Guys guys guys, thank you so so much for your feedback again, sorry for gushing so much but honestly it means a LOT and I am so happy you like my writing and I'm so grateful for all your suggestions and lovely compliments! You are the BEST.
SMOOSH
Anyways, here's my longest chapter so far, I had so much fin writing this, really hope you enjoy it! Say hi to a few of our Avengers friends, they'll be back very shortly….
Again, no slash/smut/fluff yet, but you know by now it's going to take a whiiiiile. Loki's all sad and vulnerable and Tony's confused, we wouldn't want to take advantage now would we? Oh how I love them. PEACE OUT.
Disclaimer: Title is from the song 'Closing Circles' by Vowels, another post/math rock band. I'm a hipster kid at heart. And I quite like this song/chp link thing, probs will keep this up….also, I still don't own any of the characters.
Chapter 9. Closing Circles.
The atmosphere in the penthouse was suffocating; the air felt thick, as if it were roaring silently. Loki was still hunched on the stool, looking utterly lost and despondent, and Tony was still staring at the fragile, shattered man in front of him, trying to get his head round the moment it all started going wrong. For the Earth and his fellow Avengers, it was when Loki appeared, hell bent on destruction and determined to murder and manipulate his way through any resistance. For him, it was the moment he recognised that there was more to Loki, more to his flawed and desperate plan, more that somehow and unarguably bound their pasts together. For Loki himself, it was way before any of this, way back, right back to a time Tony could barely even imagine, it was practically forever ago. Loki had been dealing with anger, turmoil, pain and rejection for longer than Tony had been alive, and as time had gone on, he had twisted and infected himself more, until he finally came across creatures who could do it to him even harder and even more effectively.
''What will happen now? To me?'' Loki had broken the silence with a question so loaded with hesitation, dread and resignation that Tony could feel it sinking into the space between them, weighed down with more emotion than a mere six words should be able to hold.
''I don't know'' Tony answered, deciding that there was no alternative but simple, brute honesty. 'I don't know. There is going to be a lot of baying for your blood. SHIELD, Fury, the Avengers, the Government. The public. You…you made a mess. A shit tonne of mess. And that's not going to be forgiven easily. And convincing people it wasn't exactly your fault, as such, is going to be if anything more difficult than putting everything right. People will want you punished, whether here or back on Asgard. Hell, probably both. And I can't see Fury taking too kindly to the idea of Thor just sweeping you home to face some 'higher justice'. Bad decisions, however unfair it may sound, are always met with retribution. It's just the way shit happens. Believe me, I know''.
''Then you know what will happen'' Loki said, bowing his head again as if it were too heavy to hold up the burden of Tony's reply. ''I will be finished. I will endure more pain, more degradation, more torture. Asgard will likely see me in chains for the remainder of my days, and your people will likely execute me, if not at their own hand then by contract. It will be over, at last''. His low, flat voice was completely devoid of emotion, and Tony shivered with the sudden comprehension of just how much desolation and agony Loki must have experienced that allowed him to talk about it in such a numb, casual manner.
'Everything isn't lost'' Tony said firmly, wanting Loki to snap out this frozen dome he'd built around himself. 'You might not think highly of the Avengers, of SHIELD, but they are not terrorists. They are not executioners. They will not see your death, not at their hands or anyone else's. They will not sanction cold blooded murder as punishment, even if…even if that is the charge against you''.
'Don't lie to me, Stark'' Loki implored, looking tired. 'What punishment is left, that matches so heinous a crime as my own? Even if your – your SHIELD, as you say, will not kill me, how shall you propose to stop Thor returning me to my dear father's judgement? Asgardian law is above and beyond your command''.
'Listen, I don't know the details. Ok? I really don't know. I haven't worked out what's going to happen, and frankly, it probably isn't going to be up to me. I don't have a plan, and I don't even know what the fuck's going on anymore'' Tony gestured loosely at the balcony, indicating outside. ''My team are still down there, people are still getting hurt. I should be out there, saving them. That's what I do. Superhero contract and all that. But I guess it's your lucky day that your big breakdown/change-around thing happened in front of me, because now I get to save you. And I'm telling you, death and torture does not come under that job description. Not even as a perk''.
Loki was twitching, clearly trying to wrap his head around Tony's words and his intonation. The confident, forceful manner of speech which was usually so familiar to both of them had been hovering on the edges of his words. An occurrence which Tony, at least, was insanely grateful for.
Well, someone had to grab an attempt to get back to normality here.
''Why should I believe you? For all your words, you are still, technically, my enemy'' Loki's mouth screwed up at the last word, as if it left a bad taste.
Tony sighed. ''Aren't you getting it, Reindeer Games? I've told you. I've been there. That black void. That unfathomable place your brain takes you to when it wants to escape even its own thoughts. I've looked into the abyss, and yes, it's looked back at me too''. That reference would be lost on Loki, but no matter.''But I came back, and I reformed, and I integrated myself into society. A better society. I chose my friends, and I chose my enemies, and I chose more wisely this time''.
''What if you didn't have the choice? What if you couldn't 'come back'? What if you were stuck there, chained down and cast out, forgotten, beyond chance or redemption?''
Loki's voice had broken again, and they both knew he wasn't referring to Tony.
'There is always a choice. There is always something. If there was nothing, you'd be dead. And we've established that that is off the radar. There is always a chance''.
Tony understood Loki's reluctance to believe him, and not just because up to this point, they had indeed been enemies, rivals, so far away from each other on the spectrum that they practically met in the middle again. (And they were both still trying to get their heads around that.) No, Tony also understood Loki's reluctance to believe him because he knew himself what pain did to you. It destroyed rational thought, it built a wall so large that you forgot what was on the other side. Pain stayed when everything else left, and after so long, it started to feel natural, inescapable, even, in some sick and twisted way, welcome. Everything that didn't hurt was suspicious, a threat. Every time a bone was thrown at you, all you saw was poison. If there was anything worse than being told you were insignificant and loathsome, it was believing it.
'And so what you're saying…is you're mine? You're my chance? My fate rests in your hands?'' Loki questioned the man stood in front of him, his voice cracking with both hope and despair. 'And I'm expected to believe that you're somehow going to fix me? I am not one of your suits, Stark. And even with your suits, I doubt you can beat the mass of people who will be queuing up to witness my amercement''.
''Those'd be the people you ordered to kneel, yeah? Still reckon a few of them would have obeyed you.'' Tony couldn't resist the innuendo, even if he knew it was wildly situation inappropriate – it was just the way he was programmed. His default setting.
''Anyway. There will be no witnessing - or sanctioning for that matter - of anything of the sort. I won't need the suit. And it won't just be me. I'll work on SHEILD. Sort something out. Something…humane. Rehabilitation. I'll make Fury think it was all his idea, and anyway, I'm betting that he'll take anything over letting you escape back to Asgard. He holds a grudge, believe me - ''
''He does indeed''.
Tony was cut off by a low, thunderous and deeply unamused voice coming from his left. Turning in surprise, he found himself staring straight at the Director himself, framed in the doorway of his elevator shaft, Steve, Clint and Natasha behind him. Fury looked, well, furious. Steve looked like someone had hit him over the head with something large and heavy. Clint had his eyes narrowed, loaded bow pointed straight at Loki's heart. Natasha had on her usual expression of suspicion, yet Tony could see it was now mixed with shock and the smallest hint of fear. Before Tony could find his voice, Fury took a step forward into the room, somehow taking in everything in a swift glance without his eye ever leaving Tony's face.
''Would someone care to tell me what the fuck is going on here?''
XXXXXX
It was the weirdest meeting Tony had ever attended, if he could even call it that. He was stood at the head of a large black flexi-glass table situated in one of the more secure meeting rooms in the lower levels of Stark Tower, accompanied by Fury, Natasha, Steve, Clint, Thor, Dr Banner and Loki. All except the latter and his brother were sitting uncomfortably around the table, each near to bursting with their own version of what Tony supposed was frenzied energy, shooting glances between themselves, never letting their eyes wander too long from Tony's face, or from Loki, handcuffed to a chair in the corner, guarded by Thor. Fury had ordered a immediate explanation of the situation he had walked in on upstairs, and as it transpired the war was now over (apparently Selvig had said the portal opened by the cosmic cube had collapsed in on itself, or something, which had in turn caused the Chitauri to collapse like tin robots - Tony would get the details later) and civilians were no longer in any danger, Tony and Loki found themselves frogmarched downstairs none too gently and forced into this meeting room, where they were joined by everyone who needed to be present.
Nobody was saying anything about the space Coulson should have occupied.
It had taken Tony a good half an hour and what felt like a whole body fucking investigation by Banner to convince the others that he wasn't under Loki's spell, or compromised in any way, or hurt, or indeed affected by any kind of magic. He had finally succeeded in convincing them when Bruce declared his hormone levels, gamma rays and brain functioning scans all 100% normal, and Clint had been sent upstairs to collect evidence of the shattered and now entirely harmless sceptre. Tony knew that making them believe the same of Loki would take much longer, and would compromise his entire fucking sanity in the eyes of his team, but he was willing to shoot with everything he had. Call him egoistical, volatile, self centered all you want, Tony Stark knew a cry for help when he saw one, especially one that resonated so closely to his own pleas of the past. He may not play well with others, but he could damn well stand up for the underdog. That the underdog in question this time happened to be Loki was unfortunate, but Tony had chosen to see it as his biggest challenge since stopping those shards of metal piercing his own heart all those years ago, and he was going to sort this out in the same way.
Indentify the wound.
Invent a cure.
Mend it.
Going on the reactions he was getting so far though, his suggestions were so far off the mark that they were practically orbiting Jupiter.
''THIS IS THE PROBLEM'' he was saying, replying to Clint's suggestion that they 'just pack the evil bastard back off to where he came from and let him rot', a suggestion he had worded in slightly varying ways more than once. He was clearly bitter about Loki addling with his brain when he first arrived on Earth.
''YOU SCREW HIM UP, AGAIN AND AGAIN, AND HE COMES BACK, AGAIN AND AGAIN, EACH TIME WITH AN EVEN MORE FUCKED UP PLAN FOR REVENGE. Because he's blaming you for the pain that he doesn't realise is coming from INSIDE HIMSELF. You give him pain, he wants revenge. And every time, somebody pays the price. It's already been Jotunheim. It was very nearly Asgard. This time it happened to be Earth. The same mess, over and over, and the same poor fucks left to clear it up each time. More to the point, what's the fucking use in clearing it up every time if there's still bits of the same mess rotting away inside him?''
OK, so Tony had all but shouted that entire speech with more contempt than he originally planned, but what the fuck, he was sick of making the same point over and over. Everyone was still staring at him, though Banners face had started to change into an expression of guarded understanding.
'Why do you care?'' Natasha's voice was smooth, pointed, dangerously calm, as was her forte.
Tony turned to her, welcoming what was in his opinion a reasonable and useful question. Are we actually getting somewhere here?
''It's because I see myself in him'' he replied simply, glancing over to where Loki was sat in semi shadow, noticing the god was staring at him unblinkingly from behind Thor. 'He's put up with the same bullshit. He just made….a different call. He didn't recognise the chances I did. No, scrap that - from what I heard, nobody's ever offered them to him. I spoke to Thor about him, back on the helicarrier, and what he said, it…it made sense. What Loki did. What he's done. It's as if he's me, but a me who made it out of that cave and returned home to my father, to the company, not to Pepper or Happy. He's me without Rhodey, me never having met Yinsen, me without the opportunities given to me by science, technology, money, friends. I could have come back from Afghanistan, burning with revenge, I could have used my genius and my resources to make everyone pay for what I'd gone through. But I didn't, because at least I knew what the alternatives were, what I had to gain. Loki's only ever known what he had to lose''.
'So what, you want to…you want to be his friend or something?'' This time it was Fury who spoke, and Tony picked up on the distaste with which the Director said 'friend', and wondered whether his boss had ever had one. Probably never wanted one.
''No. I just want him to see that you don't have to be what the world thinks you are. You don't have to live up to your name. That if you hate it, you can make a new one. We're smart, people like me. People like Loki. We can see through bullshit, but that doesn't mean we don't feel it when it's been thrown at us over and over again. I want him to come up with a 'fuck you' that doesn't involve the obliteration of an entire nation''.
There was a long silence.
Then -
''I agree.'' Dr Banner was sitting up straight, and after a glance at Loki, turned back to face both Fury and Tony. 'I think…it's not ideal, and it's not going to be popular. But I know better than anyone what it's like to have a monster inside. To be reviled, feared, hated, punished. And it doesn't do you any good. It just makes you angrier. And the angrier you become, the more you hate yourself, and the more the world hates you. The only escape is acceptance, and control''.
Tony thought it was the longest speech Banner had ever given, and judging by the array of surprised faces shown by his teammates, they were just as shocked as he was.
''With all due respect, Dr Banner - '' Fury started, but Banner cut him off.
''No. Don't say the situations are different. They're not. The other guy…he's truly a monster. And believe me, I hate him as much as everyone else does. But it took me a long time to stop hating myself. A long time to separate 'him' and 'me'. At one time…I couldn't see a way out. I couldn't ever see acceptance. I put a bullet in my mouth and the other guy spat it out. And that's when I realised, it was live with him, or spend my whole life tearing myself apart. I went away for a bit. I sorted myself out. And now I work for the good guys. And I'm not saying Loki will ever be on SHEILD's payroll, but he deserves a chance to get off his own hit-list''.
Tony felt slightly sick. He had never heard Banner talk so openly and candidly about his condition. He'd never mentioned actually trying to kill himself. And his tone of voice…it was the same tone Loki had used upstairs, when talking about his punishment. Flat. Dead. Level. While the rest of the team were trying in vain to come up with an argument, or even a response, to the scientist, Thor moved closer to the table.
''What I hear, it makes sense'' he started, in his low, rumbling voice. 'Loki is my brother, he is not a monster. He has gone too far, and it is right that he should expect retribution, but it is also right that he has a chance to fight his demons. None of you knew him before this madness. I did, and I am confident he can be saved. You will remember, once, that I came to Earth myself – banished by my father for going too far and making the wrong choices in my own way. I changed during my time here. I learnt the difference between bravery and stupidity. I am convinced that Loki will also learn the error of his ways, if he is to be kept here on Earth and taught the ways of redemption''.
Whilst Thor was speaking, Tony had stolen a look at Loki. He had his eyes on the floor, his face taught with discomfort. Clearly his and Thor's 'unfinished business' was something that would also take a hell of a lot of time to recover from.
Fury was reclining in his chair, his face as set as stone. Natasha looked impassive, and Clint was still glaring at Loki, evidently not taken in by any of the cases made on his behalf. Tony, however, was concentrating on Steve. The Cap was leaning forward with his jaw set and his eyes attached firmly to Loki. Ah. Soldier mode.
''Do you feel remorse for what you have done?''
Loki looked up, uncertainty flashing across his face. It was the first time any of them had addressed him directly. Matching his steady tone to the Captains, he managed ''I regret many of my actions. Today, on Earth, in Asgard. I have not been…entirely myself. I wanted people to hurt. But now…while I fear I cannot feel remorse…in answer to your question, I can say I regret what I have done.''
Steve looked at though he was nearing the end of a massive internal struggle. Holding Loki's gaze for a few seconds after the god had given his answer, he appeared to reach a decision, although from the way his mouth twitched, it wasn't an easy one, and it probably tasted bad.
''If he is to be believed….I agree with Tony and the Doctor. There have been too many lives destroyed, too many morals broken, too much war already. Punishing the perpetrator is likely only to start another. We, SHIELD, we have the abilities and the facilities to change that. We can build an alternative future. An alternative future that had one less bad guy for us to chase. If everyone is on board…I vote Loki's sentence to be containment with the view of rehabilitation''.
Clint looked at Steve as if he were insane, but Fury was slowly nodding.
'This may be the stupidest order I ever make, but as Stark seems to have persuaded three supposedly intelligent minds that some kind of rehab programme is exactly what this crazy guy needs, I'm willing to sanction it. On a TRIAL BASIS. Any sign of bullshit, attempts to escape, any magical fuck ups, and ANY homicidal attempts, and he is booted out into the deepest, darkest corner of hell I can find. Everyone got that?''
Nobody moved. Nobody spoke. Fury's tone showed that he had reached a decision that was not to be argued with.
''And Stark - '' the Director continued, turning to fix Tony with his one good eye, '' – as you were so desperate for a pet, I'm ordering responsibility for our guest to be dumped onto your head. SHEILD is not a crèche or psychiatric ward. I understand you have enough toys at your place to keep him occupied, and more importantly, INSIDE. You will be provided with guards and anything else you require in order to 'mend' the crazy bastard. I'll be wanting video and audio surveillance on him at all times. I'll be wanting progress reports. Daily. I'll be wanting change, Stark, or you might just find yourself regretting every last second of your existence''.
Fixed with Fury's steely grin, Tony was gobsmacked. The team had actually listened to him - and in his opinion, they really ought to start doing that more often, how the fuck Loki had been his breakthrough in this area he didn't even care to fathom – but more than that, Fury had actually agreed not to punish or torture Loki. Or even harm him at all. Or send him away to someone who would. But - and Tony was still trying to let his brain catch up with his ears here – Fury had also basically ordered him to become some kind of - some kind of babysitter for a magical Norse god who narrowly just escaped execution for war crimes. His house was to become some sort of therapy centre. Tony hadn't exactly had a plan of his own beyond 'save Loki from more fucked up torture'; and it was accurate to say that this one had arrived straight out of thin air and smacked him right in the face.
But it made sense. The small voice in his head was rapidly catching up with the situation, and he was getting that weird burning situation in his brain again. For what seemed like the millionth time he looked over to where Loki sat, swallowed, and tried not to let it show just how shocked, exhausted, and yet strangely fucking relieved he was; before doing his best attempt an easy, familiar grin.
''Hey, how about that. Looks like I got myself a lodger. You wanna go have the tour, Reindeer Games?''
If Loki appeared shell-shocked, it was nothing compared to the rest of the team. Clint looked as if he now wanted to kill Fury, Natasha had her eyes narrowed in distaste, Dr Banner was glancing between Tony and Loki with the expression he got whenever an experiment was being particularly surprising or troublesome, and Steve was opening and closing his mouth like a goldfish, evidently trying to understand how things had gone from his own support of the idea to the idea moving itself into his comrades house.
Tony wasn't paying attention to any of this, as he was trying to ignore the rush of mixed and churning feelings in his own stomach, catapulting up and down to his brain through his spine. Loki, in his house? Loki, living with him? Loki being his latest 'project', his latest 'assignment' from SHIELD? Loki, 6 feet of psychotic Norse god, rattling around in his basement? Tony could see Fury's reasoning, hell, he had been the one to put this whole scheme out there in the first place, but what the fuck.
Tony was nervous, and not only at the thought of Loki having a relapse and killing him in his bed. He was nervous because having Loki there was going to mean going back to places he thought he'd never have to visit again, places he thought he'd escaped forever. And that wasn't even mentioning the new places, the unchartered territories that inevitably came with all those feelings he'd experienced back in the penthouse.
''Thor will also be accompanying you. Make it work Stark''.