Hello dear readers!

Once again, I want to thank you to everyone reading and reviewing. Your praise keeps me writing :)

A couple days ago I published a one-shot entitled Wrong Namethat was inspired by last week's episode (Hope for the Hopeless, 8x12). It's very MerDer and just a little tidbit about how I would fix Mer not having a specialty and a couple little MerDer issues if I had any power over the show at all. (Sadly, I don't though).

Anyway, if you have checked that out (or do after reading this) you may notice that I took a lot from that fic and included it in this story as well. That was totally not my intention when I wrote the one-shot but I liked the idea of addressing the issues in this fic too so a lot made its way in this chapter.

I also barrowed some dialogue from 8x12 too so you may recognize that as well.

This chapter is the longest one I've written so far so I hope it's appreciated ;)

Enjoy!

Chapter 13

Derek anxiously drummed his finger tips against the warn countertop. Meredith had been gone far too long for his liking. A conversation to set up a simple meeting wasn't supposed to take this long.

Every worst case scenario was currently running through his head. What if they changed their minds? What if they found something they missed before that they didn't like? What if they really weren't getting their baby girl back?

'Even those conversations wouldn't have taken this long to complete,' he thought worriedly as his mind immediately pictured Meredith sobbing on the patio from the second loss of Zola.

"I need to check on Meredith," he announced quickly, shooting out of his chair without bothering to wait for his mother to respond.

He slid open the glass door and was immediately met with the sound of heart wrenching sobs. Having heard the commotion too, Carolyn flew from her chair to inspect the situation with Derek.

When the two frantically stepped onto the patio, they were met with the last thing they ever expected.

Amelia was curled in a ball against Meredith, sobbing loudly on her shoulder. Her hands were gripping Meredith's back and shoulders like a life line while Meredith attempted to sooth the young woman.

Sensing the new company, Meredith looked towards the door, spotting the two shocked people to her left. She shrugged slightly and shook her head, answering their confused and questioning looks with an incredulous look of her own.

Carolyn immediately stepped forward, the initial shock of the situation wearing off, and indicated her intention to take Meredith's place consoling her daughter.

The two women slowly shifted Amelia into Carolyn's arms. If anything, the comforting, loving touch of her mother only seemed to spur on Amelia's tears. Her mother slowly started rocking them, whispering words of comfort, and rubbing her back as you would a small child.

Meredith quietly walked to Derek's side and wordlessly took his hand as she led them back into the kitchen to leave the mother and daughter be.

"What was that?" Derek asked with some urgency.

"I don't know," Meredith shrugged. "I was finishing up my call with Janet and when she came out I thought it was you. She asked who I was talking about when I said 'she would be ours in a week' so I told her about Zola. We sat for a while and then she just started talking. Then she started crying and I was scared she was going to start hyperventilating so I went over to sit next her and she just started sobbing more. I didn't know what else to do."

"Well what did she say?"

"She's defeated, Derek," Meredith confessed sadly. "She's defeated and lost and I know how that feels. We just need to be there for her when she's ready for someone to be there."

She hesitated a moment before continuing.

"It might also be a good idea for her to see someone professionally. When's she's ready, of course, and if she agrees."

"Really?" Derek asked with a hint of surprise.

"What? You don't think that'd help?"

"No, it's not that. I'm just surprised you're the one suggesting it. Last I heard from you, psych was crap," he teased with a grin.

"A girl can change," she defended with a slight upturn of her chin.

"Besides," she continued, "I know I had completely different issues to work through but it helped me a lot."

"You went to therapy?" His surprise was anything but contained. "How'd I miss this? When?"

"When you were with Rose," she answered simply.

Derek's features fell slightly at the mention of that point of their relationship.

"I told you I was trying, Derek. Did you think I got all whole and healed on my own?"

"I never thought about it I guess," he admitted quietly. And he really hadn't. When he stepped out into the clearing where their future house lay mapped out in candles, all he could think about was the fact that Meredith was here, talking about the room where there kids could play and how they could be extraordinary together. The rest he didn't question.

"I wanted to be able to have all this with you. I never not wanted it. I just didn't know how. Dr. Wyatt helped me work through some stuff so I could let myself be happy."

Derek still wasn't over the fact that his wife had just confessed to going to therapy.

"Why didn't you ever tell me?"

"I don't know. I never meant to keep it from you. But it also didn't feel like something I could just blurt out over dinner. And then eventually it just became something so far in the past that I just never thought about it anymore."

She looked at him hesitantly. "Are you mad?"

"No," he answered softly, walking around the island towards her. "No, I'm not mad."

He kissed her cheek before pulling her close. She responded by wrapping her own arms around his torso tightly, eager to be in his arms.

"I'm very thankful for the help you received, actually. I could never be mad about something that made it so we could be right where we are now."

The couple stood entwined for a few moments longer, just enjoying the company of the other. Meredith finally started to pull away but did not totally leave his arms until after reaching up to plant a kiss on her husband's lips.

"I need to shower," she announced. "I still feel grimy from being on the plane for so long yesterday."

Derek nodded in response and followed her with his eyes as she left the kitchen.

His mother and sister had yet to return from outside when he heard the shower turn off from upstairs and realized Meredith never told him what Janet was calling for.

Anxious for an answer, he made his way back towards his old bedroom where Meredith was changing.

As he approached, his wife's voice sounded from behind the barely cracked door, indicating that she was on the phone again. Torn between giving her privacy and his curiosity, Derek waited next to the door and listened.

"Yeah, we should be back to work by this coming Friday...Yes, you can tell Cristina," she said with a chuckle.

'Owen must have called,' he concluded in his head. Derek peered in through the crack the slightly open door as providing and watched as she stood in front of her suitcase, phone balancing between her shoulder and her ear, as she rummaged for clean clothes.

"Oh!" she suddenly remembered. "I know this is going to seem like a lot but we'll need to leave early on Monday. We're scheduled to sign the final adoption papers and pick up Zola at 3:30 next Monday...I'll have to talk with Derek, but if daycare would be able to take her until our shifts end we'd be able to come back in but if not one or both of us would need the rest of the day off...Yeah, okay. Thank you. We really appreciate it, Owen."

'Well that answers that,' he thought again with a smile. His baby girl would be home not long after they would be.

"Uhmm…sure, I can talk a little longer. Can you just hold on for one second?"

He must have said yes because Meredith took the phone from her ear and hit a button before setting the phone down, face up on her suit case.

"Can you hear me?" she questioned.

"Loud and clear," came Owen Hunt's deep voice through the speaker.

"Great," Meredith concluded, happy that this extra conversation wouldn't cut in to her getting ready. She was bursting to get downstairs and share the news about Zola with Derek.

"I just needed to talk to you about your specialty."

Meredith froze momentarily, obviously not liking this conversation already.

"You're my only 5th year resident who hasn't declared a specialty yet."

"I know," Meredith replied hastily, pulling a sweater over her head. "But, I mean, it's a really big decision and I've been thinking about it."

"You ditched Neuro, you wasted time in OB…You're the only 5th year who doesn't know where they're going."

Meredith sank into the bed in a defeated fashion next to her suitcase.

"You're drowning, Grey," Owen concluded.

Meredith visibly cringed at his word choice. "Drowning is a strong word…"

"Why not General? You've been helping Bailey a lot lately, Webber's always been a mentor, and, not to mention, your mother was one of the best General surgeons this country has ever seen."

Her grimace only became more pronounced at the mention of her mother.

In her search for a specialty these past couple weeks, people had been telling her what she should specialize in, most people opting to put their vote in for General.

No one really seemed to get that their very reasons why she should pick General surgery were all the reasons why she didn't want to. Her mother's medical legacy be damned, Ellis Grey was the last person Meredith wanted to be like.

If she had her mother's talent: amazing. As far as she was concerned, she could go be talented in a specialty where her mother's ghost wouldn't be constantly haunting her.

"With that legacy, you could be a natural."

Meredith leaned forward with her elbows on her knees and her head in her hands.

"I'm just saying, think about it. I'm going to need an answer soon."

"Of course. I'm sorry it's taking me this long."

"It's okay. You were right when you said it's a big decision. Can you at least tell me you'll use part of this time off to think about it?"

"Yes, I promise," she replied quickly.

"Thank you, Meredith. You and Derek take care."

"We will, bye."

And with that the line went dead. Meredith picked up the phone next the her and closed it, staring at the small device in her hands, wishing it had all the answers.

'Crap,' Derek thought. He knew Meredith had been having a hard time finding a service to be on since she took herself off of his. She never talked about it, but they never seemed to talk about anything have to do with work these days.

The truth was, he missed her. He hadn't realized how good he had it with Meredith until she was gone. And he hadn't realized how much he'd miss her professionally until recently. And a slip in the OR a couple of weeks ago made him recognize exactly how much his missed working with her.

'Shit.'

Their patient was crashing and, at that precise moment, Derek had no idea what to do to make that stop.

"Dr. Shepherd, what do we do?" said the frantic voice next to him, effectively ripping him from his brief panicked daze.

"Suction."

"Dr. Shepherd…"

"Blunt tip needle, please."

"Derek, I-"

"Dr. Grey," he said forcefully. "Instead of questioning my judgment, I suggest you do as I say, when I say it. Or you can kindly leave my OR."

When the woman remained standing next to him, he wasted little time in continuing to save their fading patient.

"Okay, good. Hold this."

"I get the needle?" her voice shook with surprise and shock.

"If I stop what I'm doing, he'll die. So yes, Dr. Grey, you get the needle."

"But I'm just going in blind," she panicked. "What if I miss the tumor?"

"I'm right here to help you. And at this point we don't have choice."

With a shaking hand, she took the long needle being offered from the scrub nurse and stepped closer to the patient's exposed brain.

After 30 terrifyingly nerve wracking seconds, Derek verbally helped guide the needle out of the stabilizing patient.

"It worked," she sighed, breathless with relief. "It worked!" she laughed again, the high of their save catching up with her.

"That was great," Derek praised. "That was perfect, Meredith."

"What? Derek, are you okay?" Lexie asked, more confused than ever.

And, just like that, the illusion was shattered.

The dark brown hair sticking out of her scrub cap was supposed to lighter. The deep brown eyes peering over her surgical mask were supposed to bright green and sparkling with the same excitement he remembered from their very first save together.

The woman next to him was supposed to be Meredith.

"Derek….You know I'm Lexie, right? Your sister-in-law? I'm not Meredith."

"I'm sorry, I'm fine. Just a slip. Will you close?"

Without waiting for an answer, Derek set down his instruments and swiftly left, leaving Lexie and every other person in the OR staring on with varying looks of confusion and concern.

"Derek?"

He'd been discovered.

Confused, green eyes peered at him from the bed as he finally stepped into the room.

"What were you doing hiding behind the door?"

"Sorry." He took the suitcase occupying the space on the bed next to Meredith and moved it to the floor and took a seat in its place. "I was coming up to see you but then I heard you on the phone and didn't want to interrupt.

"How much did you hear?" she asked with a suspicious look.

"A bit," he said vaguely.

She lifted her eyebrow slightly, indicating that his answer was significantly lacking.

"I heard you haven't declared your specialty yet," he trailed off.

"It's not a big deal," Meredith insisted. "I'll be fine."

"I've been meaning to talk to you about that actually."

"Why?" And she was genuinely confused. They never talked about anything remotely related to work anymore.

"I called Lexie by your name in the OR a couple weeks ago," he confessed out of the blue.

Meredith had no idea how to respond. To say the least, that was the last thing she expected him to say.

"The last few weeks, it's become all too easy for my mind to trick itself into thinking you were the one next to me in the OR. I mean, both of you are Dr. Grey and it's not like we can or should take our eyes off the open patient on the table."

Meredith still didn't really know what to say to all this. So she did the only thing she could think of: stare straight ahead and just let Derek keep talking.

"What I'm trying to say is I miss you," he finally admitted. "I miss talking to you about my day. I miss spending my day in the OR with you. I miss teaching you. I miss your capability, your excitement. I just miss you, Meredith."

"We agreed," she managed in a strangled whisper. "We agreed it had to be this way so we could stay together."

"I know," Derek persisted. "But-"

"I'm not going to pretend I've enjoyed floating around without a specialty or that I haven't missed you either. But I'd rather still have you and our family than the career I thought I'd have."

At her words, Derek wanted nothing more than to just kiss her right there. Unfortunately, reasoning kicked in and he decided that they should probably actually talk before the kissing started.

"Meredith, you'll always have me. I'm not going anywhere."

He reached up to push a stray lock of still damp hair behind her ear and caressed her cheek lovingly.

"We did need this professional break from each other. Or rather, I needed it. And as far as getting past the trial and moving towards forgiveness, I don't think I would have gotten there without it. But what I'm trying to say is that I want to try to go back to where we were before."

"So what exactly are you saying here, Derek? Because I've spent the last few months just trying to make you stop looking at me with pure and utter disdain and pretty much never talking about work seemed to be the only thing that helped."

"I know I've been difficult these past few mo-"

"No!" Meredith interrupted immediately. "It's my own fault. I get that. You don't need to explain or apologize or whatever."

"That doesn't mean you deserved everything I blamed you for. Messing with that trial may have screwed up a lot but not everything that went wrong since then has been your fault and that's how I was treating you."

She couldn't dispute what Derek had just confessed to so she opted for silence instead.

"What I'm trying to ask you, is that I want to know if you want to try working together again. Just one case. One simple consult just to try again. I want to try again."

He held her hand between them and studied her face with anticipation and longing while she gazed, lost in thought, at their entwined hands.

"You said you couldn't trust me, Derek. How can we work together well if you don't trust me?"

"I've had a lot of time to get perspective and move on. I know why you did it. And even if I don't agree with what you did, I understand it. I know you're sorry for how it hurt me." He emphasized his words with a gentle squeeze of her hand.

"I think working together is the next step in moving forward. Trust is earned. How are you supposed to try to regain it if I never give you the chance?" he reasoned.

Meredith remained silent for the next minute, thinking over her husband's words and running all sorts of scenarios through her head. All the while Derek patiently watched her, keeping her hand in his. He held his breath and waited for her to speak as she finally turned to look at him.

"It can't be like last time, like it was during my surgery. That wasn't good for anybody, least of all the patient. Until we can really get back to being a team, I'm not going in an OR with you," she stated definitively.

"But you'll work with me? Derek questioned urgently. "You'll try?"

"Of course, I will."

Derek finally let himself take her in his arms and kiss her like he'd been longing to since he sat down.

You know the drill ;)