THEN SHE REALIZED SUMFFIN!1+1!
"James you cowfu****!" she screamed in agony and heartbreak! "You made her a vampire, now she's goingto be more beautifool than moi!"
She threw herself onto the ground and sobbed in socio-naturalistic despair.
"No, no, thah could nevber happen!" James assured her, as he tossed her ocer his other shoulder like a bag of beans. "Nobody could ever be more beautiful than you, who are the Queen of Elves dancing with the Unicorns!"
Rain dried her tears, and looked ofer at Jessie, who was rabbising from the mouth and generally looked shite. Her eyes were Xs, like on Pokemon, and her thongue was hanging out.
At home they tossed Jessie into the laundry rOom to sit out her tranformersazion, then they went upstairs and had sex for the next three days. It was very gothick romantically.
When Jessie woke up, they fed her some leftover moose blood (it was mixed with ketchup, because they hadn't been hunting cause they had been busy, so there was little food in the house) and dressed her in a black and white maid outfit like on Dontown Abbey. Then she had to wash the house while they went out hunting.
Suddenly Rain's ugly-sensor started tingling like a bad mosquito bite on the eyeball. (A/N that would bloody hurt!) She followed it in the direction of the Swan house. She saw an incredibly nasty looking girl who was so deff not Bella. This girl had really fake blonde hair with a lot of regrowth, a nose the size of a baked potato, thin lips that were curved in an upside-down U shape, and small pig eyes of different shapes. She had so many zits that it looked like a pizza had barfed all over her face. Her ears were like satellite discs on the sides of her head. She wore a fishnet top over a grandmother bikini and neon pink stillettos.
"Who's that ugly poser?" Rain asked, trying hard not to lose her lunch.
"That is Rebecca Swansin", James explained logically. "She's a loser cousin Charlie had to take in because her parents killed themselves because she was so ugly!"
"Harkimashito!" Rain said in Japanese, it means "I totally understand why!"
Suddenly they heard something behind them! It was... ...a twig that snapped. Rain spun around at warp speed.
It was just Bella. She looked scared for some strange reason.
"Don't be afraid!" said Rain. "We're not going to hurt you."
Bella looked sceptically at her. "They say you are a vampire now," she said. "And that you have killed half of the students in our year."
"Slight exaggeration," Rain explained. "And it was totally an accident. How's life with your cousin?"
Bella sighed. "It's hell!" she said. "There is something really wrong with Becca, like she's on another planet. She's been saying all these crazy things about me, like I'm supposed to be whoring myself out in the garage! Edward dumped me when he heard that. So now I'm with Jacob BTW. And she thinks she's so sexy that nobody can resist her. Well, you've seen what she looks like."
"We have," said James, making a face like he'd just been goatse'd. "Would you like us to help you get rid of her. She's wasting valuable oxygen by existing!" (A/N I can't believe I just referenced SAMMY! What is this world coming to?)
"I don't want you to kill her," Bella said. "She is a total nightmare, but I don't think I could live with that."
"We could scare her away," Rain suggested. "Let her think we intended to kill her, so that she'd move away of her own free will."
"That would be great," said Bella. "But... I'm not even sure it would work. She's completely Martian, and has no clue what is really going on. She thinks she's dating Edward, but he really hates her."
"I'll at least try," said Rain. "Just for old times' sake. You used to be a good friend, when you weren't breaking all your promises to go hang with Edward instead."
"Thanks!" said Bella. "I better get home before she does anything spectacular. And don't believe anything you hear about me!"
They went home and told Jessie she could take a break from the maiding. Then they all sat down and watched a documentary about the Brazilian banana slug. It really looked like Rebecca.
"So, do we do something about that bitch Rebecca, tomorrow?" Jessie asked. She had gotten used to being a vampire now, and she was really happy that the streaks in her hair had become fluorescent.
"Yeah, we'll strike after lunch," Rain confirmed. "What class do you have then?"
"English," said Jessie. "Becca goes to the bathroom between every class to smear on some more clown paint."
"I'll be waiting for her," Rain said with a smile.
The next day they drove to Forks High and mingled into the crowds of kids coming back from lunch. Jessie went to English class, pretending she had just been sick for couple of days. She was going to text Rain about what was going on.
Rain hid in a toilet cubicle until she felt her ugliness sensor start to beeeeeeeep again. She peered out from behind the door, and saw Becca coming in with tears and make-up running down her acne-face. She pulled a big tube of black pain out of her bag, and started making panda eyes. Then she took out another tube, this one yellow, and made tiger stripes on the panda paint. It looked really hideous!
After picassoing herself, Becca went to the toilet. Rain used the oportunity to sneak out silently like a brontosaur on roller skates in a museum. Suddenly... Becca started screaming her head off. Then she came running out of the toilet stall naked! It was disgusting! She clutched a blow-up doll with a picture of Edward's face stuck on it.
"Oh no!" she squeaked when she noticed Rain, and scrambled back into the toilet.
"Oh YES!" said Rain, smiling like a Chesire vampire. (A/N LOL it rhymes!)
"DAMMIT!" Becca said loudly from inside the stall. "I don't even know how to escape. I fucking HATE all of you bitches!"
Rain started walking towards her, making sure her stilettos click-clacked against the floor with each step. She felt so fucking Femme Fatale it was a turn on!
"NOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOO!" Becca screamed pathetically from inside the shitter. "Don't kill me! Kill BELLA! She's a whoring slut, and nobody LIEKS her! Pleeeeez kill HER not ME you FUCKER!"
Rain could see Becca slithering like the slug she was along the floor and crawl into the next stall. This was awesomely fun! Rain hadn't laughed so hard since she accidentally ate Lauren.
"EDWARD? WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU? YOU BITCH!" Rebecca screamed. Rain looked at the inflatable Edward that Becca had dropped on the floor. She picked it up and stood it against the sinks. Then she slammed a door a few times, and ducked out of view.
Becca came peeking out of the stall. "Edoweird!" (sic!) she screamed, and threw herself around "Edward's" inflatable neck. "Yayyyy! I'm so happy to see youuuuu!" She started humping him. It was so gross that Rain couldn't stand watching it. She zoomed out of there at the speed of light.
Outside the school she vomited long and well, before getting into James' gloriosus Merc and driving back home.
Later that night she met up with Bella again to hear if Rebecca was scared shitless.
"Soooooo..?" Rain asked sociopathically. "Is she packing yet?"
"I don't know," Bella said. "She came home from school saying she had been stalked, and wanted Dad to do something. But he's kind of mad at her right now, because she came running home naked and said that Alice had shot the whole class, including me. He totally freaked, and was on his way to the hospital when I met him on the road. Bec's gone out again, apparently to arrange a jailbreak for Alice." She shook her head and sighed. "He was crying, Angie! I really hate seeing my Dad show emotion, because it doesn't suit him. He's a cop and such."
"I'll think of something," Rain promised her. "And don't call me Angie. Name's Rain, OK?"
She went home and they all watched a documentary about cannibals. Then Jessie had to go to sleep in the dog house with Frank and Ripp, while Rain and James DID IT gothically.
Suddenly... the TARDIS landed!