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Chapter Ten
Katniss closed the front door and leaned against it with a sigh.
"Glad to be home?" Peeta asked, setting down their bags.
She smiled. "I love those kids. I love Gale and Annie. But I'm all District 12. I don't know how they do it. Two's not for me."
"I know what you mean." He stepped close to her. "So you going hunting in the morning?"
"I don't know." She yawned and turned her head away. "I'm tired."
"Tired? You said we'd start trying again."
"When I said 'as soon as we get home,' I really didn't mean the moment we got home." She stepped around him, grabbing his hand as she went. "I won't say no to kissing you and cuddling with you."
"I don't want to cuddle. Abstinence isn't really a good thing for me." He grabbed her around the waist and buried his face in her neck. "You smell so good." He growled.
"I've been on the train for two days."
"Still smell good to me." He nibbled on her ear lobe.
"Stop, Peeta." She giggled.
He let go of her, but slipped his hand into hers. "I love you."
She smiled over her shoulder. "I love you."
He kissed her hand.
In their bedroom, Katniss collapsed across the bed fully clothed.
Peeta chuckled and stretched out beside her. "Long trip."
"Yep." She yawned again and kicked off her shoes. She crawled up to her pillow and pressed her face into it. "Mm."
"What?" he asked, moving up beside her.
"It smells like home." She turned her head and smiled. Her eyes drooped. "Sleepy."
"Yeah." He got up and undressed as she watched drowsily. "Like what you see?"
"Always."
"I'm getting a little bigger around the middle." He patted his stomach.
"Like I care. I didn't fall in love with your body." She rolled over and stretched. "I should change out of these clothes, but I can't make myself get up."
He climbed over and tugged at the hem of her shirt. "Let me help you, sweetheart."
"No sex tonight unless you're into doing all the work."
"I like trying new things." He teased. He pushed up her shirt some more and kissed her stomach.
She sighed and threaded her fingers through his hair. "Okay, but be quick."
"I don't want to be quick." He pushed up her shirt some more and kissed a trail up with it. He hummed against her skin.
She sat up slightly and removed her shirt. She reached down and pushed at his underwear, resting her hands on his hips.
Peeta rolled to his side and pushed at the rest of her clothes.
Then she was naked underneath him. He touched her, feather light with his fingertips, every inch of her.
"Perfect. As always."
She smiled. "I'm suddenly very awake." She ran her hand up his arm. "So what are you going to do?"
He leaned over and kissed her softly as he brought her underneath him. "I'm not going to be quick about this."
"Okay."
He kissed her again. She kissed back, but there was something off about it. He lifted his head. "Is something wrong?"
She opened her mouth and then closed it. She shook her head. "It's nothing. I'm fine."
"Tell me, Katniss." He demanded.
"It feels good, the way you're touching me and kissing me. But I don't know if I'm into doing this right now."
"You want me to stop?"
"No, don't stop. Maybe it's just slow to get started this time."
"Well, don't say I didn't try, sweetheart." He kissed her again, sliding his hands down her sides and pulled her hips up.
She wrapped her legs around his waist. Her hands roamed over his back.
Peeta groaned and raised his head once more. "I love you."
She smiled, "I love you."
He lowered his head and kissed her under her ear. He kissed down her neck and nibbled lightly on her flesh.
She sighed and tangled her fingers in his hair.
His tongue trailed down her chest. He covered her breasts with kisses, humming against her skin some more.
Katniss tried everything to get into it, but she was not feeling it. She combed her fingers through Peeta's hair and relaxed into his touch and the feel of his lips against her flesh. She wasn't bored. She just wasn't at all turned on as she knew he was.
Peeta's mouth moved farther down her body and kissed her inner thigh. He looked questioningly into her eyes. And before he got an answer, he pressed his mouth into her.
Her head rolled to the side. There it is. She thought. Not as intense as it could have been, but as his tongue played over her, her body started humming. The tension didn't build much, but it did enough. And then she met her release with a soft sigh.
He kissed his way back up her body, pausing at her breasts, taking his time exploring their familiar landscape. He continued up her body. He hovered over her, kissing her lips softly over and over. He whispered her name and told her several times he loved her.
He pushed himself inside her slowly. "You okay?" he asked softly.
"Fine." She answered just as softly. She trailed her fingers over his back and sides.
He started moving, continuing to kiss her and whisper his love for her. After a while, he started moving faster and grunting with every thrust. His voice got louder as he came closer. And then he yelled something that sounded a little like her name, but she wasn't entirely sure.
He panted and looked down at her for a moment before he collapsed on his back beside her.
She turned her head and watched him for a while as he stared at the ceiling and regained his faculties.
His hand found hers. "Did we make a baby?"
"Is that all you care about?" She snapped.
He turned his head, contrite. "No, of course not."
She gave him a look of contempt. "No. It's going to take a while for that to be possible." She sat up and went to the dresser to find her pajamas.
"Hey. Don't get like that."
"Like what? Get upset that the only reason you want to sleep with me now is that I might get pregnant?" She pulled on her clothes. "I know that you want it, okay? Do you have to remind me every time we do it?"
"What do you want, Katniss?"
"To not be scared anymore." She said desperately and sagged against the wall. "It's what it always comes back to. I'm scared, Peeta. I don't know if I'll ever get better. And the nightmares…" She pushed away from the wall and started pacing. "I know I said I wanted them too. When I held Maggie, I could imagine holding out own child. But then it all comes back." She shook her head. "We can do it. I know we can, but…"
Peeta sat and watched her as she rambled on. He knew what she was saying. He had those feelings too.
"Say something." She snapped.
"You don't want a baby, that's fine. But don't bite my head off every time I mention it." He picked up his pants off the floor and put them on. "It could heal you. You don't know. You're just too scared. Well, you know what? I'm scared too. I'm scared of losing you. And I'm scared of what it could do to us. But you wanna know something else? It's all I've ever wanted. Ever since that first day of school, I wanted to be your husband and the father of your children. I didn't care about the Games. I knew that if we could just make it through…" He shook his head. "You don't give a damn about what I'm saying, though, do you?"
"Of course I do." She stared at him. "We're going in circles. It's the same fight every time. I say these same words every time. We're both just too stubborn to give in completely." She sat down on the foot of the bed. "And I'm too fickle to keep to one decision."
"No babies." He said softly.
"No trying to prevent them."
He sat beside her. "What do you mean?"
"We'll stop trying to actively prevent it like before. But I don't want to look at a calendar to determine when we should make love. We'll do it when the mood strikes. And if it happens, it happens. But I don't want to hear you say another word about it one way or the other unless I say it first. Are we agreed?"
"Agreed." He leaned his head against hers. "I'm sorry, Katniss. I love you. I really do."
"I know you do. And I know how much this hurts you."
"I'm fine."
"No, you're not."
He sighed. "You're right." He sat up. "I'm feeling that pull to want to…" He got up suddenly and walked away several steps. "Do you feel safe with me?"
"Yes."
"That's a lie. I could snap and kill you."
She smirked. "You know I'd fight back."
He let out a soft chuckle. "I know."
"I'm too tired to fight anymore tonight. Can we finish this in the morning?"
He nodded. "Yeah."
Katniss stretched out on her back and watched Peeta change. He turned out the light and then stood by the bed for a while.
She rolled to her side. "Come here and stop being so creepy. I need you beside me to sleep."
He got in beside her. He rested a hand on her hip. "I'm sorry about before, sweetheart."
"Don't apologize. We're both at fault." She moved closer to him and rested her hand on his cheek. "I love you."
He smiled, "I love you, too." He kissed the tip of her nose.
She snuggled closer, pushing him on his back. She wrapped her arms around him and rested her head on his shoulder. She sighed.
He chuckled and kissed her forehead. He combed his fingers through her hair until he fell asleep.
