Suddenly the TARDIS landed! An Englishman came out of it.
"Oh," he said Enlighly. "Wrong place. Jolly sorry, chaps. Cheerio!"
The Tardis disappeared.
Rain was watching Downton Abbey with James and Ripp. It was so romantic and depressing, but she hated Lady Mary because she was a BITTTTCH!
"James," she said sadly. "I want to become a Victorian."
"We'll see about that, darling nightingale," James replied lovelyingly. "But first we need to get rid of that nightmare Rebecca."
"Maybe we can kill her with arsenic, like Vera," Rain suggested.
"But we promised Bella not to kill her," Jamwes protested. "I think we need that ponce Edward to help us with this. She likes him, doesn't she?"
"She drools over him like an inbred pug!" Rain exhonerated disgustedly. "He'll probably want to get rid of her as well. It's her fault Bella broke up with him too!"
They got in the car and drove to the Cullen house box in the woods. Esme opened the door.
"Hello, we are vegetarian vampiures!" Rain explained. "Can we talk to Edward Cullen?"
Esme looked suspectingly at them. "Who of you are Rebecca?" she said with poison.
"None of us are such a h00ker!" Rain spat sympathetically. "We need Edward's help to get rid of her without killing her. Because we don't kill people, only animals that are vegetables!"
"Alright," Esme hissed, puffing on a cigar, "You better come in. EDWARD PUT YOUR UNDERPANTS ON AND COME DOWNSTARIS! Your friends are here. NOT BELLA!"
Edward came bouncing down the stairs in ducky PJs and bunny slippers. "What do YOU want?" He asked in hostile manners. "Haven't you caused enough trouble?"
"We need your help to get rid of that bloody Rebecca!" Rain experimented. "You know you want her out of your sight."
"I do verily such sensations ammend," Edward replied. "When do we start?"
"As soon as school starts tomorrow," Rain commanded. "She is very crazy and dangerous, and nobody knows what she might do. Give her this knife, it has a fake blade, and tell her it's a lover's gift to protect herself from furries."
"Ah, but will this insiduous scheme function as intended?" Edward inquired askingly.
"Oh yes it will. She is très stupide," James Frenched. "I'll call my friend Laurent and my silly ex to meet us outside school. Then we will manipulate her into doing something rash."
"That's all fine and dandy," said Esme as she bammfed them out of the industrially designed house. "Edward needs a nap now, because he has a very important history lesson tomorrow. Unlike SOME who think school is a hobby."
"That was educational," Rain said as they walked to the car. They shared a bottle of Jack Daniels and went joyriding for the rest of the night.
In the morning they went to the school. Jessie went to class, while rain and James waited for Becca in the meadow with Laurence and Victoria. Bella told them that Rebecca hadn't been in all night, and was probably still waltzing about in the woods thinking it was the same days as before.
Suddenly they saw Rebecca. She was wearing clothes, thankgoodness: a pink princess costume that was five sizes too small, a cheap plastic tiara with rhinestones and purple fairy wings strapped to her back. She hopped around trying to turn creepies and crawlies into Edward with a ball-point pen with feathers. That's how stupid she was. Rain felt so much contempt that she nearly cried, because she had always wanted a proper wand.
Suddenly Rebecca saw them!
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU FUCKERS LOOKING AT, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS?" Rebecca screamed in her disgusting voice that sounded like a fungus with constipation having diarrea.
"Bitch, please," James nonchalanted nonchalantingly. "We'll fuck you up."
"NO YOU WON'T!" Rebecca screamed. "BRING IT ON!"
She threw a rock towards James that missed by a mile. James fell to the ground pretending to be dead. Rain had to lay flat in the grass because she was laughing so hard.
"YOU FUCKERS! YOU ALL WANNA DEAD TOO?" Rebecca shouted ingramatically. "YOU ALL WANNA DYE TOO?"
She picked up a rock, and Victoria and Laurence pretended to be scared.
"NOOOOOOOOO!" they shouted and ran away.
"Good work, guys!" James said. "Now let's head to that bloody school to see what is going on!"
They ran into the school and arrived just as history class ended. Edward, Bella, Alice and Jessie were coming out of the classroom.
"What do we have next?" Rain asked, because she hadn't been to school for a year.
"Social studies," Bella explained. "Mr Szokolewski (A/N he's Polish) is going to talk about the dangers of FaceBook."
"Kawaii!" Rain said.
Suddenly...Rebecca came into the hall. She looked like she had been rolling in the mud.
"Who is that black girl you're talking to, Bella?" she asked.
Rain looked around, because she couldn't see any black girls talking to Bella. But then she realised that to Rebecca "goth" and "black" were probably the same ass and the same pancake. as they say in Norway. (A/N they say that in Norway.) Rebecca was obviously too stupid to recognize her.
"Hi!" she said. "I'm Ta..nisha..shanqua."
"Are you mister Chocolove's daughter?" Rebecca asked, and made a face like she had a headache. Her brain probably wasn't used to be in action even for fail!logic. "Cuz you have weird name!"
"Yep, so I am," Rain lied.
"Do you know where Pedowerd is?" Rebecca asked, rubbing mud off her dress with someone's jacket.
"I'm not entirely SURE..." said Rain. "But if you meant EDWARD, then he's probably getting ready for PE."
Rebecca pissed off to find him, and the others went to the boring social studies class which was anything but interesting, and actually quite dull.
After class they met Edward in the hall. "Verily you were not kidding!" he said Shakespearianly. "She is as insane as Bedlam. I hath giveth her ye knife, but promptly she did turn it on my own self. She also kicketh Sam in the nuts for no good reason."
"But why was she in the boys' locker room?" Rain excavated detectively.
"The wee birds know," Edward sighed. "Sam hath been taken to hospitality. He may need a castration."
"Well, that sucks," said Rain.
Rebecca came running through the hall. She had lost one of her stupidly oversized combat boots somewhere.
"What does she want NOW?" Bella sighed.
"The moon," Rain said sarcastically.
"Nah, she thinks she IS the moon."
"Help me quick! I'm being hunted by rapists!" Rebecca screamed. "I went into the boys' locker room like you said to, and then a boy tried to flash at me. So then I kicked his dick and punched his nuts over nine times!" She paused to gasp for some air, and continued. "So then his friends came to try and rape me, and then Edoweird came and hugged me."
"What exactly is your problem?" Rain shouted.
"Well, Edoweird got a boner, so I stabbed him with my anti-rape knife and then ran."
"I think you ought to go and appologize!" Rain said sternly.
Rebecca's ugly face lit up in a pimply smile. "Oh that's a great idea! I'm gonna go and do that right now!"
Rain grabbed Bella's arm and dragged her out of earshot from the others. "
"Your cousin is a massacre just waiting to happen!" she said. "She is loony and dangerous, and you need to get her locked up as soon as possible!"
"I'll talk to my Dad tonight," Bella said. "We're going to have to get her professional help. She isn't going to take it well, though."
Rain turned on the old thought box. "Doesn't she think Alice is in jail?" she asked.
"Apparently," Bella said. "They haven't been in class together today, so she probably still thinks so."
"You need to make her think she's going to spring Alice from jail," said Rain. "If Edward tells her, she's sure to believe him."
BUT THEN...!