Here we go! Dialogue! From here on in we are going to be having longer chapters and more talking and hopefully stuff happening. EEEP! I'm finding it quite a challenge to sketch out 'day to day' Loki and Tony…so if my updates start becoming every other day rather than every day I apologize, but I can imagine me having a lot of tantrums about my writing from now on! Hopefully it'll get easier as I go along!

Disclaimer: Chapter title is shamelessly stolen from the 65daysofstatic song of the same name. Go listen, it's fabulous.

Other disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters

Ending on a nice note: I LOVE you all for reading and commenting and alerting and generally giving me so many happy feels! (^.^)

/SQUISHES/

Chapter 8. Drove Through Ghosts To Get Here.

Loki was wary, Tony could sense it. He sat huddled on the stool Tony had only recently vacated as if he wasn't sure he was allowed to be there, as if he wasn't sure that he wasn't going to be attacked or arrested or that this wasn't all a trick. He was doubting himself, Tony realized, and he was scared. He looked about 5 times smaller and a few centuries younger. And like he no longer belonged in a mental asylum.

Tony poured himself a matching drink, threw in some ice and walked out from the bar, coming round to lean in front of where Loki was clenching his glass, knuckles white and face even whiter. He marvelled at how fast the cuts and bruises were healing, marvelled that Loki had even been able to drag himself over to the stool. He knew the god was powerful, but the speed of his recovery, that was impressive. Tony found himself with that familiar itch of curiosity when faced with something he found fascinating or challenging; he'd love to work on a similar program for his suit. It'd cut fixing and rebuilding time by a significant amount of days.

Shaking his head, he let go of this tangent, storing it away for future contemplation. For now, he wanted to get to the bottom of this. Without the other Avengers, without S.H.E.I.L.D, without Loki being arrested and dragged off to be incarcerated in some godforsaken cell in Fury's basement or escorted back to Asgard to face some inevitable and undoubtedly horrific punishment. He wanted Loki to talk, and he wanted to understand. And no, he had no idea what he was going to say, whether he should even be saying it, or whether Loki would even comply. He had no idea what he was doing, but when it came to Loki, he got the feeling not many people really did. Or ever had.

''Drink up, Reindeer Games. It'll help. Although you seem to be doing a pretty good job of that yourself'' Tony said, once again casting an appraising glance over Loki's healing body.

Loki jumped at the sudden conversation, and drew a shaking hand up to his mouth, sniffing the amber liquid.

''You're doubting my taste?'' Tony questioned, attempting an easy smile; Loki was clammed up like a oyster and if Tony was going to have any success at unravelling this monumental mess, he had to get the god feeling comfortable. Tony got the impression snarking would be a long way off, but he'd settle for straight up talking. Hell, he'd even settle for more anger.

Loki eyed him suspiciously before taking a sip.

''Hmm. It's good''.

Tony nodded in agreement. ''You expected less?''

Loki looked down again. 'I expected…not this. I never wanted this. I never expected to come this far. I never thought…I was….it wasn't….'' he broke off, agitated, fingers worrying at the glass. Tony figured he wasn't just talking about the whiskey.

'Regretting your little take over mission? 'Risk' not exciting enough for you anymore? Hey, do you even have board games back in Asgard, or wherever?'' Tony still wasn't 100% sure if this jokey manner was the way forward, but hell, it felt comfortable, it was second nature, and he was already haring off at 200 miles an hour with it, ignoring all other roads.

''This is not…this is not funny, Stark'' Loki whispered, and he felt wetness on his cheeks again. ''What I have done, what I am…Asgard, it is not my home…it never was and never has been. And now Earth…destroying Earth was never my plan, never my intention. It is true I never cared for Earth, no, that was Thor. But….Thor….I only ever wanted…I only ever wanted to be his equal. I never wanted to destroy him. I never wanted to destroy anything. I have killed and I have maimed and I am left with nothing, again''. The tears were coming thicker and faster now, and Loki was shaking, his voice breaking over every other word.

Tony took in this gush of feelings, something squeezing at his heart; he forced himself to harden his voice, to not succumb to the wreckage that was latent inside of him.

''I'm a monster'' Loki continued, ''and I always have been. I should never have expected anything different. This is what monsters do, they destroy things. People. They have nothing and they deserve nothing. They are despicable, an abomination. They - '' and he broke off again as a wave of despair convulsed across his body.

Fuck. This was rock bottom alright. Tony thought back to the Loki of about 10 minutes ago, the Loki stood seething with anger and screaming that he was a god, that he was not to be bullied, that he was to be obeyed. They were worlds apart, quite literally. (Tony was quickly forming a theory as to why Loki was suddenly reduced to a crumbled, blubbering green eyed wreck, and he was ready to bet all he had left that he was right).

'STOP'' Tony said, reaching out at grabbing Loki by the shoulders. Huh, role reversal much? 'Just stop. Back up a bit. You're fucked up, I get that. Seriously. I get that. But monster? Shit, yeah, you've been a evil little arsehole, not to mention a cocky bastard. You've pissed off just about everyone on the entire planet. But you are NOT a monster.''

That particular phrase had hit Tony hard, he'd been sorely reminded of Banner and the many conversations they'd shared about 'the other guy'. Banner had taken a long time to get to the stage where he could separate himself from the Hulk, he had convinced himself that he, too, was a monster – a belief that had crushed Tony when he found out, hurt him, because damn, he liked Banner, respected him, loved him even – he was the smartest guy on the team, apart from himself, and invaluable to Tony at times when he needed a scientific brain to bounce ideas off. Banner wasn't a monster, and the Hulk wasn't his fault. And if Tony was right in his theory, Loki was no more of monster, and no more at fault. Kind of. In a different way.

''Listen, I don't care what you say. I care what you've done, yes, because it's hurt me and it's hurt my friends and you've caused a pretty shitty situation to have to clean up. But I understand. Some of it at least. You killed one person here, a great guy. And you caused the deaths of many, many others, although indirectly. You brought an alien army here to Earth and you've done so much damage I'd hasten to bet that Manhattan will be in debt for decades to come. So yeah. Not your best move. And I don't condone any of it. But I DO understand. You want to hear why? I used to be a big shot in the weapons manufacturing business. I sold to terrorists. I probably caused as many deaths as you, and indirectly, one of them was another friend of mine. I probably fucked the world up just as much, but over a larger area and a longer amount of time. I was called the Merchant of Death, for fucks sake. Does 'God of Mischief' sound any better yet?''

Loki was sat still, listening, looking like a deer caught in the headlights.

'What I'm saying is, we've all done stuff we regret. Some people's stuff is bigger than others. Some people's hurts more. Some people's takes longer to escape. But you can escape, and whatever the hell you've done, whoever you've pissed off or whatever you've fucked up, NOTHING excuses the right to give up. Giving up is the final mistake. I've learnt the hard way. You can surrender, or you can start again. You can acknowledge the pain without letting it tear you apart. You can use it to build something greater, something new. You can control it, and it no longer controls you. And all anyone will ever be able to judge you for is how you did it and what you become. A fair judgement. And if I'm going to judge you fairly, I need to confirm something''.

He straightened up and stared straight into Loki's eyes, taking in the depth of green as if to confirm his thoughts.

''Your sceptre. It wasn't yours was it? I mean, it wasn't always yours. Someone gave it to you. Someone gave it to you for a purpose, and taught you how to use it. Dr Selvig. Barton. Those other Agents. Nearly myself. They were under it's power, weren't they? Well let me get something else straight. You looked ten times worse than they did. They looked like their eyes had frozen, you looked like you had fucking icebergs in your sockets. You looked insane. You sounded insane. You acted insane. You were controlling them…but who was controlling you?''

Throughout Tony's speech Loki's eyes had widened and he had shifted restlessly on his chair, never taking his gaze from Tony's, looking frightened and exhausted.

''The Chitauri'' he forced in a whisper, shuddering at the very mention of their name. ''Their leader…he…he found me…he found me in a bad place…I was weak, half destroyed, my magic – it was sorely injured, I couldn't escape…he collected me and transported me to their world, and he…they…they tortured me. They tortured me and tried to bargain with me. They - ''

He took a second to compose himself, and this time Tony was the one staring, gripping his glass too tightly and feeling the sickening disgust clawing at his stomach as Loki said the words that were clearly causing him indescribable pain.

'' – they wanted the Tesseract, and in return offered me the only thing I had to bargain, they offered me a home. A place to go. The Earth. They would invade, and I….I would command them…and we would win…and they would leave, with the Tesseract, and I would rule Earth. But they had to make sure I kept up my side of the bargain. They knew who I was, they knew my reputation, trickster, lie-smith. So they threatened me. They made me feel pain as I had never even imagined…could never imagine…that pain stripped everything from me, and all that was left was the bad…bad which they antagonized, bad which they fed. My anger, my power, my regret, my guilt, they manipulated them until that was all I was. And then they gave me the sceptre and sent me here''.

Loki finished, choking over his last few sentences, and drained his drink, eyes glistening with tears.

Tony knew it.

His theory was right. Loki had been the biggest pawn of the all, he was a victim too. And he had been the perfect target. From what Tony had learned from Thor, about Loki's background, his childhood, his adoption, his attempts to destroy Jotunheim and his self-sacrifice on the Bifrost, Loki had been damaged and fucked up even more than Tony had been, and that was before Loki had met with the Chitauri. It wasn't an excuse, but it was an explanation, and Tony knew that while Loki had enemies, his worst one had always been himself. When he was attacked, and vulnerable, slighted again and again, Loki had kept going in the only way he knew how. The only way Tony had once known how. He had crawled out of the remains, scarred, and sworn to get revenge. Sworn that it would never happen again. Allowed hideous memories to poison his soul. It's a vicious cycle, Tony thought, and Loki knows it. You tell yourself you don't deserve love, or happiness, or forgiveness, or acceptance, and you rip anyone who tries to tell you any different into shreds, even if it's yourself. Because it hurts too much to do anything else, and it's easier.

It was a nightmare. Loki may have woken up, but he wasn't mended yet. A lot of things were still dark, and would be for a long time to come.

And unless someone could persuade the other Avengers, Fury, Thor and the entire bloody American Government that Loki was no longer (much of) a threat, that 'long time' may just as well be forever.

Someone.

Tony poured himself another drink.