Disclaimer: I do not own iCarly or any of the other characters on it. I do, however, own Jacob and Isabel.

"Why is it so hard to say?" Freddie asked. I wanted to make it easy to say, and I wanted my words to come out now. I wanted to just say Because I love you, you idiot! But words never seem to come out that easy.

"Because...well, it's taken me all this time! Don't you get it? You used to be so smart...you must've gotten dumber as the years go on," I muttered, sighing and shaking my head.

Freddie rolled his eyes and backed up. "Look, Sam, I'm letting you stay in my house and I'm letting you sit here and insult me, and I'm letting you sit here and skirt around whatever you have to say, and I should just let you know you're really starting to-,"

I didn't let him finish. "Freddie, I love you! Don't you get it? Why I would go all this way for you? Why I wouldn't want you to go out with Carly? Don't you understand anything?"

Actually, it didn't come out like that. It actually came out like, "Ergh, love, Carly," and lots of mumbling in between.

Freddie stared at me, blinking slowly. "I don't get it. Someone loves Carly?"

"No!" I cried out, then laughed at that. Freddie didn't get the joke, so I tried to explain, "Ha, don't mean nobody loves Carly, I mean like, that wasn't what I was trying to say," but his face stayed blank.

"Sam, I don't understand you. I mean, I want to...but I don't get this. What's going on? What's happening? Just tell me!"

"Did you say good bye to Freddie?" Carly asked when she came back from the airport. Sam stared at her from Carly's couch- which wasn't an odd place for her to be, even if her best friend wasn't there while she was.

"What do you mean? He moved."

"He moved today. I found out he was leaving and went and told him good bye." Carly seemed innocent enough as she sat next to Sam, smiling and smoothing down her skirt. Sam had just told her that she and Freddie got into another argument, and that he told her he was moving away. She hadn't given any details.

"What did he say?"

"He didn't really want to talk to me. He looked around a lot. Asked if you or Spencer was coming. I said no. He just said, 'Oh. Well, bye Carly.' We hugged, that was it. He told me good luck with iCarly. I asked if he wanted me to tell you bye and he just said 'Sure.' You should call him and try to talk to him, I'm sure your argument wasn't that ba- Sam? Sam? I know you like him and all, but..."

She drifted off. Sam was crying. Actually crying, tears brimming. It was a muted cry, and it was a hidden cry, but she could tell. There was a drop of water on her face, and her cheeks were a splotchy red.

"Sam? What's wrong? What happened?"

"Well, Carly, there's a lot more to the story then I told you. A lot, lot more. I didn't even know Freddie was leaving today. And...I wish I had known."

"Oh, Sam,"

And right then, Sam told Carly everything and that was what started most of the trouble.

A memory flooded to my mind- one that seemed a more poignant moment in my life than any other. It was clear- the day Freddie had moved. A day I had no idea about. A day Carly had, however.

"I want you to answer a few questions first," I said suddenly, and Freddie blinked, surprised. Maybe he was getting used to the new, non-confrontational Sam too.

"Why should I, I mean-,"

"Listen to me, Fredward," I said harshly, and Freddie blinked, shocked. "You left, and you screwed me up. Not the other way around. I come here and find you and your new girlfriend and your new life, and I just want to know a few things before I spill my biggest secret with you, okay?"

It was quiet for a long time, and I thought that Freddie might walk away, or tell me to get out, or say he hated me. I wasn't really sure what to expect. I felt like I didn't know Freddie anymore.

And still, he was just like I remembered. Wearing the same clothes, talking the same way. I even saw a ton of video junk in his bedroom when I was walking past. He had been talking about how he watched iCarly and said we had a good run, and I had overheard him telling Jacob some of his lame jokes. He was the same. It was me who was different.

Or maybe he was different, but even if he was I couldn't tell. Maybe I was blinded by love or whatever, but I found that hard to believe. With the old Sam pulsing in my veins with my outburst, I felt like I knew what was happening. He was afraid. Of answering my questions. It wasn't the other way around anymore- this time, I was in power. Just like I had always been before.

"Shoot," he said finally, and I blinked.

"What?" I asked. That was a bizarre statement.

"I mean, go ahead. Ask me your questions. I'll answer them. All of them. Truthfully. Promise." There was a lot of incorrect grammar in that sentence- the new Sam could tell- but I didn't care. I was extremely pleased.

I missed the way the old Sam took charge of situations. Maybe it wouldn't be so hard to be her anymore. Maybe, if Freddie returned my feelings, he would come back to Seattle. Maybe we would get along just like before, only not as friends, but as more than that. Maybe I would be the old Sam, and I would slouch and get bad grades, but I would make my friends laugh.

I had been making progress, hadn't I? I remembered me and Carly laughing as we knocked over the duck. I remembered us laughing about Nevel after Jacob had kissed me. I had been doing well, until I got here and saw Freddie. Then I regressed, worse than before. I was frightened.

But I could do it. I could take charge again, and hide away the hurt just like the old Sam could. If I wanted to, at least.

"Okay. I just have a few questions for you."

"Alright."

"First: Why did you leave Jacob's? How could you? You left your mom and your cousin," You left us, I wanted to add, but this wasn't about me and Carly and Spencer right now. It was about Jacob and Ms. Benson, and why he would run from even them.

He looked down at his feet, shuffling them for a bit. "My mom was ashamed of me. I could tell. She thought I was being like a coward, since she had been planning on switching our whole lives around so we could stay in Seattle, but after...me and you fought, I wanted to leave. And Jacob was annoyed with me, too. So I left. To my dad's. I told everyone it was for my girlfriend I had at the time, but we weren't even really serious. She moved here, I moved here, we broke up. Well, actually, we just stopped seeing each other. And I just stayed at my dad's."

"Why'd you leave his house?"

"Because he had a girl there every night, and he talked bad about my mom a lot and he cared more about my business then me. Probably the same reasons he and mom got divorced."

I stayed quiet, letting these two answers weight in my head. Even before Jacob knew me, he was sort of looking out for me. Ms. Benson too. And Freddie ran away, and that's how he looked at it. He never cared much about his girlfriend, either. It was a lie.

"Well, then why'd you come here?"

"Because I wanted freedom."

"Why Isabel?"

"She reminded me of you, sort of, you know. She is a lot like you. Only...too nice. Too innocent. She acts like every time I get mad it's the end of the world. It's weird...I don't know how to explain it. But she's good company, since I'm always alone over here...was always alone, at least," he shrugged a bit.

I wasn't sure if he was saying he got with Isabel because she reminded him of me or if that was just a statement. But if that was the reason...I felt like I was flying for a moment.

"Why..." I sniffed a bit and Freddie and I made eye contact. It was terrifying, looking into those brown eyes as I spoke. But I did. I needed to get ready for the big secret.

"Why didn't you say good bye? Why did you leave? Why..." I drifted off, shaking my head. I closed my eyes, not wanting to look at him. I had gotten it out, hadn't I? Wasn't that the most important part? Yet, somehow, I felt like Carly wouldn't be happy with that- and because of her, I forced my eyes opened and kept on staring at him.

"Because...I wasn't going to leave if I saw you Sam. I was mad at you, but not mad enough to hate you or anything. But I...I thought you hated me. I thought you'd be happier if I just left, and I thought I would mess with you if I asked you to come say good bye. So I left."

Our eye contact made me feel like tears were coming down, but I didn't blink and I didn't look away. I tried to break through the plainness of his eyes to see what he was really thinking- what was really going on in his mind. I focused, and I could see for a second the fear and the hurt, but then he blinked- he blinked. I felt almost victorious- or at least I would have, if I wasn't crying, which I realized I had been doing a lot of lately. I realized that crying was getting me anywhere, but that didn't make me want to stop either.

"Sam, are you crying?" he asked, reaching forward, but I turned my head to the side. I couldn't let him touch me, or I would completely melt. I could not take any risks. I was going to let loose my secret. If I let it out to him, it would be out, and I would be completely vulnerable. He could destroy me.

Only, I trusted him too much. Even if he let me down, I trusted him to do it carefully. But more than that, I was starting to trust myself. The old Sam wouldn't let me down- she never let anybody down but herself, and she wasn't going to let that happen again.

"Freddie, I have something to tell you. Your answer. It's...well...Freddie...I didn't want you to go out with Carly because I liked you. When Carly and I talked she realized it and...she broke things off, and when you got mad at me I felt like crying, and I couldn't just run after you and...let you see what you did to me. I couldn't let anyone see that, and so I didn't run after you to tell you not to go even though that's what I wanted to do. And then you left and I was just...empty. I was sad, and I sat there, and I had nightmares, and I didn't laugh or joke around. I spent time with Carly, but it wasn't the same."

Freddie's face was contorted in shock, fear, horror. I didn't want to make it out too much. I focused on his eyes, letting his emotions press me on. I could see Carly in the window again, and Jacob next to her, and they could just tell. I wasn't sure how- probably the look on my face- but they knew what I was saying. Fear pierced Carly's eyes as she and Jacob silently encouraged me.

"I wanted to go find you, so I went looking for you. I told Jacob and Ms. Benson and they came, and then I came here because I wanted to tell you that I cared about you- my late way of saying 'don't go' I guess- but then I saw Isabel and I was too afraid to tell you, and that's why Carly and I were freaking out in the kitchen. She told me to tell you and get rid of Is, but I couldn't do that. I didn't want to do to her what I...what I let happen to myself. And so I didn't say anything, but now I'm saying it because otherwise I'm going nowhere in my life...so...there. It's out."

I closed my eyes, and when I reopened them Freddie was just staring at me, his jaw dropped and his eyes huge.

"Freddie?" a voice called behind me, and I closed my eyes again, shaking my head. "No way," I whispered, and turned around to see Isabel.

And I couldn't hate her, no matter how much I wanted too. She ran up to me and hugged me- "Sam, I'm so glad you're here!"- and my anger at her melted. She was so genuinely happy to see me.

"You're really gonna help Freddie, I think. He was real upset about leaving you and Carly," she whispered in my ear. "I was afraid you'd be gone by now- I'm so glad you're staying, even if for just a little bit. We should hang out," she said quickly, and I nodded.

"Freddie!" she said, and ran to him and flung her arms around him. "Let's go inside and talk," she said, and grabbed his hand.

"I'll talk to you later, Sam," Freddie said, and I didn't look at his face, so I didn't see what it looked like. I stared at the sky and wrapped my arms around myself, and realized that it was possible to feel both free and like the world is crashing down on you all at once.

Author's Note: Wow, that was hard to write. I don't really want to say much, because I'm afraid I might hint to the ending- so I hope you enjoyed this chapter (even though it is depressing). The next will be the last- I'm getting these out really fast haha! I already have the last chapter written, I just need to check it over, and I'll more than likely get it up tomorrow. Thanks to the readers and reviewers- you guys really do encourage me to continue on with this story. Thanks again! :D