's note: Kind of a heavy chapter. Thanks so much for all the reviews! Keep 'em coming! And thanks also for those of you who have added this to alerts and favorites.
Happy reading!
Chapter Four
Katniss rolled over in bed. She'd been staring at the ceiling for hours, waiting for Peeta to come join her so she could wrap her arms around him. But he had still not come in. She got up and went in search of him.
She found him in the living room, sitting on the couch, clutching his crutch and staring blankly at the far wall. She walked up behind him and slipped her hands down his chest.
He leaned his head back to look at her. He closed his eyes and accepted her kiss on his forehead.
"Why are you still up?" she asked softly.
"Thinking." He said simply, taking her hand and guiding her around to sit beside him. "How are you feeling?"
"Fine, I guess." She snuggled close to him. "I close my eyes and I see…blood. Everywhere."
"I'm sorry I wasn't here." He ran a thumb absently over a dent in his crutch.
"It's okay. You had things to do." She sighed. "How is the bakery coming along?"
"Almost finished. Just a few more final touches. Decorating. I think I want to paint a mural."
"That would be nice."
"But I don't know what of. I sat in my studio trying to think of something to sketch. Nothing came to me." He rested his head on top of hers. "I'm so lost today."
"I know. Me too. But you'll get inspiration when you're ready."
"I usually get inspiration when I can't do anything about it, oddly enough."
"Yeah."
They were quiet. Peeta combed his fingers through his wife's hair.
Katniss said after a while, "I think you should keep your appointment at the Capitol. You need that new leg. Maybe that will help. You always pain better when you can move around. And you're kind of hindered by the crutch."
"How do you know that? About me moving around when I paint?"
"I've snuck in to watch you a few times."
He chuckled. "Not really sneaking when I leave the door open." He kissed her forehead. "Are you sure about the trip?"
"Yeah. I'll even stay in bed until we go if you want me to."
"I would like that."
"Okay." She sat up. "Come up to bed?"
He nodded and got up to follow her.
The train car was far too extravagant. Every time they travelled, they got an entire car all to themselves, no matter how many times she had requested a simple cabin. Katniss didn't like it. She hated that they were still given special treatment for killing so many people.
Peeta never said anything, but she knew it bothered him too. He always stayed to one room for most of every trip they took. Katniss, on the other hand, wandered from one end of the train to another, hating being trapped inside.
But this trip, she curled up on the couch with Peeta and stayed put. He wrapped his arms around her. It was almost a week since the miscarriage and she was still recovering and trying to process everything. She broke into tears at random times. It was getting easier, but she still struggled.
It was late on the first night when Peeta kissed her temple and asked, "Ready for bed, sweetheart?"
"Just to sleep." She warned tiredly.
"I know." He pushed himself up off the couch and took a moment to balance himself before he held out his free hand to her.
She took it and followed.
"I'll be so glad when I have two legs again." He commented as he struggled to change.
"I will be too." She climbed onto bed. "At least one of us should be in proper working condition."
He smiled and hopped over to her with the help of the dresser. "You're in proper working condition."
She simply shook her head and rolled away.
"Hey, don't shut me out." He wrapped his arms around her. "You want to talk about it?"
"No. I just want to sleep."
"Okay. Goodnight."
"'Night."
But sleep didn't come quickly, like so often these last several nights. She laid awake thinking she was a failure in so many ways. She thought about all the things she couldn't change. And this night, as the train sped toward the Capitol, she thought about her mother.
She rolled over and watched Peeta sleep for a while. She thought about what he'd said about seeing his mother again. All she and her mother seemed to do when they were together was stare at each other. Or fight. Fight about things that were years in the past.
As she watched Peeta, she asked herself, would the reaction be the same as her mother's if she lost her own husband? Would she let her children risk starvation because the man she loved died? Was that man's life worth more than the life they created together?
Once again, the tears came. She rolled away and pressed her face into her pillow as she cried herself to sleep, barely registering Peeta's arms tightening around her.
As always, they were given special accommodation just because of their names. Wherever they went, Katniss heard people whispering to their companions or children, "There goes the Mockingjay." or simply, "Katniss Everdeen."
She gripped Peeta's hand tighter and continued on, smiling kindly at those she passed. But it was forced. Peeta's wasn't. He always showed genuine kindness. It was just the type of person he was. No matter that sometimes the stress of being out in public sometimes triggered his attacks later on.
"I'm sorry for all the attention." He said as they sat down to supper at their favorite Capitol restaurant.
"Why are you apologizing?" she said a touch too harshly.
"Because you never like the attention. And I know that especially right now you would just like to hide away."
"I would, actually."
"So we stay in for the rest of our time here. I can go to my appointments on my own."
"No, I want to be there. If you want me there, that is. And I need to make it a point to see Mother while I'm here. I can't just keep myself hidden. People have already seen me." She covered his hand with hers. "People will think something is wrong if I suddenly disappear. And no doubt someone will probably wrangle us into an interview while we're in town."
They were quiet for a while. Katniss moved her fingers over the back of Peeta's hand. He turned his hand over and curled his fingers around hers.
"I really do love you." He said softly.
She smiled. "And I really do love you."
He kissed the back of her hand.
Someone snapped a picture.
Over the next few days, Peeta had appointments and, later, fittings for his new prosthesis. Katniss was in the room with him when she was allowed. Sometimes Peeta told her to go for a walk because she was twitchy from being in the same place for so long as they waited for something to be adjusted or put together.
When this happened, she roamed the halls of the hospital. She found herself returning again and again to the nursery. She stared through the glass at the babies all tightly bundled. A few proud parents and relatives came to gaze upon their new additions.
Katniss envied them. They were all so full of hope and pride and love. How could something so small bring on all those emotions? But she knew from Gale and Annie's love for their baby girl that it was possible.
She just didn't know if she was capable of feeling that way toward a child.
She headed back toward Peeta's direction. His appointment would be done soon. She ran into her mother.
"I heard you were here." Mrs. Everdeen said in surprise.
"Yeah. I've been meaning to call you."
She shrugged. "I know you must be busy. You always are, especially when you're here." She smiled, "I saw the picture of you and Peeta in the restaurant. I'm glad you have him."
"Me too." She stood awkwardly for a moment and then said, "Do you have time to get a cup of tea?"
"Yes. Let me finish up some things first. It's the end of my shift."
She nodded and watched her mother scurry away. Then she turned to the nurse's station and arranged to have a message sent to Peeta to return to their hotel and she'd meet him there later. She sat in a chair across from the station and waited.
They walked half a block from the hospital to a small café. They got their teas and then sat down at a table outside.
"So how have you been?" her mother asked.
Katniss blurted, "I was pregnant. But I lost it." She sipped her tea, not knowing what else to say.
Her mother was at a loss for words for a moment before she was able to say, "Oh, Katniss, that should never have happened to you."
She nodded. "Mother, I…" She swirled her finger around the rim of her cup. "I don't…" She was at a loss for words. How was she ever to say all the things she needed to say? And was her mother worthy of those words anyway?
"I never did right by you and Prim after your daddy died." Mrs. Everdeen said, breaking the silence. "I let you down. I'm sorry. I've never said it before." She paused, struggling with something. "Katniss, I blamed you for a long time for Prim." He voice caught at the name. "I know it wasn't your fault. I always knew, but I needed someone to blame. Snow was dead." She shook her head. "I'm a horrible mother. You took better care of your sister and me than I could have ever done anyway. You're strong. My blame turned into pride when I remembered that. I'm so sorry for what I became. But, as bad as it is, you're a better woman for it. You're so strong. I'm weak. I always was."
"No, Mother. You're not weak. I'm starting to see… You loved Daddy so much. Losing him crushed you. I resented you because you stopped living for us. When he died, so did part of you. I don't think it was right, but I understand. I've been thinking a lot about it lately and I…I don't know if I would do much better in the same situation."
She reached over and placed her hand on top of her daughter's. "I wish I could go back and change it all."
"I know. I do too." Katniss clenched her jaw. "But we can't."
"I want to get to know you again, Katniss. I want to make it right. Do you think we can?"
"I think so."
"I love you, Katniss."
She just watched her mother for a while. Did she love her mother? She still wasn't sure.
She changed the subject to things that didn't matter as much. She didn't want to think about those things anymore for the moment.